88 ReviewsOrdered By: Date
The Boy (2016)
Brahms likes the rules.
5 June 2017
This movie is about a young American woman escaping her problems in the US to take a job as a nanny in a remote British house. She is surprised that the child she is to take care of is not a real child but a doll, named Brahms.

The Boy really for the most part is a wonderful treat for those who like spooky goings on but don't like psychological horrors where half of the film is just about investigating the past. Yes there is minor investigations by Greta but it's just bare minimum investigations. It's set in a most apt ye old house and does feel very atmospheric at times.

There are some cheap jump scares but i was totally sucked in to the story of this movie. This movie didn't go where i wanted it to but i still liked it. Could of been better though.
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Zombieland (2009)
Good film but where are the zombies?
10 November 2009
Warning: Spoilers
I've been looking forward to this movie for a long time and for the most part it is good. The comedy is quite clever, what little gore there is is good, the acting is OK (Woody Harrelson is excellent). The story could be better but i found the two girls tedious and annoying. You can always trust a chick to get in the way of a decent horror flick. But OK this is a zombie film so let's not look too deep into this. It is fun but my one big gripe is that with the exception of the first 20 minutes and the last 20 minutes there are very few zombies at all. It's mostly them just driving along with no view of the living dead in sight and we get to Bill Murray's mansion with no view of the living dead in sight, OK the zombies are in it now again but the zombies might as well have been the cameo instead of Bill Murray. If i watch a movie called Zombieland i expect to see a load of zombies throughout.

Otherwise this is a fun, cheesy and stupid horror flick that relies on pretty much Woody Harrelson to carry it which he does well. I give it an 8 because i'm a total zombie fan but if this was as good as the rating it has on IMDb i would have easily have given it a 10.
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The only Police Academy movie that counts
24 September 2005
What can be said about the Police Academy movies? Well, if you take all seven and judge them as a whole then you'd come to the conclusion that they suck and be done with it. On the other hand if you take the first one and judge that by itself then you may, like me come to the conclusion that it's one of the funniest movies of the eighties.

In my mind i won't let the sequels taint this brilliant comedy full of slapstick humour and downright goofiness. When i compare Police Academy to most of the comedies of today then i appreciate it even more.

One thing that bugs me is that Michael Winslow is under used in this. It seems that he is involved in very little and is only there to make cool sound effects. I would have liked him to have been involved in the story more.

Regardless of that little annoyance this is still a brilliant movie which is far superior to the sequels. An eighth Police Academy is in the works as i type this and all i have to say is that it is a big mistake. Comedies of today on the whole suck and combine that with the fact the last few Police Academies were terrible, i shudder to think what the final outcome will be. The first will never be bettered.
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Moonwalker (1988)
I think most people will get some entertainment outta this
25 March 2005
With all this stuff going down at the moment with MJ i've started listening to his music, watching the odd documentary here and there, watched The Wiz and watched Moonwalker again. Maybe i just want to get a certain insight into this guy who i thought was really cool in the eighties just to maybe make up my mind whether he is guilty or innocent. Moonwalker is part biography, part feature film which i remember going to see at the cinema when it was originally released. Some of it has subtle messages about MJ's feeling towards the press and also the obvious message of drugs are bad m'kay.

Visually impressive but of course this is all about Michael Jackson so unless you remotely like MJ in anyway then you are going to hate this and find it boring. Some may call MJ an egotist for consenting to the making of this movie BUT MJ and most of his fans would say that he made it for the fans which if true is really nice of him.

The actual feature film bit when it finally starts is only on for 20 minutes or so excluding the Smooth Criminal sequence and Joe Pesci is convincing as a psychopathic all powerful drug lord. Why he wants MJ dead so bad is beyond me. Because MJ overheard his plans? Nah, Joe Pesci's character ranted that he wanted people to know it is he who is supplying drugs etc so i dunno, maybe he just hates MJ's music.

Lots of cool things in this like MJ turning into a car and a robot and the whole Speed Demon sequence. Also, the director must have had the patience of a saint when it came to filming the kiddy Bad sequence as usually directors hate working with one kid let alone a whole bunch of them performing a complex dance scene.

