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All the Boys Love Mandy Lane (2006)
Why doesn't IMDb have a Zero rating for trash like this?
For a while I wondered why this, made in 2006, took until 2013 to be seen. Because simply put, it's trash. Boring, over long, mostly poorly acted, I couldn't figure out why anyone would Love Mandy Lane. This doesn't work as a satire, it doesn't work as a slasher film, it just doesn't work. Poorly written and directed, with some very lame camera shots, there's a dearth of imagination and lack of decent effects in this. Nothing done is original in any way. The best part of it (and I think he should leave this of his resume) is Anson Mount (Cullen Bohannen from Hell on Wheels). This is just one terrible movie. I'm not going to recap the story because there may be someone out there who won't heed the warnings of those who suffered through this and may want to watch it anyone. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED.
Z Nation (2014)
Another garbage team up from SYFY/The Asylum
Epic Fail. Before anyone starts flipping out and saying "Oh, he doesn't like it because it's not the Walking Dead." Wrong. I'm glad it's not the Walking Dead, but it is, the walking crap. Why? Several reasons: #1 The Asylum. They've never done crap worth watching. A lot of this show is based on their previous failures, Rise of the Zombies and Zombie Apocalypse. Both of which were painfully bad to watch. #2 Stupid story inconsistencies. Perrineaus character was supposed to be a MILITARY MAN and MILITARY MEN follow orders. So he worries about a ZOMBIE BABY? Why? Who gives a damn? Leave it to rot. #3 The Zombie baby. I don't care if it's a zombie. It's still a baby. Babies have no coordination, and if they're zombies, it's even less coordination. #4 Girl in the cage. She was in there two days. Out in the elements. She wasn't dehydrated? She lost the keys? INSIDE THE CAGE? She also had a knife. Couldn't stab those zombies through the eyes? Kill them off? #5 Running zombies. I concur with George Romero (who's survival of the dead was as bad as this.) Hate them and will continue to hate this idea. I love 28 Days Later, but curse them for their influence on zombie films. #6 Most of these actors stink. Typical Asylum. Get one star who needs a paycheck as a hook, then get rid of him. Thomas Scott has really fallen to be in this trash. #7 SFX - runs the gamut from trashy bad CGI to just about decent practical stuff. Typical for anything by the Asylum.
So, will I watch anymore? Depends if I feel like wasting 50 minutes of my life. So far, this is an utter disappointment.
What do you get when you mix people who missed the boat on Iron Sky, likely saw The Frozen Dead and They Saved Hitler's Brain too many times? This silly film. As usual with low budget silliness, the acting is bad, the SFX are (amazingly) somewhat good, but the story is so silly. A group of researchers in the Antarctic encounter an underground hideout of Nazis, who are led by a somewhat alive Mengele. The Nazis are keeping themselves alive by harvesting flesh from their captives. Of course this doesn't explain how they've remained alive all these years, since there is no permanent population in the Antarctic so how have they remained alive all this time? We'll ignore that to go on to say that at least Iron Sky had some humorous bits. All this has (that I recognized) was Dominque Swain. Unless you have an hour and 40 minutes of your life you no longer need, avoid this.
The ABCs of Death (2012)
The A,B,C's of Garbage is more like it.
There are two types of anthology movies. One, like say, Tales from the Crypt, or The Vault of Horror, are great. Then there's a silly piece of garbage like this. What did some company have leftover parts of bad movies and film stock left over? I didn't see one segment I felt was worth watching, and among the worst was death by farts. What is it with the Japanese and toilet, farting, crapping? It's ridiculous. Most of these 'stories' wouldn't have made it into a fanfic site, and far too many are just poorly thought out and filmed. Just a really, really poor effort. I'll be passing on part 2, unless I'm feeling a bout of insomnia. If I'd paid to watch this, well I did since it was on NETFLIX, I'd have been really angry. This is as bad as the stuff the scifi channel shows.
