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Did Nikolaj Arcel have nude photos of Harvey Weisman...?
21 October 2017
Warning: Spoilers
... how else did he get to make this junk?

Seriously though, (Well, OK I was serious in my title.) I did not take my own advice and paid $20 for The Dark Tower on iTunes and my wife and I watched it to night. Arcel owes me my $20 back.

First off they took stuff from pretty much all of the books. Including THE PLOT of the LAST ONE. (WTH?) It opens up with the Breakers shooting blasts at the the tower, i.e., the last book, which is like The Fellowship of The Ring opening with the reforging of Narsil. Totally disjointed and not thought through. It all leads me to think that Mr Arcel never bothered to even read the source material.

As a stand alone movie you could say it was a film "inspired by" the book series. But even then it is very disappointing. One serious pet peeve is the guns. They are double action in the movie. Not the cowboy single six's of the books. And there are a few times they are pulled them out and you hear the cocking sound... but they are not cocked. Which is just stupid.
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I want my $14 back.
5 February 2017
Special note: Turn on the CC otherwise you will not understand half of the whispered dialogue.

Wow. Just wow this film went nowhere.

After throwing away my disk of "The New World" I guess I should have known better. Visually stunning if scientifically laughable, this film felt like an ego piece designed to evoke an emotion. And there it works so long as they wanted "regret at viewing."

Great acting by the kids aside, the film had almost no plot. And if it did, it was lost in a sea of 1800s Christian music and borderline child abuse by the character of the father. Add to this incoherent editing and I left confused about who was who and what they were even doing.

How this got nods by the academy is beyond me. Wait for netflix or some other nearly free service and have a good bottle of wine ready so you can at least have something to be happy about after waisting your 2+ hours.
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Boring.... uggh...
6 December 2013
(No Spoilers)

As with many a straight to iTunes release, Live at the Foxs Den fails to impress. It takes a bit more than an impressive (maybe) singing voice to bring this film alive: story line with out clichés and a believable plot for two. And though I am sure somewhere somehow a lawyer quit his job to be an lounge singer, this one does not even pass the believability test suspend my disbelief.

That said, Elliot Gould was VERY convincing as the alcoholic father figure and any of the Murray brothers are fun to watch. But as a whole, wait for this one to come on late night TV.

Save your cash.
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Melancholia (2011)
Horribly boring film that even a nude Dunst can't uplift.
16 December 2012
Warning: Spoilers
This was another example of the trailer being way better than the film.

Opening up on a wedding that takes up half the runtime, Melancholia can not seem to move itself past the chronically depressed Dunst to get to any real story telling. I have to applaud Dunst's performance, she totally infects the viewer with the depression her character suffers from.

This would be fine should it not be served with a helping of utter boredom and lack of character development. I don't think we ever get any back story for her or anyone else. Just that she is getting married, and she is chronically depressed, and acts like a child who desperately needs a nap.

My advice? Recored it on DVR and fast forward to the cgi scenes and Miss Dunsts laying on the rocks.
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Horrible direction not saved by good acting.
26 July 2010
Yea this was a waste of time. Though Paddy Considine did a fairly good job of bringing some life to the film via some decent acting, the overall pace and unbelievable plot aspects keep the film on a downward spiral ending in a climax more of a whimper than a bang.

Of note is the lackadaisical way in which this adaptation took key elements of the novel and pretty much left them in the book. And as mentioned above, the lack of believability in certain scenes ruined the suspension of disbelief of this reviewer. Examples (spoiler free) are of characters acting how no one ever would, police behaving moronically, and the sensation that Paddy's character is so much a whip that he deserves anything he gets.

My advice, don't wast any money on this one.
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A really good thriller, then... fail!! (Spoilers Below!)
18 October 2009
Warning: Spoilers
Look at it this way, what if in 300 King Leonidas in the last scene jumped out, tripped, and fell on his spear? That is what happens in this one.

A really good thriller but fails in the end when the super smart bad guy (Butler) does some very out of character things. It had a great all but the last 5 to 10 minuets. Then in the last few scenes, he misses key details and uses a conventional way to try to kill off city hall. What happened to the uber tech that Clyde was building? What happened to the Hans Gruber'esk bad guy genius? Sorry... fail!