Bottom line, this movie is for people who like MJ on one level or another (which i think is most people). If not, then stay away. It does try and give off a wholesome message and ironically MJ's bestest buddy in this movie is a girl! Michael Jackson is truly one of the most talented people ever to grace this planet but is he guilty? Well, with all the attention i've gave this subject....hmmm well i don't know because people can be different behind closed doors, i know this for a fact. He is either an extremely nice but stupid guy or one of the most sickest liars. I hope he is not the latter.
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Major Payne (1995)
Surprisingly good!
30 January 2005
Warning: Spoilers
Before i sat down to this i thought it would be a stupid kiddy comedy movie like something off Nickleodeon but i was wrong, this will appeal to adults just as much (if not more) than children. It's about a hardened kill happy Major who doesn't have anything else left to do in the army so his commanding officer gives him a job training a bunch of cadets.

Daman Wayans is fantastic as Major Payne and really makes the character shine. This movie isn't about a bunch of unruly kids making Major Payne's life hell but more like the other way around. The children try hard to get rid of him but their attempts are all futile. It takes a good three quarters of the movie before the kids warm up to the Major. It really is a bit too formulaic near the end but i still think that this is a top notch movie mostly due to Daman Wayans. This guy should be in more stuff. A really funny movie that is for everyone and just when you think it's going to turn sickly sweet in a couple of the scenes....well you'd better watch it to find out. 9/10
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The best Fist Of The North Star there is
15 January 2005
I've just got through watching the first 36 episodes of the TV series of Fist Of The North Star on DVD and until a couple of days ago i thought the TV series came after the movie. The movie comes after the TV series. I have to admit that even though the series has more info and detail about the fighting styles etc i think that the movie is slightly better. It has better animation, better voice acting (in English) and is less repetitive. I watched the movie just over ten years ago and was quite literally blown away by it. It has action, adventure, comedy, gore, thrills, spills and for those people disgusted by the sex scenes in Urotsukidoji you'll be happy to know that FOTNS is sex free.

FOTNS is obviously to some extent based on Mad Max but a heck of a lot better. Only thing that bugs me (just like the series) is that the gore scenes are usually blurred or we see peoples shadows exploding. Kind of annoying. Also there seems that there are a few gaps in it which makes me wonder if there has been a scene or two edited out or cut down (atleast in the UK version).

I'll quickly give a brief summary of the story. It's about a guy called Ken who must get his girlfriend back from his former best friend Shin who beat up Ken, kidnapped his girlfriend and left him for dead. Ken walks through the barren wasteland (it's set after a nuclear war) and kills bad guys with his style of fighting. If he punches anybody they explode shortly after. In the meantime his eldest brother Raoh has amassed an army and is trying to conquer the world. There are also a couple of sub plots. One has this guy called Rei (or Ray?) looking for his sister and is also looking for the guy responsible for kidnapping her.

All this leads to an explosive finale. Fist Of The North Star along with Urotsukidoji is my favourite Japanese anime movie of all time. A definite must see but avoid the American live action film. That sucked the big one for sure. This great anime gets a perfect 10/10 from me.
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Decent slasher let down by stupid end
30 December 2004
'Evil Dead Trap' is about a late night female television presenter who hosts a show about extreme happenings caught on camera. Kind of like a sick version of that sucky British show 'You've Been Framed'. One day she gets a video of a woman being mutilated which has been sent in by someone. At first her and her colleagues don't take it seriously but with the clues given on the video tape her and her work mates go and check it out.

Once i got this movie it took me a couple of months to get round to watching it. A few minutes into it it gets quite gory and then that's about it for the gore. Not much horrifying gore after that at all. In the spirit of slasher movies Nami's mates start getting picked off one by one. She meets a strange mysterious guy and we have a killer that kind of looks like the fisherman from 'I Know What You Did Last Summer'.

