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Rupintojelis (2022)
My new favorite slasher.
Look, I'm a horror fan, and if you are going to watch this film, you certainly are, too. And I absolutely LOVED this film.
Sure, it's a story about partying teenagers who transgress in the woods and then get picked off by a masked stranger. That's not "lack of innovation", that's a SUBGENRE, which this film totally nails.
Yes, it's not until the halfway point that "the action" begins. But I consider that a pro not a con. I actually enjoyed getting to know the characters, who despite being high school archtypes, are more real and fleshed out than their counterparts in American films, whom often seem as though they are designed for us to detest them so that we don't feel as bad when they are killed.
And the movie makes up for the lost time in the second half.
I appreciate that the characters act in ways that seem appropriate to who they are, rather than just in ways that will further the plot. That was accomplished by giving us time to know who they were.
I also loved the fact that the killer didn't simply skulk about in the shadows picking victims off one by one; he was NOT afraid to mix it up! While he was certainly...effective, he was not superhuman.
If you don't like this film, you either don't like slashers or you are too jaded to appreciate them any longer.
Easter Bunny Massacre (2021)
20 Positive Things About "Easter Bunny Massacre"
I decided to pose myself the challenge of finding good things to say about this quality-challenged film.
1. The Obnoxious Young People Having A Drug-Fueled Bacchanal montage is mercifully brief.
2. Heather dies first, and within 10 minutes of the start. This improves the film enormously thenceforth.
3. They burn her animal-print dress. It's an example more people should follow.
4. It's nice to know that stuntmen keep themselves busy with projects like this between real jobs, giving themselves the opportunity to practice talking out loud, which clearly they need desperately.
5. When they decide to bury their friend's body and burn all the related evidence of her death, they also mark her grave with a big cross strewn with her jewelry, which is sweetly sentimental, if not conducive to covering up the murder.
6. The Luring Everyone Back to the Scene of Their Crime starts before even 13 minutes have elapsed so... points for efficiency.
7. If these characters can get into "uni" (which I think means "college") even though they are clearly 30 and shockingly dense, then this is a very hopeful movie, indeed.
8. This movie can currently be watched only as free-view, meaning there a plenty of commercials to give you a break from its effects.
9. There's an egg hunt with all of them running around finding rhyming Riddler-clues like they are the Scooby Gang. That's fun.
10. It's nice to know that if I invited a bunch of people to a country weekend to pick them off one by one, none of them will think to inquire who rented the house they are staying at. I found that very comforting.
11. You learn that you can take plus-ones to a woodsy weekend where your murder victim has invited all your co-conspirators to meet their comeuppance. AND they can bring their sparkly formal evening dresses. Who knew?
12. It's got a Rashomon sequence. And who doesn't enjoy those?
13. "I think I'd know whether or not I was a virgin, NEIL." is truly one of cinema's most authoritative comebacks.
14. It's comforting to know that no matter how unpleasant a person you are, you will still have enough friends to go on a retreat in the woods with you, and cover up your murder, if necessary.
15. They really do work the holiday theme. Lots of cute Easter decorations (that spell out MURDERER).
16. Nobody other than Heather dies for A VERY LONG TIME so you have lots of time to get to know the other characters (without suspecting any of them, because obviously not of them are smart enough to pull the whole set up off, or even spell "MURDERER").
17. If you are a fan of the Sims 4, this movie is the closest you can get to watching the in-game horror film "Midnight Massacre III", just like the Sims do.
18. Learning that if you need to pour boiling chocolate on someone's face from one story up they will just stand there and take it is very empowering for a viewer.
19. No snide joke here: there is one kill that is ... QUITE sudden and unpredictable. That was a pleasant surprise.
20. There's a gay character; that's good, that's modern. But that's A Secret That Must Be Kept; that's neither good, nor modern.
21. BONUS: I didn't even have to watch a full hour of the film to come up with 20 things!!!
The Indian Fighter (1955)
Sloppy, sloppy, sloppy
How many millions of dollars and thousands of people's work went into this film? And yet somehow no one notices that it's 1870 and the Army band is playing a song written 1896 by John Phillip Sousa? How can so many film professionals be that ignorant?
Well, at least the tribal Indians are treated with respect (at least for a film can "The Indian Fighter")... that is except for the female Indians. But that's 1955 sexism, not American racism.
The other irritating anachronism is Walter Matthau, who sticks out like a sore thumb in this Western, playing a character even more reprehensible than his usual reprehensible character.
Douglas is good, of course, but his character "ain't fit for marriage" in his own words, and that's an understatement.
Deep Hatred (2022)
AI writes "Goofus & Gallant: The Horror Movie"
Let's start with something positive: the film looks good and the cinematography is more than competent. That said...
The actors are not to blame, especially given the terrible characters and dialog they were given, for "Deep Hatred", A more appropriate title would have been "Goofus & Gallant: The Horror Movie"
Gallant fixes the flat tire while Goofus flirts with his girlfriend.
Gallant & GF worry about the moldy smell of the house while Goofus & GF jump into a clean-as-whistle pool at an abandoned house.
