Change Your Image
Upload An Image
Crop And Save
Justice League (2017)
More generic throwaway superhero droning
God this movie sucked. This one's yet another dose of the most generic superhero crap. Seriously, what's the appeal at this point? Basically it's a bad clone of The Avengers, which imho was already a very mediocre movie. Completely overpowered, cardboard, cartoony characters, over-reliance on poorly done CGI, generic villain, zero real struggle or drama, and the same story as every single one of these movies. Here, I'll spoil the entire thing for you. See if you had a vague inkling of what this was going to be like:
"Generic villain #132 tries to use the (all spark, no I mean tesseract, no I mean infinity stone, no wait, it's) mother box McGuffin to try to destroy the world while wise-cracking one liners, forcing our heroes to overcome their differences and band together to defeat him and save the day while cracking crappy jokes, thereby destroying any tension that might have existed."
Sound familiar? Notice how I can describe the entire plot of the movie without telling you anything you didn't already know just from the fact that this is a superhero movie from the 2010s. Does it even count as a spoiler? I'm not so sure at this point. Tries to be dark and brooding but fails miserably, because they can't make up their mind and peppered the whole thing with jokes that almost all fall flat. As always in this genre-decade-combo, everything is so epic as to be reduced to bland visual noise that plays on people's two second attention span, but fails to invoke any real sense of danger or drama at any point. There is barely any story telling at all. What little remains is forgettable and plays essentially no role in the movie. They try to create conflict in some of the characters but then make the conflict so easily overcome as to be immaterial. To create some drama, as a placeholder for the perils that all of humanity faces, there's just a random nameless poor Russian family that finds itself repeatedly accosted by the big bad guy for some reason. It doesn't work because we have no connection to this family at all. It's just a set of briefly seen nameless faces substituted for the faceless masses that are really supposedly at risk. The dialogue is moronic (particularly the technobabble), but then what else is new. The story is utterly predictable. Some of the camera work and cinematography didn't totally suck, but who could tell, since everything seems to be CGI (and it's not particularly convincing). There is literally nothing new here. It's so generic and forgettable that I could have not watched this and remembered more of it than I do now. I typed this review during the epic last battle and missed nothing at all. How are people not hating this utter feces? It's not even good enough to be bad. It's just nothing. This gets a 7/10 on IMDB now. Blegh. Screw that. 4-/10 at the very most, and that's me being very generous. What movie was this again? I've already forgotten I watched it while the credits are still playing.
The Dark Tower (2017)
A textbook example of how to screw up a multi-book epic
Stephen King has some hits and some misses, but the DT series is definitely some of his best work (I think It is still my favorite, but it's close). It's an 8 book epic (counting the Wind Through The Keyhole) plus a few short stories, and he paints a very interesting world that is part western, part post-apocalyptic science fiction, part Arthurian legend, part horror, and part weird abstract mysticism. The journey is pretty epic, and each book brings something new and interesting to the table. So far my favorites are Wizard and Glass and The Gunslinger. Had they chosen to make that first book into a slow burn fantasy drama I am sure it could've made a really interesting movie (though admittedly it would probably require a seasoned director and it could easily become a confusing mess). But of course, that is exactly what they didn't do.
In fact, I think they basically sum up most of the first book in two throwaway lines. It's a complete waste of a very interesting book. They then do pretty much the same thing to the rest of the multi-thousand page work, by proceeding to take the bits from the other books that might be the most appealing to audiences with short attention spans everywhere, and throwing them all together in a giant pile of quasi-incoherent garbage. I can't imagine that King liked this adaptation. Pretty much nothing remains that resembles even the spirit of the original work. The few bits and pieces that are semi-recognizable feel more like poorly executed fan service than like integral parts of the story. They call it a "continuation" of the book series, but that's complete nonsense too since it's about how Jake and Roland meet and go on a quest to save the tower/kill Walter.
