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Cruel Jaws (1995)
Peter Benchley Should Rise From The Grave To Sue IMDb
Peter Benchley Should Rise From The Grave To Sue IMDb
We've all seen bad and really really really bad 'Jaws' backwash, but this one really takes the prize!
Just to clarify, 'Jaws' author Peter Benchley had NOTHING to do with this film! Nor is it based on any of his works!!!
While I can understand these sleazy filmmakers erroneously slapping his name on it, there's no reason for IMDb to outright slander Benchley's good name like this!!! I'm furious!!!
Anyway, back to the movie review. I find it difficult... no impossible to believe this was "made" in 1995. Based on the music, clothing, and poor camera work it was probably shot with a Beta camcorder in the 1980s.
Even a bad 'Jaws' ripoff should at least have some saving graces, a giant shark, lots of people being killed, bikini girls. But no, 'Cruel Jaws' has such truly horrible characters and "acting" that every single line is like nails on a chalkboard! Every SINGLE line!!!
The special FX are horrible as well, obviously unrelated stock footage of real sharks slowed down, an inflatable shark, and of course the usual air guns as props which produce no muzzle flare and eject no shells. All this is 'Ben-Hur' compared to the "acting!"
As with all 'Jaws' films, yes, there is a scene where the shark eats a helicopter ala 'Jaws 2.' "Just when you thought is was safe to go back in the sky."
Avoid this film at ALL costs! No one can be this hard up for entertainment! I can't even imagine a drinking game revolving around this movie!
Scene By Scene Seen Before
Plagiarism is nothing new in Hollywood. Year after year "original" screenplays are forced on us that we've clearly seen before without bothering to credit the original.
'Doomsday' truly takes the prize of not only stealing idea from other films but even steals some scenes frame by frame!!! NO KIDDING!!! There's no way the editors could have put these scenes together without copying from the original.
Here are just a few examples.
-An automated machinegun blows an animal into a million pieces. 'Aliens' (director's cut)
-Soldiers rush into an APC and while it's on fire and it swerves awkwardly through a narrow underground passage. 'Aliens.'
-An up close shot of the APC crushing the skull of an enemy trying to get inside. 'Aliens.'
-The hero is pitted in an arena against a much larger opponent and then scores a lucky single fatal strike to the back of his skull. 'Escape From New York.'
-The villain puts his vehicle into overdrive and propelled back into his seat. 'The Road Warrior.'
-During a high speed chase an enemy fires at the hero with a crossbow and accidentally strikes a villain on the opposite side of the car. 'The Road Warrior.'
-The presumed dead villain with a Cockney accent and Mohawk suddenly appears on the hero's vehicle itself. 'The Road Warrior.'
-The hero drives their vehicle head on into an enemy vehicle killing the villain. 'The Road Warrior.'
-The president/prime minister is completely ungrateful to the hero for saving his life. 'Escape From New York.'
As for the dialogue:
The opening narration: "The idea was simple. Nobody came out and nobody went in." "The rules are simple. Once you go in you don't come out." 'Escape From New York.'
The opening titles:
"2035 Now" "1997 Now" 'Escape From New York.'
The final scene:
"A lot of good people died for this. Is that all it was to you? A job?" "A lot of people died in the process. I just wondered, how you felt about it?" 'Escape From New York.'
Hence, this film truly insults its audience by expecting them not to notice the plagiarism!
There are other major problems such as the heroes suddenly finding a luxury sedan in PERFECT showroom condition, fully fueled, with a charged battery, and not a speck of dust after 25 years in a desolate wasteland!
The sedan even survives head on collisions with other vehicles without so much as a scratch! The headlights aren't even broken! Where was the FX department on this?
Perhaps they were too busy making star heroine Rhona Mitra's enormous breast implants disappear? Seriously, they're not in this movie. I can only presume she had them either removed or replaced by smaller ones.
Amor Estranho Amor (1982)
Arguably The Most FUBAR Erotic Film Ever Made
'Love Strange Love' tells the 24 hour Brazilian epic of a 12 year old boy abandoned by his grandmother to the mansion brothel where his mother works as a prostitute servicing politicians.
Mom locks her son in the mansion (which makes Versailles look like a shack) attic to keep him out of trouble until he leaves in the morning. Predictably this is not successful. The many prostitutes take every opportunity to try and seduce the boy. The most successful is Xuxa Meneghel. Yes Xuxa, the clothing optional blonde bombshell children's television hostess! This film is generally classified among the erotic Nazi exploitation films simply because it takes place in the 1930s. This was most likely the intention of the studio simply to fit into a category and attract an audience. However this film has as much to do with the Third Reich as 'Pearl Harbor' actually had to do with Pearl Harbor.
SPOILER WARNING!!! Although Xuxa gets the closest to deflowering the 12 year old, they are constantly interrupted by his mother whom wants him all to herself! And GETS HIM! Imagine the frustration! You're just about to get deflowered by Xuxa but your mom keeps walking in!
Thriller - en grym film (1973)
Obvious Inspiration for 'Kill Bill'
The opening credits in English read, 'Thriller: A Cruel Picture' not whatever nonsense IMDb chooses as its title.
