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Jupiter Ascending (2015)
Good tribute to Flash Gordon-like movies!
I've always longed for a remake of the fabulous, cheesy, sci-fi/fantasy 1981 film "Flash Gordon", this is not it but it is as close as anybody can get without putting the name of it as its title. It is an excellent executed fun fantasy space opera that will delight you IF you are in the right set of mind for a space opera. I can see you leaving the theater if you want some serious film or something that makes you think, because you could find some food for thinking here, but you would have to dig pretty deep under the mountains of eye candy and not the best acting from the cute Mila Kunis (Tatum was surprisingly OK+). Definitely NOT among the best Wachowskis' films, but certainly on par with the current flow of mindless, action-packed movies of nowadays (a.k.a. Marvel movies), and that's not a bad thing. Give it a chance!
Insidious: Chapter 2 (2013)
No critical spoilers, but the movie sucks
So, I have to confess, I did not like the first one. Yes, the first few minutes were good (not spectacular) but when the part about "the further" (c'mon, did they just goggled a synonym for words to use instead of "beyond"? They should have goggled the word "Ridiculous" too) started, the movie went downhill.
This one pretty much starts at the bottom and then digs further down.
But I would never refuse a free movie! So, there I was last night...
Even though my expectations were very low, all the horrible acting, the clichés, the uninteresting story, and the "ghosts" were too much not only for me, but for a big part of the theater that just started laughing half way into the movie when, I guess, they got convinced that this was going to be that bad a movie.
Just to give you an idea (very mild spoiler next): in this movie, the "ghosts" are nothing more than people wearing too much make up, white make up with some black mascara around their eyes and lips, that's it. No eerie effects, not even make up that would alter or hid their features, just normal white make up, just a tad bit less than what you would expect from a mime. I see scarier ghosts every day on Halloween knocking at peoples' doors asking for candy! Oh, and I forgot, you also know they're ghosts because they talk with reverberation. pppffftt..
The intentionally funny parts were lame and fell flat (two Mormon-like dressed "parapsychologists" whose goofiness belonged to "Scary Movie VI", not a real horror movie), and the "serious" parts, if there were any, were boring, dull, and derivative of any other ghost movie.
James Wan is a one movie guy (Saw) just like that other guy (he's name shall not be mentioned) is a two movie guys ("The Sixth Sense" and "Unbreakable"). After this one I wanted to put him on my no-fly list, but then he's set to direct Fast & Furious 7, which is the kind of stupid movie that I can enjoy by imagining myself a kid again playing with my toy cars, so I don't think he can wreck that movie.. but we'll see.
For this one, you've been warned: It sucks.
P.S. If you still watch it at the theater, you'll remember my words when you listen one of the characters say something in the lines of: "So, THAT's what it meant..." Pure bad cinema.
What's worse than unintended comedy in a horror movie?...
... a comedy unintentionally unfunny.
This movie is an example of the later.
First of all, let me tell you that I have a soft spot for indie films. I also have a soft spot for horror/comedies a la Shaun of The Dead, Return of the Living Dead, even stupid movies like the first Scary Movie. I don't really like comedies because most come from the Hollywood machinery and 99% of them are the same stupid recipe with different actors and a few details changed, but I like indie comedies like Tucker & Dale vs. Evil and, one of my favorites, God Bless America. This is nowhere near any of my examples, and here's why:
* Plot: Nonexistent. Zombie wakes up not drooling/wanting flesh, we never know exactly why (or how) nor the guys who made the movie care; they just jump into the "funny" occurrence that he will almost immediately will meet the one other "intelligent zombie" who is nothing but a goof-ball who actually likes to eat dead people (oh wait, they abandon that idea pretty quickly leaving us with a "meh" scene of him eating a hand). The whole movie is piece together by random acts of encountering people, like a child's story hurried up by going: "...and then they met this Vietnam war who... let's see.. I know! He had a glass jar with his dead hooker wife's ashes; don't you think that'll be hilarious? Did you write that down?"
* Acting: Have you even been to a high school theatre presentation? Same thing here. Not only are the characters the most obnoxious group of stereotypes (that's one of the things I love about indies: they're quite careful NOT to use stereotypes), but the people playing them seem to have been told by the "directors" to play them as if they were acting in front of a daycare field trip and their own families ("look ma', I'll say something really funny and throw my hands in the air so you know that's funny as hell!"), but with some "dirty words" thrown here and there. This is the first movie in YEARS where I couldn't find at least ONE passable actor (OK, maybe the guy playing "Cheese", but how hard really is to play an idiot zombie?), and the worst acting since the kid who played Harry Potter in those movies.
..... You know what? I could go on bashing this movie, but with a fail in these two departments, why would you want to watch it, really? The gore? There's barely any and quite mediocre. FX? C'mon, this is an indie movie, even if it was a good one, you wouldn't be watching it for the FX.
I feel ripped off my hour and a half, but it was free and I got to eat popcorn <- that was the highlight of this movie.
Please spend your time in a more wisely manner and watch almost anything else instead, chances are it will be better than this crap.
P.S. When the movie was finished my wife asked me: "Why didn't you check the reviews before watching this thing?" "Unfortunately I did," I answered. "That's why we watched it." In other words, shame on you people who recommended this movie!