Not much suspense here but the location was good. A nice abandoned military base or whatever that isn't on any map. I'm going to cut to the chase. Near the end we think the killer's a schizo but ends up having a baby brother monster inside of him who is in fact the real killer and (this is where it gets confusing) both brothers get burnt to a crisp but still manage to come back. The brothers actually get impaled before being burnt to a crisp and then once again attack Nami. The evil brother is a monster baby that comes back at the end out of Nami's body (after somehow managing to transfer himself in there during the previous fight).

The conclusion of this movie is pretty weak. Somebody delivers a lighter to Nami's work (a lighter which has significance earlier in the movie) and i'm like "who delivered it!?" The monster baby inside of Nami or the monster baby's cremated bro? Er don't make sense. The actual monster does look pretty bad and hardly moves. Oh well. The build up was pretty good and i liked the music mainly because it wasn't your typical slasher movie music but still managed to work well. Worth watching f'sure but don't expect a great ending (or lots of gore). 7/10
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Wild Poses (1933)
HAHA yes excellent!
30 December 2004
I've never seen any of 'Our Gang' before mainly due to the fact that they have never in my lifetime been shown on British TV. Well, at least not to my knowledge. Also 'The Little Rascals' haven't been shown since i was a little kid. I was very impressed by nearly everything in this little comedy gem. The kids are excellent and Spanky is just so amazing it's genius. The way he acts all goofy and at such a young age is quite an achievement and i'm glad they caught this fantastic child actor on camera while they had the chance. I really do sympathise with the photographer though and Stan Laurel's poke in the eye is a bit dodgy. I'm going to try and find some more 'Our Gang' episodes. Superb! 9/10
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Club Dread (2004)
Bill Paxton's best ever performance!
27 December 2004
Club Dread absolutely ROCKS!!! Most of the characters are excellent (even Putman with his dreadful English accent) and as far as Bill Paxton is concerned, i've never really liked the roles which he has played in the past but him playing Coconut Pete is absolutely fantastic, kinda like the way Johnny Depp played Jack Sparrow in 'Pirates Of The Caribbean' but maybe not quite as good but still frickin awesome. Bill actually recorded a few songs (him singing) just for this movie and even though they are kind of gay they're still kind of catchy and have caught myself humming them every now and then.

Club Dread is a comedy more than a slasher and even sends up the slasher genre in places especially the end. This isn't a spoof...(apart from near the end) but is a pretty good comedy which you aren't really supposed to take too seriously. It has good characters and nice locations. It is a tad predictable though. If you want to know who the killer is just look for the least important main character and bobs ya uncle. Great movie. 9/10
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Dracula 3000 (2004)
The year 3000?
9 December 2004
Warning: Spoilers
Dracula 3000 is supposed to be set in the year 3000. Hmmm, OK. Obviously clothes and hairstyles haven't changed much. There is also a crusty old VCR in the ship that was lost in 2950. OK er VCR's are pretty much half extinct now. The guns in it were unimpressive for the year 3000 and the paralysed guy had a really crap wheelchair, not even a motorised one. C'mon, by 3000 i would have thought they would have had hover wheelchairs or the medical technology to make paralysed people walk.

Apart from the props and set not matching the date it also borrows a bit from 'Event Horizon'. Everything was pretty much going fine, i really can almost forgive the out of place things until Dracula finally appears and adds a giant iceberg sized lump of cheese to the proceedings.

The story LOL is about haha Dracula being picked up by a cargo ship *snigger* from a planet of vampires called 'Transylvania' which he is the last vampire of lmao because the planet is dying. This vampire planet is situated in a galaxy called the Carpathian Galaxy HAHAHAHA which this movie is set in. Through the captain's journals we find out that his crew are being turned into vampires (by Dracula i guess). 50 years later Captain Van Helsing and his crew of morons try and salvage the ship.

This movie sucks, it really does. Coolio was OK until he gets turned into a vampire and then his acting goes way way way over the top. Dracula was unconvincing and near the end where Van Helsing and Dracula are fighting is not only pathetic but a total cop out. Also, the plan to fly the ship around the sun and fry Dracula to a crisp would have been a good idea if only the ship they were on had more than one window but the characters overlook that small fact. Also, check out the coffins exploding for no good reason. I won't even mention the pathetic poorly executed ending and its abrupt nature. NO Director, that's a BAD Director!!!

