Reviews written by registered user
|207 reviews in total|
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
Folks, welcome to amateur hour. How anybody who read this script,
worked on set or even served tea at the cafeteria kept a straight face
is beyond me. You could fill volumes of the Encyclopedia Britainnica
listing the myriad of faults here, but let me have a stab:
1. There is a nightclub that plays the same two rubbish house tunes throughout, but no-one inside complains, in fact they all dance EXACTLY the same way. Often, there are large stretches with no dialogue, just the camera panning around this dive and somehow always ending up focusing on a blonde girl. Did she sleep with the director to get so much attention?
2. The thrust of the plot is of this dude owing money to some boss man, who must be the least intimidating heavy ever. Look at him on the front cover, with his little short arse and the constipated expression on his face. Yet somehow, instead of crushing him underfoot, everyone is terrified of him. Did the 6ft 5 ex-boxer fail to turn up to auditions, so they were forced to use this hobbit?
3. There is a scene here when the dude that owes money returns to his flat to find they've smashed up one of his rooms, including sprayed graffiti on the wall (OHH NOO)!! His wheelchair bound mother stumbles on the wreckage first, when she promptly has a heart attack. We then see him again later on in the same room, holding onto a shard of glass until blood drips down his hand. This might not sound like much, but the way it unfurls on screen is absolutely hilarious, especially with the 'tragic' music in the background.
4. The dude that owes money works at a generic store. To get the dosh, he decides to rob the safe. He enlists the help of his mate who works at the aforementioned nightclub, who says no. Later on, his mate has a change of heart, and turns up just as the dude's robbery is going belly-up. His mate grabs the gun to let the dude escape, and when the police turn up, pretends he was the one who committed the offense. This is seen as a 'noble sacrifice' in the context of the film. Only problem is, EVERYONE in the store has already seen the dude waving the gun around, so he has no chance of getting away with it. OOPS.
5. Danny John-Jules? SERIOUSLY? You couldn't wait a year to start making the new series of Red Dwarf? You had to embarrass yourself, your family, your pets etc till the end of time by agreeing to star in this atrocity? For Shame. FOR SHAME.
Basically, it would have been a lot better if everyone had gone home, the script was thrown in the nearest furnace and the £500 budget was donated to charidee. After all, it's not too long to Children In Need... 1/10
Yay, just what the world was waiting for.. the first grime musical!!
Yes, you heard it right.. the actors regularly break into profanity
laden raps (complete with backing track) about how much they hate
others and the variety of ways they're going to kill their enemies, and
I have it say it works quite well. Apparently the cast wrote their own
lyrics too, which makes it doubly impressive.
Less certain however, is the acting, which ranges from reasonable to just plain diabolical. I supposed that's what you get when you hire non-professional stars for 'authenticity'. Also, the movie is just one big chase sequence after the first quarter of an hour, with bizarre comedic asides involving Flash's three bitchy baby mothers and his senile but domineering granny.
It's completely unbelievable in every aspect, but somehow fun.. to a point. After the umpteenth foul-mouthed musical interlude, and yet another scene of Flash running from his pursuers, things get a little tiresome. They try to show some social realism as well, like a homeless young boy who has to steal for a living because his mum spends all her time at the local crack house, but this just comes over as window dressing.
I have a feeling that it will be fully appreciated by those who share the same music tastes as the participants, or supporters of yoof cinema who think the current crop are just too sanitised. Otherwise, it's just like an extended, after-the-watershed episode of Eastenders, with a dash of Dizzee Rascal (before his pop career started) thrown in for good measure. Does that sound like fun? If so, take a look. 5/10
From the director of Kidulthood comes a shaggy dog story that seems to
go on forever: Each girl has her little segment over the same time
period before their stories meet up at the end. There are some
ingenious touches here and there, but this is certainly a lot less
clever than it thinks it is. None of the individual parts rises above
the mediocre, and most will bore you before the end with the unpleasant
characters and the overuse of street slang.
