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29 reviews in total 
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Open Water (2003)
2 out of 4 people found the following review useful:
Terribly Overrated, 4 January 2005

I have just finished watching "Open Water," which I rented today. From all of the reviews and advertisements, I thought I was in for a rip-roaring shocker! This has to be one of the dullest and most insomnia-inducing movies that I have ever witnessed. Boring in the extreme, although it is a better film than "Jaws: The Revenge." (Then again, anything is better than "Jaws: The Revenge.") I am a serious film lover, and I was extremely let down by "Open Water." Who thought that this was scary? NOTHING HAPPENED! It would be a terrifying situation to be stranded in the middle of the sea and be surrounded by sharks, but we must witness scene after scene of dialogue that seems to have been stolen from "Days Of Our Lives." The critical praising that was heaped on this film staggers me.

8 out of 11 people found the following review useful:
Even Good Directors Get The Blues, 18 December 2004

Gus Van Sant has directed some truly brilliant films. His directorial credits include "My Own Private Idaho," "To Die For," "Drugstore Cowboy," and, most recently, the audacious and thought-provoking allegory of school violence, "Elephant." He also was the executive producer of the infamous, eye-opening "Kids." However, his reputation took a tumble with the needless, colorized shot-by-shot remake of Alfred Hitchcock's "Psycho," with Vince Vaughn standing in for Anthony Perkins! However, "Even Cowgirls Get The Blues" goes down in history as one of the most witless, undramatic, incoherent, dumbest, laziest, and plot less films ever to be released upon the public. The counter-culture novel by Tom Robbins is 100% trashed here. The novel shouldn't have been filmed at such a late date anyway. Or, perhaps, it shouldn't have been filmed at all.

Uma Thurman stars as Sissy Hankshaw, who somehow is a professional hitch-hiker (remember the book is set in the 60's; the movie makes no attempt to let us know exactly what time period this is supposed to be) who manages to get easy rides by sticking out her bulging, grossly large thumb. Yeah, that pulls the guys over every time.

Sissy meets up with an insane slew of Hollywood stars who seem to be doing a special favor for Van Sandt. Meandering around are Roseanne Barr, John Hurt, Keanu Reeves, Crispin Glover, Carol Kane, and...are you ready...Angie Dickinson! For unknown reasons, Sissy hitches a ride to a "feminist ranch" that pampers spa services to rich women. For further unknown reasons, there's a gaggle of "cowgirls" living and working on the ranch, led by Rain Phoenix as "Bonanza Jellybean." What results is nothing...nothing at all. There is not even the slightest story to speak of. The film seems to have been edited with duct tape. Van Sandt reportedly re-edited this film furiously after it was "booed" off of the screen at various premieres. I would love to see what he cut out. He would have been better off just completely scrapping this project.

But Van Sant is all forgiven for this travesty. He has gone on to prove himself as a solid director/producer. "Even Cowgirls Get The Blues" is probably the only Gus Van Sant film that you can get for $2.00 out of a bargain bin at Family Dollar.

1 out of 2 people found the following review useful:
Another Movie From A, 17 December 2004

I'll just cut to the chase. The main problem with "The Basketball Diaries" is that viewers of the film are never certain as to exactly what time period this story takes place. If you have read Jim Carrol's staggering memoirs, "Basketball Diaries," you will know that he was writing his totally drug-drenched 70's and 80's memoirs.

This film version doesn't know quite how to play it. There are times when the characters act like 1990's kids, and other scenes that seem to be stuck in the 60's.

As the film opens, Jim (Leonardo DiCaprio) and his best friends are getting plastered by sniffing cleaning fluid. What day and age is this? In the next scene, we see Jim and all of his friends getting prepared for a big game. Mark Wahlberg (formerly "Marky Mark") is astonishing as Mickey, Jim's best friend, who provides pills to the team, resulting in a scene that has become a classic...everyone on drugs attempting to play basketball to the tune of The Doors classic "The End." What destroys this film is that the script falls apart early on and the characters leap from one personality to another..from one situation to another...with no development.

Tons of futile plot twists and confusing musical decades are packed into this film. Neutron (Patrick MacGaw) seems to be the most sensible of the group. He shouts angrily at the ball team for using drugs, YET.. in the scene JUST BEFORE THIS, Neutron is wearing a ski-mask and helps his friends assault an older lady so that they can get cash for heroin. The editing and art direction are deliriously wrong. Before it's all over, Juliette Lewis shows up as a heroin whore, who becomes pure and clean (with no explanation) and tosses pretzels at Leonardo; Ernie Hudson is a black man who plays basketball with Jim, and later tries to come to the rescue when he declares, "You were frozen in the snow like a goddamn fuge-sicle!" Lorraine Bracco ("The Sopranos") goes nuts in the few scenes that she is in. She's screaming at Leo about the pills she found in his room. Bracco wails, "What are you gonna tell me? That they're VITAMINS???" It all ends with Jim going to prison and learning his lesson. There is nothing really wrong with this movie unless you know the real story. Jim Caroll's stunning memoir, "Basketball Diaries," takes you deep into a harrowing world. This movie just barely scratches the surface.