After sitting through a really good first 90 minuets of Butler outsmarting and out playing the semi-crooked ADA (Fox), Butler suddenly and inexplicably resorts to a suitcase bomb full of eventually gasoline to try to blow up city hall. Also, again after time and again being one or even ten steps ahead, Butler then completely misses that cops etc have been in his lair and moved all kinds of item around. This would be like Batman not knowing someone had been in the Bat Cave, and the film failed at that point. For me, it lost something when the super smart lost out by becoming common in the last scene of the last act.
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Knowing (2009)
Wow, was that stupid......
7 July 2009
Warning: Spoilers
Impressive effects! Great cast! Wow how stupid!!!

Carl Sagan (or was it Hawking who said it?) said he hated movies where aliens using more energy than people produce in a decade save a few humans when they have the obvious technology to save the whole thing. This is that movie!

Seriously how stupid was it? Kind of like the end of Dark City, a good potential gets ruined by stupidity and poor writing. The effects were pretty amazing and it was nice to see NYC get burned to the ground. NC did a good job as the caring father as well. I cant fault the cast at all. As with most of my reviews, and I understand that I only write them when mad, I fault the director and the writer for this drivel. Hopefully, unlike myself, you all will either pass on this or netflix it so you are spared the pain of realizing you spent good money on it....
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Blindness (2008)
Should be called "Extraordinary Garbage"
11 February 2009
God this could have been so good and turned out so bad.

Acting was horrible with "blind" characters obviously reacting to with their eyes to events and to each other. Directing? Non existent. Story, unbelievable and just down right insulting.

A blind gunman? Come on...! People sent to a hell hole and not one family member ever shows up to look for their son or daughter etc? Insulting.

But still, a blind gun man...??? I cant help but decry this as perhaps the worst film since Attack of the Killer Tomatoes.

Director Fernando Meirelles next movie is called "Extraordinary Garbage" which is about all I can say about this one....
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How is this winning any awards?
29 January 2009
Woody Allen appears to be on automatic pilot on this film. For all his grace behind the lens I only got the briefest of chuckles from VCB and spent the majority of the movie looking at the scenery and trying to catch a key grip in the shots.

Seriously boring and extremely under acted, it was hard to get in to a film where a majority of the characters are not very sympathetic and, personally, you would not mind seeing hit by a cart of olives before the second act. And of particular regret were several scenes where pretty funny comedy could have been pulled off but were left falling flat. It was as if Allen was distracted while writing and lost his train of though. Caping it all off were the main characters almost sleep walking through the script and revealing nothing of the great actors they are.

Serious Allen fans may enjoy this film, but for the rest of us I recommend his older stuff... or perhaps some Star Trek reruns... as opposed to this snoozer. Wait for it on a movie station for free.
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First 20 min was good, then it got just stupid.....
13 December 2008
Warning: Spoilers
How do Hollywood executives look at a script this bad, or worse, post production rough cuts, and decide to keep throwing 10s of millions of $$ at a project? I mean really, this thing started off really well. I few plot holes and stuff that bugs the scientist out there, but forgivable. But then you add in a kid who ANY of us would just have hit at about 6 points, a 1000 year old (at least) alien who falls in love with humanity after only a few decades, an all powerful robot that has about 3 minuets of screen time (?????), and an ending... well... sort of an ending as it just sort of stopped and the credits rolled, and you have a recipe for flat out disaster. And I bet it will be if not already.

If you have cable or sat wait for it for free on HBO, or spend $5 on it at wall mart when it hits the bargain bin in March.

I am sorry, but looking at Scott Derrickson (directors) previous movies, you have to wonder who in Hollywood opened their wallet for this in the first place.
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"I want my two hours back" or "How does Ewe Boll still get money to make movies?"
3 December 2008
Ewe Boll, the director, must have naked pictures of some big finance people in Hollywood to still be making movies because as others here said, had I known he directed it, I would have skipped it all together. But they do not tell you that in the previews often and all I saw were the dazzling array of great actors. But actors are often the product of great direction and great writing. This movie lacked both. If I were Jason, or John, or Kristen, or Bert, I would gladly give back my fee and even a little extra to have every copy of this go the way the George Lucas wants the Star Wars Holiday Special to go. (I.e., with a sledge hammer!)

