Reviews written by registered user

9 reviews in total 
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19 out of 33 people found the following review useful:
The Masters Of Boredom Return., 19 October 2012

Ah, Paranormal Activity, my own little punching bag for when I want to write a review on a terrible movie. I have gone through every single one of these tedious films all for the slight pleasure of you, the readers, and there have been no improvements whatsoever throughout the series. The acting is still awful and stilted, the horror only repetitive jump scares and the same boring, ridiculous storyline.

Story: What? Story? Badly written, instantly forgettable characters, it's a cavalcade of tips on how not to carry the audience through the plot. Microsoft probably got it's fair share for letting the filmmakers include it's motion-detecting Kinect add on for the Xbox 360 be woven into the plot as a means of detecting the ghosties, but is left on 24/7 without any of the other family members noticing, along with about 3 Macbooks that are constantly recording everything, but only include a time stamp on the night scenes. Bah.

Acting: Decent enough compared to the other films, but that's not saying much.

Effects: Commendably made on a shoestring, but that doesn't matter when the rest of the film's rubbish does it?

Sound: An over-emphasis on loud noises to fray the minds of the casual viewer. Functional, but provides too many cheap scares.

In conclusion, I advise everyone to stay away from this flaming turd of uncared-for drivel, which goes without saying for every other installment in this atrocious series. 1 out of 10, and the other dozen cinema-goers agree with me, going by the loud "Da was shoi!" which erupted from a dis-entertained male beside me.

3 out of 6 people found the following review useful:
Bloody Awful, Bloody Awful, Bloody Awful..., 14 November 2011

Let me make this clear: I went to this movie with the sole intention of seeing how rubbish it was. After watching the first two films to feel what it is like to die, repeatedly, while looking at a movie, I knew that this was going to be something reeally special. There were six other patrons in the theater. It was being put on in the tiniest screen in the 9 screen cinema. I could literally guess every cheap scare that was going to happen, and wasn't surprised that the filmmakers were too lazy to put in some more subtle disturbances, like the rocking horse swinging very gently, or a candle flickering. All of us laughed during the supposedly ''intense'' scenes. When the film ended so abruptly, there was a mutual understanding between us all. We looked at each other and shook our heads in shame, then burst out laughing. Everyone in the theater. The lads who picked up all the rubbish after the showing came in a few minutes early, saw the ending, and laughed with us. People, save your 10 bucks and... I don't know, buy a milliliter of petrol or something. The one thing that I hate about IMDb is that it won't let you rate in negative numbers. Because since this is even worse than the first two films, I really can't give it a score. Well, one out of ten for the pure joy of it being so short. But, a warning: People! Destroy every copy of this pile of steaming horse turd as the spawn of Satan doesn't deserve to exist! Do not let it reach Youtube in 10 minute clips as the internet will be burnt to a crisp and chicken nuggets will ally with doughnuts to go on a suicidal rampage to obliterate everything in the universe, including Louie Walsh! 1 out of 10! Arrgh!

Apollo 18 (2011)
11 out of 25 people found the following review useful:
Blast Off To Another Rubbish Horror Film., 3 September 2011

I had slightly high hopes for Apollo 18 as I sat down in the theater with my Father.There were only three other patrons there.It wouldn't be long until I found out why.I was expecting an updated Apollo 13 until I looked it up on IMDb and found that it was all hand-held camera and CCTV footage.My excitement was dulled a bit,but we still went. The story is about a NASA conspiracy and aliens on the moon, so it fits snugly into the Unoriginal section ( far too large in my opinion ) of the vast movie database. It definitely isn't suspenseful enough to hold your interest, relying instead on unnecessary cheap scares. The characters don't have distinct enough personalities for you to care about what happens to them.Special effects are acceptable, but nothing eye catching. The static of the helmets provides about the same amount of atmosphere that is on the moon, which is to say, very little. The movie is supposed to be edited together from clips taken with the cameras, but there is absolutely no way that they could have survived the incident at the end.We were walking out the doors before the credits had even begun,because it was just so predictable.I could literally guess, with great accuracy, what was going to happen and why for the whole turgid mess. I absolutely recommend letting this film slip into the disgrace of only seeing it in ten minute clips posted up on Youtube.1 out of 10.I'm on a horse.