Why the heck were big names starring in this amateur pile of s**t!? Why are they trying to commit career suicide? Casper Van Dien's acting in this is the same as his acting in every other movie he's been in. I think the dude should stop acting every character like it's the same one. The only redeeming feature this movie has is Tiny Lister. The man simply rocks but even he wasn't enough to save this movie. 2/10
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What went wrong!? *sob*
8 December 2004
Warning: Spoilers
I can remember being a fairly big fan of Star Wars after my parents took me to the cinema to see 'Return Of The Jedi' when i was only seven. I was awe struck and instantly started to collect the weekly 'Return Of The Jedi' comic book. Round about 1984 in the comic it said that there were plans to make the 3 prequels but it was all hush hush. I remember thinking how awesome it would be. Well, as we all know the Star Wars prequels were along time away from being made in 1984 so when 13 years later i heard there were plans to actually make them with the latest effects i was over-joyed. Hmmm, i think you know where i'm going with this. I waited for two more years and when i finally got to see the first of the long awaited prequels. That's the day i lost my faith in George Lucas and CGI.

I was extremely disappointed. I mean it is called 'Star Wars' and it has Jedi's and light sabre's in it. It also has the Emperor in it but it totally did not feel like a Star Wars movie. I really don't know where to begin.

The Structure was poor for a start. The first couple of minutes at the beginning was fine then it just lost it. Talk about rushed scenes. One minute Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon are sitting in a room on a Trade Federation starship and the next they're on Naboo with Jar Jar and then 30 seconds later they're in an underwater city. I was like "what's just happened?!". The plot is weak as heck too. Darth Maul was under-used and had very little depth to his character. There was far too much CGI used which made me feel like i was watching an animated movie. The film is just so very shallow. I didn't even care when Anakin blew up the Trade Federation ship at the end. Also, there is Jar Jar Binks who is by far the most annoying character ever! He is so much the definition of something that was supposed to be funny but ended up so not being. What was Lucas thinking!!!? About 95% of people who have watched 'The Phantom Menace' hated that floppy eared t**t! This is probably the reason why Jar Jar is hardly in 'Attack Of The Clones'.

I basically think that the actors did a decent job, all the blame is Lucas's fault. I really was disheartened. I watched it again the other day just to see if i was really being too harsh on it and y'know, i disliked it even more. As a movie on its own it's average but because it was the first ever Star Wars episode and that i had waited about 15 years to watch it it was quite poor. The pod race was pretty cool though. 'Attack Of The Clones' is better but not by much. I just pray to god that 'Revenge Of The Sith' gets it right. 'The Phantom Menace' in many peoples opinion is a let down. 5/10
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Probably the best Star Wars short, CRIKEY!!!
6 December 2004
Yes, Boba Fett ROCKS!!! He's out to destroy as many Jedi as possible and he's kind enough to make a TV show so that we all can see him wipe out them Jedi scum and also let us see how he does it!

LOL yeah this is a hilarious Star Wars short which basically combines Star Wars With Steve Irwin's 'The Crocodile Hunter' and it works too. Boba Fett is funny as heck tracking down all the Jedi and explaining to us the situation and what he's going to do. 'The Jedi Hunter' also takes a little from Star Trek and Aliens

Obviously the inspiration for this comes from the Australian sounding Jango Fett from 'Attack Of The Clones' which i think is both subtle and ingenious! 'The Jedi Hunter' is maybe a little rough around the edges but the effects are quite good and so is the humour and costumes. Definitely worth checking out!!!

Boba Fett hunting a female Jedi:- "By crikey, she's a lovely little sheila, she's fighting for her life! Putting on quite a show, thinks i'm trying to kill her...heh and she's right."

Brilliant. 10/10
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Out Cold (2001)
Nice comedy.
5 December 2004
My hopes were not high for 'Out Cold', they really weren't. I thought this would be just another stupid American comedy like 'Dorm Daze' which i also watched a few days ago and was far from impressed with. It wasn't so thank god for that!

