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Grotesque (1988)
Some Good Idea Get Lost, 21 October 2014

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

So this is some kind of slasher flick right? Well actually no. It's more of a home invasion flick meets a rape revenge flick without the revenge.

I'm only writing this review because there are some clever ideas here which get lost due to meaningless scenes irrelevant to the plot. The story should have spent much more time building clues to the reveal.

The plot: Linda Blair and her best friend travel to a small town for a relaxing weekend with Blair's parents. Why do we spend 20 minutes getting to know Blair and her friend as they travel? NO REASON at all! In fact Blair and her friend are not even the heroines. Their characters are simply more victims.

Blair's parents are actually developed more as characters! Mr. Blair is a life long want to be gore FX man. He's never actually worked in Hollywood, he just does it as a hobby. He's spent his whole life playing elaborate pranks on his wife and daughter. As I said, Mr. and Mrs. Blair are developed more as characters than Blair herself.

That night a gang of stereotypical 80s hair metal punks invades the Blair home under in inexplicable theory that the Blair family is rich. They're not. Mr. and Mrs. Blair are beaten to death with random household objects. That's right, the robbers aren't even armed with switch blades.

The murders are being observed by a deformed man. (the first we've seen of him) Is he friend or foe? Well since he does begin attacking the gang he must be OK.

The mutant's sudden appearance leads to a clumsy chase into the woods with the gang chasing Blair into the snow while at the same time fleeing the mutant.

"We need to split up." says the gang's leader, and we can see where this is going. This way the one unarmed man can kill the four of them rather than the four of them simply standing together. The deformed man isn't some giant hulking mass. He's just some deformed guy unable to speak.

By daylight a unit of rangers arrives on the scene. Why? No one's called the police, there hasn't been a gun shot and no one's gone missing yet.

The police shoot and killed the deformed man, despite the fact he's unarmed and hasn't shown any signs of violence in front of them, over the objections of a civilian.

Blair is left in a coma and the surviving gang leader and his girlfriend blame the Blair family murders on the mutant.

What about Blair's friend? What about her? I rewatched this part three times. She just disappears from the film altogether at the house! Presumably she was also murdered?

At the police station they're unable to charge the gang since the sheriff explains, "In a court of law you still need evidence." So their fingerprints all over the house and one the murder weapons isn't enough?

The sheriff also questions the civilian whom turns out to be Uncle Blair. Who's never been introduced. "Why didn't you want us to shoot that man?" Maybe because he was an innocent unarmed man!!!

Immediately after the gang's release Uncle Blair kidnaps them and brings them back to the house, which hasn't been sealed off as a crime scene!!!! There isn't even police tape!!! Instead Uncle Blair reveals himself as a plastic surgeon who's set up an operating room (in the middle of a crime scene).

SPOILER WARNING! The big reveal is that Uncle Blair himself is deformed. His brother used his FX talents to made him a mask to pass as normal. The mutant was his retarded and deformed son. "I didn't have the heart to put him away. So my brother and his wife agreed to hide him for me." So locking his son away from the world and hiding him as a shameful secret was more loving than simply having him live in a home for the retarded? Thanks dad!

Predictably Uncle Blair uses his plastic surgery skills to deform the gang and then locks them away in the same space inside the house where his retarded son was imprisoned. What about getting revenge on the cops whom actually murdered his son in cold blood?

But there's a problem in the projection both. That's right, the film brakes the fourth wall because Frankenstein's monster and the wolfman didn't like the way the movie portrayed them. Yeah... that's the ending.

So as I said, there are some interesting elements here like the deformed plastic surgeon getting revenge by deforming the gang but it all gets lost.

Why do we spend 20 minutes focusing on Blair's character if she's just going to be another victim? Why do they do a great job building up Mr. and Mrs. Blair's characters only to quickly kill them off? And Uncle Blair is a Johnny come lately.