Skyline (2010)
2 out of 7 people found the following review useful:
A Souless Splatter Of CGI Devoid Of Emotion., 21 November 2010

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

Skyline.The Independence Day War Of The Cloverfield Body Snatchers Wars. This film copies every thriller ever made and smashes them together in one boring blend of explosions,stilted and un-natural conversations and machine-like actors that will simply move to the most dangerous space where incredibly familiar aliens tear through the sky and suck you up to the mother ship,where badly rendered aliens wait to (thankfully) suck out the brains of the actors that will stare a hole through your skull.If you have a copy of the Xbox 360 game Gears of War 2 you will swear that the flying piles of turgid special effects are the many-armed Reevers.Anyway,on to the emotion drained storyline.Some guy is crashing in his friends party in his Penthouse L.A. home with Ms.Bla blah.Whoah,Ms.Bla blah's pregnant.I have just saved you half an hour of meaningless banter between the so-called human cast.Later that night,some flashes of light fall down from the sky,mesmerizing anyone who looks directly at them.The actors become like zombies(not that you can tell) and disappear as soon they walk into the flashes of white.Then the actors talk about this and Ms.Blah blah's baby for another half an hour.Then some physical aliens swoop down and just eat the willess humans.The directors have put 100% effort into the plot,haven't they.The one special effects dude from Aliens vs. Predators:Requiem waves his CGI wand of misfortune for the duration of the film.Explosions are many and badly put together,and every scene can be traced back to an actually good film that supposedly isn't copyrighted.

Skyline is a movie that you will half watch,step out of the theater and forget ever existed.A well deserved 1 out of 10.I gave it one point because I had popcorn with me at the time.

3 out of 8 people found the following review useful:
Oh My Jesus Its So Scary!If your over eighty., 31 October 2010

Paranormal Activity 2 is crap.IN your pants epicness!Of fail.If you have a nervous disposition,you will faint,if you can actually watch films that are over Universal,you will not flinch once during the film.In the cinema I was attending,a dozen of the fourteen people there cried out in fear.Me and my Father however,marveled at the amount of cheap scares thrown into this very cheap production.The Paranormal Activity 2 DVD case could very well be the most prized possession in your household,boasting the best atmosphere and story ever shat on to a disc,or the dirt covered,boredom infested,untouched piece of rubbish that makes you think where the Films industry is headed.From what I have heard,the story interwines with Paranormal Activity 1,but I just could not expect anyone to go through the turgid mess that spawned this film,which includes myself,so I have no information about the start of the decline of horror films.And the idiocy of the characters!The family has numerous surveillance cameras installed within the house,but never check the video tapes until the seventh or so night after the strange occurrences.Now,to be honest,I am not easily scared,but that is no reason to start crying at the very suspicion that a not even mildly frightening scene might just possibly have a snowballs chance of happening.That,or more and more people are just becoming wimps.So,an 11 year-old's verdict (yes,ELEVEN!) of ''The Most Frightnascarying Thingy mobobber that you'll ever eyeball look at!'':

+Makes you laugh at how easily scared people are.

-Absolutely rubbish storytelling.

-Scary?What?Paranormal Activity 2,Scary?


-Go away.

Okay,maybe it doesn't deserve a 1,but I'm in a grumpy mood,and:

Id'e Be Trolling! 1 out of 10.

Fast Paced,Action Packed Return Of The 100mph Hedgehog., 19 August 2010

Sonic Rush Adventure has the blue haired streak of lightning doing what he does best,going fast,jumping around and not feeling too much like Mario.This game gives you a real sense of achievement for finishing one of the levels,while not being too difficult for new comers who bought the game just to see what all the fuss was about.

STORY:The plot is very generic,Sonic and Thicko ahem...Tails,crash on an island inhabited by a young raccoon Marine and her chums.So the three rodents start exploring the islands around the one they are on, collect...umm...stuff,build hovercrafts and let a Pirate escape several times to drag the story out even longer.Its a good thing you don't have to pay attention to the plot,because you can skip every cutscene.It's only when Blaze the Cat appears that things start becoming interesting.It is geared for a younger audience,and won't appeal much to hardcore gamers such as myself.But,if you can accept the many minutes of dull speech,and know you will be rewarded with old school side-scrolling game-play,you have quite a game on your hands.