For an American comedy the humour is at times sharp even though at times it is blunt but still works very well. Who the heck wouldn't laugh at the drug test scene!? The acting is also spot on. I think Jason London's character is a bit stupid though because that girl Jenny that likes him is much better looking than that french bird Anna he dated for three weeks. No Contest! I was like "Dude, stop being such a douche and go for sweet Jenny who likes ya instead of Anna who is a cheating ho!".

The locations in this film are beautiful and the snowboarding scenes are breathtaking at times. All in all a nice comedy which ultimately tells the story of corporate America f***ing things up. Well worth watching. 9/10
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Not bad but nothing special.
4 December 2004
Over the years i have caught a few episodes of the original Starsky & Hutch TV series which were OK but a bit boring. A TV show about cops is hardly original. In fact the best thing about the original show was that car. With this remake i'm glad the film makers decided to add comedy to the mix so for me this time the best thing about this movie wasn't the car. It wasn't Ben Stiller either, nor Owen Wilson or Snoop Dogg. The best thing about it was Vince Vaughn who i haven't seen play a bad guy since the 'Psycho' remake. This guy has really impressed me with movies like 'Old School' and 'Dodgeball' and now this.

The story was OK but not great, the acting was generally good but unfortunately the comedy could have been better. It does drag in places and the jokes are few and far between but when there is comedy it ain't bad and usually works, especially the horse scene.

I think most people couldn't really care less about the cameo's from the original Starsky & Hutch near the end. This really is an unnecessary remake of a mediocre show. What next? Cagney & Lacey?! I mildly enjoyed it though, mainly because of Vaughn's performance. 7/10
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CB4 (1993)
The only funny thing Chris Rock has done.
28 November 2004
I'm no fan of Chris Rock. I pretty much find him totally unfunny but CB4 is an exception. Chris Rock is hilarious in this as a black middle-class wannabe rapper pretending to be a gangster rapper in order to make it big in the rap scene. CB4 tries to be a rap version of 'This Is Spinal Tap' and succeeds. Nice cameo's by Ice T, Ice Cube and a few other celebs playing themselves. My favourite scene is when Albert, Rip and Otis are Jammin' to Run DMC in the car. That was awesome! Another great scene is this one after the Run DMC jam where we see the guys doing several rap acts on open mic night. "The Bagheads, The Bagheads, The Bagheads" LOL!!! CB4 is an awesome comedy mixed with a bit of spoof. Highly recommended. 10/10
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Really funny but...
8 November 2004
You have to watch a few other movies first to really appreciate this. The main two movies you have to watch first is Menace II Society and Boyz N The Hood. 'Don't Be A Menace To South Central While Drinking Your Juice In The Hood' spoofs these two to the max but if you haven't seen these two movies most of this movie will be lost on you. It pretty much is good from beginning to end and i can't think of anything bad to say about it. I particularly like the scene with Officer Self Hatred. This movie isn't a total spoof of movies with a couple of original jokes here and there. The Wayans brothers are good in whatever movie they are in so go watch 'White Chicks' and the first two Scary Movie's. If you like this then i also recommend 'CB4' which is equally hilarious. 9/10
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Decampitated (1998)
Excellent mockery of the slasher in the woods movies.
21 October 2004
Decampitated is cheap and cheerful. Not once does this movie take itself seriously. The actors were quite good at acting goofy and even though there is a fair bit of blood and gore this isn't scary or even tries to be. The music is an odd affair with all kinds of music being played especially that stupid music that plays when the killer appears half way through the movie. None of the music is my cup of tea but fits in well. This movie was a joy to watch from beginning to end which just goes to show that the Troma crew really know how to make a cool wacky movie on a budget. The one thing that bugged me was the chick who played Candace. She was really annoying!!! Otherwise a brilliant cheapo spoof. Ha who needs Scary Movie! 9/10
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Muppets for adults.
21 October 2004
For something so unique i was a bit disappointed at how this turned out. It looked really good from the trailers but trailers can be deceiving. Don't get me wrong, i liked it but i just thought Meet The Feebles would be awesome. It starts off OK and then just gets too chaotic and stupid. The structure really did fall apart (just because it's a crazy film doesn't mean it shouldn't have structure). Some of the characters get really annoying too. That frickin giant fly was annoying from the get go. Saying all that though, there are quite a few laughs here with a huge intense finale (ha that poor rabbit finds out he isn't gonna die then BLAM). Meet The Feebles must have took months to make. Worth a watch but definitely not for kids under 14. 7/10
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Shark Tale (2004)
Just as good as Finding Nemo if not better.
19 October 2004
Yet another fun animated movie which unfortunately will live forever in the shadow of Finding Nemo. Shark Tale has got fishes and sharks in the ocean just like Finding Nemo but that is where the similarities end. Finding Nemo doesn't really have a true villain where as Shark Tale does. Finding Nemo is based more on reality where as Shark Tale isn't. The animation for Finding Nemo i would have to say is slightly better but i enjoyed Shark Tale slightly more.

