195 Reviews
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Avalanche (1978)
Unintentionally funny
19 February 2018
Warning: Spoilers
Silly disaster film.

There's a lot of funny scenes in this goofy flick. The problem is that the scenes were not supposed to be funny.

Unintentional clumsiness includes a skier splashing a glass of milk in his jealous girlfriend's face, Jeanette Nolan falling onto piano keys and lighting a cigarette, a guy hanging from a ski lift wire jumping down to a safety net held by rescue workers.... only to completely miss the net, and an ambulance driving recklessly until it flies off a cliff and crashes on the rocks below.

Stupid and pointless, but at least it occasionally provides a chuckle.
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Curse of the Mayan Temple (1977 TV Movie)
Fun Escapism
19 February 2018
Warning: Spoilers
Bill Burrud was good at creating adventure stories.

In this one, two American tourists decide to search for an ancient temple of the Mayan dynasty. After they get tips from the townspeople concerning the location of their destination, they venture into the jungle to explore. They happen upon the temple and commence with their research.

Good armchair escapism.
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Star Trek: Assignment: Earth (1968)
Season 2, Episode 26
15 February 2018
Warning: Spoilers
I can't believe that people liked this stupid episode. Kirk and Spock are nowhere to be found for long periods of time. Just Bob Lansing and that idiot ditz Teri Garr acting dumb (just like she is in real life).

The Enterprise crew does some purposeful time-traveling (pffft) and inadvertently meet up with Lansing, who is from the past, but not of Earth and he has some sabotage work to perform on an American Apollo spacecraft. Ba-da-boom, ba-da-bing, Kirk and Spock actually help the dude and then magically return to the ship (the way they always do).

This is just another one of the junk episodes from Star Trek - TOS (The Original Series). You can really tell that the writers were not only running out of ideas, but that the series itself was strapped for money.... less effects, less sets, less props, less imagination, and more talk and lame 'aliens' that didn't cost much to write into the script.

A total dud, Shatner and Nimoy look appropriately embarrassed and bored.
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A Few True Realities
8 December 2017
Warning: Spoilers
Let me get started by saying there's no story even resembling reality here. Navy lawyer Kaffee (Tom Snooze) is a little pee-on, yet he decides all on his own to take a sensitive case to court, a maneuver which would have found him stone-walled as soon as the higher echelon discovered he was filing to try the case.

Of course, we wouldn't have a movie without writer Aaron 'Copy-n-Paste' Sorkin's silly plot. We also wouldn't get to see Jack Nicholson's fine performance as Colonel Jessup. After all, he makes this his show while concomitantly dwarfing the poor excuses for actors on hand (Tom Snooze, Dummy Moore, and Kevin Haddock). Therefore, let the carnage begin.

We are introduced to Kaffee when he is LATE for a meeting showing up without a PEN (he's a lawyer - with a briefcase and everything - but he forgot his pen). Naturally, his commander is understanding. This is where the smart-alek chutzpah begins as Kaffee is proved to be a selfish fool, but all his contemporaries mysteriously still admire him.

The next ignorant screw-up by Kaffee happens as he arrives at a superior's office where Kaffee plops down in a chair while munching on an apple. As he sucks the dripping juices off his wrist, the silliness is snapped back to the old 'understanding commander' gag, rather than the more believable (and preferable) event of the superior barbecuing Kaffee for being such an arrogantly clueless putz.

As the film drones on, Kaffee has not realized that he should probably go to the nearest five-n-dime store and purchase a package of pens (this running joke was meant to be funny..... it was not). Kaffee's stupidity and total lack of military bearing was more than just Sorkin's failed attempt at comedy. It was also very annoying which resulted in a dislike of Kaffee. What a jerk.

When the BIG SCENE materializes (where, in the court room, Kaffee gets Jessup to 'admit' to ordering a forbidden 'Code Red'), we are supposed to believe that Jessup's career is over. This is a half-witted plot point by Sorkin as Jessup could easily appeal and just say that he was angered by the arrogant Kaffee (who truly is an obnoxious little fart). Following Jessup's demise, we see Kaffee stand proud to serve in the Navy, something he's balked at for the preceding 2 hours-plus.

As previously stated, this is Nicholson's movie. But added to that, there is no story here, at least if one strives for reality in a film, which is what all involved in movies strive for. When Kaffee (who was specifically chosen by the Navy to plea-bargain this case) decides all by his lonesome to try the soon-to-be-general Jessup in a court of law, the Navy would have escorted Kaffee back to his little cubical and shoved a stale donut in his mouth to shut him up, all of this while they begin to process his foolish butt out of the Navy.