If there was ever one single film Quinton Tarantino based his 'Kill Bill' series on, it was this.
There is VERY little dialogue. The Swedish film doesn't even need subtitles. The entire story is told through character actions which involve slow paced scenes showing in detail simple actions like walking from one place to another without any musical score.
It's also important to note that the American DVD release is the "Vengeance Edition" which I suspect is the censored version. The version I watch was on YouTube which includes HARD CORE porn scenes! How "hard core?" Well, it not only shows real intercourse but actual ejaculation. Amazing the stuff they allow on YouTube without any warning.
Just to be clear, this isn't a porn film.
The plot: After being raped by a homeless man as a child Madeline is left mute and lives on a farm with her elderly parents.
She's picked up by a scumbag whom kidnaps her and gets her addicted to heroine to force her to prostitute.
At first Madeline resists the customers and her pimp gouges out one of her eyes as punishment. Won't that harm his investment in her earnings? Madeline eventually saves up thousands of dollars in tips and spends all her spare time learning martial arts, to shoot, and to race car drive. All this is a buildup to her final fury of hunting down her pimp and all her clients with a sawed off shotgun. Each of the shooting deaths are shown in extreme slow motion.
As I said, all of this is explained through actions with hardly any dialogue at all.
The similarities between this and 'Kill Bill' are overwhelming.
It's good film making for Giallo and Euro-grindhouse fans.
Just be prepared that the film isn't anything more than the brief plot I described and each scene is very slow moving.
Tasmanian Devils (2013)
The No Monster Monster Movie
Monster movies have always been a guilty pleasure of mine. So even a low budget film about killer marsupials (opossums) sounded interesting.
I figured there would be one giant marsupial or swarms of killer marsupials but instead there's no monster. Let me be clear about this. The monster is NEVER shown! It does NOT appear on camera! The plot: American tourists illegally trespass on an Aboriginal reservation and awaken an demonic giant Tasmanian devil. Or so they claim! Remember we never actually see the monster! Park rangers intervene. Oddly, the park rangers are also Americans. Making it obvious that NONE of this was actually filmed in Australia! No matter what IMDb claims!!! The film also opens with a park ranger explaining how the Tasmanian devil has the most powerful bite in the world. This is obviously a pathetic attempt to make us fear and respect the awesome power of Australian opossums.
It reminded me of the opening of 'The Killer Shrews.' Trying to make us fear shrews and opossums just isn't going to happen! Later one of the park rangers remarks that Australia doesn't have any "man eating species." OF COURSE THEY DO!!! Crocodiles and great white sharks do kill and eat some tourists. Maybe that's why they're scary and opossums are not.
Don't even see this movie as a drinking game. There isn't any material that can even be laughed at.
Once again let me say, there are NO monsters or a monster in this movie!
The Colony (2013)
Good 'Screamers' Rip Off
I really liked 'The Colony' the first time I saw it in 1995 and it was called 'Screamers.' Yeah yeah yeah. I know some nerds are raging right now that 'Screamers' didn't even take place on Earth, but face the facts. They both have pretty much the same plot.
'The Colony' takes place in a frozen post apocalyptic future when the very few surviving humans must live underground in small colonies. They're all plagued with problems like, disease, pestilence, famine, and of course power junkies trying to be king of the hill.
Colony 7, the principle colony loses contact with colony 3 and sends out a search party.
Lawrence Fishburn (Cowboy Curtis) and two others travel to the far side of the blue screen to discover that colony 3 successfully made contact with a non frozen colony with healthy soil in need of seeds.
Unfortunately colony 3 was wiped out by a gang of feral cannibals. Inevitably they will follow the search party back to colony 7.
Over all the film is exciting and entertaining. The CGI FX are pretty decent, although they're about the same as 'Screamers' mat paintings, which once again begs the question, "Why even use CGI if mat paintings have always worked well?" The only logical flaw I notice was how the cannibal gang was able to track Fishburn's boot prints over night through a blizzard? Fishburn takes shelter before sundown citing how the storm is worsening. Yet the next morning, with it still snowing, Fishburn points to his boot prints from the day before. They're still fresh! This could have easily been explained away with a line, "How could they have tracked us? The blizzard would have covered our prints in the snow?" "They've gone feral. They must have extraordinary tracking skills." See? Problem solved.
Mil gritos tiene la noche (1982)
Almost A Parody of Giallo
'Pieces' is required viewing for any Giallo fan because it's almost an intentional parody of Giallo films. I mean that in a good way.
We begin in Boston 1942. Like all true Giallo it pretends to be filmed in America when it's clearly not. Hence the opening caption "Boston 1942" and numerous maps of the USA hanging on walls next to portraits of President Ronald Reagan.
Anyway, we begin with a flashback of an adolescent boy hacking his mother to pieces after she punishes him for playing with a pinup jigsaw puzzle. GET IT? Pieces of a woman's body in the puzzle, being hacked to pieces, hence 'Pieces' the title.