Gouge Your Eyes Out Bad, 19 October 2014

'Black Devil Doll From Hell', 'Tales From the Quadead Zone,' 'Nudist Colony of the Dead' (the musical) 'Gandi To Hitler' (the musical) 'Horrifying Experiments of the S.S.'s Last Days' 'Gestapo's Last Orgy' 'Porno Holocaust' 'Chained Heat 2: Stripped of Freedom' 'Santa Claus Conquers the Martians' 'Caligula Reincarnated As Hitler'...... are all 'Citizen Kane' compared to the 90 minute root canal which is 'Good Burger.' "This is a fun film for kids." say some reviewers. They should all be aware that their kids disagree because they've actually had to watch the movie. They should also be aware their kids are going to fxxxing kill them!!! There fingernail pulling begins with Dexter (Kenan Thompson) planning a relaxing summer vacation by exploiting every black stereotype on the universe.

Dexter crashes his car into Sinbad whom unfortunately survives the accident and Dexter must pay to fix his car. WHY? Liability insurance will cover it! This is all just a set up for Dexter to take a summer job at Good Burger with nails on chalkboard Ed (Kel Mitchell).

Ed seems to be trying to impersonate Sean Penn's character from 'Fast Times.' It wasn't funny then and it's NOT funny now! When Ed's "Welcome ta Gud Burger home oh da Gud Burger can I's take ya odor." is the highlight of the trailer you know this movie is torture.

And that's the next 90 minutes! Ed repeating the same line over and over again for 90 minutes! The being skinned alive only pauses briefly for a few celebrity cameos such as Carmen Electra being hired to seduce Ed. Prince must feel really low right now.

The studio also apparently had incriminating photos of George Clinton and Shaquille ONeal since they also put in an appearance.

But by far the most humiliating is Abe Vigoda as the janitor. No, seriously it's Abe Vigoda. Yes, the Abe Vigoda. No, this isn't just an internet rumor, it really is Abe Vigoda. OK OK, all kidding aside it really is Abe Vigoda.

And what does Abe Vigoda do in this film? He literally just mops the floors in the background! He doesn't even have a single line! WTF!!! No one is this hard up for entertainment. If they showed this in prison it would start a riot. If they showed this in a convent it would also start a riot! DO NOT SEE THIS FILM!!! Alright, all kidding aside Abe Vigoda really is in this film. Please don't watch it to see for yourself just trust me, it's Abe Vigoda.

0 out of 4 people found the following review useful:
90 Minute Root Canal, 4 September 2014

Cheerleaders, zombies, and vampires? Could be fun. But it's NOT!!!

Why does this film have such a high rating on IMDb? Because once again the studio has trolled this site with fake reviews and IMDb doesn't stop them!

I just finished watching a critical analysis of 'Who's That Girl' and we did find a few funny gags to its credit. 'All Cheerleaders Die' has NO redeeming credits at all!!! That's how bad this film is. I enjoyed more or rather hated less 'Who's That Girl' than this film.

The plot: I watched this film twice just to make sure I can honestly say this film has NO plot what so ever! That's how bad it is! Even after a second viewing I still cannot name a single character in this film!

Alright, here's what happens: It opens with a bio video about a snobby slutty dumb Mulatto cheerleader. It never explains whom she's speaking to or why she's breaking the 4th wall she just talk to the camera. No, the school newspaper isn't doing a story on her she's just talking to the camera for no reason for the first five minutes of the film until she dies by breaking her neck. This character's life nor death serves no purpose to the rest of the film it's just the opening five minutes, this is one of these films where things just happen for no reason!

Next a goth girl is dumped by her friend? Since it's NEVER explained who any of these characters are I presume they're friends?

While out drinking in the woods they get into a verbal and then physical fight with the football team. Isn't the point of slutty cheerleaders and dumb jocks getting drunk in the woods to have sex? Not beat each other up?

Anyway a car chase ensues and the cheerleaders are all drowned. The goth girl just happens along and is able to drag five 100 pound bodies back into the woods where she performs a Wicken spell which brings them back to life.

The girls return to the goth girl's house where one of the characters is upset because her soul is in her sister's body. Again, since it's NEVER explained whom any of these characters are we don't know whom her sister is nor do we care. Although we do wonder, if there was a soul body mix up, wouldn't there be a second sister also upset about being in her sister's body? Well there isn't.

The girls are apparently now cold fleshed zombies. Although if they have their souls back why are they zombies? Aren't zombies living bodies without souls?

Whatever, let's just wrap this up, we're already 75% into the movie! No kidding! It takes over an hour just to get to the narrative hook. But this isn't 'Ben-Hur' it's still only 90 minutes. See? There is a God.

