Reviews written by registered user

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629 reviews in total 
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It (2017/I)
45 out of 87 people found the following review useful:
Even better than the original, 7 September 2017

Creepy as hell, it managed to even outdo the original, as it focused the entirety of its run time on " It " stalking and terrorising the group of kids in 1989. The cast of unknown child actors handled the fear, and humour in perfect balance, while Pennywise was even creepier than in the original. There were also a few brilliantly subtle music cues, amongst a lot of crescendos

I want to see horror films return to having a physical villain ( as last year's Green Room, and Don't Breathe, as well as this film has ) rather than yet another ghost story/ supernatural/ haunting flick, like we've had seemingly never ending examples of in the past several years. Granted, this film has supernatural elements in it, but it simultaneously has an actual villain, a physical entity threatening the protagonists, which is where I hope horror films return to.

Its 135-minutes long run time basically flew by quickly.

The opening credits call the film, It, while the closing credits call the film, It Chapter One.

The Cult, my all time favourite band, are on the soundtrack, also. Fifteen minutes in, we hear about thirty seconds of Love Removal Machine

"It" (1990)
2 out of 2 people found the following review useful:
The first half is the strongest, 7 September 2017

Creepy tale of demonic clown terrorising and trying to kill a group of kids in a small town in the 1950s, and returning thirty years later to try to finish the job.

The sections dealing with the kids are more effective than the adults' scenes, I think there was more of a genuine sense of fear and dread in those scenes. The segments dealing with the adults just simply had an ensemble cast ( something I've never really been a fan of ) going through the motions. The entire cast did well, but I'm just not a fan of ensemble casts in a film. Let the plot and the film itself stand on its own merit, without bringing in a number of familiar, famous faces to sell it.

For all its good acting, cinematography, and pacing ( despite its three hours long run time ) the film is sunk by a terrible ending, like something out of a dime store 1950s monster movie. If they are going to spend three hours building upon peoples' fear of a demonic clown, don't have the climactic battle between those people and a poorly rendered, glowing green spider.

3 out of 4 people found the following review useful:
Good photography is about the sole saving grace here, 1 September 2017

Dingy, violent little number, about a paleontologist ( recently out of prison, and trying to redeem herself, obligatorily ) who receives a tip from a meth junkie ( with vaguely defined ties to, and undefined debt to, a drug cartel who is threatening his family ) about a tyrannosaurus Rex buried on a desolate plot of land in North Dakota, which could potentially be worth a fortune.

Characters with overly cluttered backgrounds people this well photographed drama/ Western/ horror thriller, which never climaxes, so much as it just stops, with no resolution to any of its numerous plot lines. However, if we were to take out the overly complex character backgrounds, all we would be left with is the odd story of an archaeological dig, with the vaguely defined prize going to the undefined highest bidder, and again, some good cinematography, making good use of the bleak North Dakota land.

This is another film ( similar to The Gracefield Incident, from a month or two ago ) which was filmed several years ago, and sat unreleased until its abrupt, barely advertised limited release, and has barely any information on its IMDb page, or Wikipedia page, and doesn't have a Boxofficemojo page, and didn't get a Thursday night preview screening. I saw a trailer for this one single time, about a week ago, and there was a standee in the cinema lobby, and apparently that was all of the promotion this received.

Edit: according to Boxofficemojo, this opened in a limited release, on only three hundred screens, bringing in $138.196, placing it at number 38 for opening weekend.

1 out of 3 people found the following review useful:
Your guess is as good as mine, when it comes to the plot., 22 August 2017

This is the third time recently, I have been the only one in the cinema, and the second time in about a month for a movie which doesn't have a Boxofficemojo page, and with a zero percent rating on Rotten Tomatoes.

A recently abandoned prison is ... haunted? Alive, ... via artificial intelligence? ... and kills a group of people working there, knowing that a specific military group would be sent to investigate, and it would be the same people who are responsible for a killing in Afghanistan, and this haunted/ alive prison kills them one by one, after having " judged them " , while each person individually plots to double cross and kill each other ... ? I don't know, this makes absolutely no sense, and​ it genuinely left me feeling disoriented afterward. I'm not joking, I sincerely felt like I was in a fog, and couldn't immediately think clearly after this one, basically speechless as to what I had just witnessed.

Director/ former actor John Stockwell has his moments, but this isn't one of them, but at least he, and cinematographer Matthew Irving, try to make this good looking, but novice screenwriter Matt Savelloni's incoherent screenplay sinks this from minute one. ( Why was the opening scene, of the kid dying, even here? It has no effect on the plot in any way. It seemed like it was going to be yet another film where the lead actor has to rise up, against all odds, and redeem themselves, but happily, that's​ not the case here. Faint praise that. )

Any Wesley Snipes' fans who may watch this just because he is in it, and featured prominently on the poster, will be sorely disappointed, as he:s just standing in the background during most scenes. There is no real main character here, most characters have about equal screen time, and a lot of it is just them looking in empty rooms, and shouting, " Clear! " for most of the early scenes.

