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After Earth (2013)
Just a bad idea when you think about it
Alright, so in the distant future man is at war with an alien race that hunts by fear. Said alien race is close range and of course since it does hunt by fear could not see us if we were in say a tank, or vehicle of some kind. So, all we would need to take them out is vehicles or just simply a gun. We no longer have guns or use vehicles for war because... ummmm.... ya, there is no reason. Instead we use these really close range blades and go toe to toe with the things because, ummmm, ya we just do.
So, simply because man kind is really, really stupid we are losing a war against this alien race and have been forced into trying to ignore fear. This has made a race of people who try to ignore their emotions. Or at least this is what is suggested. Since we only really get to know Will and his kid, we only have them to go off of. But Will acts like a robot and he gets mad at his kid whenever he shows any emotion, so I'm going to assume they come from a very military based world that is very against open emotions. Interesting, maybe, but does it make a good movie? Well, in short you got this robot dad who doesn't want to feel emotions talking to his kid in a point form kind of way as the kid learns the value of being an emotionless robot so he can save his dad and himself from an abandoned Earth. So, you got two guys that show hardly any human like aspects and almost get killed for 90 min straight.
These guys hardly give a darn about their own lives. Why should I? It's almost impossible to relate to them or care about them. There is a part about mid way through where both of them start to break down and do start crying and stuff, but by then I already don't care. The movie just feels so blasted slow as a result. It's boring, it's just plain boring.
Plus the world turns to ice every night because...ummmmm...I'm sure there's some kind of reason.
Ya, you know, a lot of this movie had me questioning the logic. Can you blame me though? When the acting from the two leads is as bland as it was all you can really do is question the logic of the film.
3 out of 10, some cool space ships and a cool alien world at the start of the film that we hardly see. I would suggest not seeing it.
it's as wonderfully bad as you think it is
Oh boy, oh boy! Got this for free at the local library and it was well worth every penny. :) Yes, this is a movie with Lincoln running around with super human strength taking out vampires everywhere he goes with his trusty axe-gun! And yes, it is played 100% straight and the film makers seem to have no idea just how moronic this really is. As a result, this is a so bad it's awesome movie that is on par with such cheese fest as Jack Frost and Postal.
Oh my, where do I get started? Cons: 1. The action scenes are so over the top that it's insane. Specifically a stampede scene mid way through the film in which a vampire is tossing around horses as if they were rag dolls. Oh, you have to see this movie just for this scene.
2. Vampires can become invisible, but they sure do like becoming visible again to let Lincoln kill them. Actually, they never use this power in combat. They go out of site, pop back in site to let themselves be killed, and then wonder why they keep losing. Maybe if you actually stayed invisible, that would help. :) 3. As stated Lincoln has super strength but it only pops up once in the entire film and has no impact on the plot. It also of course makes no sense. Yahoo! The fact that his axe also happens to be a gun is just kind of there too.
4. Vampires can't harm each other for some reason...but yet at the end of the movie when the plot calls for it they can ignore that rule because for some reason...
5. The entire film just feels overly stylized in this very cartoon way. Think Batman and Robin only more CGI based.
The pros? Every bad thing comes together just right making this a moronic blast of a film. You'll laugh yourself silly at this train wreck.
Proper rating, 1 out of 10.
Rating based on how much fun you'll get out of it, 7 out of 10. :)
What could have been...
This has the same thing wrong with it that a lot of bad horror does. It tries to hard to be scary. Endless, cheap jump scares. Things redone from other films 100 times before that used to be scary but are now just warn out. And let's not forget a poorly made CGI bad guy. Yahoo!
I wish these main stream horror directors would just say screw you to being scary and actually try to tell a good story. But no, we got to add more run of the mill jump scares to this sucker.
Also, a scene rips off the game Fatal Frame.
There is also a lot of plot holes. The ghost for example is clearly a good one at the start of the film. It protected and cared for the two kids for five years straight and it killed one guy, a man that was about to kill them. Not actually evil there. But then she goes evil because...? Well the film suggests that she's jealous of the new parents. But if that's the case, why does she wait so long to strike? Her power seems endless at the end of the film. It would of been nice if she had a motive because you can't simply say she's evil due to her literally saving the kids lives. Oh, and did I mention she spends most of the film trying to find her lost baby only to destroy the things bones? Why? Beats me. It's just random.
