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Synecdoche, New York (2008)
Sickening Beyond Belief
Minus 10 out of 10. This is not a movie. It's a hallucination. I was so eager to see this movie that I drove three hours to a special viewing in NYC in 2008. I'm a huge Hoffman fan (at least I was before he overdosed) and count 'Before the Devil Knows You're Dead' and 'The Savages' as two of my favorites. I also dig crazy mixed up flix like 'Memento.' But this movie Wow. This movie was ultimately so disgusting, vile, pointless and worthless.
The first hour is good. We have established characters and a layout for what you anticipate will be a tough but ultimately fulfilling slog. But it turns really bad really fast and when it does, it will likely turn your stomach. So painful to watch. Lacking even a trace of a redemptive quality on any imaginable level. Such a huge disappointment.
One critic described the experience as two hours of a five year old smearing dog feces in your face. I would say it was only one hour of this treatment but you get the point.
Under no circumstances or state of mind should you watch this movie. You've been warned.
Speechless - KAPAYA!
Out of the 1000's of movies I've seen in my 42 years of life, this is the worst acting and worst script writing I have ever seen. Without question, the worst. The timing, the character reactions, the way the lines are delivered. It left me and will leave you speechless. Characters switch reactions repeatedly to suit the "plot" and act aggressive and passive at will. They get excited or depressed at the same issue. The Queen Of Bad Scenes is the shakedown of a debtor. The characters laugh as they shake the guy down and so does the debtor. BUT when they confront the same man 15 minutes later, his reaction is completely and totally different. He's afraid for his life yet laughed at the same threats 15 minutes earlier! No explanation whatsoever and no reason whatsoever EXCEPT the need to push the dumb plot along. Now for the King of Bad Scenes: The Leo's Rule Scene. O.M.G. It is so silly, so over the top, so poorly written, so out of place, and so poorly acted that it belongs in any actor's training of "How Not To Act 101." These type of events happen over and over. And poor David Proval. It's very difficult to explain how bad his acting is and how poorly written his lines are. The crying scene with his mournful voice-over will leave you . . . speechless. And wait until he feels up the tranny. He grabs the "chick's" breast and screams at him, "WHAT'S THIS! WHAT'S THIS! WHAT'S THIS!" The tranny replies, "It's my breast." Proval's answer? "IT'S A LIE! IT'S A LIE!" In a later scene, the sexually confused Proval delivers what may be the single worst line in this sea of bad lines: "I have a right . . . to my degeneracy." How David got cast for the Sopranos after this movie is very surprising. By the way, he was excellent in the Sopranos. I just wish Janet Soprano was in 'Flipping' to off his ace early on. Gene Mitchell as "Shot." Wow. So very, very bad. And the number of F-words in this movie as these truly horrific actors try to sound tough "like they saw in Goodfellas" is appalling. In many scenes, it's every third word. Superb writing!
I could go on, and on, and on. Truly a Tour De Force of bad acting and amateur scriptwriting. How this thing didn't sweep the Razzies, i don't know. Bravo for a truly bad movie!
The Set Up (1995)
Will Make You Sick to Your Stomach
I wonder why are there so few reviews and so little discussion about this movie? At first, it's seems like a typical 1995 b-movie with the exact feel from that era. It started off great. Nicely filmed, starring Billy Zane (normally an excellent actor), James 'freaken' Coburn! How can it go wrong? Oh, man does it go wrong.
I caught it for free on Amazon Prime and I should have been paid to watch it. I suggest that you get together with a group of friends with your remote handy. Every time someone in the cast does something that is completely foreign to what a normal human who lives on earth would do, take a shot of beer. By the end of the movie, you and all your friends will be rip- roaring drunk and projective vomiting on each other between fits of laughter. For extra credit, have a bottle of jack Daniels handy. Every time one of the characters makes an unfulfilled threat such as: "You have (fill in blank) seconds to (fill in blank) or I'm going to (fill in blank)" and then doesn't do ANYTHING, please take a shot. It will add to the the hilarity. Examples: "If I don't see her in five seconds, I am going to kill you!" 1-2-3-4-5. Nothing. "If you ever touch me again, I'll kill you!" The guy touches him again, and doesn't get killed. This happens over and over and over again. All kidding aside, who is the writer of this movie? There is no way he has ever written a movie.
