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Dereksdontrun

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10 reviews in total 
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17 out of 32 people found the following review useful:
***SPOLIER*** WOODY FINALLY DROPS A BOLLO*K - awful awful awful, 1 December 2005
2/10

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

Saw this a couple of nights ago in London and am still in shock how truly bad it is. I'm a huge Allen fan and feel like Star Wars fans must have done when they first saw the Phantom Menace. I think there's a reason it's going down well in France and elsewhere because it's totally laughable to anyone who knows London. It's not Manhattan - we don't all flag cabs (especially if you work in a shop) because it's so damn expensive. And all the scenes set in front of London's most obvious landmarks - Houses of Parliament, the Gherkin etc - give me a break.

But the main problem is the plot - crow barring in an opera's storyline doesn't make it believable. Jeez - we were all laughing at how unconvincing the decision to commit murder was. And then when the ghosts turn up... What the hell...? I think the main problem was the lead actor, although getting saddled with such atrocious dialogue can't have been much fun. On the good side, Scarlett did pretty good. I just hope the next two - TWO! - films Allen's making in London with her are better than this pretentious crap.

And the dreadful dialogue between the cops - what the hell. But the standout moment, when we had the biggest unintentional laugh of the night, was when our anti-hero says, "As Sophocles says..." Maybe people in Manahattan have been feeling like this about Allen's movies for 30 years? I hope not as he's made some of my favourite films.

Right - I'm off for a lie down in my shrink's office...

Shoreditch (2003)
11 out of 13 people found the following review useful:
Truly, madly, deeply useless, 5 September 2003
1/10

Little point going into detail as it is unlikely that Shoreditch will see the light of day. I guess it may surface on TV, by virtue of the fact that Shane "Eastenders" Richie is in it. A true embarrassment for all involved, there is little to redeem this mess. The plot, switching between present day and a 1939 jazz club, is pointless and ludicrous beyond belief. The script is truly terrible, especially the dialogue (did they say "f**k weed" in 1939 London?) and tonally it hasn't got a clue where it's at. Humour (or an attempt at it) in the 2001 scenes, contrasting with the supposed suspense thriller of 1939...

I could go on but I'm losing the will to live just thinking about this woeful movie. Spare a thought for Shane Richie - not only does he suck in the lead role but he also sank half a million quid into it, which is why he is now an indentured serf on Eastenders.

Mama mia... a cautionary tale to all movie investors. If you can't recognise a script like this as a total stinker then get out of the business!

The Mother (2003)
7 out of 9 people found the following review useful:
Astoundingly good, 2 September 2003
10/10

Wow. Saw this last night and I'm still reeling from how good it was. Every character felt so real (although most of them petty, selfish a**holes) and the bizarre story - middle aged widow starts shagging her daughter's feckless boyfriend - felt utterly convincing. Top performances all round but hats off to Anne Reid and Our Friends in the North's Daniel Craig (the latter coming across as the next David Thewlis).

And director Roger Michell? This is as far from Notting Hill as it's possible to be. Thank God.

Watch this movie!!!

2 out of 2 people found the following review useful:
Pretty darned good but..., 29 August 2003
8/10

...not as good as Fellowship. Loved Smeagol - more expressive than most of the human actors in the film. But I was reminded of watching the Baski animated version - this section of the saga suffers from cutting between gripping stuff and tedious stuff, especially Merry and Pippin on bloody boring Treebeard. Loved the addition of the warg attack but it did have the effect of making Middle Earth seem tiny and, if Saruman's forces could reach Rohan so quickly then why didn't he head straight for Helm's Deep and stop them getting in? Eh?

Also, the battle left me cold. Compared to Boromir's last stand, all these computer-generated t**ts running about were just unconvincing. And why is Gimli nothing but clumsy comic relief? All that 'toss me' stuff - terrible.

But, by far the worst crime here is Legolas skateboarding down the steps. I expected Huey Lewis and the News to kick in.

That aside, I will watch the DVD over and over but I'm hoping the extended version, as with Fellowship of the Ring, will iron out the pacing problems and give us more character study to balance the action.