Gallant hugs his girlfriend while Goofus has sex in the pool.
Gallant cleans the house while Goofus has sex with his GF.
Gallant investigations the spookiness of the house while Goofus surreptitiously and salaciously snaps pool pics of Gallant's GF (who is Goofus' childhood friend).
Gallant's GF is blonde and wears white while Goofus's GF is raven-haired and wears black (and talks FOREIGN-y!).
Gallant has brought a ring with which to propose to his not-longtime GF, while Goofus derides the ring and his intention, unaware that HIS long-time girlfriend has decided HE is overdue to propose.
Somewhere during all of this, the Elder Couple visits and gives them a Mysterious Warning not to go out at night (close up on hedonistic couple). "What do you mean?" -- "Bye, kids!"
There are spooky stickman not-scarecrows all about, giving the impression they are at The Blair Witch's summer place.
Wait, was that something in the bathroom mirror behind her?! Is there a person under those crumpled bedsheets? Does The Water contain Evil?
There's more, but you get the idea. If AIs start being used to write horror movies, films like "Deep Hatred" will be the cause, since it already seemed composed entirely of algorithmically compiled tropes.
Project Almanac (2015)
"Each cast member learned their lines in 5 days."
The trivia says "Each cast member learned their lines in 5 days." That is easily the most believable thing about the film.
I made it through almost 50 minutes and then caved (and I've watched "Wavelength" (1968) TWICE so my ability to stick it out is pretty strong). I could bear all the painful tropes; The Sassy Unattainable Girl With the Awesome Car Who Becomes Part of the Gang, the Smart Kid Crippled by Money Problems, the Disappearing Dad, the Smart-Mouth Sister, the Indistinguishable Tech Twins, the Found Footage Facade, the Let's ALL Do the Dangerous Experiment on Ourselves, even Dad Left Me A Time Machine in the Basement. But I couldn't make it all the way to Using Time Travel for Frivolous Ends Because We're Teenagers, because I simply couldn't bear the sugar-driven double-talk mumblecore that actually powers the film.
If could go back in time I would not go to Loolapalooza but I would definitely stop myself from watching this film.
Batman: The Scheme Is Sound (2019)
Restored my faith in children
It's exactly what it appears to be: a pitch-perfect "new" episode of the Batman '66 show, that just happens to feature an all-child cast.
I really can't imagine how or why this happened, but I'm delighted it did. The editing is stellar, the plot is solid and appropriate, the pacing unflagging, and the tone is, as mentioned, pitch-perfect to the original show. And the costuming and props--well, no spoilers, but if you're anything like me, you be impressed, pleased, and possibly amazed.
The actors do a good job with staging and maintaining a consistent tone. Particular stand-outs include (Collin Cummins) Robin and Chief O'Hara (Judah Martin) and I predict that Josiah Hamby (the Riddler) will be a star some day, if he wants.
The innovation of goons who SING along with a villain's theme song is sheer genius.
For some odd reason, the YouTube upload of the video has only 91 likes; it deserves a million more, at least.
Who's Watching Oliver (2017)
Who's watching Oliver? No one who reads my review, I hope.
I has steeled myself for a "difficult watch" when I turned on this film. It was certainly THAT, but not in the way I expected.
Tediously artificial, unrealistic, and stagey from the get-go, it was a "difficult watch" not because of any unpleasantly graphic violence but because it's so amateurish. I barely got through the cutesy, twee "look how innocent and goofy our soon-to-be-monstrous protagonist seems" opening, with its blaring quirky music a la Wes Anderson. It was a greater torture than the rape scenes.
And as for graphic violence..."Shocking"? Not with such cartoonish characters it isn't. It felt more like an Almodovar parody. This idea was far beyond the talent of those attempting to pull it off, I'm afraid. Steer clear.
Flesh Is Heir To (2020)
Truly astonishing
It impressed me in this respect: this movie packed more "terrible" into its two-minute trailer than most terrible movies can accomplish in two hours.
And I was barely able to make it through both minutes. My hat is off to anyone who survives 81 of them about this film noir feminist physicist and her bohunk detective sidekick.
At least Adam Braunstein and Brandon J. Shaw are easy to look at.
The Stairs (2021)
When bad movies happen to good actors
The beginning segment in 1997 was a fine start (even though they seemed set on making the character of One Good Actor, John Schneider, unlikeable), and I set to watch this rest. That good will was obliterated over the next 30 minutes by that bane of modern horror: the cast of unlikeable victim with unnatural behaviors. Unbearable in some cases. I wasn't able to last until the reappearance of The Stairs; perhaps you will and will get to see what horror befalls this unpleasant group. But for me it wasn't worth the horror of their continued presence.
Art of the Dead (2019)
This film is the 8th sin.
Such a great concept; such a sinfully bad execution. A "Goosebumps" aesthetic with acting worse than a blind table read by 8th graders. Forget the paintings; it was this film that was the work of the devil.
The Living and the Dead (2016)
Perfectly spooky
A dead-on spooky tale mixing ghosts of the week, with several bubbling long-term mysteries, including somethings I've just never seen before. I unhesitatingly recommend it.