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Children of the Grave (2007)
Terrible editing loses any kind of credibility
Anyone watching this movie in the hope of some fascinating insights into the world of the paranormal investigator or perhaps just for a few scares is going to be sorely disappointed.
If the intent of the filmmakers was to convince us that the EVP recordings, photographs and video footage were real they did a very poor job. The editing jumped all over the place, at first I thought it was just going to be like that at the start of the film and then it would get down to the proper investigations, but sadly it continued right up to the last minute.
There was not one moment when I was even vaguely convinced any of the footage was of a real supernatural event, they jump cut so quick you were left feeling like they were trying to hide something, interspersing it with staged footage of little children and dramatic or heavy metal music took you further away from feeling like this was a serious documentary.
If they wanted to make a point they needed to slow down, focus on one happening at a time, show us the footage of things actually happening - not just say something happened.
Overall the whole thing pretty much bored me, there wasn't even a hint that this could actually be a real investigation and at no point did it stay still long enough for you to actually get creeped out.
The Dawn (2006)
A True Waste Of Time
Well I just got done watching this film and all I can say is I wish I hadn't, with little info available about it I knew it was a risky film to watch but who knew it could be this bad?! The acting is quite simply atrocious, the plot and dialogue (when the cast remember the lines) is just awful and minimal in the usual way of teen horror flicks the story is just there to get to the next scary bit....sadly they seemed to have forgotten to put in both a story or any scary scenes.
I honestly can't think of anyone who would like this sort of movie, it has a fair amount of rap music and a largely black cast...but I can't see fans of 'black' cinema or rap music liking it. It's a horror film that won't appeal to hardcore horror fans or those just looking for a cheap thrill. Avoid at all costs.
Wolf Creek (2005)
I was actually bored, yes bored, me who watches any and all horror films as I know they at least usually have something to keep me interested/grossed out/amazed etc.. but this had nothing redeeming about it whatsoever.
For the first 50 minutes nothing happens (yes I was bored enough to go check how long it had been on!) I read a review afterward that said how brilliant it was as you actually start to care for the characters....I disagree totally, half the time I couldn't tell the difference between the two female leads and none of the characters had any definition to make me associate with them. Also according to this review the two females were British...I never noticed. There were no insights into the characters, a couple of lame half-arsed attempts at giving them some depth "oh you two should so get together" and then nothing developed. If you are going to spend two thirds of the movie focusing on the characters before the mayhem ensues you should at least try and develop them a little.
By the time the pace is picked up a little I just didn't give a damn about these people and would quite happily have had them all shot and end the film. It spends waaay too long making obvious factors even more obvious...yes yes we can see this guy has killed before, we got that from the first clue no need to drum it in.
This film could probably get away with a 12 rating in the UK with a few swear words cut out, not that I care much for gore but for a film that the director claimed "I wanted to scare the s**t out of people" it should have at least had something to make you jumpy or nervous or even grossed out...it had none of these.
I have other gripes but that would involve spoilers so I shall leave it for now.
I give it a 3 out of 10, don't bother unless you are suffering from insomnia and looking for a good reason to fall asleep.
The Bride of Frank (1996)
Utter pointless rubbish
Reading other more positive comments you could be forgiven for thinking this trash is comparable with John Waters movies, let me assure other Waters fans who may be persuaded to watch this...It's Not. The only comparison between this and Waters movies is that's its marginally twisted. Thats it. If that was all it took to make a good movie then everyone would be doing it, Waters has a visual style and a wicked sense of humour. The makers of Bride of Frank have no style whatsoever, they seem to have mistaken an old inarticulate person as a source of comedy. Guess what, Frank swears a lot, he's old thats pretty much the whole humour section of the movie. As for the "shocking" murders, I swear I nearly fell asleep, this is so ridiculously bad you can't even be shocked by such things, I'm guessing the blood squirting excessively from severed heads is supposed to be funny, it can be if done right, sadly nothing is done right in this film.
Cup of My Blood (2005)
Creepy on edge horror movie.
The film centres around Jack, a photographer who lost his faith three years ago when his wife went mad and disappeared, without her his talent for art has gone too and he makes a living taking naked pictures of women for a website called 2ndcumming ( a play on words as we discover later). Jack finds himself in possession of the holy grail, which it is believed that any who look upon it will die, however he appears to be immune to it's powers, but nothing is what it seems in this excellent horror/thriller.
The movie is very slow, and is all the better for it, do not expect fast paced action and buckets of blood in this one! The start of the movie reminded me of a Lynch film as the dialogue and actions of the characters is slow and methodical, the whole film has a Lynch like feel to it and moves along as if we are getting nowhere, even the climax of the film is no Hollywood wham bam explosive type ending. The characters in the film all pretty much have something to do with the plot, there are very few incidental characters and the acting whilst a little wooden at times, keeps well in time with the pace of the movie, especially good as it is a cast of unknowns. Clearly influenced by some of the more creepy Japanese horrors that have come out in recent years, this relies heavily on chills and fear to give it it's edge, I was honestly shocked to see such a film coming from America. Throughout the film I was genuinely spooked and on edge, no particular jump out of your seat moments but the atmosphere of the movie keeps you unnerved throughout.