It is sad how much I wanted this move to be great! Some of the back ground shots, the cgi, is amazing. The trailer pretty much has all the best scenes in it and they are only so good when taken out of context of the awful before and after scenes. In the end, what a waste. I and I am sure most of the crew would like two hours or several months of our lives back.
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HORRIBLE Song! Good Bond, but not the best and a few plot holes.
20 November 2008
Warning: Spoilers

A few notes:

  • Every one has been panning the opening song as the worst Bond theme-song ever. I tried really hard to like it, but failed. It was AWFUL! What ever happened to having serious singers do the song written by serious writers? Director must have owed this lot money....

  • I literally held my breath during at least two of the chase scenes. But why no "special features" on the Austin? Hell, bullet proof doors are not even on Q's level. I can have them on a Yugo for about $500.

  • Using an ecoterrorist as your villain is a bit of a stretch, but they did a fairly good job, I guess. I'm still not clear on what he was trying to do with the water... just doesn't click with me.

-Overall I didn't care for it too much, but I did go in with high expectations, probably hoping for another Casino Royale...

  • I would recommend the movie, but it's not the best of the genre. Still, if you remotely like Bond, so see it. You won't be disappointed. Didn't have the class of CR, or the plot, or girl, just doesn't really compair to it I don't think.

-Btw, why didn't the director of CR come back for this one? I think he would have been a much better choice. It seems EON or whoever always will have a decent or flat out amazing Bond movie... and follow it up with something less.
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The Worst of Robert
5 May 2008
Horrible is about all I can say about this one. And I have always loved films directed by Robert Redford!

To begin with, it just felt like a Michael Moore film. Almost an ultra left wing commentary on current events. Problem with that is, a year away and the movie is just not topical any more and more and more dated by the month if not by the day.

As a military man it is also not accurate in the military scenes. This always sends me into a tail spin but with this movie I think he military adviser must have fought in the revolution with as bad as his advice obviously was.

I could say more but I will not bore you with it. Only this warning to RENT this and don't buy it. Save the $20 and only spend $5. If any at all.
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10,000 BC (2008)
Maybe they should have picked a better year!
7 March 2008
Warning: Spoilers
9,998 BC could not have been as sucky as 10,000 BC

Did that suck or what?

Wow, that blew!!!! Some flat out amazing effects and no story that made any sense at all. Even some of the sets looked like all those planets that Capt Kirk beamed down to in the 60's. The effects, as said, are pretty incredible. But with more plot holes than a colander, and a few REALLY bad effects, they are not enough to hold my attention. I actually found my self wondering what was on in the theater next door. Another example would be the shot at half speed fight scenes. Some if not many it appeared very obvious that they had been sped up, and that sort of thing just kills the suspension of disbelief. And the obvious, "I can do better than 300 by hitting the god king with the spear" ending was so predictable as to make the last of the movie not even worth watching . I am amazed that test audiences did not complain bitterly about it.

It is one of those movies that the preview was way better than the film

And how hard could it have been to find a girl with blue eyes to play the girl with blue eyes anyway???

I could go on but, ouch, Roland must have naked pictures of half of Hollywood to be able to get the money to make this stuff.
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Knight Rider: Knight Rider (2008)
Season 1, Episode 0
How can they make this stuff so bad?
17 February 2008
Warning: Spoilers
How can they make this stuff so bad? I mean when was anyone going to drive the car?

Alright, no more spoilers. This show had potential. It did! People love gadgets like KITT and may people that liked the old original series would have flocked to see this just as they did Battlestar Galactica. And had a hard hitting show been made it would have been just as much a hit.

But no, instead, a virtual cartoon of a kiddy show was made instead which had no surprises, was not exciting, and frankly, had cheesy special effects to boot.

