Change Your Image
Upload An Image
Crop And Save
Just saw the Sci-Fi Channel premiere.
With nostalgic thoughts of the original 1985 comic horror classic lurching through my head, I approached Return 4 with a little more excitement than your usual sequel. Hey, it didn't HAVE have to be bad. Return of the Living Dead III, also a direct-to-video/cable release, was actually quite good and developed a strong and deserved cult following. Unfortunately, my joy was quickly extinguished only a few minutes into this truly boring zombie crap-fest. I should have known, given it is a Sci-Fi Channel 'original' movie. Has the Sci-Fi Channel EVER made a good movie? On the plus side, this movie does not stick by Sci-Fi Channel's typical horror offering of giant, toxic-waste exposed, killer snakes, dinosaurs, bugs and duckbilled playpi. On the down side, it sticks by the same exact formula (trapped people facing off against something wanting to eat them) and has the expected bad writing, bad acting and stupid story. Return of the Living Dead, Part 2 (1988) disappointed many fans of the first. After recent zombie offerings like this and All Souls Day: Dia De Los Muertos, Return 2 is actually starting to look good by comparison.
Here are ten things you should know before viewing...
1. Nothing of interest happened during the first hour aside from lots of talk. Not interesting talk, just time-killer talk that amounts to nothing and generates no interest for either the story or the characters. Snooze city, baby.
2. The zombie military-unit theme was carried over from Return 3 but nothing of interest is done with it.
3. A bite to the back of the head from a zombie will result in blood gushing out like it's being shot from a waterhose.
4. Why does every teenager in a movie like this know advanced karate? The part where the guy drops his gun and says "It's game time!" before kung fu-ing a zombie reminded me of everyone's favorite movie, House of the Dead. If that isn't a bad sign, I don't know what is. And while I'm on it, how come every teenager is some kind of expert on high-powered weaponry? Just hand them any kind of huge gun or blowtorch and they automatically know exactly how to use it and their aim is always perfect.
5. Dialogue like "They're making uber zombies!" and "Do you ever feel like drilling a hole in your head to let the screams out?" just doesn't sound natural, even when spoken by someone semi-undead.
6. Male zombie-cyborg hybrids look like RoboCop with gangrene.
7. Grey-blue photography throughout does not make your film look sinister and dark, it makes it look cheap and bland. Nor does using one boring location for the majority of the film automatically make it seem scary and claustrophobic. The whole presentation of this movie was terrible.
8. When a zombie appears, make sure to cue a lame late-80s 'hair band'-style rock song that sounds like it would even be rejected from a Warrant album.
9. Watch and you'll notice that someone's gun malfunctions and/or runs out of ammo in this movie at least FOUR TIMES! And it always happens right when a hundred zombies are closing in. Of course.
10. Female zombie-cyborg hybrids go to the same hairdresser as Predator.
Well, that's my take on this future dust bin dweller. The make-up was pretty good, I especially liked the head-crushed-by-tank-wheel effect, but the rest was formula zombie movie at its most boring and unimaginative. The level of humor, in case you're interested, reaches its peak when a man is reluctant to shoot a zombie because, "I lost my virginity to her!" Give me a break.
My vote of 2/10 is both generous and kind. As of this writing, the film has 9.2 rating. I expect that to plummet by the end of the week.
Nightmare Sisters (1988)
A testament to the talents of the three leading ladies.
Out of the hundreds (maybe even thousands!) of actresses out there who try to claim the title "Scream Queen," Linnea Quigley, Michelle Bauer and Brinke Stevens are probably the best. How else can you explain how their mere presence enables you to sit through something as horrid, as plot less and as pointless as Nightmare Sisters? Don't get me wrong, this movie is horrible in almost every way and is really an insult to horror movie fans everywhere. But I gave it a "5" anyway and that's only because of the three leading ladies and their ability to enliven even the most atrocious film. They get to goof off here at the beginning (there's one incredibly amateurish unbroken 'talking' shot that lasts about 10 minutes) and then basically spend the rest of the film running around naked after they are possessed by a demon. There's also a long drawn-out nude bathtub scene, but watching the girls just sitting there giggling, splashing water and looking like they are having a great time rubs off on the viewer and becomes enjoyable. It's a much sexier and more natural scene than what we B-movie fans would later encounter in Skinamax porn - you know long, dead serious, fake-looking, awkward simu-sex. So if you love Linnea, Michelle and/or Brinke, this makes a nice addition to your DVD collection. Otherwise it will be one of the most grueling viewing experiences you will ever encounter.