10 out of 13 people found the following review useful:
This Is HILARIOUS!, 26 November 2004

I have always been a critic of movies and television. Ever since I was a small child, I could watch a TV show or a movie and decide for myself if it was "GOOD" or "BAD" or "Just O.K." In this intense, scary world that we live in, "QUINTUPLETS" is the perfect remedy for the blues! Why the "reviews" for this show have been so bad, I'll never know. Andy Richter's hilarity is used to perfect effect, especially in his scenes with Patton (Ryan Pinkston) and Pierce (Johnny Lewis), who are the funniest of the Quints, which also includes Penny, Paige, and Parker. I think that people who write in and trash this show are either depressed and unhappy in their own lives, or they are wide-eyed right-wing fanatics wondering what happened to "Leave It To Beaver." Didn't you love the episode where Patton joined the cheerleading squad so that he could be close to the girls, but later quit because he got an erection during every practice? PRICELESS! If you don't find humor in this show, switch over to PAX and watch repeats of "DR. QUINN, MEDICINE WOMAN."

1 out of 5 people found the following review useful:
Narrow Minded Idiots Hate This Movie, 26 November 2004

How could any rational, sensible, educated, Christian person support George W. Bush? I'm sure God and Jesus are 100% on our side for bombing families and babies that never posed any threat to the United States. Bush was just re-elected by screaming that he was a man of God, that he knew where the FAITH of Americans stood, and blah-blah-blah-blah. Yes, all you Bush supporters...I think it is GREAT that thousands of our poor, uneducated teen boys are being slaughtered on a daily basis..and for what? Bush freaks love to say that "our boys are fighting for our freedom." BULL! When was the FREEDOM of the United States ever in question? George W. Bush is an uneducated, thoughtless, murdering WAR DODGER. He was too much of a sissy to fight in Vietnam, so he gets Daddy Bush to take care of it. Now, he's sending all of our (DUMB, BRAINWASHED) kids over there to get murdered! Why doesn't he send those pill-popping, boozing daughters of his over to Iraq? I can not believe that we are stuck with this dumb hick for four more years. Why did Bush win again? Because so many American people are SHEEP...bah,bah,bah,bah... we must follow! Pathetic.

23 out of 30 people found the following review useful:
Hope It Lasts!, 15 October 2004

There have only been two episodes of this so far, but I am hooked already! Kudos to ABC for presenting a teenage drama that does not sugarcoat teenage issues or pretend to moralize. I look forward to seeing what develops in the future. I knew guys (and girls) just like this when I was in high school. Sex, drugs, drinking, parties...yes, parents, it all happens. This is very well-written and developed, and I hope it can escape the axe. ABC needs to give this show a chance to build a fan base. I also enjoy "The O.C.," but it is more fantasy escapism. "Life As We Know It" is more edgy and real. Also, Kelly Osbourne is such a natural actress! I am impressed with her acting and I love her character.

L.I.E. (2001)
0 out of 2 people found the following review useful:
Staggering Film Packs A Wallop SPOILER!!!, 5 October 2004

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

LIE is an absorbing, gut-wrenching film that follows the shallow, delinquent lives of four teen buddies. Alas, the reason that these kids do whatever they please is because their parents are completely blind ("Not MY child!") Howie Blitzer (Paul Franklin Dano, who is amazing) has had a hard time dealing with the death of his mother, who was killed in a car wreck on the Long Island Expressway. (Howie says that he hopes that the LIE doesn't take him. As Howie puts it, "LIE..Long Island got your lanes going west, you got your lanes going north, and you got your lanes going straight to hell.") Howie's dad is a total prick. He's a construction worker who is in big trouble because buildings that he supervised have burned down; turns out that Howie's dad used cheap aluminum wire to save costs. To escape from his crazy dad, Howie finds comfort in his best friend, Gary, (Billy Kay.) Howie has always been "unsure" of his sexuality, and he has always had a crush on Gary, who is a blue-eyed, blonde-haired charmer. Howie, however, does not know that Gary is a male prostitute. Gary suggests to Howie that they break into a luxurious house and steal all the valuables. Howie and Gary bust out a basement window, and grab some guns, while the owner of the house, child molester Big John, runs to the basement and leaps at Howie, only managing to rip off a piece of Howie's back pocket. The plot thickens when we learn that Gary has been having sex with Big John for years. Seems Gary has run home with both of the guns, and calls a cab to drive him to California. Gary;s got both guns. Howie is nervous when he tells Big John that he doesn't have either of the guns. Howie's dad is in prison and will be there for a while. Will Big John become a father figure for little Howie Blitzer? At the end of the film, Howie goes to visit his dad in prison - BRIEFLY and RELUCTANTLY. Howie's last word to his dad - "I love you,dad. But don't ever f***ing hit me again." In the final scene, pedophile Big John is brutally murdered to death by an ex-teen lover. THESE ARE OUR KIDS AND PARENTS!

