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pants and shoes, in that order
This series was recommended to me by someone whose favorite TV show was The Bold and the Beautiful, so go figure.
I guess I was expecting to be perturbed by it based on how the general population liked the show. I thought you can lose nothing by watching the show, I mean, what's the worst that can happen? After watching 23 episodes of season 1, one day I got up in the morning and put my shoes on before my pants, and I knew I had to stop the madness before suffering irreversible brain damage.
Let's start with the mysteries...ready? Here it comes: who cares! I wasn't intrigued in the least to know what was that all about. The mysteries themselves are stupid and impossible, like something someone pulls out of his own a##; so what's the point. I wondered if Stephen King was involved in the writing. And I knew the writers would just tease you and drag them on and on to the end of the very last episode of the series.
The flashbacks were boring for the most part; especially the Korean couple's. The Korean supermodel suddenly speaks English, who didn't see that one coming from 2 km away? The Indian, excuse me, Arab guy speaking perfect English using big, sophisticated words turning into MacGyverr? (In reality all the ethnic immigrants I see here in my city can hardly put two words together). Most of these people are good looking, what are the odds on that? The doctor Jack character was excessively good and honest but his face reminded me of Adam Sandler, so meh. I really wanted the see the obese guy losing a few kilos but after 23 episodes I lost hope, I bet he stays the same weight throughout the series. And what's a good, politically correct show without an interracial coupling? The setting was nice, although I wanted to see more rain.
My behind absorbs all the sunshine...
The special effects are good. I was immersed in the visuals and they take you too* another world, and this is all the positive I can say about this hokum! If your** looking for logic, look elsewhere! The sun is dying and we want to nuke it...really? Nuking the sun with a bomb 10 to the power of 89 times the biggest bomb we now possess, it will not be enough to scrape some paint off of it. It's like me shooting the Great Pyramid of Giza with my puny pellet gun and expect it to fall down. And a bomb the size of Manhattan? Remind me again how much money it costs to slingshot 50 grams of material into space! There is a reason astronauts drink there*** own urine.
Now let's look at the crew...laughable. We have the androgynous weakling with emotional problems who is responsible to save us all...god save us. We have a bunch of morons with psychological problems who behave like high school airheads, yeah right, methinks we need a better screening process, as these guys aren't qualified to clean bathrooms let alone save humanity.
And there is still more idiocy. The movie suddenly turns into some supernatural horror fantasy crap because we are in space and almost every other movie set in space in the last 65 years is supposed to have a monster in it.
*Intentional error **Intentional error ***Intentional error
Explanation for the intentional mistakes: morons make these same mistakes so many times that I have come to the conclusion that they should be intentional. Therefore I'm jumping on the bandwagon.
You're Next (2011)
another idiotic excuse to make gore
I can only watch horror movies while drunk out of my mind. This movie was so bad that I drank gallons of beer, then dropped. The next day I watched the rest with a clear head and that was my fatal mistake.
I don't even go into how stupid the plot is; basically we have the same old formula in this genre, namely people making very dumb choices. They split up instead of staying together, everyone scattering around in different rooms and floors so that they can be whacked one by one. The bad guys do the same mistake, they never stick together for more than two minutes. And why are they armed with medieval weaponry when handguns are so readily available? Go inside with guns, make everyone kneel down then kill them execution style, one bullet each to the back of the head. Simple, fast and effective.
To top all this stupidity, we have a scrawny female weighing roughly 48 Kg turning into Steven Seagal and this is supposed to be the big surprise in the movie. Let me tell you gals like her can only pull hair and hammer fist the face like 3-year-olds with little or no effect. And that big, burly guy at the end does the exact same thing the dumbest idiot on earth would do - of course we are in the realm of horror movies after all.
Exactly the same like all the other films in the series
This third instalment is as escapist and fun as all other Indiana films. I used to love them as a kid. This is no different than any one of them. Same thing, same fun: adventure, exotic places, chases...same formula. If you liked the first then it follows that you should like this one, and the next one. I have seen the last one with the aliens and while everybody was talking about how ridiculous the addition of aliens were, I was rolling my eyes, because the other Indiana films weren't exactly about this earth either. There is no casket with a curse that melts people, there is no doll that you can pinch to make the other guy suffer, there is no 700-year-old guy living in a cave in full chain mail armor, just as there aren't any aliens on earth.
For those of you saying I loved the first one but this is a disaster, you should realize that this is no different than the rest of them. It's like saying I love a white horse but I hate a black horse. They are both horses, exactly the same animal.
Cowboys & Aliens (2011)
The Hot Alien
The movie is awful and extremely predictable so I will write about the twist exclusively: I admit I'm a sucker because the twist is about the only thing in the movie I hadn't anticipated. But it makes sense. Imagine being an alien with the ability to shape yourself into anything, what would you do? Would you appear as a homely, fat-as-a-walrus person with skin disease or would you rather buy a fashion magazine and appear as the hottest model with a great body? I'll be honest with you, I would appear as a model admiring my naked body in the mirror for hours, I would then start playing with my assets to see how they feel in my hands. After that I'll find the latest James Bond and...no, wait, I was a male in my last shape, I don't know if I'm attracted to guys.
