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The Caretaker (2012)
The previous review must have been written by one of the film crew or someone who's paid to write a good review for an absolute piece of trash. Don't believe me? Sure. Go ahead and watch this piece of crap. The acting is awful. I've seen high school plays with similar standards of acting. Special effects are indeed special (if special means retarded). The make up crew probably made a trip to the local costumes store, bought a few fake plastic fangs, then traipsed down to Coles and bought a few cans of tomato puree. Then put a couple of splotches on the shirts they got from Salvos and voila! Instant gore. To add to the suspense, have the female lead stand in front of an old tree, play some elevator music with violins and have some poorly dressed stand-ins dash across the foreground to simulate fast moving "terrifying" vampires everywhere and you should have the audience shaking in their seats. This piece of work is a piece of rubbish. I wouldn't pay $0.10 to watch this. I'd much rather donate the money to the hobo sitting at the corner of the street.
One in the Chamber (2012)
May consider renting if you're bored out of your wits
Based on reviews by other 3 reviewers, I decided to give this movie a go especially since Cuba Gooding Jr and Dolf Lungdren were in it. Couldn't be all that bad right? After all Cuba Gooding Jr did hell of a job in Jerry Maguire. I gotta say, I was rather disappointed with the movie. Guess its OK if you're bored stiff and brain dead from a long day at work and don't wanna have to spend more brain juice figuring out the plot. This movie has an incredibly weak plot. It almost seems like it was written by a pimpled teenager who's trying hard to produce a work comparable to Mission Impossible or the Bourne series of films. Attempts at being "cool" fall flat time and again. Dolf Lungdren, who is dress perpetually in a tacky Hawaiin shirt and a hat appears in corners in the middle of gun fights looking as unperturbed as a beach goer looking at a fly buzzing round his pina colada. Utters a "cool" punchline, pulls out a couple of 9mm guns and kills 10 machine gun totting baddies in the room within 10 seconds. Meanwhile, the baddies spray a million bullets at him but seem to miss totally for some obscure reason. Cuba Gooding Jr just doesn't look the part. He's supposed to be some super skilled hit-man with Jason Bourne type fighting prowess and shooting skills which would make the top marksman in the US army writhe in inadequacy. But the woeful lack of character development and his wiry physique just doesn't cut it. Will I recommend this movie to anyone? Nope. Will I watch it again? Nope Will I remember watching this movie in 3 months? Maybe. Just because it's pretty bad Will I watch it if I had known it was this bad? Nope. Unless my white noise machine was broken and the sound of silence was killing me. And I desperately needed some background noise... Then maybe. Just maybe......
Alien Origin (2012)
Great poster. That's about it...
I watched this movie stupidly thinking it was one of the Alien vs Predator line of movies. God was I wrong. This is arguably one of the worst movies I've ever watched. It gives a 5 minute clumsy attempt at movie making by pimpled prepubescent geeks a real run for their $5 budget. The show was probably shot on a $100 budget and about $80 was put into designing a real kickass poster. Then the director though," Hmm. Another $10. What can I do with that?? Well, let me just grab a bunch of desperate superstar wannabes and offer them a shot at stardom if they each contribute another $100 to my budget! Brilliant!!" Well unfortunately it's quite likely the investment put in by the wannabe superstars won't be paying off anytime soon. The director should be thrown in the slammer for grievous waste of viewers' time and irreversible brain rot. This movie is not worse your time or money for rental. Avoid it like the plague even if someone pays you to watch it. (Unless you're in the mood for exchanging some brain cells for a couple of bucks)
John Carter (2012)
Of late, IMDb has been filled with rave reviews of even the biggest film flops. Just look at the reviews of John Carter and you'll see what I mean. Makes one wonder about the reliability of these reviews. John Carter is headed towards earning the "honor" of being the biggest and most expensive film flop in history. It took in excess of 250 mil to make. It opened to box office earnings of just over 30 mil. Why would if flop so bad if it were half as good as many of these reviews make it out to be?
But the movie is not all bad. Pros: Great effects Great fight sequences Visually good but I wouldn't go so far as to call it visually stunning Nice twist to plot
Cons: Crap acting Cheesy lines worthy of a Mills and Boon love story Boring...... Almost fell asleep couple of times Couple of funny moments but offset by many other failed jokes
In summary, 1. I would rent this to watch on a DVD but not pay to watch it in the cinema 2. You might enjoy this much more if you were a prepubescent sci-fi geek 3. IMDb will only be useful as a site to read a synopsis of a movie but not for its reviews because it looks like even a $5 production made in the basement of a teenager will get rave 9 star reviews