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Armored (2009)
I'm not quite sure what the writer was thinking
2 September 2010
Warning: Spoilers
I, like a few others, have made an account simply because of the atrocity that is this movie. I was having a sleepless night and decided to check the movie channels to see if anything was on, and low and behold, 'Armored' popped up. Remembering some previews I saw awhile back, I figured it would at least be entertaining.

This ended up being one of the few movies that I just up and turned off about thirty minutes before the end. Normally, people just leave if they don't like the type of movie (after 5-30 minutes), or just sit through to see how it ends. It has to be a special kind of bad when you've watched almost the entire movie, and decide you don't even care how it ends.

For those who haven't seen it, I can sum up about 40% of the movie in a line. "Guys, let's spend 45 minutes trying to pop the hinges". That's literally the bulk of the movie; they sit there hammering away at the hinges on the armored vehicle, because the "good guy" "had a last minute decision" and locked himself in the truck. There's little action, there's no plot, there's no character development, there's no good dialogue, there's nothing to make you think, there's just nothing.

The rest of the movie can be summed up pretty quickly as well, with no exaggerations made. War veteran comes home, has no money, has a set of values. Friend gets him a job. All of a sudden, the night before some apparently huge 42 million dollar heist, the "good guy" gets told "hey we're gonna steal all the money from ourselves and no one gets hurt". He says no.

Then, OMG, your brother is going into child care services because your parents died and you're too shitty of a guardian! I guess the characters thought process was like this "I guess it's time to take them up on that 42 million dollar heist that I heard about last night, and have no idea as to their plans to actually make it work!" After that, the heist happens. It becomes apparent that there was no plan, they simply plan on dumping the money somewhere, pretending they got robbed, and picking it up later. Of course, the premise is they have an hour, after checking in by radio, before they have to check in again. That plan is just absurd, and any jackass can understand that armored vehicles carrying 42 million dollars don't just go unmonitored for over an hour, with no sort of tracking on the vehicle.

Well, sadly, that wasn't the worst part. We get back to what I was talking about earlier. The reason he's been "good guy" in quotations, is because he wasn't the protagonist at all. This movie had no protagonist. He was the guy who joins something on a ridiculous premise, and then instantly he decides he doesn't want to when it starts. He tries to get away in the armored truck, gets trapped, and then next 1 hour chunk of the movie is him sitting in the truck with them hammer on the hinges. The only real feeling this plot generates is one of hate towards the supposed protagonist. His actions are just so unrealistic and stupid, you just want the bad guys to kill him after a few minutes.

Well, to be fair, there is a little more than just hinge banging. Every now and then a terrible sub deviation of this glorious main story occurs, like a cop showing up to check out the loud sounds and getting shot, or one of the guys outside the truck having a "change of heart" and trying to help him, and then promptly getting knifed to death. It was just absurd.

And then, finally, it happened. The few scenes that made me give up entirely on the movie reared their ugly heads. Basically, whenever none of them are paying attention, he starts sneaking out of the car pretending to be batman or something, and causing all sorts of problems. The first time he sneaks out and lights all their stashed money on fire, and then returns. After that, he somehow undoes the floor of the armored vehicle and starts crawling out from beneath it, which none of them notice, and then trying to radio for help somewhere.

I don't know, around that time I noticed there was twenty or so minutes left and just turned it off. It was probably one of the poorest constructed movies I'd ever seen. No actors or good acting could save it, nothing could. Armored is just one of those movies that should of had its screenplay thrown in the garbage when put on the studios desk.
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