I highly recommend this if you don't mind your films slow and steady, do not expect the pace to pick up to Hollywood action speed at any point, this is a movie about atmosphere and emotion. A good American film for those who prefer the chills of Japanese horror movies and are looking for something a little more then blood and guts.
By The Numbers Thriller
Reading reviews this seemed like an interesting premise, sadly it doesn't manage to pull it off, instead of trying for some originality it decides to throw in as many clichés as possible, right up to the final showdown between cop and killer (One day I'd like to see a killer actually end up in jail!) even stooping to someone getting tripped over during a chase by a trolley in a hospital (what the hell was someone doing pushing that trolley around anyway??? Everyone else was out cold on that floor!) The worst part of the movie is that the identity of the killer is so predictable they may as well have had a big sign slapped to his forehead reading "I AM THE KILLER". The way it was done meant that within 5 minutes of meeting him you know he is going to be the "twist" in the tale.
All the other thriller clichés are present, cop who has had some tragedy in his life and carries a lot of emotional baggage, chief of police announcing "you are off this case, I'm putting xxx and xxx on the job", main characters partner being the one who is injured, thus causing more emotional grief for the lead.
It's plus points are some reasonable uses of supporting characters, there are other cops involved in the case who actually seem to have some clue as to how to be policemen (but of course it's always down to out lead to figure every clue out).
So all in all and interesting idea that just turned out to be another run of the mill Hollywood style thriller. I wonder if someone somewhere has a book called "Thriller Scriptwriting 101" that hasn't been updated in the last 30 years.
The Quest (2006)
Not a documentary, not very good
This is listed as a documentary, it's not, it's filmed sort of like a documentary but that I suspect was just because then they get away with a shaky camera and dodgy filming. This has just been released in the UK on DVD as an "American Pie style comedy" it's not that either.
Basically it follows around a group of teens on spring break as they go to Mexico for cheap booze and with the quest being to get there virgin friend finally laid. Throw is a couple of dwarfs, also on the same sort of quest and you have a non-hilarious tale of drunk teens trying to get some girls.
Considering the 18 Rating this has very little nudity, and practically zero sex scenes, mainly I guess the rating is for swearing of which there is plenty.
If you like crude Jackass behaviour without the humour, then this may be your thing, if you have any brain cells left then I would probably avoid this!
The Descent (2005)
Average at best
Sadly I think I was built up to think this was going to be a good, scary, creepy film. Unfortunately it was none of the above. Whilst I wouldn't go so far as to call it a bad film I can't bring myself to say it was good either.
It certainly has some good moments, but sadly it has a lot of dull moments as well, some people will prefer the pace of the first half of the movie, others like me will prefer it when it picks up a bit in the second half.
I think one problem was having too many characters, none of which we really get to know and therefore care about, I found it hard to care about the fate of these complete strangers. This is particularly odd as, like I mention above, the first half of the movie is very slow moving and should have been used as a chance to really get to know the characters. But to be honest I couldn't tell one character from another throughout the movie. I would have liked the movie better maybe if they had given us 3 or 4 characters and built them up with individual personalities, it seemed to be like they were only 2 different personalities out of all the characters.
The second problem is, well quite frankly it's not scary, not necessarily a major problem for some movies but for a movie that had a small budget, not exactly great acting and a one sentence plot outline, it was obviously relying on being scary to get by. And thats where it falls down, yes there are a few scattered jump moments, but most of them are fake moments if you like. (sort of like the old classic, hear a noise then a cat jumps out type moments) When it actually came to the crunch the bits that should have been scary simply weren't.
Rent this when it comes out if you like potholing, or are looking for a non-scary thriller, but if you are looking for a decent thriller or horror I wouldn't bother.
Pooh's Heffalump Movie (2005)
Annoying as possible!
First of I should point out that I used to love Winnie The Pooh as a child and I really enjoyed The Tigger Movie even though I am in my 20's.
But this movie was so bad I was ashamed to have been a fan in my youth.
OK, OK I know this is a movie for kids and isn't aimed at people like me anyway but this is my thoughts on the movie for other people of my age.
The main downfall in this film is the heffalump itself, it has to be the most annoying character I have seen in a child's movie (possibly even more annoying then the young child in Monsters Inc). It has the most annoying voice and prattles around singing stupid things and making even more stupid comments, I know Pooh movies aren't exactly high brow but this was insulting to even a 2 year old's intelligence!
Secondly - where was the story? Previous Pooh outings had a least a point to the story- yes I can see this was about accepting people who are different to you into your hearts - but really it ended and I felt like I had watched a 5 minute cartoon on kids TV.
I don't have children of my own but when I do I fully intend to show them quality children's movies like The Tigger Movie, Toy Story and Finding Nemo (even though they are too childish for me these days I can see how they would be of great appeal to young children). Not so with this appalling attempt at a movie.
Oh and one more thing - NOT ENOUGH Eeyore! He should have his own movie!