The most baffling moment comes when the building comes to life, and grabs a guy by both arms, and simultaneously rips both arms out of their sockets

Wind River (2017)
0 out of 3 people found the following review useful:
A good, but not great, follow up to Hell Or High Water, 20 August 2017

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

Slowly paced thriller, telling of the FBI's investigation into a girl's death, after she is found, frozen and barefoot, in a desolate region of Wyoming.

A slow start had me, quite frankly, bored, for the first 15 or so minutes, but once we arrived at the coroner's office, and the debate and conflict about what is legally permitted to be listed on the autopsy report as her cause of death, the plot finally kicked in. This may be my favourite scene in the movie.

This film has some of the same occasional sense of humour with the characters, giving them depth, and humanistic characteristics, but I found the pacing to be a bit uneven. Also, while Hell Or High Water had extremely relatable antiheros for its lead characters ( we knew what they were doing was wrong, but we still wanted to see them victorious ) , this film has violent, repulsive killers as its lead( ish ) characters.

There is comment that some citizens would rather be in prison instead of living in this desolate, unforgiving, sprawling wasteland, effectively shown in many scenes, like writer/ director Taylor Sheridan did with west Texas, in his magnificent, Hell Or High Water, using the landscape as a character in its own right.

Olsen does well as a seemingly inexperienced FBI agent ( watch as she wisely orders one man to show her his hands, before being sprayed with chemicals, in a particularly brutal scene, but later, doesn't know she is walking into an ambush, and ends up getting shot for her troubles )

Spoiler alert: the fact the villain's ultimate fate is taken exactly from Quantum Of Solace left me feeling a bit flat.

2 out of 5 people found the following review useful:
" Retarded means slow. Was he slow? ", 20 August 2017

Clever, original comic thriller about a kid, referred to as " Baby ", who is a tinnitus-plagued getaway driver for a crime boss in Atlanta, who falls for a waitress at a local diner. Complications arise when he wants out of the getaway driver business to be with her.

He listens to music to drown out the tinnitus ( which is kind of the opposite of what I do to deal with tinnitus ) and the music subsequently becomes a character in its own right, as it greatly influences his driving, and his actions in general.

The characters have story arcs, making them three dimensional characters, with depth, meat on their bones, and we, the audience, are not sure who's trustworthy, and who might end up turning on each other.

The car chase scenes are very well done. Again, clever, more than the usual crash ups, and very well photographed, never sinking to using shaky cam.

I can't decide about the ending though, the final 20 or so minutes​, the film's fourth act (!)

2 out of 16 people found the following review useful:
* middle finger emoji *, 20 August 2017

This movie is such a 💣 , you'll want to 🔫 the screen long before the end. The only positive I can give this is that, as mediocre as its animation is, at least it's slightly better than last year's Norm Of The North, an equally soulless, poorly written cash grab ( but at least this film's makers didn't have studio people writing the only positive reviews, like Norm's did )

In EmojiLand, the​ " world inside your phone " , emojis live their lives, waiting to be " chosen " to do their thing, and this film is about their quest to find themselves and be true to themselves, and be the best emojis they can be, before their user deletes them, in four hours.


Poo emojis discussing washing their hands. Yeah, that's a thing that happens, in this bewildering kids' movie about a product which kids are likely unfamiliar with, thereby alienating the entire audience. Seriously, who was this even made for?

I'm not just simply jumping on the bandwagon here, and criticising this just because everyone else seems to be, but they didn't even try with this one. There is so little substance to anything here that I can barely even think of ways to mock and deride this one, let alone give it a straight review. The only person who will enjoy this movie is that worthless little bitch ( is that you, Jeremy show? ) with two accounts, who votes down literally every review of any movie he stumbles upon, and is already plowing through reviews of this movie. 0 out of 2 people find YOU useful.

Kidnap (2017)
3 out of 8 people found the following review useful:
Another laughably bad time, 20 August 2017

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

A ten minutes-long setup ( involving the most over used trope in cinema history: obligatory estrangement from a character, and custody battles ( which is never mentioned again ) , and Halle Berry running down a car, grabbing it, and holding onto it for dear life, a la The Terminator, to get back her kidnapped son ) leads to ( not exaggerating here ) a forty- five minutes long car chase, wherein Berry seemingly chases them from one end of Louisiana to the other, ultimately turning it into a demolition derby, as she repeatedly​ rams their car, trying to force them off the road, and putting her son in untold additional peril, in attempt to save him.

