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'Black Mirror' it ain't...
I presume this series was produced on the back of the hugely impressive 'Black Mirror'. Considering the money that's clearly gone into it, the series is incredibly weak. Four episodes in, and all but 'the commuter' have proved to be fairly rambling, uninspiring pieces. They're like Dr Who episodes minus the charm and imagination. God knows if they're faithful to the original short stories, but in the end, I suppose it makes no difference.
How on earth is this such a boring 'drama'?! The writers had the irresistible backdrop of Nazi-occupied London and licence to create any related storyline that they could conjure.
So how have we ended up with this dried up, bumbling series of uninteresting scenes? I cannot be alone on not giving a monkey's about what is happening.
Nothing is remotely 'dramatic' about any of it - not even accidentally. It's embarrassing.
Incredibly, it actually combines the worst aspects of different genres: We've got the moronic, boring waffling of Big Brother AND poorly made, low-budget, story-free zombie stuff.
At least actual Big Brother features 'genuine' morons.
While Im putting the boot into this rubbish: the 'army voice-overs' sound like the stilted scripting of a 1990s video game.
Low production values is not necessarily a death-blow but this not only looks like a 3rd year drama project, it is unforgivably dull.
(Imdb want more lines, but I think you get the idea...)
Alex Polizzi's Secret Italy (2014)
The subject matter is fascinating so it was bitterly disappointing to have it thrown away on a pompous twerp like Alex Polizzi. She starts in Venice and spends the first few minutes putting the boot into tourists that dare to show up! It really was quite embarrassing to watch her look down her nose at visitors and bemoan the fact that Venice draws a crowd. Years ago, Fry and Laurie did a superb sketch about pseudo-intellectual snobs discussing 'our Venice'. It all sounds precisely like that.
The whole thing is thoroughly spoiled by a terrible choice of presenter. Oh, and is it really a 'secret' that if you "open your wallet wide" you can stay in very expensive hotels? Do me a favour.
The Eagle (2011)
American Romans... Jesus wept
I could just about put up with the usual Hollywood nonsense of Americans playing non-American heroes but... When English actor Mark Strong turned up and actually PUT ON an American accent to play a Roman soldier I had to draw the line. The story is interesting but, in the hands of Hollywood, it holds the faint stink of yet more American revisionism.
Whichever way you cut it, the film really does seem to be suggesting that Americans pulled off the heroics of a people that existed long before the US was even a country. It's all just faintly embarrassing. Im sure that the vast majority of Americans would be very happy to watch characters being played by non-Americans but the money men of Hollywood insist of making an extra 3 dollars by casting the likes of Channing Tatum to play Latin-speaking Italians. It's ridiculous.
Not a shred of the original charm remains. It's an animated corpse of a film. Talking of which, what the devil happened to Sean Patrick's face?! Between his plastic surgery and moronic ranting he looks vaguely sub-human.
Basically, scenes from the original 'Boondock Saints' are remade into stilted, feeble replicas. It's witless, poorly written and desperate.
If you loved the original (and I did) please do yourself a favour, resist the temptation and avoid this mess. At least that way, the magic of the first film will remain untarnished in your memory!
(Imdb want more lines, so Im padding.)
The White Queen (2013)
Opening episode: the sulky rapist is the hero... what?!
A pretty disappointing start. The presentation of our 'hero' is a right mess. We're lead to believe he is dangerous and sexually threatening (which he is, it turns out!). It's confusing for the audience because our 'heroine' is clearly fearful of him. So she should be: he can destroy her and her family on a whim and he is also responsible for the death of her husband. When they meet she is desperate to secure her family's heritage while he is just desperate to have sex with her. And then later he tries to rape her. And yet... she suddenly declares her burning, undying love for him.
The audience is entitled to feel a little uneasy at this bizarre turn of events. Oh and there's magic too. Which seems a bit odd.
Then we meet the 'villains' but, to tell you the truth, I didn't dislike them more than I already disliked our leading couple. There just isn't anything likable about the pair of them. Shame too because I would loved to have enjoyed a historical thriller in the same vein as The Tudors. Unfortunately, this ain't it.
The Signal (2007)
Torture porn masquerading as art = shyte
Nothing wrong with extreme violence and gore in films, I reckon, but it's always a bit embarrassing when films like this pretend that they're oh-so-much-more than just a bunch of maniacs chopping each other up.
Started off well but turned into a waste of time. The three acts / directors novelty doesn't work. It only has the effect of creating a disjointed and clumsily connected story.
Comedy in horror is extremely difficult to do. The Evil Dead series got it right; George Romero got it right. This load of old toot is just boring.
Burke and Hare (2010)
They murdered old people... is that funny?
Black comedy is a tricky one to get right - and this mess doesn't get close to funny.
The comedy element is feeble and the comic element is further diluted by inexplicable attempts at dramatic sequences. It's hard to imagine the makers nodding enthusiastically at the so-called jokes and agreeing that this was the best they could come up with.
Simon Pegg has been in some fantastic films (Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz) but it looks like he can't cut it without Edgar Wright.
This travesty scores a 1 for me because on top of being embarrassingly unfunny, the subject matter is the real-life story of serial killers who murdered elderly people - er, hilarious.
Spoiled by dogsh*t acting and a £50 budget
Yeah, its been made with sincere enough intentions but it's b0llocks. Everyone over-acting like their lives were at stake. It's all a bit embarrassing. The characterisation is non-existent - you just don't give a sh*t about anyone and this is a big mistake in a zombie flick. Some of the set ups had potential but it's all just too amateurish.
IMDb wants me to add more lines but I don't really have anything else to add.
Apparently I still haven't added enough lines - hence this line.
And this one.