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The Legend of Tarzan (2016)
Barbie Syfy Tarzan
Worst gorilla CGI ever, Borderline Syfy channel, and a rip off from Planet of the Apes. Tarzan is a male version of Sheena, too clean and neat looking. The blond hair looks as if Tarzan just came out of a bang novel from Barbie. A disgusting joke below the belt is served by an African American, as usual, which is somewhat racist if you think about it. There is absolutely no skin shown on women, but quite a bit of men - especially Tarzan. Total objectifying men with unrealistic role models. Tarzan as a young boy is running around naked covered in mud, so no actual nudity is actual shown. The story is very weak and you feel as if you just wasted nearly two hours of your life. Overly predictable with no real element of suspense. Disney could have done so much better than Warner bros. did with this version of Tarzan.
Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015)
Expensive special effects B-movie
Why spend money on watching the Avengers: Age of Ultron? It's a completely unoriginal story, a waste of time and a total rip-off from Transformers, Iron Man and the first Avengers movie. The action scenes happens way too fast and often, an obvious attempt to cover up a week screenplay. Sad to say it also mocks people standing up for clean language Captain America's famous line "Language!" kept getting a lot of heat from the obnoxious Iron Man. Speaking of Iron Man, they might as well have called this movie Iron Man 4 it's all about him and his major blunder of creating artificial intelligence apparently there are not enough villains in the world, so let's invent our own. If you're looking for an awesome sequel with same integrity (clean language) then Avengers: Age of Ultron is not for you. Just watch the first Avengers movie again, or Captain America 1 and 2 the action is basically the same.
We Bought a Zoo (2011)
Worst movie of the century
I feel so manipulated after watching this movie, they push all the right buttons to make you cry just to kick you in the teeth later. As much as I tried to hold back the tears I couldn't, but that doesn't mean this movie is a family movie at all. While watching the movie I thought I might have made a mistake regarding the rating, I thought it was rated PG (nothing to worry about language wise) but damn was I wrong - it was rated PG, although it should have been rated PG13. I cannot explain how surprised I was when I heard the little innocent little girl in the movie say the word "dick" out very loud... what the what! And while no mother need fear that the day will never come when a little boy will use the word "cunt" or "pussy" in a PG movie, many seem to have gotten so used to hearing women and teenage girls using the "d" word that it's now time to have 7 year old girls say it. The movie was totally ruined after this and my wife and I walked out of the theater. I don't even care how great Matt Demon was acting, or any of the other actors for that matter - this is the kind of movie you should be ashamed to buy, as ashamed as if you were buying a porno movie! I'm so disappointed and ashamed to be an American, knowing that a movie like this spreads around the world.
Better than The Squeakquel...
To begin with, the G rating is all wrong - this is a PG movie, but obviously and attempt to lower the G movie standards as they did with PG movies 20 years ago. I originally gave this movie 3 stars, but changed it to 4 just because I actually like those little furry guys - it's not really their fault that the writers, producers and directors made a couple of BIG mistakes during this movie. In a G movies there IS NOT supposed to be suggestive remarks or anything below the belt of ANY kind and there was three of those: #1 Dave gets hot coffee spilled on his crotch. #2 Alvis shouts "My acorns!" #3 Zoe says "I just gotta wrap up my balls." As mentioned in another review - Zoe is the worst character and a mental case rip off from Cast away... they really blew it there, but she can dance! As also pointed out in another review - too MUCH singing with those squeaky high voices and in the wrong places. All in all the movie is okay, a bit corny and nothing I would buy on DVD. The first Alvin and the Chipmunks was original and they actually but some thought into the script, after that it went downhill with The Squeakquel where the humor was so out of place, especially with below the belt violence in the end. Chipwrecked may be a wreck, but better than the Squeakquel by far. Too bad, with a G rating I was hoping it was safe to take my girls to the movie theater - guess not.
Gnomeo & Juliet (2011)
What a shame!
"Is his... big and pointy?" asked the frog. "A squirrel dropped his nuts." said Juliet. The frog added "The nuts where the size of boulders." How does this pass as entertainment for our children, I was disappointed to say the least - I guess these days pedophiles are writing the family movies. Why did I say pedophile? Simply cause the double meaning jokes are too disgusting, but mostly cause the jokes are a sick attempt to make todays children as perverted as the people who wrote Gnomeo and Juliet. If a pedophile was in your garden, talking dirty to your child, you would ask him to leave. Without the below-the-belt jokes the movie would have been okay I suppose, although I'm not a big fan garden gnomes. Furthermore, Gnomeo and Juliet is a pale copy of Toy Story, no where near as good.
Baby's Day Out (1994)
The things they make babies do...
I would have given "Baby's Day Out" a zero rating if possible, cause the humor is worse than awful and the movie will surely put your child in an uncomfortable situation. Violence is a big part of this movie and a lot of it takes place below the belt. The baby not only burns the bad guy's groin, but the baby also put his hands on the bad guy's crotch and twists it... yikes! In another scene the baby kicks one of the bad guys in the groin... What's up with that?! No baby should ever have this much contact with a man's groin in a movie, much less in real life. How many would find any of this funny if the bad guy was a woman and a baby inflicted this much pain on the female genitals or breast?? Sorry to say, but pedophiles are everywhere, even in movie-making, and their main objective is to gradually introduce your children to acts of perversion. So ask yourself this - Would you let a pedophile into your home?
10,000 BC (2008)
10,000 % Awesome
I was close to rating this movie a 9, but decided to go with 10 for excellent - It's action at it's finest with a touch of magic! It's a movie you gotta see on the Big Screen, or in your home theater. Roland Emmerich, my old buddy, did it again and created a movie with far out special effects and very lifelike mammoths. 10,000 BC may not be historically accurate, but worthwhile watching many times over. You can't help but getting drawn into this film and feel part of it, hoping the little guy will win. The violence is mild, not bloody and nothing below the belt, and the focus of the movie is to believe in yourself. Believe in yourself, keep searching for your true love and magic will lead the way.