Rent, watch, enjoy, but don't forget..... there's no realistic story here.
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Noisy and Stoo-pit
7 December 2017
More of the same is what Tyler 'Rut' (like, "in a rut") Perry has for us this time around.

His first Madea Halloween feature was moderately humorous, but it was ultimately a wanting endeavor. Madea and her posse yelled, screamed, and waxed imbecilic while the audience, depending on their love or dislike for Madea, either slapped their proverbial knees in loud guffaws or chomped deliberately on their popcorn wondering why the hell they paid the 15-buck contemporary theater price of admission when they could have stayed home and watched reruns of Sanford and Son instead. This fiasco is a faded rehash of the first Madea Boo story.

Thanks for nothing, Rut.
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Columbo: Fade in to Murder (1976)
Season 6, Episode 1
Bill Shatner ruins everything..... again
18 November 2017
Warning: Spoilers
Stinko episode.

Columbo tries to hook a TV actor (William Shatner) who killed Lola Albright. Man, I'd try to hook him, too. I LOVE LOLA ALBRIGHT! Why kill her?!!! Why?! Why?! Wait a minute.... this was just a TV show. I forgot. Anyway, I love Lola Albright and it made me mad that this lame actor got rid of her, in a night deli of all places. As usual, Shatner over-acts. This guy simply doesn't have a place on this earth and certainly not in the acting profession. He was even awkward on 'Star Trek', but it was such a novelty to have this Shakespearean dude playing a futuristic spaceman and spouting lines like "Engine room, I want more power!". Anyway, he stinks here, just like he did in 'T.J. Hooker'.

One of the worst Columbos, and to Bill Shatner: IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!!!
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Apollo 13 (I) (1995)
Formula 13
10 November 2017
Ron 'Opie' Howard wings it again with his patented clumsy direction.

Authenticity is thrown out the space window. Examples: having NASA dudes talking politics two feet away from the tonnage-heavy 'wheel tracks' of the 'crawler' (the vehicle which transports the rocket to the launch pad at 1 mile an hour); making astronauts Haise and Swigert argue and point fingers at one another concerning the accident in the spacecraft; mission commander Lovell (Tom Hanks with his squirrelly voice in tow) losing his temper and yelling in a NASA space center meeting; flight director Kranz finding a little corner to sit in so he can sulk; the predictable changing of original verbal transmissions; much more fictional silliness.

Like most contemporary Hollywood movies, every actor looks like he's 'acting', including veteran Ed Harris who should know better, though Kathleen Quinlan is adequate as Lovell's wife, Marilyn.

Film plays like a TV-movie or a cheap direct-to-video flick. As usual, the trajectory of blame should land right on top of Opie whom has yet to establish himself as a major film director.
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Denzel in a wig and goofy glasses.... and that's all
24 October 2017
Warning: Spoilers
Denzel Washington, whom has yet to prove himself to be a high-caliber actor, continues to choose 'wrong' roles that just aren't very interesting.

One of the problems here is the overly-familiar 'defense-lawyer-who-rises-from-the-ashes' story-line. We've seen it, it's been done. Yet here it is again, regurgitated like digging in the trash for the scraps of a meal you ate last week.

As an actor, Washington must focus on portraying a character who is credulous and likable rather than just trying to show the audience how great his acting range is (which isn't very great), this time using 'shock value' by donning an afro and some over-sized funky glasses which mostly makes Denzel look like he's fishing for an Academy Award (which he won't get).

A film which is not particularly well directed with Denzel offering his same old acting schtick. Court is dissolved. Next case.
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Might as well be '112 To The Moon'
14 October 2017
12(!) to the Moon is at least 8 too many.

Twelve international dumbbells pile into a rocket headed for the lunar world led by an American macho man named Anderson. Hopefully none of these idiots will make it back alive. Filmed in black and white to go with the black and white of space. There's a meteor shower and various arguments among the ass-tronauts on board the ship to keep the audience glued to the edge of their seats (they had to be glued or else they'd get up and walk out of the theater).

Drab to say the least; might be more interesting if viewing the MST3K version.
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12 October 2017
Who wouldn't like this movie? It has chicks dancing around and shaking their boobies, 90 minutes of it!