The girls first eat a neighbor alive and then go back to school to kill some boys. Are these the same boys who caused the fatal car accident? We don't know! It's NEVER explained who any of these characters are!

The token black quarterback shows back up. Yes, him we remember. He's the only black guy in this movie. He caused the accident. They kill him. The end. I didn't leave out a single detail. That's it! There is not a single interesting element in this whole film!

There is nothing sexy, scary, or exciting. It isn't even entertaining on a base level like 'Sharknadeo.'

If this and 'Who's That Girl?' are the only two films on TV, gauge your eyes out! No, seriously watch 'Who's That Girl?' This is just how bad 'All Cheerleaders Die' is!

What If... (2010/I)
1 out of 2 people found the following review useful:
What If I Never Wasted 90 Minutes On This?, 25 August 2014

What if Hercules married Buffy the Vampire Slayer? It would be really really boring!!!

This is why Christianity is losing! Christian movies are horrible!

So some Christian preacher actually saw Jim Belushi and Linda Hamilton in 'Mr. Destiny' and thought, "Wow, what an inspirational film which deserves a remake."?

Hercules stars as a heartless ruthless money obsessed businessman. But since this is a family film he's totally free of drugs and STDs. So he's really not that bad of a person.

A near death experience via a sports car accident allows Hercules' guardian angel Cliff from 'Cheers' to give him another chance at life. What if Hercules hadn't become a greedy businessman and had instead married his small town high school sweetheart Buffy?

Hercules appears in church where he's a husband, father, and pastor of some non denominational Christian sect. Let's see, only one wife of legal age? That rules out Mormonism.

This scene is reminiscent of the famous 'The 39 Steps' improvised impassioned speech scene. Except here it doesn't work!

So Hercules lost all his money but is married to Kristy Swanson? What, did they fall in love because they were locked in an attic together for 3 years 4 months and 16 days?

If this were real life Hercules would spend the next several years making up for lost time and re consummate their marriage. Hey, their married, it's not immoral or anything.

But of course we have to waste 90 minutes going through the motions of Hercules realizing the emptiness of greed and value being a husband and father. It's the type of script where the audience has already figured out the plot and is just waiting for the characters to finally catch up.

Seriously, there is no chemistry between Hercules and Buffy at all.

Predictably Cliff eventually sends Hercules back in the real world where he rushes to his small home town to profess his love for Buffy whom is still unmarried after 15 years!!! She predictably resists but then reciprocates his bland love.

So the moral of this story is that in 15 years Buffy became an old maid so pathetic she couldn't get past her high school boyfriend to have a successful marriage to someone else? And that the key to a happy life is to marry your high school sweetheart right after graduation? (after Alan Thick soiled her from the ages of 16 to 18)

I can find NO redeeming reason to see this film other than to marvel at how despite putting on weight Kristy Swanson has really kept her looks.

Kevin Sorbo despite putting on weight has also kept his bad acting.

EuroTrip (2004)
Easy Target Is Missed By A Mile, 24 July 2014

The Europeans. Perhaps the last ethnic group it's still politically correct to make fun of. They're easy targets for laughs and this movie doesn't have a single one! I did not laugh once during the whole movie. I even watched this again just to make sure I didn't miss any. Nope, not a single gag that works.

The easy set up is that some college stoners want to trek Europe with the ultimate goal of hooking up with Mike (female) a hot blonde German these untalented actors have been communicating with via email.

So we have a token group of college stoner friends and........... NO! We do not have all the usual token characters. Not even a token stereotypical black friend! They're pretty much just all the same character! There's no token nerd, token nice guy, token fat guy, token jock, token bully, or token sexually repressed virgin girl. They're all just the same damn character repeated five times!

Their trip begins in France. How hard is it to make fun of the French? Well this movie doesn't even bother to try. In fact it doesn't even cast French actors. American J.P. Manoux stars as a mime performing in front of the Lourve who they beat up. Because beating up a mime is funny?

Next it's off to the nude beaches! The fact that Paris doesn't have any beaches doesn't stop them. So this should provide lots of laughs. Nope. None. Zip.