5 out of 11 people found the following review useful:
I Just Felt Sorry For Carol, 21 September 2004

Carol Burnett is so talented! She can be dramatic, silly, downright hilarious. I am a huge fan of Carol's 70's variety show. However, this movie is a terrible load of crap. You won't believe how bad this is unless you have seen it. Burnett is street entertainer "Chu Chu" (a "Charo" imitation that Burnett got loads of laughs for on her television show, but it is strangely unfunny in this debacle.) Chu Chu meets up with a homeless bum, (Alan Arkin), who is known on the streets as the "Philly Flash" because he was once a professional baseball player. Somehow, these two stumble upon a brief case that contains secret government documents...and, well, I can't write anymore. This has to be seen to be believed.

47 out of 61 people found the following review useful:
Funny! Funny! Funny!, 15 September 2004

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

I can't understand why this film got such bad reviews. This is a knee-slapping riot! I have just about memorized the script. I was a teen in the 80's and grew up with John Hughes movies..."Breakfast Club," "Sixteen Candles," "Pretty In Pink," etc. "Not Another Teen Movie" is absolutely hilarious. The high school in the film is "John Hughes High," complete with the cafeteria named "The Anthony Michael Dining Hall." Most all of the dialogue is priceless. There's an undercover narc who is a 70 year-old woman. The foreign exchange student is always completely nude; she explains to the principal that she is not in America to study, she just wants to be "an object of lust for nerds who can not get American pussy." There are many classic bits, such as when the popular school jock, Jake, tries to woo nerdy Janie Briggs by belting out "Janie's Got A Gun" by Aerosmith. Jake means well, but cops attack Janie with a stun gun and scream at her to surrender her weapon. There's also a hilarious spoof of "Grease" in which all of the characters sing and perform a highly choreographed dance to "Prom Tonight!" ("I'm gonna get pussy no matter what..even if it's with dirty slut!") In a wicked parody of "Cruel Intentions," Mia Kirshner, as Catherine, is always trying to have sex with her brother Jake. (She wails "So what if we have the same mother! Tonight I'm gonna f**k my brother!) No teen film is spared. This hilarious movie lampoons all of the classic teenage films. Slutty Catherine gets tipsy at the prom, slugging booze out of her flask, while kids look at her and say "Does she go to this school?" Catherine hooks up with one of the nerds and she cries as she exclaims that "all she wants is for a guy to take a dump on her chest." The nerd tells her that he is shocked that no guy has ever taken a dump on her chest and tells Catherine that he would be honored to do so. I could go on and on, but trust me, NOT ANOTHER TEEN MOVIE is HILARIOUS! Deleriously funny! And watch for Randy Quaid as an alcoholic father who loves to have sex with pies. A COMEDY CLASSIC!

Grease 2 (1982)
1 out of 3 people found the following review useful:
Mind-Boggling Sequel, 26 July 2004

This film is most certainly in the Top 5 listing for one of the most needless sequels in the history of cinema. There was absolutely no reason that this film was made, except to try and grab a few dollars from the fans of the wonderful original "Grease," who stayed away from this sequel in droves. "Grease 2" is not just bad; it seems to bask in its own badness. The "plot" is what sinks this film. "Grease 2" begins with a new year at Rydell High, and I must say that Eve Arden and Dody Goodman ("Miss Mcgee" and "Blanche") are hilarious. The extremely dull Michael Carrington (Maxwell Caulfield) shows up at Rydell as a foreign exchange student, greeted by Frenchy (Didi Conn), who is back at Rydell to get her chemistry credit. Michael then tells Frenchy that his cousin "Sandy" (Olivia Newton-John, from the original) told him that Frenchy was the one who "knew the ropes around here." Frenchy replies, "Oh, ropes are my specialty." (????) Michael gets the hots for Stephanie Zinone (Michelle Pfeiffer, who has come a long way) but she informs him that she'll only date a "cool rider," which means a guy with a motorycle. Michelle Pfeiffer actually sings a solo, "Cool Rider", which sounds like a cross between Belinda Carlisle and Pat Benetar, even though this is supposedly set in the 60's. What happens next in the story is ludicrous, ridiculous, implausible, and EXTREMELY contrived. Michael drives up on a motorcycle, wearing all black leather and GOGGLES on his eyes, kisses Stephanie, drives away, and then Stephanie whines the rest of the movie about her mystery love. Pfeiffer exclaims, "Just when I found you, I lost you!" I must say that I enjoy this film for its cult status and its absolute awfulness. The closing number, "We'll Be Together," becomes jaw-droppingly hilarious in its final choreographed moment...a wacky girl and a guy spinning around, wrapped up in bright strands of Christmas tree lights. This is PERFECT for a "Bad Movie Party."

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