In Shark Tale the humour is quite good and a couple of subtle jokes for adults to laugh at. The characters are all pretty good especially the shrimp. Funny how that shrimp sounds a lot like Mr Hankey and Towelie from South Park! The Jelly fish also kick ass!

My only little annoyance with Shark Tale is how Oscar looks too much like the guy providing his voice, Will Smith. Did they really need to do that? Don Lino looks a little like Robert De Niro but Will Smith's character is really taking the p*ss! Also the ending where Christina whats her face and Missy something or other (sorry, not big into pop music) come on as fishes and do a song. I thought that tarnished what is otherwise quite a great movie. Oh well, can't have everything. 9/10
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Brassed Off (1996)
Average Brit flick.
18 September 2004
Warning: Spoilers
Brassed Off is supposed to be a drama with a bit of light hearted humour. It's about a pit which is on the verge of getting shut down and the pit's brass band who feel that there is no point to the bands existence if the pit closes. Hmmm well yeah some of it was enjoyable to a certain degree but i feel that it had no direction. It was just an excuse to tell a controversial political story and add the brass band as a cover story so people don't get bored. Personally i couldn't give a toss about it all. I was a kid when the recession was on and i don't want to be reminded about it. Life was hard but it's in the past. Let's get on with our lives. It's history but not the interesting history i like. It's also very depressing in places and the character of Phil has it the hardest.

*Minor Spoiler*

As for the brass band, well it's just like any movie about an under dog team making it to the finals and winning. Seen it all before. I couldn't give a toss about the music, not my style and luckily the supposed romance story of the movie was very small. However, the acting was good, the British light hearted humour was in there but unfortunately there wasn't nearly enough of it. A film to watch if there's nothing else to do which is probably the reason i watched it today because i've never been remotely bothered or interested in watching this mediocre movie called Brassed Off. 6/10
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Roots (1977)
120 years worth crammed in to over 9 hours! Amazing!
18 September 2004
There is nothing quite like Roots and i don't think anything will be done like it again. I first saw this about 5 years ago and since then i've seen it all 3 more times. It is a phenomenal achievement!


Roots starts off around 1750 when an African baby is born called Kunta Kinte and follows his life. He gets enslaved by slavers when he's 15 and is taken to a white supremest America where he is sold at a slave market to a Virginian tobacco business man. From there we follow Kunta all the way through to old age and beyond and after he dies we follow his daughter and when she dies as an old lady we follow her son and so on. Basically the main characters die off and then the newish minor characters become main characters as well as there are new characters which are brought in from time to time. All the while though the black people are slaves and treated as 3rd class citizens. We see how they struggle with their hard life and how some of them are happy to be slaves as they've never known anything else and how some dream of freedom. Over the years and generations we see good white people, indifferent white people and very bad white people. It passes quickly through the war of independence but focuses longer on the civil war mainly because this is the beginning of the end of black slavery in America which leads to the KKK part of Roots.

After watching Roots it really does feel like you have watched 120 years of a families generations. From the beginning where Kunta is born all the way to the end where a very old Chicken George leads his family to a new free life. It is quite mind boggling.

I could write a huge review about this mighty saga but i ain't got the time and i doubt anyone would read it anyway. As a white guy i am ashamed at how white people treated black people so badly even though to a lesser extent that still goes on in the world today.

