Reviews written by registered user
erk_42

10 reviews in total 
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Two heads are dumber than one!, 14 July 2014
1/10

Ah...another disaster from The Asylum. That's actually a perfect name for the production company because they all must be insane to keep cranking out crap like this. Here, a professor (Charlie O'Connell) has a bunch of clichéd college students on a boat for a semester at sea. When the ship breaks down, the professor and the students head to a nearby island (which is constantly referred to as an atoll when it is, in fact, an island). Along comes a mutated two-headed shark who begins attacking everything and eating everyone in sight. It's up to the dumbest people on Earth to stop this ridiculously fake-looking killing machine. If you're familiar with any of The Asylum's titles, you'll know you're in for nothing more than an awful piece of trash with beyond terrible special effects and acting so awful, screeching monkeys would be better. Carmen Electra is in this film (as O'Connell's scientist wife) mainly to show off her body and NOT her acting skills. We even get Hulk Hogan's daughter, Brooke, as one of the students who, admittedly, is of the better actors in this trash (but that's not saying much).

Harry Houdini goes from human popsicle to defrosted marvel searching for his true love!, 14 July 2014
5/10

Most know Harry Houdini as the master escape artist and magician he was but not many know he took a crack at acting. He only starred in five silent film and this one has him playing a man named Hillary who plays a ship mate who is frozen in the ice in the late 1800s. Sixty years later, he's discovered by a bunch of explorers and thawed out. Still alive, he struggles to accept a 1920s lifestyle and is considered crazy when he sees a descendant of his former loved one and thinks its the same person (they also share the same name). What seems like an exciting and interesting film is mostly a bore. The plot moves a slow pace and tries throwing in mumbo jumbo about reincarnation. The only thing that would make this film watchable is watching Houdini escape from a straight jacket, nearly tumble off Niagara Falls and what looks like him actually being trapped in ice (it's never been confirmed whether it's really him but when they're chipping him out, it looks awfully realistic). Houdini seems to want to be another Buster Keaton or Harold Lloyd but falls well short.

Devil Fish (1984)
0 out of 1 people found the following review useful:
Before The Asylum started unleashing terrible movies about giant, killer animals, there was...Devil Fish!!, 8 July 2014
1/10

Annoyingly dreadful horror film and another relentless "Jaws" rip-off that is arguably the worst one yet. In fact, they seem to borrow characterizations off each "Jaws" film made at that point! Set in Miami, a marine biologist, a dolphin trainer, a research scientist and a local sheriff who attempt to hunt down a giant sea monster that is described as a hybrid of a shark and octopus, which makes me wonder if "Sharktapous" is a remake of this turd. We never actually see the giant fish, just a lot of awful close-ups of an open mouth that growls a lot. The cast is largely made up of Italians and Latin Americans so watching them attempt to play Floridians is equal parts hilarious and excruciating. The dialogue is groan inducing and the direction and cinematography is done as though no one knew what they were doing. This isn't even so bad it's worth watching. It's just plain awful.

3 out of 7 people found the following review useful:
The Worst of the Worst, 2 October 2009
1/10

Reb Brown and director Bruno Mattei are notorious for making really bad movies, but this is the worst of the worst! An all-too-obvious PREDATOR rip-off, this movie very nearly copies PREDATOR scene for scene!! Most of Brown's movies are incredibly bad, but also delightfully fun and cheesy. This one is just a pain to watch. As for Mattei, while he's considered by many to be the Italian Ed Wood, he needs to just leave originals alone and stop trying to rip-off other versions of good movies. It's bad enough he would end up making a rip-off of TERMINATOR 2 (even though it's more like ALIEN than T2). This movie is confounded by bad acting, lame dialogue, and from the looks of it, the script is only about 15 pages long!! It rarely makes any sense at any given time! It is interesting to see Catherine Hickland in an early role (she would gain notoriety in the world of soap operas...more specifically "One Life to Live"). This film is rubbish!

Steel (1997)
2 out of 3 people found the following review useful:
The Movie That Killed Comic Book Movies for Nearly a Decade, 7 July 2009
1/10

This is one of the most horrifyingly awful films of all time. It would an embarrassment to your local dump to find this movie wallowing in there. It's not even worthy of that! Shaquille O'Neal delivers a performance that (gasp!) is worse than his awful performance in Kazaam! Apparently, after the mild success and small critical praise of Shaq's performance in Blue Chips, he thought he had a chance at a real acting career. I would like to know who it was that encouraged him to go forth with two more lead roles in his career?! The only reason he did so well in Blue Chips was because he was basically playing himself! Casting Shaq in this big, lumbering idiot of a role is so bad, it actually makes us laugh...hard. The costuming is a joke. It's all too obvious that Shaq is wearing a rubber helmet when its supposed to be made of steel! He also looks just plain ridiculous in that suit. He looks like an over-sized kid ready for Halloween, as he has to strain to peer through the eye holes. He just looks like a metallic turd. The special effects are mediocre at best, and the rest of the cast is bland. Judd Nelson, who's career said bye-bye back in the '80s, is among the worst villains in movie history, and certainly didn't help his career any. The story is ludicrous and often makes no sense...that is, when there is an actual story to follow, and the dialogue is so bad, that they have to resort to stealing lines from other, far better, action movies!! After this, its plain to see why you didn't see another comic-book based movie for a while (excluding Batman & Robin, which was a joke in itself). This movie literally killed the comic book movie for almost a decade.