The Annabel character also makes no sense. Yes, I get it, she doesn't want to be a mother, but why does she have to act so distant and mean towards the kids? Just cause you don't want to be a mother doesn't mean you should randomly act like a dick towards some kids you just met. She has no reason to act this way. Sure, she comes to care for them by the end(for unclear reasons) but by then I, the viewer, already see her as a dick.
There are only two good things about this. Isabelle Nélisse acting was very impressive with how she moved and acted like an animal. It was so off, but interesting. And the dream scene, which is wonderfully over stylized.
This could have been so, SO much better as the idea of two kids being raised in the wild and then having to live a normal life can be made into such an interesting story. Read The Room to see what can be done with an idea like this. Instead, screw that original and thought provoking idea, let's slap some random scary ghost in it! BOO!
3 out of 10. Don't bother.
A Good Day to Die Hard (2013)
He's in two car crashes and hit by a car all within the first 30 min
And, he has nothing to show for any of this. Ya, all these Die Hard films are over the top, but when John can be in two car crashes and be hit dead on by a car and has not been hurt a bit, it's like the guy is in Doom's God mode.
But, that's a really small issue over all. There are two main problems here. Number one, very bad camera work, making a few of the action scenes VERY hard to fallow. The car chase scene at the start for example, I think you would have to see it twice to get it.
The second issue is there is a mystery element. For most of the film you're not really sure what's going on. In fact the head villain does not reveal himself until the ending of the film. The cons of this is two fold, number one, it feels like there is no main bad guy until the ending of the film where he shows up, and two, since you don't know what's going on until well past the midway point, all the action scenes feel senseless and just there. Oh, we have to run from the bad guys because they are chasing us. Why are they chasing us? Ummmmm, I think it has something to do with some file, not sure. Oh, okay.
So, there's really no context for a lot of the stuff that happens. As a result, the action might be big and in your face, but it sure does feel bland.
There's a few stunning slow mow shots near the end and the ending itself when the bad guy shows himself is pretty good, but by then chances are the blandness of the film has put you to sleep.
Rent it if you're interested.
The ABCs of Death (2012)
Nothing else like it
26 directors all doing whatever they want for a straight 2 hours. The result is a massive, and I mean MASSIVE tribute film to every kind of horror flick there is.
Some of the shorts feel like splatter comedies like Dead Alive and Evil Dead 2(the short A comes to mind), while others seem like a run of the mill slasher like Friday the 13th(the short B comes to mind). Some are first person point of view, some are over the top exploitation, some are dark and disturbing. A couple are just random.
A lot of them have a twisted, childish sense of comedy, making this a great experience if you are seeing this with some friends and got some pop and chips. Actually, that's really the best way to see this.
The ending credit song, 'Horror Movie' is also an awesome song and a couple of the shorts like L and V are EXTREMELY well done.
If you are a horror fan and have seen quite a lot of the indie kind, then this is a must see.
Dahmer vs. Gacy (2010)
You can still make a so bad it's good movie
Well, this was the most badly made film that was oddly funny that I've seen since Postal. Dahmer and Gacy are cloned, break out, kill people, and a mad man sent by God hunts them down along with evil ninjas! This is a very cartoon like horror film, like a Japan splatter flick. Think a pretty tame version of robo-geisha.
Only here, half the kills happen off screen and we simply hear about them in news reports. Ya, that was kind of odd. Felt like the makers of the film were trying to slam media and news in general. Well, I guess it is fair to nit pick current news, but when the smartest thing you can present for your own side of media is a girl screaming the f word for no less then ten minutes or Dahmer raping a guy to cheesy love music, you don't really have that much to complain about.
You will get a few laughs, but all and all, this obviously is a very poor movie. Best part of the flick was God.
I would suggest it for a dumb movie night with friends.
Silent Hill: Revelation (2012)
The worst sequel since Mortal Kombat: Annihilation
This, this was pretty bad.
The biggest flaw in this is that it's clearly trying to be more faithful to the games, which the original film wasn't really. The original kind of set up its' own world and its' own rules.