The story is amazing, the acting is award winning and i have no quips with Roots at all apart from one thing. Everyone ages through this except the amazing ageless Mr Moore. Over a span of around 50 years he doesn't age a day. When he is first introduced he looks about 50 and 50 years later he still looks like 50. I think he must be a Highlander or something! LOL

Of course, Roots was made possible by the writer Alex Haley who was a descendant of Kunta Kinte which is explained at the very end. I recommend Roots very highly. It's for people who enjoy history and an engrossing story. You will also get attached to the characters and feel a sense of loss when one of them die. I've only covered the very basics and left a ton of stuff out in this review. Just like Schindler's List you have to watch this because it is an important piece of film making based on a true story. One word....Brilliant! 10/10
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Perfect Dark (2000 Video Game)
Probably the best game ever.
12 September 2004
Perfect Dark played on an N64 with the 4MB expansion pack is truly and utterly one of if not THE best video game ever. Goldeneye was fantastic but this has took it to the next level. Games like Quake 3, Doom 3 or Unreal Tournament might have better graphics but when it comes to sheer gameplay Perfect Dark is the king. The graphics for it are maybe not quite as polished as its predecessor but the amount of great ideas are unrivaled in video game history. Loads of cool meaty weapons (got to love the missile with the camera!). It's over 4 years old and still beats any first person shooter by far. Even though the sequel is to be released sometime in the future on the X-Box i doubt it will play the same as the original did. The missions are so cool and laid out well with a good story and character interaction. The thing that kept me coming back for more was the death matches with up to 8 players playing at the same time (human or sim) which was especially cool because there are so many modes and tweaks to make you play Perfect Dark for years to come. Forget Doom 3 with all it's eye candy but no depth. Keep with this little baby stuck in your N64. I found that i've never took the cartridge out the slot in over 2 years. LOL!
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Parasite (2004)
A mixture of trouble!
8 September 2004
Warning: Spoilers
This movie sucks! Why? Well, what happens when you combine 'Aliens' with 'Tremors' with 'Deep Rising' with terrible acting, poor story and mediocre CGI? Parasite! This is about a renegade business man who works for an oil company who has plans to mess around with bio-hazard chemicals to produce some kind of monster which he can study and probably sell to the highest bidder. Add a bio-hazard team, an environmentalist terrorist team and an ex environmentalist terrorist (who is now working for the oil company and renegade business man) and some mini CGI 'Tremors' worms into the mix and yet again we come up with this steaming pile of dog doo called Parasite. This movie could have been good, it really could but the cast and crew of this movie have no right to be in the movie business. They have obviously set their sights too high. It is a blatant rip off of the movies i just mentioned and (get this) these giant slugs have acid for blood. Even a couple of scenes are very similar to a couple of scenes from 'Aliens'.

*Slight Spoiler (if that's possible)*

This movie is very boring too, it is really slow to get started and judging by the quality of a few scenes the director has just come out of film school or something. The directing is just plain awful! It's really pathetic when this woman (of the bio-hazard team) and this guy (of the environmentalist terror team) get into a fight. One second they're fighting and with a bit of bad direction and bad editing (and terrible acting) there is some sexual tension. It's really badly put together. One scene has the leader of the environmentalists rushing down a ladder because there is one of the monsters following him and he falls and breaks his leg. He can hardly move but does the monster worm go and eat him? Nope. It just waits for him to be saved and attacks when the lit petrol is about to explode. ARRRGHHH stupid bloody film! The whole story might sound like a good idea but trust me, it sucks! You've seen it all before so why see stuff you've already seen, done badly? One CGI effect was alright where the woman was like half eaten but still alive but that's near the end of the movie. Stay away and see something else. 2/10
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Scarecrows (1988)
Has its moments but is ultimately bland...and dark!
28 August 2004
Warning: Spoilers
I saw this round about 1989 at my sisters house and the one thing i can always remember about this movie was the fact that it was too dark. Yeah that's right, i'm moaning about the really poor lighting. I got the chance to view it again after all these years and my memory is totally correct. It's too dark even with the brightness turned up a notch. This movie is shot entirely at night but that's no excuse because other films have been but they've been OK. It's sometimes hard to see what is going on.


