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unemployedvirgin

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60 reviews in total 
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Godzilla (2014)
3 out of 7 people found the following review useful:
WTF! Disappointed!!!, 7 September 2014
3/10

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

When the viral trailer hit YouTube a couple months back, this looked like one of the most promising films to watch in 2014. After having to sit through 2 agonising hours that statement couldn't be further from the truth.

As one reviewer said, "the film dies with Bryan Cranston" which is about 20 minutes in. You're left with such poor storytelling that revolves around a delusional doctor wanting to save a fat dinosaur. Honestly the creature and the child actor who plays Aaron Taylor-Johnson's son both suffer from severe retardation. Poor CGI work of Godzilla, with it's thunder thighs, narrow shoulders, midget arms and blue flamed fire breath. It pretty much looks the same as the old black and white renditions of the series....weak at best. The 1998 version sh*ts on this easily and that was what..16 years ago? I'm not even a fan-boy of this monster saga yet even me! the average movie goer can clearly see a stinker here.

If that wasn't enough, the prime focus of the movie then shifts to the most ridiculous looking monsters to ever grace the silver screen. Mutos......robotic looking, insect like, egg carrying and radioactive eating giant spider ants. The radiation element is just laughable, might as well add some krypton related references in the cinematography.

Honestly did they hire writers comprising of pre-school children to conjure this up? Then these inbred "things" duke it out for what seems like a never ending sloppy fight to the death. With the entire focus of the second half focusing on firing a nuke at these sea mutants, the damn thing never even goes off! Oh but the worst part is yet to come...

The film basically ends with Godzilla being PRAISED (of all things) for saving the day, in killing off the "spider-ants". The obese lizard then lumbers its way slowly back into the ocean and then...roll credits......WTF!!! I'm sorry but I was under the impression that a monster film revolves around...well...the monster being the antagonist not a bloody hero!

Poor choice of overall casting (Elizabeth Olsen looks like an anorexic 8 year old portraying a grown woman's PMS cycle every scene she's in). Predictable dialogue with the only two noteworthy quotes already shown in the trailer. Cranston & Aaron are the only two actors that keep this garbage afloat before it sinks like the turd that it is. Don't believe the hype, save your time/money for something worth your intelligence. With a sequel in the works I shudder to think what is coming next. Gareth Edwards...you sir are a f@gg0t.

2 out of 2 people found the following review useful:
Hit-man flicks never get old, 5 August 2013
8/10

Sly is still as good as ever in this fast paced action movie. The editing brings with it a 90s 'made for TV' style of storytelling. What I mean by that is; the continuity is at a neutral speed with an emphasis on wide camera shots accompanying little soundtrack scoring. An all around great cast of actors, nice to see Christian Slater in something watchable for a change. Triple A's character was awesome, and although Momoa gets type cast as the stereotypical big-man, he pulled off an entertaining performance.

Descent amounts of gore here & there and the overall plot - whilst cerebral in context provided scattered doses of comedy when needed. I found it worth watching, its amazing to see Stallone in such amazing shape for his age. If the rumours of a final Rocky movie are true, definitely something to keep an eye out for.

A made-for-TV-film, nothing more than a snooze-fest, 9 January 2013
4/10

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

Let's run down the key points: spooky religious fables, emotionally detached kids and distant adult relationships. These three components did have some potential but the execution of each was flawed from the start. Not remotely scary at all, and to think this started with online rumours via eBay should've told me how retarded things would turn out.

The viewing experience doesn't open itself up to something challenging and provocative. Instead the movie meanders between mundane social drama whilst attempting to insight gullible curiosity. The words 'Pandora's Box' do come to mind often. Turning what could've been something original into another recycled fan-boy's dream.

Predictable storytelling performed by a surprisingly good cast of actors. It's nothing that you haven't already seen before.

Max Payne (2008)
0 out of 1 people found the following review useful:
in cinema we have now entered the 'Vigilante Era', 14 December 2012
8/10

Having never played the video-games but heard of the title, this had been on my Watchlist for quite some time. Mark Wahlberg is a believable tough guy in this revenge fest set in an urban landscape. Really digging the comic book feel this movie had; it's as if the director and story-boarders really collaborated well to film each shot like a graphic novel. The blood splatters are almost artistic as the mystery antagonists slowly reveal themselves. I didn't really understand the connection with hallucinogens and Jack Lupino's murderous rampage. The focus on the drug infused states took away from the plot's premise overtime.

With that being said, the intricacy of the storyline is still there with a unique cast portraying interesting characters that compliment one another. It's definitely worth viewing.

0 out of 1 people found the following review useful:
a man's film for MMA fans, 14 December 2012
9/10

As a stand alone sequel, Undisputed 2 packs a punch similar to its predecessor. Although the title role of Iceman is changed, I felt Michael Jai White's performance was excellent for this film. No disrespect to Ving Rhames, but at his size a 300+ pound man would pull a muscle from throwing a couple sidekicks just for a montage training scene.

I liked how Jai White even mimicked Ving's personality traits in his voice delivery and overall performance, staying true to the protagonists routes. Scott Adkins really shined in this film though, the character of Yuri Boyka is now synonymous with a cult following for ''The Most Complete Fighter In The World''. Just YouTube Adkins' choreography for the Wolverine film and you'll see the dedication this stud has. Similar to Tom Hardy's approach of a physical actor, Scott bulked up for the role with a healthy enough body fat percentage to still pull off those signature back-flips.