GAMEPLAY:Fantastic.There is a lot of variation between levels and enemies,and when you die you actually find yourself chuckling to yourself,after you ran off a cliff and didn't have time to see the tiny platforms hovering in the air.Boss fights are suitably epic,mostly based around making an ass out of the Boss after he got his weak spot too close to your blazing body,shortly before you were beaten' de bejeazes out of him.There are quite a few 3-D bits,9 out of 10 being cruising along the ocean on either a waterbike,sailboat,hovercraft or submarine.These parts are handled very well,but they feel like a completely different game.You also get the option to play as Blaze the Cat,who feels much different than her blue counterpart.There are barely any flaws,and when you do find them they are very small.There are 100 Side-missions to do,but you only have to do 7,but the missions do pretty up your island,which is shown on the top screen when you are on it.There are a lot of characters stationed around various parts of the island,and when you talk to them they can give you information (for a price)or send you on missions.Very enjoyable game play.

GRAPHICS:Animations are top notch,backgrounds are detailed,the ROFLcopter is going SOI SOI SOI,everything is good.3-D graphics aren't exactly the DS's forte, so you will see reused textures and blocky characters in cut scenes.That basically covers it all.

SOUND:By the end of the game the sound effects will be in all your dreams,and the sound track will be in your worst nightmares.As the other review for this game said,''The soundtrack is the same Super Funky music from the original Sonic Rush''.Oh well.

LASTING APPEAL:The main story will only take a few hours,but exploring every part of the sea will take much longer.I would have to put a big RENTAL sticker on this game.When you finish it,you may play it once or twice more,but could you really see this being in your DS for months?

CLOSING COMMENTS:Sonic Rush Adventure is a super fast,super fun addition to the B(lue) B(all) of B(lur)'s solid roster.If only he could play tennis as well as he runs...8 out of 10.

Quantum of Solace (2008) (VG)
5 out of 8 people found the following review useful:
This Is The Game!, 25 July 2010

This is the Xbox 360 Review:

I am sick and tired of the brainless idiots who write in their barely formed words which,when translated from Retardeese,say that this is the worst Bond film ever made.I have to agree,the film sucked,But this is the page for the video game!Write reviews for the film on the film page,and write reviews for the game on the game page!If IMDb let me write in all capitals,I gladly would. Now that I've got that out of the way,onto the game itself.

STORY:This isn't really a Quantum of Solace game,because most of the game is set in a flashback Bond has about the moments in Casino Royale and Vesper,because there wasn't a Casino Royale game made and the plot for Quantum of Solace is rubbish.So yeah,you get to sneak around the Casino,or just stumble around drugged,there is the famous construction site chase scene at the start of the film and there is a much longer Miami chapter than in Casino Royale,where instead of just putting your foot in the door and then leaving,two of the 12 levels are dedicated to just that moment.I have to take away a mark for the hotel five hundred miles away from anything in the Quantum part,but it's still great.9 out of 10.

GRAPHICS:Very nice,with good use of lighting.Animations look fluid,textures are very rarely repeated and character modeling is excellent,with special attention payed to Daniel Craig,which is good because he'll be staring at you for half the game,which I will explain later.Some cutscenes,especially the very first one,can have boring textures and jumps in speed,but still a good job of making everything feel like the movies.9 out of 10.

GAMEPLAY:The game runs on the Call of Duty 4 engine.It switches between first person walking and third person over-the-shoulder cover.Simply look at a piece of cover and at the tap of the A button (or X if your in Sony world)you dash to cover and can't get hit.The cover mechanics aren't in any way revolutionary but there are quite a few standard options.You can look over,blind fire,dash to cover in front of you,switch to a cover beside you and the like.Sprinting to an enemy automatically engages you in hand-to-hand combat,where you press the highlighted button and watch as Danny beats the crap out of them.For the fans of Sam Fisher,there are stealth parts put in for good measure.You can carry your trusty pistol which cannot be swapped as well as two enemy guns of your choice.There are shotguns and miniguns lying around somewhere in each level.Can you find them all?