I am a big fan of 'Dark Night Of The Scarecrow' which is an excellent movie so when i originally saw 'Scarecrows' i thought it would be kick ass. Unfortunately it wasn't. It has a crap story with crap actors and takes an eternity for it to get going which is pretty stupid for a movie which is on for only 79 minutes. When things do liven up there's not that much to see as there are only about 4 killings and one of them is off screen. The killings are over all too fast with little build up to most of them. The characters are pretty stupid too. When Jack is on the roof of that house and he see's through his night-vision a snarling scarecrow in the distance he panics for a few seconds then is OK and proceeds to go outside to search for the lost money. Er i wouldn't have stepped foot outside till day break! What a dumbass! Also, when the robbers know that something is severely wrong do they barricade themselves in the house? Nope, they leave the front door wide open. When Curry realises that bullets don't work against the scarecrows do they think of using fire against them? Nope, they obviously go with the simple solution of using exploding shells, duh! If you can't tell, i'm being sarcastic.

But the scene with the night-vision that i just mentioned is extremely cool and scary. That scarecrow really looked nasty and evil. The few gore effects were good as well. The idea of the scarecrows gutting a human and stuffing their insides full of straw is pretty twisted. The trouble is...why? We learn next to nothing about who the scarecrows are (we're supposed to assume they are the three guys in the picture, i think) and why they are doing what they are doing. One of the robbers comes up with an half arsed assumption which we the viewer are supposed to accept as gospel. The background story is sketchy at best. And why did that guy Bert decide to turn on his comrades at the beginning? He didn't seem to have too much of a plan and the guy is a stupid wimp so why did he fancy his chances on the run?

All in all a scaryish film which relies more on its twisted nature than its scare factor. That scarecrow in the night-vision shot was excellent though and the zombie/scarecrow Jack at the end wasn't too bad either. Yeah, watch this even if the character who is going to survive this is painfully obvious straight from the beginning. An averagely bland horror movie with a couple of cool scenes. Way too dark though. 6/10
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Predator 2 (1990)
You can't see the eyes of the Demon until him come callin
24 August 2004
Warning: Spoilers
Now i love the original to this but unlike the majority of people i think that this one is the best of the two. It doesn't have Arnie, true but did Arnie really make the first one so great? I don't think so. Gary Busey is in this along with Danny Glover. I do think this movie has its faults but it's so much fun, it's so exciting and adds so much to the Predator universe including the start of the 14 year wait for Alien Vs Predator which ended up not being really worth the wait for.

It's all about another Predator who lands near Los Angeles in the middle of a blisteringly hot heatwave. It witnesses a cop played by Danny Glover take on a couple of warring drug gangs which impresses it no end so it decides that Glover is the worthy prey it needs to hunt whilst being hunted itself by a top secret Government organisation lead by Gary Busey.

*Slight Spoiler*

Predator 2 is full of thrills, excitement, spooky terrifying atmosphere just like the first and gore. The characters are just as deep as the original too. We find out more about the predator too in this. The only thing that maybe irks me a bit is that realistically Danny Glover is nowhere near capable of defeating a predator mainly due to the fact that he is just a cop and he is kind of fat unlike Arnie's character in the first who was an elite commando leader but that can be explained away as luck. Danny Glover is one lucky S.O.B. in this.

In Predator 2 we have drug gangs, drug wars, drug lords (gotta love King Willy who says the coolest line ever in movie history), top weapons, action, excitement, tension and of course, a bad ass predator. The effects are great, the acting is good and the music and sound effects in this are pretty much the same from the original so huzzah!

You will probably disagree with me but this has a slight edge over Predator 1 and Aliens. It definitely beats the crap out of the rather disappointing Alien Vs Predator. Watch Predator 1 and 2 instead even though if you are a fan of either aliens or predator then nothing and no one will stop you from watching AVP. Regardless of AVP's lack of quality Predator 2 is amazing so i'm giving it 10/10
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