I am sorry ladies and gents, but even the original in all its dated glory is better than this 2 hour commercial for Ford.
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Sunshine (2007)
Cool effects but dumb yucky editing / directing choices. "The Core" in space.
9 September 2007
Warning: Spoilers
I expected so much more with this one. I suppose I could say it was "The Core," but dealing with the sun and be close to the truth of it. Or another summery would be "a bunch of people go crazy for the second time trying to save mankind from the impossible...?" But as to why I really got disgusted was the abundance of plot holes and the poor choice in filming methods. Honestly, when ever they showed the crazed burnt captain of the first ship, I thought the film was breaking in the projector. I actually looked back towards the projection booth twice!! Talk about a poor way to hide the monster! Don't they fire cinematographers for that? I mean even in Alien and Jaws you see the monster un bleared and un stuttered at some point! Plot holes: How does a by deff smart Physicist who has just worn a space suit in the previous scene not remember that there is a radio in the suit? How does the super smart computer that runs the ship not double check the flight engineers math? (Heck Excel does that!) How does the super smart computer that runs the ship not think the sudden addition of a person on board not warrant mentioning until the end? Why would there not be space suits for everyone on board the ship? And I could go on for a while.

Sorry, but the holes piled up so quickly for me that the bottom fell out of the movie before the third act. That coupled with a filming technique that I can only call, unique, build a foundation of mud that I slowly felt sucked under and drowned. Positively yucky. "The Core" in space.
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P (2005)
A very good look at Bar Girl life with a ghost Story to boot. (Great Lead Actress!)
9 August 2007
For what has to be their first real acting jobs, the lead and supporting lead in this film are a shear joy to watch. I was consistently stunned in the way they handled themselves before the lens and the way I thought they bonded in their characters. They may hate each other in real life for all I know, but they sure seemed good friends in the film.

Back to the film itself. I thought "P" a rather good story with a clever insight in to the Bar Girl life in the Land of Smiles. Though perhaps too clean, the setting and the mannerisms of the locals and their foreign western tourists was spot on. The Director has been criticized for making a dumb or amateurish film and this is unfair. This film, made with a low budget, is excellent in its use of the Thai language and customs that is not often seen in films with much larger budgets. (Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason comes to mind.) Personally I liked it. And what the Director may have lacked in a budget or a shooting schedule, he made up for with expert actresses and wonderful performances. 8 out of 10
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Miami Vice (2006)
Mann lost it on this one.
31 July 2006
Warning: Spoilers
Saw it tonight; my take:

Casting: About the best I have seen of Ferrell since Minority Report. I was actually amazed that they made him look a lot like a young Don Johnson.

Barry Henley for Castillo though…. God he sucked. The Lt I loved was 1/2 Ninja and 100% cold bad ass good guy of few words. And when he spoke, you would have thought God was talking. Sadly, this Castillo was in too tight a shirt and was about to choke half the time. How did he get cast for that part? Mann MUST have lost a bet.

Elizabeth Rodriguez as Gina had the best scene in the whole movie, when she shot the Nazi. And it lasted 10 seconds and she was the baddest character in the show. Too bad it was only 10 seconds... my hopes raised but got dashed. The movie never got back to that high point.

Foxx… err… I still cant get past his Living Color days to take him seriously. And there was next to no chemistry between him and Ferrell. I kept expecting him to tell a joke.

Setting: It was said before, the was not Miami Vice, this was "-anywhere- Vice" The movie could have been set in LA, NYC or heck, Cairo!

Presentation: Where was the great epic gun fight we came to love in Heat? It was too dark and I had not a clue what was going on. I mean Switek is in the middle of the bad guys and they barely even notice him when the shooting starts. Then in the middle he just sort of vanishes?? What gives?? Bad editing and bad filming. And where was Sonny's Brenn 10?!?!?

All and all I blame the Mann. I give it 2 out of 10 stars. Mostly because I have so loved MM in the past that this destruction of a beloved memory by bad acting, bad casting, and non existent direction really hurts. Mann had a sure fire block buster and he will doubtless make some money but as for me I want my $10 back. Mann, how could you ruin Miami Vice like that?
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Alexander (2004)
Somebody must've lost a bet. (Spoilers)
1 January 2006
Warning: Spoilers
This movie blew. I don't know how but I assume that Oliver Stone must have nude photos of some Hollywood big wigs to have gotten this film made.

Irish Accents? Drug induced colour sky's in fight scenes? And ignoring perhaps one of Alexander's most recounted feats (The Gordian Knot.), all add to make this bomb not only forgettable but down right bury-able.