Horrific writing, truly absurd plot twists, a serious gem of stupidity and cliché movie-making. Should most definitely be part of any bad movie aficionado arsenal!
Fall Time (1995)
What the EFF did I just watch?
So extraordinarily bad on so many levels. It made no sense at any juncture. Characters never did one thing a normal person would do. The script doesn't explain anything. It actually made me hurt in my stomach. Didn't one single person who had a level of power over this film look at it and say it is incomprehensible? Didn't anyone like the producer think it might be a good idea to let a small group of people see it just to make sure it made sense? I needed extra lines to make this review long enough so I'm sticking them here. This film doesn't deserve any more discussion. It deserves to buried in an active volcano. Is this enough lines for this baby to get published? How about now?
One thing you will learn from this film: Steven Baldwin is actually a functioning mongoloid.
Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (2013)
So very violent!
We started watching this with my boys (11 and 7) last fall. It was borderline then on the violence and sex scale but still OK because it is Marvel and it is cool. Not anymore. This last episode (on the train with the good guys trying to track a secret case) was so, so violent and over the top. Stabbing in the back, girl shot at close range twice with one shot where the gun is pressed against her belly while she is being hugged(!), huge amounts of blood, more stabbing, open wounds, then ridiculous amounts of blood. Follow this with talk of the two main characters "having sex". What is wrong with these producers? This is Marvel. It's supposed to be for kids.
Please don't watch this show with young children or you will be sorry.
American Hustle (2013)
Prepare to get Hustled.
There are no spoilers in my review:
I have never been so disappointed in a film. With all the hype, I expected another House of Games (1987) or Grifter (1990) or maybe a hard edged drama like The Departed. Instead I saw a very boring film that had no idea what it was. Before I went in, I read that it was a drama. Others said a comedy. Others said a dark comedy. It attempted to be all of the above and succeeded at none. The movie was so boring, after 45 minutes I started to watch the reactions of the viewers around me in the packed theater. It was very telling. Over and over, we would be presented a drama scene with deep consequences to the plot and characters followed by what was supposed to be a funny scene. For example, we have someone worried they are going to get killed at anytime followed by a housewife cleaning her house while dancing to the song "Live & Let Die." Do you laugh? You uneasily chuckle. A little. At the end of the scene when you realize the director is holding up the "laugh" sign. In another scene, you have a character do harm to his superior. The superior is beaten pretty badly. Not only is the subordinate not punished, it is played for laughs, Not knowing what reaction I was supposed to have actually made my stomach queasy - and I eat habaneros for breakfast! I said several times to the people I was with that this is boring. This is not well done. They all agreed. The ending and wrap up will leave you in awe at its lacking.
So much talent and potential wasted.
This Thing of Ours (2003)
Worth watching for the worst scene ever
This was really a bad movie. It looks like it was filmed using a Best Buy camcorder and lighting from Rent-All®. The "director" also starred in the movie. Some a**-hat (*=s) named Danny Provenzano. Never seen him and never want to again. He doesn't look Italian at all and has this strange, crooked face with huge flaring nostrils. Truly unsettling to look at. His acting is another story. It's just one cliché after another. He tries to act New York Italian but comes off like St. Paul MN actor at the Eau De Claire Wisconsin Community Theatre trying his best to pull off Sonny from The Godfather. He's most likely making ends meet by giving those acting classes to the special needs kids (and I respect him from that) but he really shouldn't be staring in his own movie.
Now for that scene I mentioned in the title of my review. This one scene is enough for you "Awful Movie Fans" to perk up and head to Amazon or what ever dark hole of a rental store you can find this turd:
The scene happens at a Chinese restaurant. Four members of a crew lead by Eau De Claire Danny (Character named Nicky in the movie) are sitting around the table. "It's time to try those improvisation chops!" thinks Danny. So for no reason, his character starts telling a story about a 6 foot 8 inch man he and the mobster to his right had to kill. I's clearly not scripted as seen on the faces of the other Othellos around the table. Danny sets the scene and looks to the other actor to jump in. Oh, he does - adding his own brand of improvisation. Now it's back to Eau De Claire Danny who actually contradicts what he said earlier and also mixes up the improvised facts laid out by the other actor This goes on for sooooooo long and it is soooooo bad on so many levels. If anyone other than Eau De Claire Danny had directed the movie, it would have been left on the cutting room floor in its entirety. But there it is --- for all you lucky viewers to see. And see you must. Think: awfulness of the graveyard scene in Plan 9 and you'll get the idea!