Scrotal Vengeance (2001)
If you're among the many B-movie fans who think Fred Olen Ray, Jim Wynorski and David DeCoteau lack talent, then you need to take a look at one of Chris Seaver's 'films.' This guy is a complete pinhead with the mentality of an 8-year-old and zero talent at directing, writing OR acting. In short, he could drop off the face of the Earth tomorrow and entertainment community would not know the difference. Anyway, this supposed movie (shot on video, of course!) is a horror-comedy about a bad vampire who wants to steal the large-breasted girlfriend of a nice-guy vampire. That's about it for the story, unless you count one lame attempt at a gross-out gag involving an exaggerated amount of a certain bodily fluid. I could go on for days about how lame, unfunny, irritating and trite this thing is... but I'll pass except to say I got it off Netflix and Netflix has received multiple complaints from renters complaining they feel ripped off by this or other Chris Seaver 'films' and they should stop stocking them. I agree.
Humanoids from the Deep (1980)
I agree with most of the other posters. It's a classic!
We've probably all seen a few cheesy monster movies from the 1950s and 60s. You know, ones where some kind of big monster seems to take a liking to a beautiful female member of the human species and ends up destroying whoever gets in its way of acquiring said beauty. When the monster finally got his hands on the lovely damsel, he'd run off with her into a cave or somewhere else secluded. Now, thanks to director Barbara Peeters and producer Roger Corman, we finally get to see what happens THEN! And it's pretty much what we suspected all along. It's mating season! Who doesn't love this movie? What's not to love? It has plenty of gore, comedy, ventriloquism, a fast pace, a naked woman running down the beach, assorted trashiness, great monsters (designed by Rob Bottin) and a great action-packed finale at a carnival. Anyone who has seen a few of the more recent Roger Corman movies knows that many scenes from this one ended up being reused many more times to save money.
By the way, ignore the 1996 remake. They just don't make 'em like this anymore!
The people who make these are the only ones who actually like them.
So maybe they should keep these glorified home movies in their own video cabinets and not torture the rest of the world with them. I stumbled onto this mess by complete accident and decided to watch it because I like Brinke Stevens. Well, it's the absolute worst thing I've ever laid my eyes on (and I watch a lot of B-movies myself) - Pathetic minimal 'plot', poorly made, excruciatingly boring, endlessly padded out with anything to stretch the running time to a measly 50-some minutes, AWFUL acting... I could go on and on. This video just does not merit any kind of deep analysis. All I can say is DO NOT waste your time or money on it.
I feel compelled to add just one more thing... I cannot believe one of the actresses who starred in this atrocity actually had the gaul to get on here and criticize someone for not liking HER movie. Well sorry about your luck, sister. Come back to reality. People are entitled to their own opinion. I happen to fully agree with him that everything about 'Expendable' is terrible, including your abysmal performance. Brinke Stevens certainly deserves better material than this. You do not.
Mulva: Zombie Ass Kicker! (2001)
Wish I could give it a lower rating
I was roped into this travesty because... 1) I enjoy zombie films 2) I usually enjoy both Debbie Rochon and Trent Haaga and 3) For some reason I still think there's hope out there for Full Moon, who have lost most of my respect over the years with a succession of incredibly bad releases.
This is easily the most appalling release from Full Moon yet. Words cannot express how lousy (and irritating) this load of excrement is. Frankly, it's insulting that it received ANY kind of release and that anyone has to be tricked into suffering through someone else's home movie. I could even forgive the nonexistent budget, amateurism and awful make-up if there was something else of merit going on here (no such luck!). What I cannot forgive is the completely unfunny 'script' (granted it had one), the migraine-inducing overacting and the pitiful name dropping at each and every turn (I could list fifty other major annoyances, but I won't...) Chris Seaver has absolutely no discernible talent, but HE obviously disagrees with me. Listen to the commentary track and you'll hear the rantings of one of the most misguided, idiotic and delusional people on the planet. He seems to fancy himself as such an original talent. So Chris, I'm glad you find yourself to be so very witty and talented. I found you to be a smug, annoying, juvenile and irrelevant moron whose only possible fan base would have to consist of not-so-bright 10 year olds or someone borderline retarded.