Amsterdam strikes out as well. No jokes there either. Really? The couldn't make fun of Amsterdam? Eastern Europe is also a wash. Although we finally do get to see a cameo by one European actor who's made a career out of playing stereotypical Euro trash, Rade Serbedzija. This is the first time in 20 years he hasn't made me laugh.

A scene with British comedian Joann Lumley was edited out. But even she couldn't save this mess.

By the time of the anti climax at the Vatican we just want this root canal to end.

I see some reviews here on how funny this film is. Well it isn't. It's not funny. Not even once. There's simply nothing else to say.

In conclusion, I can think of no redeeming reason to see this film for any reason. I fails to make a single funny joke and with such a rich comedic subject matter.

Millennium (1989)
"Your Mother Was A Cash Register.", 3 July 2014

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

'Millennium' still stands out after all these years as a phenomenal premise for a science fiction film. Perhaps that's why fans like me keep watching it over and over again hoping maybe this time the film makers will get it right! But of course it never changes.

Given this film's IMDb ratings, others seem to agree, this film has a phenomenal premise.

The plot: Kris Kristofferson stars as an investigator of a mysterious mid air collision with many paranormal aspects. The oddest of which is why a bombshell like Cheryl Ladd would buy him dinner and take him to bed the same night.

A Nobel Laureate is also investigating this and other mysterious plane crashes.

The explanation is simple, time travelers from 1,000 years in the future are abducting healthy people from the past fated to die in plane crashes. The plane and replacement dead bodies are then sent back into the past without causing any harmful changes to the space time continuum. Hence Cheryl Ladd is merely a femme fetal from the future attempting to clear up any inconsistencies, but inevitably causes even more time paradoxes.

You might remember how a similar premise was used in 'The Time Shifters.' This is a great story! Too bad it's executed so poorly. Aside from the lack luster production quality, FX, and acting, the devil is in the details of the story.

First off, if time traveling is causing so many time paradoxes, why are they sending back agents whom will cause even more troubles? Sure it moves the story along but it seems silly to do it? Second, many of these errors seem just plain silly. For example, a futuristic stun gun is left in the wreckage and found by Kristopherson. In order to correct this Ladd goes back in time to get the stunner but actually leaves half of it with Kristopherson and speaks to him. Hence making his more convinced of paranormal activities! Third, it's later revealed that at age 7 Kristopherson was aboard one of the hijacked flights and survived the crash. And he's just remembering this NOW? This just seems tacked on. Sure he was a kids but surely a 7 year old would remember encountering time travelers on an airplane and being the sole survivor of the crash! This is also sill as I was expecting the Nobel Laureate to be the boy from the 1960s. It would better explain why he was so obsessed with the paranormal plain crashes.

Fourth, the film does explain that they cannot visit the same time twice. Yet after realizing Kristopherson will bring his evidence to the Nobel Laureate, Ladd attempt to stop this by confronting the two of them at his house. Couldn't she just travel to before the two even met and steal the evidence? Why confront them at all? This idiots could really use a time machine.

It's also unrealistic how the passengers being taken off these planes just calmly go along with everything. In real life they'd be freaking out. "Oh my God! What this fxxx is happening? I'm not doing anything you robots tell me to!" And let's NOT forget about the shoddy sci-fi production quality. These future leaders live in a mat painting of a giant metal pyramid. And the leaders look like the Cenobites from the 'Hellraiser' series. No kidding. That's exactly what they look like.

The future robot workers look like 1950's silver faced humans playing robots. Either that or villains from 'Power Rangers.' My friends laughed these characters off the screen when they saw this.

As for the dialogue? That's truly historically memorable. Ladd insults a robot with, "Your mother was a cash register." It's comeback? "And she turned a tidy profit." This is the type of dialogue your in for throughout the 90 minutes! So many of the scenes come across as just plain awkward. Especially the lack of chemistry between lovers Cheryl Ladd and Kris Kristopherson. We almost feel as embarrassed watching this as these actors musts have felt doing this.

Another historic scene is how in the future wall mounted lasers conveniently zap away discarded cigarette butts. (much more practical than switching to the patch) However Ladd forgets this in the past and just casually throws away her butt onto her fellow dinners at a restaurant. Maybe that's why everyone's dying in the future? They're all still addicted to tobacco! Installing lasers on your walls just to get rid of your cigarette butts isn't the first sign of addiction. It's the LAST sign of addiction! It's still unclear if the wall laser aspect was intentionally funny.