Note to the writer: throwing in gratuitous sex scenes might be a good diversion, but it can't distract us if the plot is poor and the performances aren't up to standard. It's also slightly ironic how this supposed celebration of 'girl power' is probably one of the most sexist films I've seen in it's depiction of women as either dumb bimbos or sex obsessed lesbians. It's perfectly watchable, but I can't help thinking there are better movies on TV right now, more deserving of your time.. 5/10
This got absolutely slated on release, and even Sandra Bullock who
plays the eponymous heroine appears to have disowned it now. It's not
THAT bad. But it is pretty bad. Her stalker character is certainly an
original creation with her non-stop perkiness, kooky fashion sense and
random bursts of trivia she dishes out from the many puzzles she's
created. Only problem is, she gets more annoying as the movie unfurls,
and the saccharine ending feting this social retard as some kind of
heroine is a huge misstep.
The supporting cast is better, with Bradley Cooper appropriately perplexed as the object of her affection and Ken Jeong also impressing as the most sensible member of the CCN crew. Best of though, is Thomas Haden Church as the pampered, ego driven newsreader, he has a lot of fun playing this washed up slimeball and comes out with all the best lines. Alas, whenever Ms Bullock is on screen, flapping her arms about and generally trying to be the centre of attention, all the focus is on her and the film suffers. I would have much rather left her annoying persona out of the entire script and just concentrated it on the back-biting, petty arguments between these three guys. But seeing as she's one of the producers, that would've been impossible, wouldn't it?
Anyway, the odd bright spot doesn't make up the endless, mindless prattling we're subjected to by a certain leading lady, which is supposed to be witty and charming but actually makes you want to choke her with her own red boots. So I'd take a pass on this film if I were you, and head down the Post Office where you can more or less get the same thing from the old dears in the queue. And it won't cost you the price of a rental. 4/10
Any film that thinks we would rather see a montage of a girl preparing breakfast rather than seeing her making sweet love with her husband has got a LOT of problems. But that's the least you have the worry about in this dismal 'horror' effort, which also boasts inappropriate comical music throughout and has a monster so realistic you can almost see the strings attached. I don't need to tell you how bad the acting is and boring the proceedings are until a few non-shocking gore scenes at the end.. but I will anyway.It's dire in every aspect, a completely worthless piece of trash that's wasted the lives of everybody involved with it, and will waste yours too if you let it. So a perfect candidate for prime-time showing on the high class (Yeah, right) Horror Channel here in the UK!! 0/10
No reviews for this yet? There must be a lot of lucky people out there,
then. I supposes it's up to me to warn them the general public about
another straight to DVD piece of crap. *Cracks knuckles* Okay, sounds
like a sexy set-up, doesn't it? A guy takes his pretty fiancée to Spain
to meet his gangsta father, but before they can see each other she ends
up getting drugged and abducted in a seedy night-club. Then, she is
spirited away to a yacht belonging to a perverted Muslim (Why is it
never a Jew or a Christian?) where they intend to use her as a sex
slave. Her distraught beau can't get any assistance from his criminal
papa, so he teams up with a hairy trailer trash bloke who's sister was
similarly kidnapped by these traffickers, to storm the boat and recover
his gal. However, daddy has a change of heart later on, which leads to
complications and tragedy..
Okay, now let me stop you right there. Now, looking at the description above, you're probably imagining all manner of seedy goings on, ain't ya? Well sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but what perversions occur in this movie are fragmented at best, and are so laughably depicted you're more likely to be in hysterics rather than getting off to them. Yes, the director actually expects us to give a hill o' beans about this stupid thriller plot, which has been done a hundred times before and a hell of a lot better than here. In the sparse 80 minute running time we see plenty of the main character running around like a loon for 90% of the length, then we get the final bloody climax and BANG it's over. I was so engrossed I almost turned over in my sleep.
