Reviews written by registered user
suzsch

4 reviews in total 
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7 out of 13 people found the following review useful:
Jay Leno skit meets B-flick gun porn, 25 December 2005
2/10

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

I would have given it one star, but I wanted to be fair just in case the second half of the movie that I failed to see after I stopped it and took it back to the video rental store was any good.

This movie reads as a compendium of every sick thing you can think of to make a cop do, and it's done to the point where you almost have to laugh because you're waiting for the point where Denzel steals lollipops from babies and kicks widowed and terminally ill old ladies out of their homes for failing to pay rent just so they had their bases covered to show just how screwed up Denzel's character is. It even starts off with some really cheesy smart-ass talk about Denzel having his morning paper interrupted by Ethan Hawke and so Ethan had better have a really damn entertaining story to justify interrupting his "entertaining" newspaper.

I dunno. I mean, if you are a real bad ass like Denzel's character who is bored to tears by Ethan Hawke's traffic stop story and you like to routinely shoot people and split their ill-begotten cash, what exactly do you find entertaining in the newspaper? The recipe section? The legal notices? Or is it just some dribble from a screenplay writer who was churning out a gun porn film that is one of the dime a dozen that hover somewhere above the straight to video benchmark, and are mostly forgettable as they are paint-by-numbers plots with a mildly interesting twist and stocked with at least one recognizable name? Pah! At the point that the Russians showed up, I was completely lost. I turned it off and went to bed.

2 out of 6 people found the following review useful:
don't drink and watch this movie, 17 July 2005
4/10

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

my friend kept talking about this movie, and over a bottle of Tremens, we followed up the movie "Elf" with this one.

before you judge, "Elf" is usually not my style because i had avoided seeing it for a year and a half, because i find most "comedies" to be kind of pointless these days....

nevermind. back to Godawful Park: I was wide awake for the entire run of the movie. I stared directly at the screen for most of the time. Still, I can't tell you what happened. All I know is that somebody killed Dumbledore and Oscar Wilde showed up to solve the crime.

that actually would have been a much better movie.

in most movies like this, the murder comes somewhere around the end of the first act. instead, we have to endure rich English-types being snobs and the waitstaff gossiping as they wash plates for nearly 1.5 hours. then, there was some "amusement" when one waiter got back at somebody by intentionally dropping coffee in their lap.

i lived in the UK for a brief period of time and can decipher various accents, but since the dialogue overlaps and is drowned out by other noise, it doesn't exactly help. what's the point in having a murder-mystery if you aren't at least going to let the audience figure out enough of what's going on so they can at least feel like they've engaged themselves with the story? i figure that most people who actually enjoy this movie are the same people who are on the lookout for ultra-trendy activities to impress their friends with (such as those who went out and stocked up on Pinot Noir after Sideways) and probably all went out to dinner murder/mystery parties after they saw this movie.

1 out of 3 people found the following review useful:
in and out of consciousness, 17 April 2005
2/10

Maybe I shouldn't write a review considering that I managed to absorb a total of 10 minutes of the entire film, but a friend of mine and I rented this one last night, and oh my god, i suffer from the world's worst insomnia, but i think i finally found the cure for it as i tried like hell to stay awake.

Even the tiny bits of the movie that i was able to see and comprehend were still enough on their own to overthrow "Sideways" as the most pretentious movie I have ever seen. And if that's not bad enough, the last thing the world needs is another movie about white guys who haven't achieved the level of President of the United States by age 28 and are whining endlessly about what it means and they make themselves feel better by having sex with everything that moves. At least Bridget Jones' Diary II which we saw prior to this movie had a scene where Bridget is sitting in jail and hears the stories of the other women and realizes that she is being unreasonable in her picky demands in life. I would love just one of these movies to end with a scene where the guys realize they are being stupid and they should grow up because there are much worse things in life.

It could be that i was already tainted because i didn't care to see the movie anyway. I heard it was bad, so i was surprised by the raves I found around here, but then again, there are probably a lot of people out there who feel like that.

1 out of 2 people found the following review useful:
i wished i was seeing Pirates instead, 13 July 2003

I had a bad feeling about this movie from the trailers. However, i discovered beyond the marketing campaign that the premise involves literary characters, so i assumed they were trying to make this movie look worse than what it was complete with the vin diesel XXX bad boy image.

I was right all along.

I know the innards of at least three of those characters well. Would the movie have been loads more interesting if Dorian Gray actually behaved like Dorian Gray? Not one witticism from that guy's mouth in two hours. Or what about if Mr Hyde, looking like the bald white guy version of the Hulk, did more than spew bad Schwarzenegger cliches for the last 30 minutes of the film? Tom Sawyer really serves the purpose of the American character in the film who can ensure wider distribution, and that's about it. They take a long, boring trip somewhere, doing a "so what are your special super powers?" exposition before they arrive somewhere and have the requisite and non-sensical explosion and bodycount scene. I can usually "get" the plot, but a lot of this had me scratching my head and figuring out only half of what they were doing after mission was accomplished.

Not that i haven't seen worse, but be prepared to be bored in some slow parts.