Even master actors like Kilmer and Hopkins are hopelessly out outclassed by a useless and dumb script and inept directing. Yes Alexander was likely gay as a $3 bill, and that I don't have a problem with, it is just that IMO Colin Farrel's acting ability is worth about that much too that kills me.
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Good thing I was cutting my toe nails...
23 July 2004 at least something productive came from watching this.

I did like the use of chiaroscuro and reflection by the director, but a little less of it would have made more sense and made me less confused. Seriously there were times I had to back up to see what it was I was supposed to see. Also it is goof to see that Hailey Berry can in fact act well. She was the best part of the film but that does not say much as there was not much else to do. In all reality, this movie stunk as no one died quick enough and no one that was related to anyone who died seemed to upset about it when they did.

Sean Coomes in the start of the film is about the best part of the movie... well, except for Ms. Berry being nude.
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Catwoman (2004)
Somebody must've lost a bet. (No Spoilers)
21 July 2004
There ARE talented people in Hollywood. It is just too bad none of them worked on this movie...

Saw it at a press showing. Seriously this movie shows that a little perspective goes a long way. I cant say it better than when the MSN review wrote, "We were worried when we heard one-named Frenchman Pitof, whose sole credit is the Gerard Depardieu stinker "Vidocq," was directing this $100 million adaptation of the DC Comics icon. But true fear set in when we saw pics of Halle in the most ridiculous costume since Elvis hit Vegas (come on, no self-respecting superhero kicks ass in open-toed shoes)." And it does not stop there. The acting was poor and the stunts a little (lot) on the dumb side. The few that look like actually people, other than CGI, has CW jumping in flats but then stepping out in heals. AD and Continuity guy need to find new jobs. (Also the bowling ball -esk helmet actually got a laugh out of the audience.)

I can only think is that Pitof must have naked pictures of the execs at Warner Bros. to get so expensive a directing job. I predict that it will have enough star appeal and sex appeal to go to #1 or #2 in its first weekend, then drop about 70% in sales after all those that do not read my review come to the same conclusions as I did. IE, DVD in two months and then to the $.89 bin in time for Christmas .

For a review..... "Time would be better spent clipping your toenails than watching this."
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Man on Fire (2004)
Good start, really dumb ending, gread kid!!!
27 April 2004
Warning: Spoilers
Ok I gotta say this, working with the right kid is priceless and in this case, little Ms Fanning is amazing !!! Mr. Washington is his always great in the part and does his best with a poorly worked ending. You can tell he and Ms Fanning had a real on screen bond and that makes for the best parts of the film.

(Warning; Spoilers Below)

Summery; DW looses believability and painfully obvious, post "test audience" added final scene makes ending look dumber

Sadly, the film fails in the action and the decisions the DW's character makes. After claiming to be ruthless in his pursuit of the kidnapper/murderers he is surprisingly lenient on the women he meets. They are just as guilty as the men but his torture and killing is limited to only the men and the women get off with little more than a big cussing.

In the end, his final act is also pitiful in regards to the action of the start. It almost seemed to me the writers gave up on the story as DW's character just lets him self be captured with no struggle whatsoever.

And just before the credits role, there is a scene out of nowhere that just has to be an add on after the original ending tested very poorly. In short, after DW dies riding in the back of a car, there is a BW fade of the big bad guy being shot in the head by a cop. Absolutely out of nowhere and looks to be an addition to give the file the little bit of closure it did not even have before.
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Unfaithful (2002)
Yuck. I wish Lyne would come up with a "new" idea!!!
30 May 2003
All of the Lyne trademarks from his other movies are here. Couple with a "perfect" life. (Why would you mess it up?) A really cute kid. (Who should have had more screen time and was the best part of the film.) Cool scene with the pet. A psychotic love/cheat interest. And a REALLY DUMB attempt to hide the affair.

Fatal Attraction was better, as it was the first time Lyne filmed this story.

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Red Corner (1997)
Really unbelievable. A impossible situation.
30 May 2003
In stunk. I felt that I was in a white washed version of the world. It was really bad. The plot was a good start but the actions of the characters belie that no one did any real research into China. I think the movie was made only to allow RG to get a slightly misguided though maybe noble political expression out.
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