The movie is told from Jake's perspective, which is another huge mistake, made in an obvious attempt to fish for cash by catering to a teen and YA audience. Since they threw out the original story entirely, they try to give him a new and interesting introduction, but they fail even at that. Mostly that is because the movie is a giant pile of half-finished ideas from the books that they don't have the time to execute well. Only the most minimal explanation is given for any of the things that happen during the movie, and all of the important events are dealt with in an absurd hurry. For example, the word beamquake is mentioned but there is no explanation of what the beams are, let alone any concept of a journey that follows the path along the beam. Convenient portals are everywhere. At one point, Roland figures out Walter's location, and when it is pointed out that it's about a 6 month journey, his response is basically "how about we take a shortcut?". This feels like a moment completely lacking in self-awareness because that is how this entire movie feels.
In the books, Jake has to get over his own death, twice, once at the hands of Roland, and it nearly drives them both insane, but also helps solidify their bond. In the movie, there is none of this, and we are instead presented with another one of these clichéd chase scenarios where it is now Walter pursuing Jake.
In the book, Jake and his future friends almost die when trying to (allow him to) cross over. In the movie, he just tells the house demon "let me go" and he's pretty much safe, courtesy of his unrecognized psychic superpower. He knows how to recite the gunslinger's creed before he's even heard it once and becomes a great shot and a gunslinger in two pulls of the trigger.
Gone is Roland's centuries long obsessive quest for the tower, his complex character, his backstory, and even some of his character traits (like his courtesy and patience). None of the other main characters from the books even make an appearance.
Almost none of the weird mysticism and disembodied horror remains, nor much of the idea of worlds unraveling and the boundaries between them eroding away. This is instead replaced by run-of-the-mill Hollywood-esque psy-powers, default reptilian monsters and mediocre looking mutants, with the tower just an empty McGuffin that could easily have been replaced by the Transformers' all-spark or the Avengers' Tesseract with zero change in the story or even feel of the movie. There is very little of the western feel left other than the fact that there are deserts and Roland uses a sixshooter.
The entire movie feels somehow small in scale. That's partially due to its length - with its 1:30h runtime it simply doesn't feel like a long journey - but also in large part due to the poor storytelling and even lack of impressive visuals. Even the special effects, while not terrible, are not all that impressive by today's standards. FX would not have cured what ails this film; not by a long shot. But the books do paint a vivid picture of Roland's world that could have been visually arresting. But they failed to do anything interesting with it at all. There's almost no world building and we only see a small glimpse of Roland's world, with about half the movie taking place in New York. Even the Tower just looks like a CGI rendering of a black Burj Khalifa. It all feels like an afterthought.
It's not even good if you don't compare it to the books. I'd say it's a 2.5/10 if you're a fan of the book series, and maybe a very small 5.5/10 if you don't know and don't care about the books and happen to like YA type action movies, but that's being very generous.
No no no.
Stop being mean to this movie people. It's not to be taken so seriously. Hell, it's the feel good movie of the year (well, that year anyway). Once every so many months you just need one of those movies that allow you to disable any functional part of the human brain, yet still make for an unspoiled evening. And for me, this is such a flick. If i want a good, original and coherent storyline i probably shouldn't be looking in the action movie corner anyway, and the ripoff/remake section isn't exactly keen on originality. But i don't give a mooh. Who cares if it's a no-brainer. Who cares if it's not your Godjira. It's fun, grab a few beers, you'll see.
Phone Booth (2002)
Much better than i had expected
Nicely done. Intense inner turmoil for our victim and main character in this movie. With just 10 days, a few skilled actors and one big street you can apparently do an effective job at creating something worthwhile. Makes me want to pick up a camera and make my own psych thriller. } :o)
The Straight Story (1999)
A moving (and slow at that), beautiful, very sentimental tale. When i watched this movie it made such an impression on me that i just had to have it. It felt like hearing the life story of my grandparents and getting an insight into their past lives (even though i'm fairly certain that in reality they had very little in common with Alvin Straight). Not your "average" over-the-top mind blowing David Lynch movie, but no less wonderful. This movie relativates. Not suitable for all tastes, but quite worth your time.