And the above nonsense is about the only thing I can say about the film, the rest of it is nothing you haven't seen a thousand times over.
Random Harvest (1942)
I couldn't care less about the amnesiac man and his fate. Watching him trying to talk and the woman caring so much about a total stranger while soft music was playing over cardboard landscapes was too much for me.
I couldn't watch the whole film out of boredom but I read it's* synopsis. I don't believe in selective memory loss and so I consider the plot nonsensical. First he looses* his memory then he gets what was lost before, but than* again he looses* other memories because of a convenient accident so the plot can go on to make a sappy love story.
And lead actor is wrong for the part, he is way to* old to be a soldier. It would have been easy to find who he was after the shock. Just look for missing 3 star generals. It usually takes 30 years to be promoted to that rank and this guy looks about 50.
And someone tell me why was a beautiful and kind woman like the lead actress conveniently single without any love interest in her past?
*Intentional errors in accordance with Internet protocol.
Stone Cold (2005)
I liked this film so much that I watched all the other Jesse Stone movies, so my review is for the whole series. The small town, idyllic, country setting is beautiful. The main plot, namely the crime and the mystery are well done keeping you interested. Tom Selleck is perfect for the role of the brooding, taciturn Chief Stone. He is a prisoner of his past but doesn't let the drinking, the bad memories and hurt feelings to get in the way of his duties which he fulfills admirably. The whodunit is revealed at the very last minutes of the show, usually the result of hard work and brainstorming of the thinking chief. Definitely worth watching.
What somewhat brings down all the good things going for the series is the cliché of young women (in some cases three and a half decades younger) falling for him. Unlike the boyish, effeminate weaklings of today like Orlando Bloom, Brad Pitt, Leonardo Di Caprio, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, etc.; Tom Sellek is manly and has a solid presence like movie stars of the past. But realistically unless they have a grandfather fetish, young women don't fall head over heels for men in their 60's. In Hollywood male stars get starring roles well into their 70's and as they age, there* female love interests always remain in there 30's, so by the time our male superstar hits 78, there is a 45-year age difference. Female stars' star quickly fades like a shooting star, so by the time they hit 40, they are already too old and disposable, only getting minor parts. In real life as in the movies, male Hollywood stars discard their wives every time she pushes 40, going for another 24-year-old. And there is always another young gold digger ready for them. Sexist? Yes. Disgusting? Yes.
Note: I think I know why young women always fall for Chief Stone: he's the only excessively hairy guy in the world with a full set of hair on his head, as hairy men are always bald.
Patch Adams (1998)
About as Funny as an Ugly, Hairy, Flat Ass
The awful night my brother's girlfriend at the time suggested we go see this movie she said Robin Williams was the lead and that it was based on a true story. I wished I had better sense then* too** trust her judgment. Mr Williams wasn't a favourite of mine but I had seen Mrs Doubtfire and liked it.
I felt just like the dean Walcott throughout the whole ordeal. Clowns have a function in society, there*** job is to entertain children. Hospital patients with serious illnesses deserve to be treated with austere dignity and a quiet environment. I was waiting for someone to shout "fire" so I could dart out of the theater and put all the nonsense behind me. The real Patch Adams should be a real jerk, I want his license to work in health care revoked. Instead we make a film costing millions of dollars about the clown.
At last we were on the streets and I wanted a big apology from the person who got me into this mess. With a deep, philosophical sigh, she observed, "Robin Williams has an ugly, flat ass!"
*Intentional error **Intentional error ***Intentional error
Explanation for the intentional mistakes: Idiots make these same mistakes so many times that I have come to the conclusion that they should be intentional. Therefore I'm jumping on the bandwagon.
The Room (2003)
I will need years of therapy to erase the memorable quotes stuck in my brain. Right now my shrink and I are working on these two: "I did not hit her;" and "You're tearing me apart Lisa." My therapist even suggested not going anywhere near Mr. Tommy Wiseau to avoid the irresistible urge to wrap my hands around his throat.
If everything in the world was good, then the word "good" would loose* it's** meaning. Thus this movie is the benchmark to compare all other movies against it, and so every other film I have rated so far automatically gets a five point bonus.
*"Lose" is the correct word. I wrote "loose" in accordance with Internet slang.
**Same as above. As a rule I'll always interchange "its" for "it's," and vice versa.
Not a Real Dream
I don't know what I was watching and I didn't care. This Matrix rip-off is very implausible and the science behind it will never be invented. In the old times this plot would be made into a B-movie. Nowadays big money is allocated because we all want to see some impossible thing that is cool to look at.
In my dreams I run fast but don't go anywhere; or I shoot a guy 20 times and he laughs in my face. My cousin repeatedly appears in my dreams and if I ever find him sleeping in the next room inserting himself in my dreams I'll kick his ass.
2/10 for the Germans for their sharp Carl Zeiss lenses. I better go have a real dream, that's 8 hours of my life that feels like 5 minutes. Good night folks and please rate my dream 9/10, for its* more real.
*I deliberately typed "its" instead of "it's," because this is the vogue on the net.