Kingdom (2001)
2 out of 4 people found the following review useful:
Don't Put Yourself Through This, 20 August 2003
1/10

It's truly awful. Not just low-budget awful but real mind-crushingly BAD in every way. And the worst thing is they're selling them online as a 'family' movie. Kids won't watch this in a million years. It's ponderous and so slow moving. Save your money.

0 out of 1 people found the following review useful:
Great premise, well realised, 14 August 2003
7/10

Saw this last night (in a totally sold-out cinema in London's Covent Garden) and was completely won over. A very simple premise - very pro-communism East Berliner falls into a coma and misses the fall of the Berlin Wall and, on waking, her son decides to let her keep thinking that nothing has changed - is used to explore all sorts of things. Parallels with the old regime are apparent - set up out of a desire to do good, he becomes trapped in a spiral of lies to perpetuate his initial deception. Ironically, his fictional DDR is a nicer country in which to live than it was in reality.

Capitalism doesn't come off well, either, as we watch drab utilitarianism replaced by gaudy but equally soulless consumerism.

All in all, a thought-provoking movie and, more importantly one that makes you laugh, especially his fake government propaganda.

"I shot it in the head. With a homemade harpoon gun.", 13 August 2003

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

Like it's predecessor, I found Jeepers Creepers 2 enjoyable for the first 40 minutes and even found the Creeper a better bad guy (the fact that he was driving that stupid truck was pretty much where the first movie lost me). Dialogue starts off snappy and the horror genre gets subtly subverted (a gay hero and black guys that don't get killed first?) but, as before, writer/director Salva just goes and spunks all the promise away. By the time we're down to really dumb stuff involving psychic cheerleaders and lots of unimaginative deaths, I was way past caring for anybody. And [SPOILER ALERT] the flash forward to 23 years later was the final straw - crap.

Iris (2001/I)
1 out of 2 people found the following review useful:
Way overrated, 13 August 2003
5/10

While Judi Dench, Jim Broadbent and Kate Winslet are all as fantastic as ever, the film as a whole was a pointless squandering of a fascinating true story. Having seen a BBC documentary about Murdoch's life I was amazed of some of the things the filmmakers chose to leave out - like the fact that Murdoch did actually start to think the characters of her novel were real people. How good would that blurring of reality/fiction have been in a movie? A waste of everybody's time including, criminally, mine.

Revelation (2001)
6 out of 12 people found the following review useful:
A miraculously bad movie - I love it., 13 August 2003
1/10

Saw this at a press screening and thoroughly enjoyed myself. Can't remember ever being in an audience that was laughing as much as this. Brings tears to my eyes now just thinking about poor Celia Imrie's death scene (that squeak!) or Derek Jacobi getting tied up with rubber gloves. How the hell did this get made?

The real puzzle is that director Stuart Urban was behind the greatest British TV series of the 1990's - Our Friends in the North. I guess he just shoots whatever script he's given good or bad.

Honestly, Revelation is soooo very very bad that I might even buy a copy of it to watch when I'm stoned. Hilarious.

1 out of 4 people found the following review useful:
Jimmy Stewart is God..., 13 August 2003
10/10

What a film. I came to this film late partly, I guess, because I was under the impression it was OTT Hollywood schmaltz - the "Happy Christmas everybody!" running through the streets is the bit they always show. But the way George's life unravels and his ambitions are thwarted at every turn breaks my heart everytime. The speech (which Stewart did in one take) in which he shouts "I don't want plastics!" gets me crying (a bit) every time.

First time I saw this movie was at the Hyde Park cinema in Leeds, England (Gawd bless it) and I was blown away. I came out into the afternoon sunshine in an amazing mood - full of the joys of life - and bumped into some friends who had been fellow volunteers during a short stint I spent working with Bosnian Muslim refugees from the then on-going war in former Yugoslavia. The film: Welcome to Sarajevo. I decided to acompany them.

Two hours of reliving bad memories and being reminded of the truly horrific stuff that I was lucky enough not to see saw my euphoric mood in tatters.

The most bizarre double-bill ever. The SHOWING TODAY board outside the cinema might as well have read "It's a Wonderful Life" and then, underneath, "Oh no it isn't".

Still, thank God for Jimmy Stewart.