The Ninth Gate (1999)
The reason I loved this movie was it's gripping, mysterious atmosphere and cult-like feeling. I went to the cinema expecting to see a horror flick of sorts and was pleasantly surprised. The fact that it moves rather slow at times IMO adds to the feeling of the movie, but may be a downer to those with a short attention span. If you're into atmospheric movies watch this one. Not recommended for those that want nothing but action, special effects and/or blood and guts.
La Femme Nikita (1997)
Wonderful, great action and more
One of the best action series of our time, no doubt about it. The advantage of the series over the movie is that the expanded time frame gives more room for character development and expanded plotlines without sacrificing the attention payed to details. Intricate plots and subplots, good round characters, action, romance... I'm very sorry to have seen this one end. Probably my favorite series next to BtvS and Angel. Try Alias if you like this.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1997)
Simply put: got my vote for best show on TV.
Best show on television, and unlikely to be surpassed any time soon, unless perhaps (and not likely) by something else by the hands of Joss Whedon. Why do you ask?
OK, well first of all, this is a show that has it all. Comedy, fantasy, action, horror, epic battles, heroism, drama (lots of drama), great atmosphere, good acting, originality, surprising storylines, great soundscape (thank you Christophe Beck), and above all awesome Character Development. And therein lies the show's strength, but also the primary reason why some people slander it: the more you watch it, the better it gets. Corny as it sounds: you start to feel like you get to know the characters, feel for them, like they were real life people that you befriended a long time ago. Not many shows can do that, and not a single show can do it for me the way Buffy has. It's weird, but this obviously fictional show has some utmost realistic elements in it (watch the show up to and including episode The Body and you should know what i mean). I also believe that for this reason Buffy surpasses it's spin-off, Angel (though not by far). Unfortunately this also means that in order to appreciate the show fully you will have to watch it for quite a while, and have at least some appreciation for round character development (as opposed to the flat or slightly curved characters most shows will hand you). And of course it'll help if you can relate to the characters in terms of age and what comes with that. Still, I don't believe anyone who calls this show "overrated" or "crappy" or whatnot has seriously given it a shot. Well suit yourself, your loss.
I myself was sceptic when i first started watching Buffy. Turned to it primarily because nothing else was on. I'm not usually picky about my shows. Imagine my surprise when i found out this show actually had "quality" written in the fine print. Episodes such as (and I'll try to avoid spoilers here) The Body (wow, I was actually completely utterly shocked by that one, and i still get teary eyed and depressed every time i watch it, which is unique for a TV show), Hush (great, modern day fairy tale), Restless (grand, occasionally hilarious, atmospheric), The Gift (epic, dramatic), Chosen (again, epic) and so many others have led me to see this show for what it really is: TV the way all TV would be in a perfect-cinema world.
Groundhog Day (1993)
Great comedy concept
Great comedy concept, and perfectly executed at that. If you love repetitive feel-good movies with a sadistic twist, watch this one, over, and over, and over, and over.... If not, watch it anyway.
Anyone not too grossed out by this movie's splattery effects will have a joyous time watching it. Peter Jackson & Co. obviously put so much love into this that you just have to respect this all time gore classic. The bad acting, c-movie feel and over-the-topness of it all just add to the fun. One of my favorites.
Evil Dead II (1987)
Fun horrorfest with a twist
This movie was hilarious and immensely creepy at the same time. It's Blair Witch Pro with a gory comedy twist. Horror must have been invented for movies like this. A must see for fans of horror movies, and a high recommendation for all those others who have the stomach for it. When i watch this one i grab myself a martini and put on a happy smile. Weeeeeeeee!
Bad Taste (1987)
Feel good movie of the century
Four years of work, a budget that could buy you two rolls of toilet paper, and a crew with virtually no professional experience. But what this movie does have, different from most movies nowadays, is the love poured into it which seems to be trademarked to Peter Jackson. And that shows. Funny, culty, gory, but above all: sunny. Cheers!
Most intense Sci-Fi flick i ever saw
This is the first episode i saw of the alien saga, and still the most intense science fiction movie i ever saw. From early on in the movie to the very end it's totally nerve-busting. I remember seeing it as a 12 year old and being completely terrified. Awesome action, great special effects, good acting, great atmosphere, and some of the most terrifying monsters ever make this one of my all time favorites.