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Under the Skin (2013)
Crap, but Scarlett Johansson has a nice ass
If you want to look at Scarlett Johansson's ass, watch for 45 minutes then turn it off. This is a PoS film trying to be ART. I'm sorry, but just being bonkers is not art. If you, like most people say - "what the hell am I watching, and WHY the hell am I watching" at 45 minutes - TURN IT OFF. If you are physically unable to turn it off may God have mercy on your soul.
Under The Skin is not a cheap B flick. Nicely filmed, good acting, good sound. Crap story. It's a waste of time. But if you want to see a nice butt, watch it for a while then put on a real movie.
I give it 1 point out of 100
A terribly stupid movie
Man has destroyed the Earth and now the only survivors live on a train. Yes, a train. They have been living on that train for 17 years (it just a keeps on a rollin), and a class system has evolved.
First Class tickets run the train and the freeloaders are the bottom of the barrel. The freeloaders' clothing are tattered, their faces filthy. They somehow figure out how to shave. Huh? They should all have beards.
This is a dark movie. Not dark in a sinister way, just dark. As in I can't see dark. It did get a little lighter after about 35 minutes when a window was opened.
There are fights. When they fight the camera shakes.
The freeloaders eat protein gel that is made out of... bugs I think. I couldn't really make out what it was made out of. Maybe it was explained later on in the movie. I can't tell you because I could only handle 45 minutes of this crap. The First Class tickets eat steak. Maybe they have cattle on the train. Who knows? What a stupid movie.
In fact, it's a terribly stupid movie. The keepers of the train routinely do a freeloader head count. Why? Who cares? If the First Class tickets hate the freeloaders so much why don't they just kill them? They keep them alive and persecute them for unknown reasons.
There are junkies on the train. The dope looks like silly putty that they somehow manufacture on the train. Good God, how did I manage to watch 45 minutes of this crap? If you enjoy watching crappy movies for a laugh, then SNOWPIERCER may be for you. If you want to watch a good movie, definitely hop over this dog.
Ilsa: She Wolf of the SS (1975)
Bob Crane's private version of Hogan's Heroes
If you like big boobs and Hogan's Heroes, you have just found the mother-lode. Ilsa (Dyanne Thorne) is the busty Kommandant of a Nazi prison camp who has sex with her male prisoners - and those who fail to satisfy this curvy commander face castration. Ilse also performs various sadistic experiments upon her equally hot nude female prisoners, who are also tortured by even more hot nude Nazi broads. Dyanne Thorne does a good acting job, same for the rest of the cast. There are some special effects that don't look cheap and the uniforms look genuine.
It's almost like Bob Crane said, "Look. This is how we gotta do Hogan's Heroes. It'll be a hit!" 6/10.
Cannibal Holocaust (1980)
1 point because 0 and under unavailable at IMDb
Film making is supposed to be a form of art. Any deranged individual can stick a knife through a rodents throat, chop the head off a turtle, hack at a snake with a machete, chop a spider in two, and shoot a pig - and film the event. It's not art, it's perverted and had nothing to do with the "story". Anyone giving this piece of crap positive reviews ought to have their head examined. Total garbage. Take away all the actual animal killing and what you have left is a piece of crap. The acting was awful. The only performer that seemed to have some type of acting skills was a porn actor. So in a nutshell, what you have is a porn actor as your star, actual killing of animals, rape scenes, and killing. Really stupid story. Real bad. Probably the worst film I have ever seen. 0/10.
The Hurt Locker (2008)
OK war movie. Nothing more, nothing less.
The Hurt Locker isn't a bad film, but it's not a great film either. Jeremy Renner does well in his roll as an adrenalin seeking hothead bomb disposal team leader, although his actions in the movie are not very believable. Once that obstacle is hurdled and understood, what we have left is a fairly watchable war film, 6/10. The story is simple: You are in Iraq and your job is to disarm bombs. That's the entire storyline. Sometimes the enemy shoots at you, and you shoot back at them. The camera is very shaky at times to give you that realistic war-like chaos feeling, but for me it just looks like a shaky camera.
The film threatens to evolve into a story when Sgt. James befriends an irritating Iraqi boy (played by Christopher Sayegh) who sells pirated DVDs on the street, and the boy subsequently ends up as a body bomb which Sgt. James defuses. We don't know who killed the kid, or why - but Sgt. James seeks justice. He ventures out into town on his own at night to kill (possibly) the people responsible. The only problem is, the idea fizzles out and nothing happens. But that doesn't make the film unpredictable.
The Hurt Locker is an OK war movie. Nothing more, nothing less.