The "paranormal" aspects of the crash are lack luster as a build up. Recall the great build up for sci-fi films like 'Flight of the Navigator' and 'Deja Vu.' Here, it's just not the intriguing.

In conclusion, 'Millennium' IS worth your time just for the phenomenal premise alone! However you'll probably come away frustrated like I was with how poorly it was executed.

The Implausible, The Predictable, The Silly, 18 June 2014

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

This movie is just plain silly. The premise is so simple and the "surprise ending" so predicable. And actions of the characters implausible. It offers nothing.

The plot: Just in case you're still curious about seeing this film. Yuppie doctors have their young son kidnapped and murdered by a child serial killer. The killer pleads insanity and gets a light sentence. This in and of itself could at least made an interesting Lifetime network movie but instead it's just rushed into the first 15 minutes of the film. We feel absolutely no emotions for this couple or their son since we really don't know anything about them. Their loss is merely the set up for the premise.

The vengeful couple plan to hijack the killer's prison transport and take him back their house to torture him. Since they're doctors they know how to keep him alive.

The hijack results in a crash but the couple succeeds in their plan and bring the already seriously injured killer back to their basement.

Here's where the movie also misses out on an easy opportunity. Movie serial killers are generally interesting. They have a gimmick, 'Manhunter,' 'Seven,' 'Saw,' 'The Crimson Rivers.' Serial killers are interesting. But not this one. The injured killer is unable to speak and we learn absolutely nothing about him. Not a thing other than fact that he's murdered several children.

After 60 minutes of boring R rated torture scenes. Yes, R is boring. True horror fans have already seen the Ilsa trilogy, 'Riki Oh' and 'Cannibal Holocaust.' Anything with a mere R rating is boring by our standards.

Predictably the killer escapes, but only to hang himself there on the spot leaving a suicide note begging the couple's forgiveness. If he's so injured, how did he manage to hang himself to death? Spoiler warning!!! And now the predictable twist. The tortured man wasn't actually the killer. The couple later sees on the news that the prisoner transport was actually carrying two prisoners. The serial killer and a tax evader. They've been torturing the tax evader. We see in flashbacks that the real killer actually followed the couple back to their house and was hanging around their home the whole time stealing their food. He hanged the man and wrote the suicide note to frame him.

Wait a minute! That doesn't make any freaking sense! Why was the serial killer hanging around the house at all? He could have simply killed the couple and hid out from the police in their house! Or he simply could have run like hell and escaped to Canada! Why was the killer even sticking around? It only increased his chances of being caught! Why was he reduced to stealing food when he could just kill for it? He's a serial killer! So what happens now? What does the couple do? They simply go on the lamb to evade the police! There's NO scene where the couple realizes in horror that they've been torturing an innocent man and feels any guilt. Or any guilt that they freed their son's killer! Aren't they the least bit concerned that the serial killer is still on the loose? I guess not since the killer was living in the bushes outside their house for a whole month and never even harmed them once! So that's the disaster which is 'The Tormented.' I can think of no redeeming value in this film what so ever. It's not even fun to riff or make of or base a drinking game around.

Just in case you're still curious about the production quality and acting in this film... it's torture.

Ms. 45 (1981)
Bust Caps and Chew Bubble Gum... She's All Out of Bubble Gum, 17 June 2014

First off I've always been a fan of Italian grind house exploitation films. However I've never enjoyed the rape revenge genre. It's an interesting concept which always falls flat. 'Ms. .45' finally breaks that mold.

The film's super arty directing and music really make it shine. There are however MANY leaps in logic. It's unclear if these are just sloppy plot holes or intended oddities to make the audience think. There are also clearly many other story elements taken from earlier rape revenge films.

The plot: We start out in Manhattan's garment district. How do we know this? Because after the opening title it states, "Garment District, Manhattan." As to whether this was actually filmed in NYC or Italy like so many other 1980s films I have no idea. We never see any landmarks. Although the appearance of NY landmarks in other Italian films has never guaranteed they were actually filmed in NYC either.