Bless these women for making men happy. Yes, we're pigs, we're inconsiderate, we're idiots, but we love women! More boobs! That would be the title if I had named this picture.... "Boobs". Then the sequel would be called "Boobs 2: More Boobs".

Written by Edward Wood (the same), adapted from his novel.... his 'novel'? There was a novel? Maybe they meant 'navel'. The script does resemble belly-button lint.
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Girl Fight!
12 October 2017
This flick has a chick fight which is by far the best thing in the movie.

MST3K made this film famous, but for all the wrong reasons, save the fact that Joel and the Bots made it watchable. See that version first, then if you're still in the mood for self-inflicted sadism, watch the movie itself again.... you sadist.

Apparently, there is a plot, though it is never clear exactly what it could be. A young family stays at a country house occupied by a strange derelict who speaks of a "master" housed somewhere in the vicinity.

Probably the most painful 70 minutes of movie-watching you'll ever know.
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Marooned (1969)
Watch the MST3K episode
30 September 2017
Warning: Spoilers
This movie stinks unless you watch the MST3k episode which is very funny.

Gene Hackman, Dick Crenna, and Jimbo Franciscus play uptight American astronauts who get 'stranded' in earth orbit. Gregory Peck, Scott Brady, and a plethora of other actors are in mission control trying to talk these idiots down. The film drones on and on trying to inject some life somewhere - anywhere. At one point, the wives of the space dudes show up to offer their men moral support just about the time the viewer is throwing a noose over the rafters.

John Sturges directed (believe it or not).
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Killa Season (2006 Video)
Contrubutive to the De-Evolutionizing of the African-American Culture
26 September 2017
F-words, guns, drugs, liquor, gold chains, gangsta New Yawk sports teams active-wear, bimbos, rap, slaggin', etc., etc... you've seen it all before.

Two-bit director barfs out this barfy tripe with two-bit actors improvising the easiest thing to improvise.... street talk.... "yo, know whut ahm sayin'?".

2 hours!! That's how long you have to fight the urge to hang yourself from the rafters while watching this colossally kaleidoscopic mess, astronomically meaningless and stupid; the fifth-rate thug director didn't have the simple sense to know that this schtick has been done before, and by much better fifth-rate thugs than him.

Aw-ite, man. I gots to go.
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The Wrath of Grapes
26 September 2017
Warning: Spoilers
Pretty good film, but awfully slow-moving at times. Honestly simple as a bowl of grapes, but even that can become wretchedly mundane.

Tom Joad (Hank Fonda) is ultimately a general pain in the butt. He just can't avoid mischief earning him the right to be arrested and thrown in the clink just to get him out of everybody's hair -- and I wished that would have happened. As it was, he continued to screw up despite the constant pleas of his Mom to stay out of trouble.

John Carradine (my all-time favorite actor) delivers a fine performance as an ex-preacher. The film is basically well directed by John Ford, but once the Joads arrive at the 'sanitary unit' camp, the movie is, for all intents and purposes, by that time, over. There just aren't any surprises left. Fonda's final "I'll be there" speech is over-rated.

Worth tuning in for Ford's direction and Carradine's acting.
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Jaws 2 (1978)
Rehash 1
9 September 2017
Warning: Spoilers
This first of several un-needed sequels is just a re-working of the original shark flick.

Brody tries to save a group of rotten teenagers after almost two hours of filler wherein somebody gets devoured by the mad fish every time an imposed-upon good samaritan throws them a line in an attempt to save their sorry butts.

Most of this film is a mirror of scenes in Jaws 1 leading up to when Brody has an ace up his sleeve as the shark swims towards him for the final blow; this time it's not an oxygen tank, but an underwater electric cable that contributes to the angry mammal's demise.

2 stars only.... one each for pretty Ann Dusenberry and Donna Wilkes. See Donna in 'Fyre' (1979). What a nice small set of boobs as she goes topless. Ann also shows her young rack in 'Basic Training' (1985).

I bet Mom and Dad were real proud of these two little fame-n-fortune hunters who would both do ANYTHING to be a 'star'! Like when Donna shows her breasts, snorts cocaine, and makes out with another chick in 'Fyre'. And where are they both now? Pffft.
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Gog (1954)
3 September 2017
Warning: Spoilers
Scientists hang around the lab talking scientific stuff while they wait for the next science disaster to occur.