One of these days they'll make an uncompromising dramatic film where they will possibly go all the way in explaining just what WOULD happen to a pretty white girl if she was captured in another country and forced into prostitution. Until then, we'll have to made do with this fantasy version of fat blokes in colourful shirts and impossibly beautiful models where they combine it with a cheap action movie script and end up with.. not much at all. BORING. Oh and next time, get a cast that can act, will you? 2/10
Come and sit by my campfire lads and lasses. Take a load off. Let me
terrify and tantalise you with my tales. No, not of demons and ghouls
and zombies, but how horrible a film can be on a 4 for £1 disc. This
film in question is called Campfire Stories and like Creepshow and it's
ilk, has three segments of 'scary' horror with a back-ended plot, in
this case being of two young men suddenly getting a flat tyre on a road
in the middle of nowhere at night when almost running over a girl who
is having similar motoring difficulties. Together, the three sitting
ducks try to find help in the surrounding woods.. and stumble across me
and my charming little blaze!! Now at this point you may think you're
in line for some terrifying tales of nastiness and woe, but you
couldn't be more wrong!! The real horror is in how pathetically low
budget each one is, and the dreadful acting will scare you out of your
wits!! Because I like to be methodical, lets take each one at a time..
Part 1: A mad dude in an asylum murders the head doctor and his nurse after a lot of mistreatment. Flash forward 20 years later, said psycho is now working at a caretaker at a school. Unfortunately a bunch of youths push him too hard, and when they go hunting him in the forest, Rambo has nothing on this guy's resourcefulness!! Apart from the visceral pleasure of seeing a bunch of jock a**holes get their just desserts, the predictable chase scenes and the cheesy blood-letting make this an instant flop. The killer is LAME too. 2/10
Part 2: This is the best of the lot, though that's like saying drowning is preferable to being buried alive. Three kids on the run from the law for murdering a couple of pensioners spot an Indian in a cafe, follow him back to his trailer and kill him too.. just for his top class ganja. While smoking it though, they start to see some very weird hallucinations, and a transformation is about to take place.. The 'highlight' of this short film-within-a-film is seeing some truly awful PS1 quality special effects of a computer generated wolf and some snakes. Apart from that, it's the same old crap part deux, though the ending is a good idea which could have been scary if it was handled right.. Guess what? It isn't. 3/10
Part 3: Last but not least (that would be part 1) four teens go to a house for a night of debauchery. The guys wanna get drunk and have sex, the gals are looking for revenge for some perceived misdemeanor. And there's a strange deputy hanging outside with the IQ of a walnut. What is going to happen? Well I won't spoil things for you, but sufficed to say the person you THINK is the killer isn't the killer and the murders only take place in the last five minutes. Before then you'll have to tolerate the slowest build up since World War II, and a lesbian kiss which is a fake as plastic doggy-doo. So much for the grand finale. 2/10
So that's it, apart from the conclusion to the bookended plot which is too stupid to even dignify with a comment. No serious gore, no nudity, no surprises, not even a teeny weeny sliver of camp value. Just a gigantic waste of time, all perpetrated by yours truly. You see, I made this film.. and I did it as bad as I could as an experiment to see how many punters would snap it up without reading reviews or asking their friend's advice first. Gullibility wins every time!! Now I know I can churn out as many crappy horror films as I want, safe in the knowledge that I will make a huge profit regardless of their awfulness!! Sleep tight y'all.. HA Ha ha ha ha.. *laughter fades to echo* 2/10
A chick walks around naked for ages. That's all you need to know about
Okay.. I've just find out I have to write more for the review to be published so here goes.. apparently, vampires don't have fangs. They literally suck the life out of you by using ropey special effects and leave you as a bad puppet before you shatter into snuff. Wow, forget Tru Blood and Twilight man.. this is where it's at!! And they're born in space, live in incubators until our unsuspecting spacecrafts pick them up and take them back to Earth. This is a brilliant new take on Bram Stoker's classic novel, and not a hodge-podge of ideas messily constructed into a lacklustre screenplay at all!!
And all this was filmed in good old Blighty. Brings a tear to the eye, that does. You can keep your Star Wars, Star Trek and Troll II's, this is where filmmaking is REALLY at!! Homegrown productions like this, Breeders and Alien Blood, show the Yanks where we REALLY are as a film industry!! See them quaking in their boots as we show off the rich variety of cheesy overacting, the cornucopia of Oscar-worthy gurning and the brilliance of the stilted dialogue!! And check out Patrick Stewart in his star-making role, as a baldy doctor taken over by the creature. His years of stage acting mean NOTHING, THIS part is what got him onboard the U.S.S Enterprise.