Thana (I'd never have figured out what her name was if it wasn't for the Italian subtitles. Everyone always sounds like they're calling her "Hanna" or "Diana.") is a pretty young woman with the whole shy sexy school girl look going on. She's working as a fashion tailor in 9th Avenue's only sweatshop which actually employs ONLY pretty Caucasian girl whom actually speak English... or Italian.

On her way back to her apartment above the stereotypical old spinster Thana is raped by two separate men in two separate attacks within 3 minutes. First in an ally by a masked stranger, and second by a burglar inside her apartment.

The rape scenes themselves have to be the tamest in film history! Seriously, all rape is violent but these two rape scenes last only seconds and are just a close up of Thana's pain filled face. Rape revenge fans are expecting more! The first attack leaves Thana mute? It's NEVER explained if she was simply mute all along or traumatized by the attack. But anyway she's mute throughout the film. ('Thriller: A Cruel Picture.') During the next attack Thana clubs the burglar with a glass apple killing him instantly. At this point she has a psychotic break with reality. Being raped in two totally separate attacks within 3 minutes can do that to a girl. Even though her killing was 100% morally and legally justified she doesn't call the police and instead calmly dismembers the body. What she can't fit down the toilet she saves in the refrigerator and gets rid of the body parts piece by piece by simply leaving them in random street trash cans all over the city over the course of the film. And yes, we do get to see random bums find those body parts.

The biggest plot hole is that Thana's .45 caliber rage isn't taken out on actual rapists or her masked rapists, or even criminals in general. She just kills random people. So she's not out for justice? She's just a psycho killer? In fact the second person she kill is just a guy trying to give her back purse! WTF? Thana does kills some muggers, but one guy she just meets in a bar and the other guys are just slimeballs trying to pick her up. I guess the mere fact that they were trying to pick her up and not simply rape her proves they're not rapists.

She also keeps getting hit on by her boss. I kept guessing the climax would be that he was the first masked rapist. But the masked man is never revealed. The movie simply ends with Thana dressing up as a nun and going postal on her coworkers at their Halloween office party. Wait, her coworkers were her friends! Why's she killing them? It's also never explained where she gets all the extra ammo. Hello, they didn't have in the 80s. The film passes up a great opportunity for a scene like 'The Terminator' where the title character just calmly walks into a gun shop and loads up. She'd be too young to buy ammo legally so we can only presume the burglar with the .45 brought a lot of ammo with him.

In conclusion this is a very odd rape and revenge film as there are rapes but no real revenge, just the heroin going postal on people totally unrelated to her suffering.

Despite all the MAJOR plot holes I really did enjoy this film for its arty directing and music. The shooting scenes are done very well. It's like 'Bad Lieutenant' meets 'Nikita' meets 'I Spit On Your Grave.' A jail bait school girl wielding a .45 is always worth watching. I look forward to the sequel, Mrs. .357.

Mac and Me (1988)
1 out of 1 people found the following review useful:
Cheap 'E.T.' Non Toxic Backwash, 31 May 2014

First off I'd like to state that haven't seen this film since 1990 on HBO. But even the trailers warned of doom. When the trailer isn't narrated by Don LaFontaine but by Ronald McDonald (not kidding) you know this film isn't even trying to be taken seriously! 'Mac and Me' was obviously trying to exploit the phenomenal success of 'E.T.' which remained playing in theaters for over 3 years into 1984! But it was only available on VHS in bootleg format until 1989. Hence, in 1988 there was a void that needed to be filled. America was E.T.less until 'Mac and Me.' Well first off this film isn't nearly as bad as everyone says. It's just rightfully one of the most hated films of all time because it's such an obvious rip off of 'E.T.'!!! Right down to scene by scene! Not kidding, some scenes are identical to 'E.T.' like the G men chasing the school kids.

It's pointless to describe the plot because it's exactly like 'E.T.'!!! I can't stress this enough! From how the boy meets the alien to how the single mom finds out her sons have been hiding it, it's exactly like 'E.T.' Except not good. But not really that bad.

Imagine if the Lifetime network was given the screenplay for 'E.T.' rather than Steven Spielberg.

The cartoonish action violence is also WAY over done. Sure E.T. himself took some Tom & Jerry style blows but here poor Mac gets the full Ren & Stimpy treatment. Getting sucked through vacuum cleaners more than once and getting bounced off car windshields.