After awhile, it becomes evident that Constance Dowling is probably not going to dance naked on top of a table. The talking and the walking from one lab to the next continues, constantly interjected with an over-abundance of shots of scientific equipment.

The film is only about 80 minutes long, but it seems to go on for close to two hours. There is no explosive ending, only a weak scene of two old farts expounding on the promise of science in the future, followed by stock footage of a V-2 rocket arrogantly blasting off into oblivion.

Though I gagged on this mundane film, it was preferable to finding out what it would be like to 'gog' on it.
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The Jim Bakker Show (2003– )
Bakker's dark past always looms in the air
12 August 2017
Jim Bakker's checkered former days haunt this little show.

Jim, with new wife Lori (a cute and seemingly nice lady), has taken to selling 'food buckets'. This would not be suspect, except that Jim pitches how 'Doomsday' is drawing near, and THAT is why you NEED to order these survival buckets -- and Jimbo is not shy about asking for prices like $2,000 to $4,000 for 20 to 40 buckets or so, buckets which you are supposed to store in your basement or somewhere. Apparently, he hasn't been selling many because he's down-sized the offers time and again (he now has a 'starter kit' bucket.... a month's worth of food for $75). He measures the amount of food you receive by "servings", but who eats in 'servings'? By the way, Jim owes about $6 million dollars in liens to the IRS. No doubt he wants to pay that off fast, but one is inclined to doubt that he ever will.

Some good guest-speakers on the show, like Perry Stone and Frank Amedia. It's actually an attractive program if you can get past the remembrance of Jim's shady shenanigans during his involvement with his old PTL Club/Heritage USA ministry where he diverted $4 million dollars of his congregation's offerings into his own personal bank account, as well as cheating on his then-wife, Tammy Fay, and then tapped the ministry's treasury again to take $800,000 so he could pay off the 'other woman' (Jessica Hahn) to buy her silence.

All I can say is... the rubes who allow this unscrupulous crook to take their money deserve to be taken.
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Swashbuckler (1976)
Quint on the Seven Seas
22 July 2017
Warning: Spoilers
Robert Shaw does his 'Quint' imitation (from 'Jaws') in this goofy pirate adventure.

During the playing of the clumsy musical score, 'Ned Lynch' (Shaw) runs around in his best red pirate blouse unbuttoned all the way down to his navel (you know, the way all gay pirates do). While 'Major Folly', portrayed by the typically over-acting Beau Bridges (Lloyd's load), conducts an execution of James Earl Jones, Lynch rescues the Black Man with the help of perfectly placed ropes for him to swing to shore on, and then back to his ship, which is conveniently displacing deep water a foot from the beach, all while the townspeople jump for joy for no apparent reason, complete with cartwheels and the triumphant yawping of a banana salesman (from whom Lynch later steals the dude's banana supply). Does Quint-- I mean, Lynch, know these people? Do they get some form of remuneration for their loyalty? Does anyone give a rat's butt?

Lynch continues to bounce around, smiling like an idiot, with his trusted crew which includes everybody's favorite effeminate giant, Geoffrey Holder, and pudgy Avery Schreiber (who wears a 'half-shirt'.... yuck!) with his cheesy mustache in tow. Finally, Lynch meets the token damsel-in-distress (Genevieve Bujold) who is trying to retrieve her necklace from one of the crew sluts. The resident villain is Peter Boyle (I bet he does a kill Brando impersonation).

Smash-cut to the plot.... Genevieve must conscript Lynch to her service in order to free associate political prisoners who await execution. The rest is more blarney interspersed with every pirate movie cliché in the archives. For note, one of Lynch's men speaks 'monkey', Lynch's ship is equipped in the script with a 'character name', and there's a rooster on-board for laughs, of which there are few. Horrendously directed by James Goldstone who must have run out of film (or money) judging by the way the movie cuts off abruptly without the luxury of a satisfying final scene.

From the vault of Goldstone's private stock crock. Tune in if you must. My rating: 2 stars for Genevieve Bujold's boobs.... one for each boob.
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Bonanza (1959–1973)
Cow-pie Theater
13 July 2017
This should have been called 'The Lorne Greene Western Hour' because Lorne is the only good actor on the show.

The dudes who play the three sons are all short miscast bad actors who look like they belong on a loading dock somewhere, not starring on a TV show.

Hoss was the big guy with the giant hat, Adam was always dressed in black, and Little Shmo-- I mean Joe, was the little runt who liked to swagger around the town bar trying to impress the women if he could get one of them to give him the time of day.