All grown up the psycho killer has moved to the prime hunting ground of a Giallo college campus, where couples casually make love in the bushes, girl go skinny dipping at night, take showers in the locker room alone, and do sexy aerobics late at night. It's a serial killer's dream! The killer himself goes totally unnoticed, despite the fact that he's always wearing a long trench coat, carrying a chainsaw, breathing louder than Darth Vader, carrying around potatoes sacks of blood body parts, (not exaggerations) and doing all this while leering over girls in various stages of undress. He arouses no suspicions. Again, this feels more like a parody film.
Despite the fact that girls are being chainsawed to death left and right on campus, the police choose to NOT warn the students about the killings! Instead they send a blonde cop in undercover to lure the killer out. But with some many students doing things nude and at night it could be long time before he gets around to her.
We'd think the students would have picked up on the large number of blood crime scenes and students disappearing all on their own. Then again, since they don't notice a guy with a chainsaw casually walking the halls maybe they really are that stoned.
The biggest laugh is Flatfoot (Paul Smith) as the campus custodian. Logically he's a suspect. He too carries a chainsaw around campus. Again, no one seems to notice.
SPOILER WARNING!!! In the end it turns out the killer has been using the body parts of his victims to build his ideal woman. Of course we all saw that coming.
But just as the closing credits are about to roll the composite corpse reaches out and literally rips off the hero's genitals! There's no explanation for why this happens, the closing credit just roll.
I really enjoyed this film and so will anyone whom enjoys Giallo or enjoys making fun of Giallo.
The Big Brawl (1980)
Not As Bad As Its Reputation
Jackie Chan's first crossover into the American market was a bomb. Chan himself said that this and another prohibition era gangster film were by far his worst movies and he regretted making them. Having seen some of Chan's really low budget Hong Kong and Taiwanese films, I beg to differ.
Chan's more recent American crossover attempts were far worse, like the 'Rush Hour' and 'Shanghai Noon' series.
Actually 'Battle Creek Brawl' isn't nearly as bad as its made out to be. The production quality and acting is high.
Much like 'The Brady Varity Show' the film has a shock effect of seeing Chan outside of his natural element, in prohibition era Chicago.
It's also interesting to hear how Chan's English wasn't any worse in 1980. (or rather that it hasn't improved even in 33 years) The film gets off the a great start with Chan casually doing sit up while hanging upside down by his shoes from a bridge without any safety net! The problem is there aren't enough scenes like this. We don't get the great fight and chase scenes we've come to expect from Chan. He usually ends up fighting other martial artists. However, when he's up against Chicago gangsters there's no challenge and no thrill.
In conclusion, there's nothing to hate about 'Battle Creek Brawl' but there's very little to love as well.
Hopefully Chan would have learned by now that his Hong Kong action comedy style was a winning formula he should never deviate from. Then we would never have to endure the horrible 'Rush Hour' and 'Shanghai Noon' series!
Black Shampoo (1976)
Blaxploitation Fan Service
Blaxploitation is a seriously underrated genre. Bottom line, it you enjoy blaxploitation you'll love 'Black Shampoo' he's one bad mother... shut your mouth.
Actually the hero Mr. Jonathan isn't a vigilante. He's just the only straight hair stylist at a salon catering to desperate white housewives. Inevitably Mr. Jonathan ends up giving his clients more than just shampoo, that is if their daughters don't get to him first.
Mr. Jonathan gets into a tussle with a give turkey heroine smugger whom wants Mr. Jonathan's love interest back as his black sex slave. When Mr. Jonathan tries to defend her, their salon is vandalized by thugs.
The whole thing ends in a bloody showdown involving chainsaws, axes, and pool sticks. Surprisingly violent.
So the plot's light but 'Black Shampoo' delivers on the classic blaxploitation is promises.
The recent film 'Black Dynamite' failed as a parody of blaxploitation because it failed to realized that blaxploitation is funny enough on its own.
Pandora Machine (2004)
Worst 'Aliens' Rip Off Ever! (That's Saying A Lot)
Behold the 'Alien/Aliens' rip offs. They were big in Italy in the 80s and some were actually worth watching as they were different takes on the classic story. Even worse they all had the same title, 'Alien 2.' (not kidding, there were several Italian films with this title) The worst by far was the one taking place in the Venice sewers where Italians dressed like Sigourney Weaver, Michael Biehn, and Bill Paxton, used pump shotguns which did not actually fire anything, eject shells, or even produce muzzle flare at NOTHING! Footage of cheap puppets was added later.
'Pandora Machine' makes the above film look like 'Citizen Kane!' 'Pandora Machine is as bad as it gets! Take refugees from a scifi convention with air soft guns, filming with a camcorder in their parents' basement.
Much like the cheap pump shotguns which fired nothing, ejected no shells, and produced no muzzle flare, these kids' air soft guns also do NOTHING! They're not even real looking guns! The dialogue is truly as bad as it gets. "I'll shove this gun up your fxxx hole!" Get ready for 90 minutes of that.
Other scenes which show just how juvenile these film makers are is a gratuitous out of place girl on girl kiss.
Clearly this whole film is merely the result of kids with air soft guns, a camcorder, and a free weekend while their parents' were out of town.