The Package (2012)
Huge action fan HATES this movie
I am a huge action movie fan: Rambo, Action Jackson, Universal Soldier, Bloodsport -- you get the picture. This is a stupid, lazy, unentertaining movie. I spent most of the movie rolling my eyes and fast forwarding through the relentless, boring, uninspired, unrealistic, stunt double fight scenes. It is just so many clichés piled on top of each other. Let's check of the cliché boxes, shall we?
Pretty way out of his league long-suffering girlfriend - check
Literally thousands of bullets shot and none hit the action star - check
In addition to point above, we have point blank (6 feet away) machine gun fire misses action star - check
Bad guy and star run out of bullets at same time and fist fight - check
Bad guy and star run out of bullets at same time and fist fight five more times (no exaggeration) - check
Fight in building with sparks and smoke - check
No police for 20 minutes even after four people killed and thousands of rounds fired - check
.308, .223 and 7.62 X 54 bullets from machine gun fire easily blocked by 1/2" drywall, regular wooden chair (like in grade school) and hospital operating table - check
Instead of just shooting the good guy and being done with the movie, bad guys want to torture and tell the good guy there plans before killing him. Good guy kills bad guy and gets away - check
Instead of just shooting the good guy and being done with the movie, bad guys want to have fist fight with good guy proving to the bad guy that he's "still got it". Good guy kills bad guy and gets away - check
Good guy lets bad guy off hook in end of movie. When good guy turns his back, bad guy double crosses him and tries to kill good guy. Good guy notices in very last instance and kills bad guy. End of movie. Believe it or not this scene did NOT happen in this movie. The ONLY cliché the director left out.
Awful, awful, awful movie. Spending an afternoon plucking your short hairs or counting your body moles would be time far better spent.
The Big Lebowski (1998)
OMG - Not Funny, Not Funny, Not Funny!
Why the heck did I tell you the Big Lebowski is not funny three times? Because this is once for every 20 people that told me this movie was the funniest most entertaining movie EVER. After years of being berated at parties and get-togethers with people spewing line after line from the movie, I gave in last week.
I finally rented it.
It's so bad on so many levels it's hard to describe. It's not funny - at - all. It's mildly amusing in parts but of the six people I watched it with, no one laughed once. Not once. I don't think it's a spoiler to tell you the language is sickeningly bad. Up there with Team America bad. There is one reason and one reason only that this movie is popular: College aged men (or guys who wish they were college aged) own the DVD and watch it repeatedly. Once memorizing the movie, on subsequent viewings they elbow each other before each "big" scene almost spilling their friend's beer and yelling, "HERE IT IS! HERE IT IS!" They then laugh at how clever they think they are. They're part of "The DUDE" club and they are very, very special indeed.
This is the most unfunny movie I have ever seen. Other than Scarface and Team America, the movie containing the foulest most unnecessary language I've ever seen, and overall one of top five worst movies I've ever seen (and yes, this includes You Tube cat movies).
Home Alone 3
I'm a major bond fan and historian and this film makes me sick. I didn't think the indecipherable Quantum Of Solace could be beaten but this is a heavy contender.
I can't add a lot to what other 1-star reviews have said. I just want to say that the end scene (Bond at the Skyfall Castle) is so ridiculous and so flawed that it's laughable. It's Home Alone for Adults - AKA Home Alone 3. Sadly there is no Joe Pesci to liven the mood. Just a depressing, silly, unconscionably stupid plot that tries to entertain but fails in every area.
No gadgets and in fact outright contempt for gadgets (did the writers see any previous Bond flicks? -- this is a major part of Bond movies)
Bond seduces a girl who has admitted she has been sexually abused her entire life. A truly stomach-turning scene. This sweet, innocent girl then gets brutally murdered in front of Bond as he does nothing to stop it. Never, ever, ever would Bond allow this to happen. Not only does he not stop it, he shows no remorse.
Baring its heavy contender QOS, the worst Bond ever.