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9 out of 20 people found the following review useful:
The hills may have eyes but they'll also have dismal box office returns, 10 March 2006

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

I loved Haute Tension and thought it was the best horror movie I saw last year. I just saw this movie an hour ago and was completely overcome by bewilderment. This film is boring and does not have any sort of style. The actors weren't bad. Parts of the film looked great but overall the film had a terrible pace and was a complete mess. The main characters are completely unlikable and the villains are just downright hysterical. This film had potential but all it amounts to is bad decision making: Wes Craven had no business trying to remake this film and the director had no right to even attempt directing it. I was not turned off by the blood, violence or gore but rather, by the bad directing. Rob Zombie would have done this remake far more justice.

0 out of 3 people found the following review useful:
SLOW, 20 September 2004

Jesus, the main titles are shown about 20 minutes into the film and the action doesn't start until 45 minutes in the film so prepare yourself to be pretty bored.

Overall the concept is a stretch but since most horror plots are I gave this film a shot. Not a Zombie film and not enough of an appearance by the "Prince of Darkness" himself to make this much of a religious horror flick either.Bugs, spooky homeless people, an African American man sterotypically singing a hymn, and other predictable scary things make this film tamer than one would want or expect.

A few bright spots include:

The makeup of the woman possessed by the devil (she looked delightfully hideous)

The dream sequence's use of video (makes for a creepy atmosphere)

Some seriously funny lines like "You know, you could pass for Asian" (WTF?!)

One seriously Pedophilic Mustache on the lead character.

What it all boils down to is the feeling you get while watching it "Wow, this is the beginning of the end of great Carpenter films..." Save the time and watch "The Thing" for the millionth time and think fondly of Carpenter's golden years.

Zombie (1979)
0 out of 1 people found the following review useful:
I wanted gore and boy did I get it., 13 September 2004

OK,as far as special the sight of a woman getting a splinter of wood rammed through her eye was a sight to behold but more gruesome than that bloodshed was the terrible quality of the storyline. Yes, I'm fully aware that this sort of movie is considered Cheese but this stuff is sliced so thin you can see straight through it.

With a plot that often baffles and confuses and Mia Farrows sister trying her best to look like she actually care, Zombi 2 is all about the special effects. If blood, guts and gore is your bag, Zombi is a treat. If you like your horror accented by a coherent story look elsewhere. If you're a true blue horror fan like myself you will get a kick out of skimming through the DVD chapters of the flick to all of the amazing gross outs (hats off to such sophisticated looking stuff, horror movies nowadays don't hold a candle)

I recommend this to hardcore gore hounds who could care less about plot.

4/10 (The shark vs zombie scene was cool but only made me realize that there's two types of dummies in this world: women who would scuba dive topless and stunt doubles who would start beef with a real shark)

The Stuff (1985)
1 out of 2 people found the following review useful:
Can't get enough of that stuff..., 19 August 2004

I just saw "The Stuff" this weekend and was a bit let down. I really love horror films and also have a penchant for hokey b-horror films but this seemed to be a little of both and neither at the same time. It wasn't scary at all (though I admit that when the cookie mogul freaks out in the radio station the special effects are so bad it actually makes them scarier, the special effects borrow heavily from THE THING...) and though I absolutely love Mo Rutherford's character (every line he recited was quotable) I felt his comedy wasnt supported by anything else in the movie. Larry Cohen has put together a jumble of things; a commentary on commercialism and marketing, an absurdist comedy about a white goo that tastes good, has few calories and turns people mad and a horror film with very little horror at all. All in all it was a nice ride, a disposable movie of sorts. Though I must admit, the end made me laugh. Nice touch.

Overall rating: 5/10

Elf (2003)
2 out of 4 people found the following review useful:
Will Ferrell does it again., 3 October 2003

Jon Favreau has directed a cute and quirky Christmas movie that will leave both children and parents satisfied. A script that could have easily been thought of as too dark and absurd (the absurd moments in the film are one of its many strengths) is pulled together by a man who continues to amaze me in every film he's in: Will Ferrell. Will Ferrell brings an edge of naivete to the character that is so charming and hilarious it makes it incredibly easy to sit through a film about Santa's attempt to regain the Christmas spirit. In the movie Ferrell plays Buddy, a human who grows up to believe that he is actually and overgrown Christmas Elf and eventually finds out that he is adopted. Buddy sets out on a journey to the wonderful land of New York City to meet his biological father played by James Caan. Injected with many weird and quirky moments (including a cast of claymation animals a la "Rudolf The Red-Nosed Reindeer" and a group of villains ominously know as "The Central Park Rangers") everyone puts in a good amount of charisma. Zooey Deschanel is quite memorable as the love interest with the sultry singing voice and Edward Asner is pitch perfect as a realistically jolly Santa Claus (Faison Love also puts in good performance as the Gimbel's Department store manager). Not a classic by any stretch of the mind Buddy is a great film to take the kids to see. Though I saw this film in a test screening in October I definitely felt the Holiday spirit. Yes, the movie has its syrupy sweet "Good Lord this is corny!" moments, but the off the wall bits of comedy balance the storyline out as a whole.Favreau and Ferrell are fully aware of what moments are sterotyped genre dreck and seem to ham it up.

Buddy is worth seeing for Ferrell's performance alone, mixed with both Favreau's sense of humor and direction its stands out amongst the sea of the standard Disneyfied X-mas tales.

