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16 reviews in total 
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7 out of 7 people found the following review useful:
Stunning film, 5 August 2014

I saw A Russian Fairytale at the Mosaic World Film Festival at the weekend, which went on to win best documentary. It was completely gripping from the opening scene with the boy in the psychiatric hospital and leaves you hooked throughout. I was blown away by the end, as I think most of the audience were.

The film is undeniably sad, mainly because you like the characters very much, - gritty, urban, totally unconventional teenagers, living their own life way off the grid of 'normal' society. The way they talk about stealing, begging is so frank, it's sometimes just funny.

By the end of the film you realise all is not how it seems. Those you loved, you mistrust, those you thought were weak, are strong. You realise that this family they set up for themselves on the street is just as bad as the real families they ran away from as children... until the one who is holding it all together escapes and it all falls apart.

Stunning film... photography, visuals, storytelling. 9/10.

Eldorado (2012) (V)
11 out of 15 people found the following review useful:
The. Absolute. Worst. Movie. Ever., 28 April 2013

OK. the back story behind me seeing this film... I lost a bet.

This film was basically used as a form of torture on me, clockwork orange style.. and it worked. I have never witnessed something this awful before in my life. The worst part is, I'd seen it before, under a different name 'Eldorado'... The only saving grace was that they had chopped out an hour of the film before changing the title to Highway to Hell...

However, even after it had 60 minutes chopped, it still felt like 3 hours or more. People who know me and read my reviews realise that I am used to watching the occasional bad film, to try and save everyone else the heartache, but I think this is my last. I really can't take it anymore. I can only compare it to watching roadkill slowly decompose for 3 days.

the reason it gets it's one star is not because you can't give a film 0 stars (which you can't), it's because it does make you realise how precise your time on Earth is, and you're likely to make the most of the rest of your afternoon whilst you frantically try and catch up lost time you'll never ever see again.


14 out of 26 people found the following review useful:
a long student film, 21 November 2012

WOW. This one is up their in my league of the awful ones.. Obviously it has no budget, so I'm not going to criticise the actors or the props.. I'm just going to criticise the fact that this made it to IMDb... I'm flabbergasted. This is basically a REALLY long drawn out STUDENT FILM. If any of you aren't familiar with the 'student film', it's basically a very boring, simple look on life (always life), relationships (always relationships) and a tiny tiny tiny pinch of conflict (not too much to put pressure on the actors!).. Here are the exact ingredients:

•1 annoying looking pretty boy

1 bland looking female 1 gay person (male or female)

1 house (student house will do)

1 camera, a cheap light and shopping trolley to push the camera on.

1 awful scriptwritten on the back of a cereal packet.

Mix together with £50 budget to cover pizzas, 2 days to cover all the scenes and move the lighting around, 2 days to put it on a computer and muddle the scenes around with some free music and an old PC to burn it to disc...

That's it.. student film done. If you're still in any doubt, find this film.

Chop Kick Panda (2011) (V)
18 out of 18 people found the following review useful:
Darrell Van Citters is a genius, 15 August 2012

This film is just awesome and so original! I was shocked nobody had come up with the idea of a 'Kung Fu Panda' before.. the ONLY thing that brought the stars from 10/10 down to 1/10 was the monkey.. he didn't say a word throughout the entire film.. What a let down! I love monkeys and hearing them talk in cartoons usually brings tears of joy to my eyes.

Saying that, everything else was perfect. A panda doing kung fu.. it's the kind of thing Pixar should be doing! It's obviously made on a tramp's shoestring, so to have made a 40 minute film that only sent me to sleep twice, it's just fantastic. Two thumbs up!! - but again, was disappointed about the mute monkey.


9 out of 25 people found the following review useful:
Very funny in parts! But lacks fizz, 9 February 2012

Saw this about 10 months back. It's actually not as bad as you would think. The horse scenes are surprisingly realistic, even though Will - who is excellent at riding horses and speaking Spanish didn't actually ride a real one. I think it's probably studio stuff.

It does lack some kind of fizzy spice I like to see in comedies, I think the script may have been a bit hastily written but it's often like that with old Will. You take the biscuit as it comes, crumbs an all.

Overall if you like a cheap giggle and belly aches (from the popcorn) and want to practice your Espanol - get on your horse and ride down to the local picture house for some yeeeeehaaaa ha ha ha's... (no pun intended).

3 out of 5 people found the following review useful:
The 2nd most awful film ever made, 7 February 2012

You can read my reviews to find the MOST awful. This film was actually watchable in comparison, as long as you're heavily tranquilized.

Firstly I'd like to say a HUGE thank you to the reviewer 'collegefilmreview' (nice try). So this was your first review right? It appears that even though you had time to watch this film twice, you have never had time to write another review.

You must remember Collegefilmreview, that most people do have more than 6 braincells and can see through the audacity of a production member writing a review praising a film of this measly caliber so highly.

In fact it's obvious which person wrote it - the HACKER (Darren Hawkins) - I mean come on.. college chicks begging for a Hawkins fan club? it's just ridiculous...

Anyway, back to the film... AWFUL. no plot, bad acting, bad dubbing, bad sound, bad lighting and camera work. It's not even Funny-Awful as people like in these kind of films.. it's Tiring-Awful, which is the worst kind of Awful. If you like Tiring-Awful then this is the film for you.