SOUND:Good soundtrack,satisfying bangs coming out of guns and voice overs done by the actual cast and not by some teenager picked off the street.Some tunes may stick in your head,such as the violins in Sink Hole.Not much else to say.At least it's not like listening to Hanna Montanna.

LASTING APPEAL:Going around the game takes about 9 hours on normal,some may even manage it in 6.There are online modes and four difficulty settings,but no split-screen or four player deathmatches.An enjoyable rental title for a week or two.

CLOSING COMMENTS:Quantum of Solace is better in every way than the film that spawned it.Brilliant graphics,excellent gameplay,online multiplayer modes and great voice overs,Quantum of Solace is a game that Bond fans shouldn't miss.Now all we need is the next generation Goldeneye.Come on Microsoft!Come over an agreement with Rare!Anyway,9 out of 10.

30 out of 32 people found the following review useful:
A Worthy Companion To The Best-selling Series of Eduactional Books., 12 July 2010

Horrible Histories teaches children about the Vile Victorians, Awesome Egyptians, Terrible Tudors and much more while delivering the information with jokes, word play and having a cross between normal, modern Britain and the age it is focusing on to make it more enjoyable to learn than sitting in a dull, claustrophobic classroom looking around at children messing and teachers longing for the day of back-breaking punishment to be over. I'm no teacher,I'm an eleven year old, but I still think that this TV program sticks out from mind numbing things like Most Haunted and anything on Living. It is infinitely better than being forced to watch Fox News, and children from 8 to 12 will sit down and watch this. They don't see it as schoolwork, they see it as a quite funny way to spend 27 minutes. Instead of being sat inside a dark room drooling at a computer screen, pick up Season 1 on DVD and have a right good laugh. Maybe you could even interest your kids in the series of books by Terry Deary. There are books, cartoons, audio CDs and now a live action television program to add to the Horrible Histories franchise. 9 out of 10. Also, huge thanks to everyone who rated this useful!

Spider-Man 3 (2007) (VG)
Mediocre But Fun Rental Title., 4 July 2010

You will definitely have divided opinions on this game.I am being generous with the score,as I am overlooking some problems but it still has quite a few in it's short four to six hours.

GRAPHICS:In the cutscenes,actually not that bad for the Playstation 2,but in the game when you are swinging around New York the enormous buildings can look very undetailed.There is a day and night cycle, and when the moon is shining there are lights in the buildings,but some animations and textures could be better.

SOUND:The actual actors do the voiceovers which is a nice touch,and when your walking around the streets you can hear people having their average conversations.In fact,one guy says ''Ah man Spider Man is so cool!They should make a movie about him,or two,or three!Peter's self thoughts are amusing when he is fighting,but the thug's and police officer's voices can get repetitive.''I'm just one man Spider Man,You'll never find the EMP device we made to take out our rivals!It's on top of the building beside the bridge!Keep on pressing Triangle To gt rid of it!''Okay,some of that was made up but you get the point.In the early stages a narrator tells you the basics with a humorous touch.Overall,not too bad.Music can be repetitive though.

GAMEPLAY:Repetitive.Talk to shady looking guy,swing around a bit,beat up bad guys and repeat.There are a few things to do though,use your bitchin' black suit with badass moves,upgrade your abilities and unlock new ones via an upgrade tree,find A LOT of collectibles,work to take down gangs and just swing around in the completely open city.Moving around NYC is quick and fluid,your Spidey Powers are responsive and the hardcore people out there will immediately challenge themselves to go on Hard difficulty and use no upgrades,finish the game in three hours,complete all the checkpoint races and take all photographs.Solid Single-Player Stuff(SSS).

STORY:Like walking into Marvel archives.Not a lot of inspiration from the movie,but it adds two new baddies,Morbius and Shriek.There are different parts in the story but it's obviously designed to take you from one place to the other.

CLOSING COMMENTS:Definitely not the best Spider Man game but an enjoyable rental title.It's alright,but thats just my opinion,and you will undoubtedly have you'res.7 out of 10.