Lame show; 'Gunsmoke' was so much better than this.
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The Jerk and Mrs. Muir
4 July 2017
A young woman rents a haunted house and meets the dude who happens to be haunting it.

The naval ghost is too caustic which makes him appear unintelligent. This also eliminates any sexual tension or romantic possibilities early in the story. I would rather hear civil conversation between the two principal characters instead of the jerk apparition spitting his cantankerous blabber while the woman willingly undresses in front of the invisible captain.

The film's reputation exceeds its actual appeal, in fact, if this movie were not a member in the category of 'film noir', it most likely would be utterly worthless.
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Genuinely interesting and entertaining
4 June 2017
Director Edward D. Wood, Jr. makes an earnest attempt at a sci-fi story, though this movie is famous for being labeled as the 'worst film ever'.

Aliens arrive on earth in the form of toy flying saucers filled with beings who sport fancy hairdos and shiny blouses. Earthlings must join together to thwart the extra-terrestrials while concomitantly trying to discover why the visitors are here.

Greg Walcott gives a good performance in the role of an airline pilot as does Lyle Talbot as an army general. Also starring wrestler Tor Johnson as a police chief, horror film legend Bela Lugosi as a widower, beautiful vampiress Vampira, and psychic Criswell on hand to deliver an introductory narrative.

Followed by Ed Wood's sequel 'Revenge of the Dead' (1960), later renamed 'Night of the Ghouls' by a videographer whom had nothing to do with either film at the time of their release.
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Sergeant Preston of the Yukon: Relief Train (1956)
Season 1, Episode 22
Yukon Dumbbells Need A Mountie -- And Fast!
2 June 2017
Warning: Spoilers
Criminals hoodwink a town of fools into trading every one of their guns for a minuscule package of grub the size of a baseball.

Once the halfwits in greater township realize they've been taken to the cleaners, they sit around and wait for Sergeant Preston to show up to save their sorry butts, not that they deserve it. Preston (Dick Simmons) bails them out and puts the bad guys behind bars.

These folks renamed their city 'King City' after the dog. I like King, but what the hell did he do in this episode? How about renaming the town Preston City, or how about Idiot Village after the many village idiots who live there.

Dick Simmons is perfect in the role of 'Sgt. Preston'. I love Dick.
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Out on a Limb (1987– )
Better than expected and Shirley is hot
29 May 2017
Not bad docudrama of a very pretty Shirley MacLaine describing her path of awareness.

Some strained romantic interludes - which most women will no doubt find alluring - are included in the movie, but the film is literally interesting once Shirley embarks on her 'journey' to find the meaning of life and all that. I still could never detach myself from the possibility that Shirley is just some bored rich chick who needed something to do, thus she began her little self-discovery thing. Having said that, the flick is okay, save the frustration of her character (herself) tolerating that spooky married British guy (Charlie Dance) when she had a more promising prospect in the enlightened beach bum (John Heard). Anne Jackson tags along as an over-bearing matza ball.

Check it out. There are some clips of Shirley performing on Broadway.
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Excrement: Outhouse of Evil
21 May 2017
2 stars for Amy Holland. Why? Because she's HOT!!! Now for the movie..... it sucked.

Besides the film-maker utilizing the word 'Exorcist' in his rip-off title (he better hope he doesn't get sued), the film has many rip-off elements as well including a young kid (a boy this time) tied to a bed while being possessed, two priests trying to excise the evil spirit in his body, a scary old lady sitting up on a bed, and even a ouija board! Just to keep things ridiculous, there's a guy who appears to be 16 years old playing a "police officer". Ho-hum, so boring. It never ceases to amaze me that people get the opportunity to make a film and this is the only kind of crap they can come up with. Better luck next time.

Movie looks like it was filmed on a weekend at the director's house.
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Fever (1980)
Gaylene Marie is HOT !
7 May 2017
How can any porn film get less than 10 stars?

Gaylene Marie, one of my fave porn actresses, is hot as a bike-riding chick who happens to be at the wrong house at the wrong time. The place gets robbed, but maybe Gaylene is at the right house at the right time because the two stupid thieves want to give it good to Gaylene and she doesn't exactly object. What situation could be better? I've done porn films as an actor in Los Angeles (under a stage name of course) and I would love to do a movie with Gaylene.

Check out Gaylene's other good porn flick called 'Cathouse Fever' where she appears under the name Laverne Shields.
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