I wondered for a bit, whether this would turn into a Duel-like film, where the unseen driver would die in horrible firey crash, taking their identity and motivation with them. No, we do see them after a while, after they both drive off the road, stop, stare at each other's vehicle for a while, before getting out. I'm not going to lie, though, the kidnappers, when shown, are creepy and unsettling. Hillbillies with a violent bent, who seemingly have nothing to live for, make a good villain in almost any situation. Also creepy, if a bit predictable and formulaic, is their desolate farmhouse hideout, where they're holding several other kids hostage, as part of a kidnapping organisation covering four states, which a convenient VO narration tells us in the denouement, after an extremely absurd twist in the penultimate scene, where a third kidnapper is brought into the plot, and pretends to be an innocent neighbour, only to turn on Berry, forcing her to kill him too. Because yeah, sure, of course that happens.

Someone in my audience said out loud, " Is everyone in this movie deaf? " , only to have someone else in the audience paraphrase that a half hour later, as seemingly all characters had soundproof car windows, and/ or couldn't hear someone unless they were standing directly in front of them, and making eye contact with them.

Likely the victim of untold rewrites and re-edits, this was filmed between October - December 2014, and had five separate release dates scheduled and cancelled, before finally being released in summer 2017 ( because it has " Summer Blockbuster " written all over it ) , it's good for unintentional laughs at its genuinely stupid characters, but nothing else. The entire plot relies entirely on Cupcakes dropping her phone, which doesn't feel like something which would likely happen, considering she hangs on to her handbag, but it happens just because the script required it to happen, otherwise, the movie would only be about ten minutes long, which would have been an improvement.

1 out of 1 people found the following review useful:
" This just happened ", 30 July 2017

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

Five writers ( ! ) all worked separately on this genetically mutated sequel about a five-headed shark attacking locals in Puerto Rico, and marine biologists and Quint-lite are all drafted to hunt it down.

After two of their number ( Sean and Lindsay, their names are repeated numerous times ) are killed by sharkzilla, it becomes personal, and the plot goes into revenge territory. It takes them a while to find it, because in most of the close-up shots of them on their boat, they don't appear to be moving. When they do eventually find it, the shark flickers and jumps, from what looks like missing frames, and sluggish CGI, and they decide to play pre-recorded dolphin sounds, to annoy it to death.

This doesn't have the same imbecilic character behaviour as its predesessors ( 2 Headed Shark Attack, and 3 headed Shark Attack ) , which makes me think the writers took this more seriously than the writers of the unapologetically stupid original film did, but the problem is that it robbed this film of any​ potential unintentional laughs.

In the final act, I was more distracted by the constantly changing storm clouds in the background, than anything.

33 out of 44 people found the following review useful:
Laughable, 21 July 2017

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

Well, let's see here, I've been busy touring continental Europe with my favourite band this past month, and as a result, I've not seen many films lately, and this is a PG-rated found footage flick, which didn't get a Thursday night preview screening, and only has a scant IMDb page , doesn't have a Wikipedia page at all, or a Boxofficemojo page, and its Rotten Tomatoes score is a zero.

So, obviously, it's just calling my name, and begging me to review it.

I didn't even know this was a thing that existed until I saw its name ( misspelt as, Gracefeld Inciden ) on the cinema marquee.

Moron is filming his wife, not paying attention while he is driving to hospital for wifey's ultrasound​, gets into an accident, loses an eye, and his wife loses the child. She stays with this moron, and ten months later, he is building a plastic eye with a video camera in it, ( in a scene which vaguely reminded me of the eyeball scene from The Terminator ) to record every​ second of a trip to a cabin in the woods with friends.

This sextet witnesses a meteor crash, finds a rock nearby it, takes it as a souvenir, and is set upon by an unseen creature in pursuit of the rock, which it turns out, has its unborn offspring in it.

Ridiculously complicated setup for a generic found footage flick, where logic and cohesion goes out the window in favour of shaking the camera, and plot goes out the window in favour of expositional dialogue, which this film is loaded with.

They try for a deep and meaningful, profound twist ending, and fail so miserably.

Again, this is a ridiculous movie, with a couple of lengthy, one-sided lectures about child birth being a " gift " , and from out of nowhere scenes about the lead character's alcoholism ( which isn't mentioned any other time ) which is worthwhile only for unintentional laughs.

I was never mad or angry at this movie, just bored, which is why I rated it 3/ 10, but really, there's no reason to watch this, even for free on Netflix. The biggest surprise was that I was not the only person in cinema for the showing. There were a half dozen people there with me for this one, which is more than can be said about Phoenix Forgotten, from earlier this year, or even Free Fire.

Without the opening and closing credits, the film is only about 75 minutes long. ( Edit: apparently, this was filmed sometime in late 2013 or early 2014, as proved by the date the trailer was posted on YouTube, 19 May 2014: , but then heavily re-edited, with entire subplots about government conspiracies and cover- ups dropped, not released until July 2017 )

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