Survival of the Dead (2009)
Trash of the Dead
I don't know what Romero was thinking when he did this piece of trash, but if this is the best he can do today, please retire. The entire plot is stupid. I was unaware that off the coast of the US there was a society of Irish refugees. How the hell did he come up with that bonehead idea? This is also full of useless humor, such as the zombie getting its head blown off and the top of the skull landing on it's neck stump. And no matter what George says, he stole the zombies eating a horse idea from The Walking Dead, showing he's running out of ideas. I thought Land, where the zombies are starting to think was bad, this was worse. At least Land had a coherent story and decent acting. This was bad enough to be made by the Asylum.
Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies (2012)
An insult to one of our Greatest Presidents.
I'm sure this quickie piece of garbage was made to ride the tails of the barely enjoyable Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter. The difference: This was made with a tenth of the budget and about a billionth of the talent. An absolutely horrible film, it might have been palpable if it was funny - which is isn't. Lame acting. Horrible special effects and one of the dumbest stories (its a stretch to call it this) ever put on film. I was surprised that this lame effort at making a tax break film wasn't done by that pantheon of horrible films, The Asylum. I can't warn the reader enough: AVOID THIS WORTHLESS PIECE OF CELLULOID! It may save you the brain cells I lost wasting my time with this.
As terrible as the lame first one!
Where the first movie in this hopefully ended series didn't know if it were a serial killer/slasher/zombie movie. This one, like that, expects the viewer to believe that while the world is falling apart, and zombies are running rampant, civilization is falling apart - the some pinhead would take the time to FILM IT? Are you kidding me? I really hate this found footage garbage. If someone survives such an apocalypse, would they really want to watch a worthless film about it? Unconvincing story, so-so acting, fairly bad filming. Laughable special effects. Things like this will kill the zombie movie, since 99 percent of them are trash like this. This is just bad, bad, bad.
An Utter waste of time
What happens when you take a bunch of better ideas, throw them in a blender and then make a movie? You get this ridiculous pap. A bunch of basically unlikeable people go camping where they (no spoiler here) run into a super smart, super strong predator. They hide in a cabin and one by one, usually by their own stupidity, are killed off. The monster is nothing original, all teeth and muscle, the characters; pregnant girl, nerd, tough guy whose really a coward, etc. are all cookie cutters. We never find out a damn thing about where this monster came from. It's kind of a rip off on Prophecy, except in that we know where the bear came from - pollution. It's kind of a rip on predator, except we don't see any real intelligence. In the end what it is is a rip of the viewers time. One last thing, humans are the only predators that are diurnal (day) and nocturnal (night). Animals are one or the other. So when day came, this thing, should have gone back to its den, unless of course it was intelligent. Be intelligent and unless the viewer can see this crap for free, don't waste your time.
A Brilliant Continuation of the Re-Thinking
I have been an apes fan since I was a child. The first Apes I saw in the movies was Escape, then a few years later I sat through all Five (the Go Ape! Festival). Dawn is a brilliant film. There are no true villains (which is much like the original. The Apes weren't evil, they were afraid of Taylor). This shows how two civilizations, one rising and one failing clash. The story is tight, the film itself is beautiful. I recommend this to any movie fan. This is similar in tone, to me to Nolan's The Dark Knight. If you took Batman out of it, replaced him with a vigilante, it would still be a great film. It's the same here. The Academy will have to come up with an additional award for actors like Andy Serkis. His Cesar is brilliant. Just a tremendous film.
Garbage remake of a garbage film.
Is Elijah Wood so desperate to lose his identity as Frodo Baggins that he'll be in a piece of utter, misogynist garbage like this? About the only thing I can say is that the sfx were good, other than that, as well as being a remake of a crummy film, this is a crummy film. An unoriginal idea (oh the killer has mommy issues - see PSYCHO or SILENCE OF THE LAMBS, both infinitely better, more original films). This is just a sick exercise in violence against woman and it's not even an entertaining one. Slight of build as he is, are we really expected to believe that Wood can overpower these women? Or that women would be attracted to such a little creep as he? This is another in the long sad procession of tepid, lame remakes that Hollywood insists on pushing out. How long before Hollywood learns that these movies are worthless? How about a little originality? 10,000 novels out there and this is the best some production companies can do? Oh, and the drawn out, ridiculous ending is simply unbelievable. PASS ON THIS.