0 out of 4 people found the following review useful:
Just Plain Creepy, 27 January 2009
1/10

This is perhaps the creepiest display of Santa Claus ever committed to any medium, whether it be a book, a picture, or a movie. Santa looks like a perv looking down on the children and the twisted story of bringing Merlin in to help him defeat one of Satan's minions, Pitch, doesn't make things any better. It's laughable to say the least, with bad effects, even for 1959 standards. If a kid were to watch this movie, he'd have nightmares and never want Santa to visit. They'd be scarred for life. Imagine the kid's in "A Christmas Story" when they start screaming after being put on Santa's lap. That's how this would turn out if kid's see this movie.

3 out of 4 people found the following review useful:
'Meet the Spartans' - WORST COMEDY EVER!!!, 22 August 2008
1/10

I've reviewed close to 3,000 movies in my lifetime and I've never seen anything like this....and that's not a good thing. This can't even really be considered a spoof. There's no imagination to it. They just stole the storyline from "300," added a ton of really lame pop culture references, a bunch of ridiculous product placement (which probably paid for the movie), and dialogue involving other movies, you get this stinking pile of putrid waste! Plus, I don't want to be told about every joke seconds before it happens! Why do they allow crap like this in theaters?! I'm sure they could make a movie out of better scripts than this! They didn't even have the decency to try and change the names to make them funny! I hated "Epic Movie" (I rated it the #1 worst movie of 2007), but at least I chuckled once, when Crispin Glover as the psychotic Willy Wonka. You know how many times I laughed at this movie? Zero. Not a single smirk. I didn't even smile. This isn't just the worst comedy of the year (I realize the year's not over, but there's no way in hell in can get any worse than this), it's the worst comedy of all time. If I had to choose between watching paint peel or viewing this steaming load of monkey butt waste, bring on the peeling paint! This must be what the government uses for torture, because it was certainly torture watching it.

Halloween (1983) (VG)
2 out of 3 people found the following review useful:
Seriously?!?, 24 April 2008
1/10

Did they really have to make a game based off the popular horror movie? I mean, don't get me wrong, I love the movie. I, also, regrettably, played the game on the Atari 2600. What a cheap load of garbage. The title song is good for it's time, but do they have to constantly play it over and over, like a drone to your ears? Plus, the actual game play is boring. Let's shuffle kids together and stuff in one room. How many kids are there? There were only two in the movie. Also, you just gotta love the cheap packaging they gave it. The distributor, Wizard, I later found out, was going out of business or something, so in order to quickly get rid of all the games in their stockroom, they cheaply put a blank sticker on it and wrote the name "Halloween" on it. Well, at least it was in orange marker.

Friday the 13th (1989) (VG)
1 out of 3 people found the following review useful:
Lame game!, 24 April 2008
1/10

This game was horrible. I remember playing it on Nintendo over at friends house. Talk about a waste of time! The mapping is inconsistent. Walk left and you'll head right!! It takes you nearly forever to get to where you need to go. Sometimes, it's too late! You hear the "Jason alarm" and you take up so much time figuring out what way you're going, Jason's hacked himself up a nice pile of bodies by the time you get to th right cabin. When you actually get into a cabin, it's so tedious. At times you'll encounter faceless children, which is perhaps the most creepy thing about the game. When you finally get to fight Jason, he's nearly impossible! It takes like a hundred hits to get him down and only about two for him to take you down! WTF?!

Emmerich's big disaster flick strikes big, 2 June 2004
7/10

This movie offers some sheer excitement but seems to suffer from a cheesy plot and the usual disaster movie clichés, such as all of the main cast surviving and having an asshole of a leader who questions the professionals authorities. This movie does offer some fine acting by it's leading cast (especially Quaid). It also has some of the most realistic special effects I have ever seen. Dennis Quaid gives a better performance than he did in "The Alamo". Some of the things that happened in this movie were pretty unrealistic (aside from the tornadoes, hail, etc.). The plot seems to be too simple and everything's happens so quickly. Unlike "Independence Day", this movie bounces around from Tokyo to LA, until it finally rests on the peril in New York. The thing I like about Roland is his attention to detail and his strong use of government agencies. In this case, it's the NOAA. All in all, this makes to be a pretty interesting film.