If all this is supposed to be comical, it's NOT. Poor Mac is like the Wiley Coyote of cute aliens.

The only other difference is that this time Elliot is in a wheelchair. This way McDonald's which produced the film can boast about how the Ronald McDonald House helps the families of crippled kids.

In conclusion I can think of no reason to watch this film other than the fact that 'E.T.'s Blue Ray release has been totally bastardized by new shoddy CGI FX and reedited to be more friendly. Such as removing the G men's hand guns and changing some dialogue. WHY? 'E.T.' was perfect! Just leave it the fxxx alone! Once again the clear solution to this problem is to simply watch a bootleg VHS of 'E.T.'

Why Semi Auto Just Doesn't Cut It Anymore, 26 May 2014

IMDb does it again. They list this film as "1987" despite the fact that the MPAA copyright date clearly says, "XMLXXXV." That's Roman numerals for 1985! Also NONE of the images used they include are actually part of the actual movie!, always trying to outdo Censorpedia's inaccuracy.

Now that I've release that from my system, I'd first like to state that I've never been a big fan of going postal films. They never seem bold enough to take a stand as to whether the mass shooter is justified in his actions, tragic victim of circumstances, mentally ill or just plain evil. But 'Blood Wednesday' is just goofy enough to work.

Not "goofy" as in a dark comedy, but goofy as in there are A LOT of elements in play here.

Our dangerous loner is Harry. Right from the opening scene it's obvious Harry is mentally ill. He looses his job as an auto mechanic after he simply forgets how to put an engine back together. Something he's done many times before.

Harry is hospitalized and an attractive doctor Dr. Johnson first speaks with Harry's ex wife whom wants nothing to do with him. So he's left in the custody of his older brother Ben who doesn't really care about him either. Ben just abandons him in an abandoned hotel. It's this old haunted abandoned hotel which gives 'Bloody Wednesday' its real unique edge. The audience themselves doesn't know where reality ends and Harry's insanity begins. Is the hotel really haunted? Is Harry really having an affair with Dr. Johnson? Just because Harry's clearly crazy doesn't mean these things aren't true. The viewer is left to decide for themselves.

Most of the ghosts in the hotel are nice. The friendly bellboy warns Harry about a haunted room which stopped being rented out after two suicides. But when Harry actually talks with their ghosts he's discovers their deaths weren't so simple.

Harry also talks with his teddy bear whom tells him to kill. When a gang of street thugs break in, Harry holds them at gun point while the bear weighs judgment on whether they should live or die.

Harry also starts an affair with Dr. Johnson. Or does he? She denies it. But later lets him sleep on her couch. And Harry's ex wife later says she knows about the affair and wants to blackmail Dr. Johnson. So was it real after all?

The same gang of muggers see Harry admiring an Uzi in a store window and ask, "What are you going to do with a machinegun?" Gee what would a mental patient want a machinegun for? Harry answers, "Use it." The thug later steals the Uzi and gives it to Harry just of laughs. Wow, what a nice guy! He steals a $10,000 gun and just gives it away?

Harry's first fatality is an elderly security guard whom one of the hotel ghosts says murdered him. Has Harry just committed a cold blooded murder? Or has he merely brought justice to a tormented soul? Harry's next victim is his ex wife, simply because the teddy bear tells him to kill her.

The final shooting rampage is so over the top it's comical. Harry merely enters a dinner and fires non stop with his Uzi for three full minutes, releasing hundreds of rounds! He then loads another clip and fires hundreds more! While he's clearly using a 25 round magazine he only reloaded after hundreds of shots! This is just plain silly. Also, since this all takes place over the course of six minutes, why are all the victims just standing there waiting to get shot? There's no rush for the back door or people hiding under tables or pleading for mercy! They just stand still for six full minutes! The ONLY diner who actually does anything is the one man who shoots Harry dead with one head shot from his own gun. Why was he waiting six minutes to shoot back?

All in all 'Bloody Wednesday' has its moments. The story is a gripping one you'll want to follow. The big question is why Harry goes postal. He isn't angry at life or society. The climax just seems tacked on as a way to end it with fan service.

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