They (2002)
"They" could have been a contender., 17 July 2003

Aside from the bad acting this movie moves slowly and has very little reason (why in lord's name is it always so dark? why run from the monsters by going into a deserted train station)? The most horrifying thing about this film is the movie that could have been. The original synopsis was based more in a mechanical/robotic element, where the monsters not only killed you but wiped out the memory of you from everyone you knew. Read the synopsis of the first draft script and think "Why didn't they friggin' shoot this?!?"

5/10 Stars

29 out of 38 people found the following review useful:
When you're strange..., 7 July 2003

I loved this film as a kid and it has always stayed at the top of my vampire genre list, you could bet I was plenty surprised when I found out that this little jewel of 80's cinema was directed by the now yawn worthy "Phone Booth" helmer, Joel Scumacher (the man who massacred the "Batman" franchise).

The best element of this movie is that fact that it doesn't take itself very seriously, but in no way does that effect the relative creepiness of the main storyline. The makeup is top notch, as are the special effects and the acting is a perfect fit to the context of the film. Yeah, Corey Haim may not be a Dean or Brando, but he is pitch perfect as the annoying little brother who talks big and runs fast in the face of trouble. Jason Patrick is as good as an actor could possibly be in a role that requires very little character development but the big star here is Kiefer Sutherland who channels his "scary bad boy" look into a character who is as fun to watch as he is frightening. Rounding out the rest of the cast is Dianne Wiest as the sweet mother, Corey Haim and Edward Hermann as the vampire killing duo Edgar and Alan (a cute Poe reference) Frog and 80's movie staple Jamie Gertz as the gypsy-esque Star.(sidenote: Yes that is Alex Winter of "Bill and Ted" fame as one of the lesser vampires)

The film has many memorable scenes including the vampire initiation and the scene where Patrick first approaches his brother in vampire form. Though the 80's fashion and music are powerful throughout they borderline overdone and are still enjoyable. Plotwise the set up is acceptable: Wiest and her two sons(Patrick and Haim) move into her father's house in Santa Carla, California, a quaint little beach side town that has been suffering from a high homicide rate. While mom looks for a job the boys look for something to do, Patrick setting his sights on the alluring Star and Haim settling into the local comic den, both fail to notice the ridiculous amount of "MISSING" posters on the walls. Patrick is led astray by a group of youths who like to drag race and hang out in a cave, eventually peer pressure rears its ugly head and soon enough Patrick is one of them. Then he finds out exactly why they only hang out after dark.

Full of great one liners and comedic performances (Barnard Hughes is great as the eccentric taxidermist/grandfather) "The Lost Boys" is a film showcased by the small touches: we still have the usual vampire yarn, but the youthful overtones create a different effect. Yes its 80's but its damn fun to watch. Schumacher creates a film that is not only a fun take on vampires but a creative take on teenagers and their neverending trek to belong.

Reccommended to those who have a sense of humor and enjoy vampire films.

8 out of 10.

17 out of 26 people found the following review useful:
Hints of German Expressionism, 26 June 2003

Though this movie often gets skewered on the message boards it is a delight for those who appreciate the high school horror films of the 80's. The acting is stale, the story is one we've all heard before but this film had some memorable touches. The locker room scene is one of my all-time favorite death scenes and this film used the art class paper cutter as a weapon way before Josh Hartnett wielded one in "The Faculty". The "living rocking horse" is definitely something viewers wont easily forget and that scene reminds me of horrors historical roots in cinema: that scene screams German Expressionism as much as the title sequence in "Nightmare on Elm Street". If you don't like camp, this movie will be hard to swallow, but if you're a fan of the B movies you rented as a kid just because the cover art looked creepy: bon apetit.

0 out of 1 people found the following review useful:
Equality for women in the gross out humor genre? No thanks., 12 June 2003

Cameron Diaz has potential. She's a great comedic actress. She showed a flair for acting when back when she was a few sizes bigger and practically stole the show from Jim Carrey in "The Mask". Before she took a role in "The Sweetest Thing" it was highly publicized that Miss Diaz was one of the highest paid actresses in Hollywood, something that I believe came too soon.

"The Sweetest Thing" is testimony to two things: 1) That Cameron Diaz has yet to reach the point in her career where she can "carry" a film on her own (she does her best work in ensamble pieces) and 2)Nancy Pimental should never be paid ever again to write another film (don't quit your day job on "Win Ben Stein's Money", honey)

It was sad to watch Diaz sink to the unforgettable lows in this film. This film is an anchor that brings down three credible female actresses: Selma Blair, Christina Applegate (this makes "Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Dead" look like Shakespear in the Park) and Cameron Diaz who is way too talented to sing songs about the male genetailia and suffer the horrors of a truck stop bathroom.

One could say I was being too critical and didn't "get" the jokes. What is there to get? Pimental shows a group of women who constantly talk about sex, clothes and personal hygiene while feeling on each others breasts. Halfway through the film, when it seems, the scribe has lost all sense of reason, the film uses a roadtrip to turn into a all out madcap "lets throw all reason out of the window and have a drawn out montage of us dressing up funny and referencing other movies!" comedy.

There's something to be said about a woman who keeps certain things to herself. Sometimes coming on too strong isn't the right move, "The Sweetest Thing" is about as appealing as a drunk women in a bar who is way too honest for her own good. Somethings should be kept to oneself, Pimental should have kept the inside jokes, inside. Too bad she has to take Cameron Diaz with her.Women constantly complain about not being represented justly in Hollywood writing. The fact that a female writer could write a Chick-Flick this bad is just what we need to push us three steps backwards on the road towards Hollywood respectability.

P.S.: The funniest thing about the film was the fact that Jason Bateman finally turned up, only to have his character vomited on.

If you want to see the girls act just as stupid as the boys do in their bottom barrel comedies, be my guest.