The problem here is all the spots that are more faithful to the games, go against plot points of the first film. As such, it contradicts the film and makes it into a confusing mess.
Now, the only Silent Hill game I played was Shattered Memories, which I admit was pretty good plot wise, but it was a puzzle game, and I always get stumped in them, so I haven't really hunted down the rest of the games.
It's still clear though what parts fit with the games, but they make no sense here. For starters, the first film made it clear the only reason the cult lived for so long after the town was set on fire was because they were hiding in the church. But, at the end of the film the evil broke into the church and killed them all. They were all dead, which the film made very clear. And even if they weren't, there was nowhere left to run to or hide. They were screwed. Here they are still alive, just because. It ignores the entire ending of the first film.
Further more, now the cult is trying to bring forth an evil God. Sure, it was likely doing this in the game, but since when was it doing this in the movie's world. The cult from the first film would have burned to death everyone in the cult from the second film for trying to do such a thing. They were extreme Christians, bringing forth a demon God doesn't really fit with their goals.
And on-top of that, in the first one the film was unclear if the girl had powers and the demons were her doing, or if the Devil had really come forth to claim the town's souls. You could read the film in different ways. Here, oh, Alessa has super powers, it's all her doing. It's all spelled out and you feel like you are being talked down to.
All the characters talk in point form, most only existing to dump plot points. The first 40 min feels like nothing but exposition. The film keeps telling us the plot point for point instead of showing us anything.
Also, why was the key inside of the crazy guy? Was there any reason for that? One of the worst acted films I have ever seen, and I see a lot of Z grade films, so please, just stay away from Silent Hill.
The Cabin in the Woods (2012)
A instant classic, on par with Scream and the other greats
This film is stuffed with sly dark comedy, likable characters, a twisty turny plot that just gets more smart as it goes, some good gore, and some good jump scares.
The climax is a step shy of blowing you right out of your seat. It's so insane! I can't say what happens in the last 30 min, but it will blow your mind.
The main great thing of this film though is it takes old horror stereotypes and makes it that you love them. The stoner, the jock, the virgin, are all here. All of them are altered slightly though to make them more like real people and more like people you can cheer for.
Get ready to laugh your head one moment and turn away in fear the next. You've never seen a horror movie like this before, trust me.
An art house movie that shouldn't be an art house movie.
The problem with this movie is really an odd one and hard to explain.
Okay, art house is what this movie it. It is 100% theme and art based and does not make what said theme is clear. The plot and characters are ignored to help the symbolic value of the film.
That's fine. 2001 and Halloween do the exact same thing. No problem there.
The problem is though the plot is as fallows, a married couple trying to deal with the death of their child slowly fall apart and try in the end to kill each other. That means that the plot at its heart should be a character drama.
The problem is, the characters of this film aren't characters, but symbolic props used to make a comment. They don't even have names! This means that ALL of their actions are random(everything they do is only to help the theme and makes no sense plot wise). As such, they don't come off as real people.
The girl character attacks the man character for no reason. None. She just does so to do so. As such, you find the characters impossible to relate to and the entire film falls apart.
The end result is a film that feels slow and you can't connect with. Do to not connecting with it it's impossible to find the film disturbing or graphic. It only feels disjointed and pointless.
The only way one could enjoy the film is if they read a book before seeing the film saying what the theme of the film was. That though makes the film pointless. I would rather just read the book.
The Sorcerer's Apprentice (2010)
Really, really bad
This is really just a badly made film, but to go into detail, Nicolas Cage does his worst acting job to date(honestly, the guy can do a lot better). The CGI would have been impressive about 10 years ago, so special effects wise it just looks horrid.
The plot is beyond rushed. The first three minutes of film have about 40 minutes of plot line jammed into them! This makes it hard to get into the film, and because the thing is going through plot points like a machine gun the characters and the story itself is underdeveloped.
It tries painfully hard to be funny and falls on its face every time. The smartest things they can come up with are fart jokes.
The bad guys want to raise an army of the dead for no reason. Ya, the film is so rushed with its plot it doesn't even bother to give the villain a motive.
Lastly, the film tries to explain away magic with science that will make any sci-fi fan cry.
Over all, this is simply a badly acted and made film, and oh ya, the sound track is terrible.