A classic waiting to be rediscovered. Once you watch it, you'll never see the world in quite the same again. 2/10
It's hard to figure out why anybody thought this was a story worth
writing down, let alone filming. Let me get this straight: you're
annoyed at your sister not helping you out after her friends jump on
you in the snow, you're sick of your mom neglecting you because she's
spending time with her new bf and you certainly don't want frozen corn
for tea. So whaddya do? Why, you trample slush all over your sibling's
room, you bite your mom on the shoulder and then you run away from home
in an animal suit complete with tail. RRiigghhtt.. Wait, I haven't got
to the best part. You find a boat, and you set sail for a MYSTERIOUS
LAND, full of strange creatures which oddly enough, look like Fraggle
Rock rejects. Because that's exactly what they are. Anyway, you elect
yourself their king, and being the simple, gullible beasts they are,
they go along with it.
During your reign, you will instigate THE RUMPUS which is basically leaping up and down making a lot of noise, THE PILE UP where everybody jumps on top of each other before falling asleep in a heap and THE GREAT CLOD FIGHT which entails two groups of people, the baddies and the goodies, throwing hunks of dirt at each other. Among your subjects are Anthropomorphic birds, goats and buffalo, not to mention two weird owls and a huge 'dog' that roams the desert. You decide to build a fort that the whole community can live together in, and things start going very well. But soon in-fighting breaks out, arms get pulled off and your once loyal followers want to eat you.. forcing a hasty retreat into a friendly beastie's tummy..
I am not making this up. The closest movie I can compare this too was The Neverending Story which was also about a young fella-me-lad getting involved in a fantasy world while changing it. That however, had a over-riding story where you genuinely thought things were at stake. This, on the other hand, is just a serious of random events where stuff happens, with charmless characters and stupid dialogue to boot. It's original, I'll give it that, but what's the point if the movie is far more weird than interesting? As the underwhelming ending faded out and the credits rolled, I was trying to think who it would appeal to. Kids? Furries? Zoophiliacs?! Who knows? All I know is I am plopping the DVD Where The Auction Things are. 4/10.
Well, usually I give a plot outline in this section, but considering
the fact that I didn't know myself what the hell was going on myself,
I'll try to be as concise as possible. A group of losers find an
abandoned child, who can help them predict results while gambling, thus
making them a lot of money. The local Russian(?) gangster doesn't like
this (more on him later) and tries to get the little blighter. Then we
have a stupid cafe worker who suddenly decides an old drunk she meets
is her son, a priest who dances in his church when he is all alone, A
black guy called Roadrunner(!) who.. runs everywhere and.. ARRGH I GIVE
Populated exclusively be people with stupid accents and with one of the most incoherent stories I have ever seen, it is unbelievable that this film ever got made. All throughout I was thinking to myself: What was the point in THAT scene? Why am I watching these boring people? Why is this such pretentious drivel? What's with the portentous narration? In the end I just gave up and started to play Literati on the Internet, leaving the film on so I could write this review having claimed I had watched it.. but my God, it was painful just to LISTEN to it. Repeat this film on a loop in Guantanamo bay, and I guarantee you'll be up to your neck in radical Muslims making confessions, whether they're guilty or not.
I must give a special mention to the obese gentleman who plays the foreign Ruskie mobster. Simply put, the delivers the WORST performance I have ever seen in the thousands of films I have watched. That ain't hyperbole. To look at him is to hate him. To hear him is to hate him. Heck, even his tan is fake. I sincerely hope that if he ever decides to act again, someone close to him will politely but firmly remind him what a fool he made of himself here and tell him to forget it. If he still won't listen to reason, drug him. Lock him up. Break his legs if needs be, but don't let him anywhere near a camera again. Please.
Oh yeah, I almost forgot.. What a terrible, terrible movie. 0/10
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