Abendland (2011)
7 out of 7 people found the following review useful:
An eyeopening fly on the wall documentary about what's going on around Europe at night, 25 January 2012

I rented this film online without expecting anything. I was surprised that IMDb had no information, reviews or comments regarding this film. The trailer (clip of the film) didn't give away much but I decided to go ahead anyway after reading about the director's previous film. I'm not even sure what the title means, but I think it might have something to do with nightlife, as the whole film is shot at night.

It's showing a glimpse into all walks of life working at night in Europe without any voice over or titles explaining what you're watching. It's like you're spying on the scene and the director gives you a lot of space - still camera shots, wide angle etc to comfortably observe without distracting you or forcing his own opinion on you. This is the truest form of observational documentary.

You find yourself daydreaming whilst watching parts, such as a shot of a hospital room with an incubator which then cuts to a conference room inside the UN where politicians are arguing about what language they can communicate in before discussing EU military operations in the Middle East. It's quite fascinating as you rarely get to sit and watch this kind of thing as if a fly on the wall.

The film continues to intrigue as it moves on into other nighttime activities, - following waitresses around the Oktoberfest (presumably in Munich), paramedics picking up an injured person and taking them to hospital, CCTV security operators in London watching a huge wall of monitors, the news teams in the UK, the mail sorting office, the police doing shooting practice on a blue-screen target, a helpline in the Netherlands, a pornstar doing a webcam show in Prague, a crematoriumin Germany, police evacuating hundreds of protesters stopping a train carrying what could be nuclear material, an immigration officer talking to someone who just got denied entrance and has to go back, security guards patrolling a huge boarder fence in Spain and finally a fantastic steadicam shot through a huge rave...

You're never told where these places are or given any information other than what you see through the lens so you have to make your own judgements about what's going on and where it might be. This sounds frustrating but it makes the film much more interesting.

The location access is impressive and the quality of shots/sound is very good. Although I think this will be mainly appealing to people into documentary/social films, I think it's well worth picking up and leaves you feeling a kind of mix of appreciation and unease of what goes on around Europe whilst you're probably sleeping!

23 out of 29 people found the following review useful:
What on EARTH is this?, 19 January 2012

This is a film that should spark change. Real change in the world of film! It's one of those rare productions that cause a ripple and everyone get's together and says, YES we need change! - and that change is that we need to be able to give a film 0/10!!

You're probably wondering why I let my eyeballs suffer such awful torment for the duration but I am slightly masochistic and I wouldn't want to review a title unless it had been seen in it's (almost) entirety.

I'm not sure where to begin, but I would like to keep my review brief because I've already wasted enough time on this film. Firstly I watched the 3D version.. 3D??? it was barely 1D and the ridiculous glasses just made things look red, which gave me a headache. I must have fallen unconscious for the next hour because I don't remember anything.

The premise of the film is that a club of friends get together to try and work out strange goings on, (they're going for a cross between Scoobie Do and Most Haunted). One of the girls has a birthday and so they all argue a bit and decide to go to a spooky wood called Harrow. According to the computer hacker character, wikipedia states that a witch perished there and made the place haunted.

Then when we get there we find out that it's got a wooden hut and inside is very similar to the haunted hotel in the Shining, complete with blood tidal wave (made with lots of buckets of ketchup). The story doesn't really go anywhere at this point and instead the director starts acting and talking to Ric Mayal in tongues, which is kind of hard to understand because it's quite muffly.

Then it cuts back to the friends who are dead/dying because of the witch's curse. That's it. The End. 0/10

Storm War (2011)
9 out of 23 people found the following review useful:
Missed one vital asset..., 18 January 2012

BOOBS! That's the way bad movies are supposed to work.. We watch their implausible snooze fests and all the adverts in-between in return for some boobs.. This deal has been on since movies began. So how did we get short changed with Weather Wars?..

I sat through this entire thing with my finger on the pause button ready for that special shot and nothing came! I felt ripped off and humiliated, sat in my underpants on a cold January evening. Was anyone else feeling burnt?

At least if the film was decent I would have let it pass, but it wasn't. It had all the ingredients for a boob shot.. bad acting, cute chick, explosions and a horny scientist. So what gives? The closest thing was when the scientist got out his iPhone and I thought he was going to go on some porn sites but instead he started controlling the weather. zzZ. I'm not happy.

1 out of 5 people found the following review useful:
I could have done better using MS Paint, 25 November 2011

Now people who follow my comments on IMDb will know that I can be quite harsh and very honest, but without people like me, thousands of hours of time on this planet would be wasted staring vacantly at the television screen.

I sat through this film in tears. Not because I was moved by the story or had my heart strings pulled by the music.. because 1 million dollars were scribbled on, burnt and ripped to shreds to make this animated car crash.

What was the million dollars spent on? WHO KNOWS! It's completely mysterious at first where the budget went.. The music was awful - it sounded like it was the demo song from a budget synthesizer. Even my cat was terrified by the quality of the music.

The worst part is the narration, by the grey haired guy who plagues our airways at night.. jay Leno. It was just the icing on the cake. The film was dreadful and I hope it will never find it's way back onto my TV in the next 100 years.

The only good thing was when it finished.

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