But anyway, since you seem to be such a big fan of yourself and your own work, maybe YOU should keep your crappy movies to yourself, eh? 1/10 (If there was a zero, this 'film' would get it)
Dead & Rotting (2002)
Just posting a slight warning about this Full Moon release to all you zombie movie lovers. Although it somehow doesn't quite reach the depths of awfulness as such stink bombs as Zombie Lake and Oasis of the Zombies, this zero budget videotaped horror effort (shot somewhere in the bowels of rural Ohio) is definitely one to avoid. The story is silly (and full of VERY obvious lapses in logic and general coherence), the photography is terrible, the direction is bland and devoid of imagination and the make-up is pretty average. What's even worse? The acting! What an insultingly untalented group of 'thespians' they gathered up here!
The Bikini Escort Company (2006)
Thank God for Michelle Bauer's comic relief
Here is a typical Skinamax movie with the expected mixture of soft-core sex and lame comic gags. The plot is a bit like 'Bikini Carwash Company', but while Bikini Carwash was a very fun T&A romp, this one is just boring and the sex scenes don't even really deliver. The best moments are easily provided by Michelle Bauer, the veteran horror movie queen, who actually is very funny as a prudish teacher. Fellow vet Jay Richardson is also in it.
Beverly Lynne is a bit refreshing as well. She's all-natural and has a great body. The other two blondes (Stacy Burke and Cailey Taylor) are not memorable in the least and pumped full of silicone. 3/10
Scary Movie 2 (2001)
AWFUL, but a few more laughs than the first one
After an opening Exorcist parody (a film that already received a feature-length comic parody; Repossessed), this immediate sequel sinks right back down to the sheer stupidity of the first one. Lured to a secluded mansion for a sleep study, college students Shorty, Cindy, Ray and Brenda (from the first film), plus some others, find themselves trapped inside with evil spirits. It's all an excuse for unimaginative, low brow "comedy" involving semen, vomit, crap and other bodily functions, sex organs, inflated tits, rape, homosexuals, drug addiction and the handicapped. There are (pretty lame) references to The Amityville Horror, House on Haunted Hill, The Haunting, Poltergeist and The Entity and some surprising ones to Poe's House of Usher and The Black Cat, plus non-horror gags (Rocky, Charlie's Angels, Dude, Where's My Car? etc.) to pad out the running time. Jokes are made about the Clinton/Lewinski scandal, the missing Florida ballots and Firestone tires (things that will instantly date it), plus a marijuana monster and the fighting cat bit is pretty cute. This has a few more laughs than the first film thanks almost entirely to Chris Elliott's inspired comic lunacy as a weird, perverted caretaker with a deformed hand. It took seven people to script this thing. Marlon Brando supposedly turned down 2 million dollars to cameo as a priest and was replaced by James Woods. There's no point to any of this, but as the end rap theme reminds us, "Must be the money."
Scary Movie (2000)
John Waters did it better 25 years ago.
Crude, rude and annoying parody of 'Scream' (parts 1 and 2) and 'I Know What You Did Last Summer', follows their plots pretty closely, but also throws in gags poking fun at The Sixth Sense, The Blair Witch Project Project, The Matrix and Amistad (?), plus some American PIE. Anna Faris, the only thing to shine in this cesspool, has the Neve Campbell virginal heroine role. She's perfect as the aloof Cindy Camp-bell, whose friends are stalked by a mysterious ghost-faced killer(s) who likes to smoke pot and look at porn mags. Supporting characters include Deputy Doofy, a retarded deputy sheriff who has sex with his vacuum cleaner and SNL star Cheri Oteri as reporter Gail Hailstorm, who "swallows." Shannon Elizabeth becomes Miss Teen Fellatio and Shawn Wayans gets a penis stuck through his head.
For some reason, it took six writers (including 3 Wayans brothers) to come up with juvenile bad-taste gags involving farts, semen, snot, drool, silicone implants, penis size, pubic hair, vomit, panty-sniffing dyke gym coaches with testicles and other yummy stuff. Gays, retards, suicide cases and fat chicks are other points of comedy. John Waters was targeting the same taboo subjects for parody in the 1970s, but he managed to make it all funny. The novelty shock value is now gone and the gags are just tiresome and disgusting. There's a whole lot going on in 'Scary Movie,' but the obnoxious cast overacts and very little of this is actually funny. A surprise box-office hit, it was followed by two equally pitiful sequels and some direct-to-video copies.