Don't waste your time
Ridiculous. Every time an actor opens his or her mouth it makes you wonder if a high school junior wrote this garbage. The opening scene was excellent, but after that it all goes to hell in a hand basket. The characters are stupid and unbelievable. The acting is horrific, and the story may have been good if there was a beginning, a middle, and an end - but all we get is the middle: people are trapped in a giant puzzle. They go through doors to get to new rooms, and most of the rooms are death traps. There is no way out. Let's start killing each other! End of story. What a piece of crap! Don't waste your time. Minus 5 points out of 10. I've seen skin flicks with better dialogue than this dog...
The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974)
Sophomoric and predictable: SPOILERS!
There are 5 things that make this film watchable:
1) The thrashing about of the first victim after he was clubbed
2) When the hitchhiker gets turned into roadkill
3) 83 minute run time
4) Grandpa trying unsuccessfully to put Sally down
...and most importantly,
5) Sally's ever present fantastic boobs
The rest is pretty sophomoric and predictable:
Hey look! There is a hitchhiker that looks crazy as a loon. Let's pick him up! A spooky old house in the middle of nowhere. Let's go inside!
All of the kids end up going to a strange old house where they get knocked off one by one. Sally may be in great shape but she can't seem to outrun an overweight chainsaw wielding inbred hillbilly/redneck psycho. Sally screams throughout the final half hour of the movie.
Jim Siedow as the cook, and Edwin Neal as the hitchhiker do well in their rolls but everyone else seem like extras that got speaking parts. 4 points out of 10. Possibly 6 points out of 10 if this was 1974.
Totally overrated film.
Pretty to look at but...
The graphics in this film are well done and it is a pretty thing to look at all those fantastic colors. Good sound effects and the music is decent. A lot of the sound track will remind you of the ending of The Beatles "A Day in the Life".
Other than that, Sunshine is a confused mess. The story takes place in the future, and the Sun is dying. A crew (nothing futuristic about them) are sent with a mega bomb to reboot it. They come upon a another ship that failed to reboot the sun 7 years earlier. They debate on whether to divert from their own mission to check out the ship. In the end, they decide that two bombs are better than one and investigate the disabled ship. They find the crew of that ship dead and also discover quickly that the spacecraft had been sabotaged and it's payload rendered useless. Well, they make it back to their own ship (not all of them) and their supercomputer (not at all like GERTY from "Moon" or HAL 9000 from "2001: A Space Odyssey" - this supercomputer just sounds like a woman over an intercom) informs them they have an UNINVITED GUEST. This guest turns out to be a slimy naked guy from one of the crew of the other ship, and is determined to sabotage the mission.
Our heroes die one after another and it's difficult to know exactly who dies when but it doesn't matter. They are all incinerated in the end.
It is a dumb movie with bad acting that is pretty to look at, and because of that - I give it 4 points out of 10.
After reading several reviews, "I expected The Human Centipede (First Sequence)" to be a real dud. It wasn't, and I suspect many people viewing this film miss the point altogether. It's like a laughable horror film from 1939 updated to 2009 standards. Dieter Laser is wonderful as the mad scientist, and brings to mind Bela Lugosi as Dracula. The background music that is played when the camera is looking at something evil is a real knee-slapper. Ashley C. Williams and Ashlynn Yennie as the two chicks without a clue do a great job with their rolls, and they almost look into the camera and say, "You know, we are pretty SCARED!!" When the mad doctor hauls out a victim from the back of his car, it is revealed that the guy was drugged from a dart gun: the colorful dart still sticking out of his butt clear as day. Funny! When Ashley C. Williams is darted, she goes through all kinds of facial expressions before dropping to the ground. When she finally falls, the evil doctor is seen standing behind her, STILL POINTING THE GUN! Like, now there is no doubt HE did it! This is a very funny movie, and I recommend it.
Living & Dying (2007)
Entertaining - because it's SO BAD
Modern day Bonnie and Clyde try to make a run for it with the loot but get into a gun battle with the police, who were either poor shots or were using blanks. Whoops, Bonnie took a round in the gut! The robbers retreat to a café, and now Bonnie was near death. Luckily, a person (now a hostage) in the café had trained as a nurse, and performed emergency surgery then and there on the floor. Bonnie of course passed out from shock, blood loss, whatever - and the young nursing school dropout proclaimed: "She's gonna be alright! She's just passed out". Bonnie makes a miraculous recovery in a matter of minutes which is good because she is going to have to battle two psychopaths who were also hostages in the café, but now want all the stolen money, and to kill and or rape all the other hostages. WHAT A STUPID STORY. Michael Madsen made a mistake by being in the film. It was decided that Madsen's character would send a female TV reporter into the café because the murderous psychopaths inside demanded it. Hey wait a second, she'll get shot! "She's too pretty to shoot" was Madsen's line that made me laugh out loud. The reporter was raped then killed...
I gave this film 2 stars because there is the possibility that there is a worse film out there somewhere. This film will make you laugh out loud, slap your forehead, and say things like "jeeze", "oh man", "WHAT??", etc., etc. If it were meant to be a comedy, I'd give this film 4 stars.