Ben Cross deserves a lot of credit in the supporting role, reminded me of a slimmer Liam Neeson with his approach at playing Steven Parker. By now everyone has grown to love the soundtrack with its trademark music. What really enhanced the film's gritty look was the constant use of darker tones of blue and green throughout the prison. Creating the effect of a dark and dingy chasm that sets the perfect backdrop for controlled aggression.

This is a man's movie in my opinion, no girly emotional ties or cheesy romantic kisses, just Muay-Thai and Jujitsu for the win. Enjoyable film that promises bloody fights whilst trying to stay true to the martial arts. Only reason I didn't rate it a 10 was because I wanted there to be more gory action and profanity, but that's just me. Looking forward to viewing the 3rd instalment.

1 out of 3 people found the following review useful:
Too Hokey and Predictable, 11 December 2012
1/10

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

Had somewhat high hopes for this film from the trailer, thinking it would be a grainy found footage style flick. Yet here I am venting my disappointments at such a lack-luster of a wasted 90 minutes. This really looks like it was directed by a 10 year old fan boy who saw a few movies, scribbled a couple notes of what ''scares'' an audience and did an epic fail of releasing it to an educated public.

Every step of the way I could think out-loud exactly what would happen in each scenario. Where's the suspense? The gut-wrenching terror as advertised? Nothing sufficiently adds up as a convincing step towards a darker plot. Am I expected to be scared of mold & grout around the house? Really? ? ? Ashley Greene's character can only be described as MISS ESTROGEN for lack of better words. Without any back and forth character development I was routing for the couple to get butchered before the credits rolled! If anything that would make things slightly forgivable. Just an idiotic piece of cinema to be honest.

As for an ending? A total slap in the face, no climax...I've seen adult parody's with better storytelling.

Haywire (2011)
1 out of 3 people found the following review useful:
Femme Fatale Never Looked So Good, 10 December 2012
8/10

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

Being an avid MMA fan when I got word that Gina Carano would be transitioning to acting, Haywire was definitely on my checklist. For her first film it went surprisingly well. A plot that although starts off very sketchy in detail slowly unravels itself in 15 minute intervals. In many ways it wasn't too fictional of a role considering the fact that this is a former champion. Think about it, a beautiful woman who kicks the crap out of various people for a fat paycheck. Not too shabby.

There's pretty descent action scenes as Tatum gets arm barred, Fassbender goes to sleep in a triangle joke and a random cop gets superman punched. All the correct elements were in place to make this an enjoyable 90 minutes; great supporting cast accompanied by a smooth soundtrack. Only thing i disliked was how half of the film's premise takes place via a conversation in a car as flashbacks of prior events are shown; but in hindsight that's neither here or there.

Want to see a hot chick cripple some fools in a mystery thriller? If nothing but out of curiosity, you should check this out.

4 out of 10 people found the following review useful:
Surprisingly Weak, 23 November 2012
4/10

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

This was hyped up to be one of the best films of the year, yet I'm left wondering why this movie has so many accolades. Firstly, the intensity doesn't even pick up until an hour in, with a wonky storyline not worth remembering. Much of the plot is filler for the action which there's strangely little of. An epic fail of extras ruin the continuity whilst the main cast seem to dither away into sappy buddy-buddy moments.

With an inflated budget, it seems that more attention was focused on the character's wardrobes rather than better special effects sequences. Dialogue is unfortunately the usual cliché bits of monologue between opposing teams leaving no room for artistic fluency.

If this was the best that Hollywood muster up.. I shudder to think what the sequel has in store for us.

3 out of 6 people found the following review useful:
pretty damn good, 18 November 2012
10/10

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

A great cast of relatively unknowns. I liked how the majority of the shooting was done with steady cam and hand held, really brought out the best in everything. The story is great in not following conventional standards, instead a normal situation is slowly twisted with a series of uncontrollable events. Smart location choices evoked ones similar to that of the Left 4 Dead and Resident Evil video games.

Was I throwing popcorn around the room in fear? No, but it's far more captivating when the horror your protagonists are faced with aren't revealed in plain sight. And the ending..brilliant, more of a cliffhanger than anything. Good to see evil "winning" for once in this mystery-thriller.

Can honestly say nothing bad about this movie, for what its worth expect to be creeped out. Looking forward to see more of the beautiful Olivia Dudley.

Battleship (2012)
7 out of 10 people found the following review useful:
here's a creative play-on-words: Cattleshi*, 13 November 2012
1/10

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

Every now and then there's an upcoming film that releases a trailer which makes you think "this is going to be one of those CGI movies". Poor poor Liam...what did you sign up for? Let me save like-minded individuals a waste of time.

It has such a predictable 80's style script of cliché ramblings with weak and outdated comedy. These machines shoot double A batteries and bey blades with reptilian eyed aliens animated enough to make conspiracy theorists drool. There's just so many of the same monster flicks now; it seems like the genre is becoming redundant due to no originality. Just bits & pieces of past classics wedged into a crappy version at an attempt to replicate success, in this case: intergalactic robots.

There's no real plot and after 10 minutes you get the idea that this isn't going to entertain. Times like this make me grateful to have a fast forward button on my remote. Only pausing and playing when an explosion went off. In the end..what you see is what you get.


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