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The Finest Hours (2016)
What a waste of film. Not only is this a terrible movie, but it's an insult to the actual event. I wondered, as I watched this, did the screenplay writers even bother to read the book? It's filled with so many factual errors (wrong type of engine room for one), that my entire review could be just about that. And let's talk about Webber, the coxwain, taking off his life jacket! No Coastie would ever do something so stupid. EVER. Let's add in an unnecessary love story that simply drags the movie down. Did the idiots at Disney think women wouldn't go see a movie about one of the greatest rescues in history if there wasn't a love story in it? This movie is just a poor effort, and I'm not surprised at all that it bombed at the movies.
Lumberjack Man (2015)
Did Michael Madsen need to pay taxes?
As I write my review of this absolute garbage of a movie, I'm wondering if Michael Madsen needed to pay some back taxes or something. Let's start right up. A bunch of teens (who look nothing but) go off to a Christian Camp. Every character is a stereotype, none can act worth a damn, and the SFX are laughable. Some look like they were rented (the first two women to get killed) from a porn film. Ton's of boring gratuitous nudity doesn't help this poorly paced film. I'll be honest here if it was supposed to be a comedy - it wasn't. Most comedy/horror unless its Shaun of the Dead or Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse, or the first two Scary Movies, suck. If it's supposed to be horror - well, I'm pretty sure people have had more frightening wet dreams. Lets look at a few of the dumber things. Two porn stars (that's what they look like) bum a ride on the school bus. They get busy in a threesome. The killer (who looks part tree and is super strong, so why does he need weapons and what the hell is with those gigantic pancakes?) enters said bus, chops both their heads off (the heads flying out of each window, yanks lover boy to his feet, and stabs him through the chin and brain. Yet, this guy is able to scream? Later said killer hits a ranger in the SPINE with an ax, she's able to crawl away, drive him off with maple syrup (his weakness) and pull the ax out. Another moron has her legs and arms broken (and she's still able to talk) as he tries to make her into a picnic table. This fails and he tosses her off a tree (shades of Jason!) killing her. Another hanging by a foot, has a syrup tap driven into her skull so blood can flow. Anyone bored yet? This is just a lame version of a Friday the 13th with crappier effects. Just avoid this until one is an insomniac or a drunk.
The Midnight Meat Train (2008)
I'll say this right off. I'm not a fan of Clive Barker. Most of what has been adapted from his writings has been garbage, which brings me to this worthless waste of celluloid. Where to begin? The 'story' goes nowhere and moves at a glacial pace. Maybe it was too edited, but I doubt it. This is barely above what The Asylum does, no change that, it's less than, because I can laugh at the Asylum's pathetic attempts at anything. The acting, well Bradley Cooper sleepwalks through this silliness, while Leslie Bibb tries. Vinnie Jones is what he usually is: a hulking brute. How hard is that to play? The Special effects? Are not special at all. They are among the worst I've ever seen. Note to SFX people. When a person's head is crushed, and their eyes (I was laughing so hard at that scene I nearly fell over) pop out, the heart stops, blood stops flowing. So the woman who fell in the blood - there shouldn't be that much. Also when the killed knocked her head right off - one of the worst decapitation scenes in film history. OK, I've torn that up. Last is the glacial pacing and the inability for the film to garner any sympathy for any of the characters. Maybe Leslie Bibb, but barely. Just a terrible waste of celluloid or digital - whatever. Another of the many bad horror films that today's fans, who seem to love this garbage, go for. I think I'll pop in City of the Dead (Horror Hotel) and watch a good horror movie, maybe it'll wash the taste of this out of my brain.
First, I didn't care for the book. It was a pastiche of the worst kind. Miss Austen must be rolling in her grave. Second, I found this a waste of a good cast. The story is somewhat disjointed, bouncing around and the zombies, while they are a bit original, aren't that frightening. Perhaps it's because they talk and run at times, something I hate in the zombie genre. The story is the main problem. Rather than a good linear tale, it bounces around a bit. And the entire bit of zombies finding god? Are they really zombies then? There is an interesting idea about brains that I won't give away, but over all this just couldn't hold my attention. Meanders a bit too much and a bit too dull in parts.
Fear the Walking Dead (2015)
Started dull, but the second season is picking up steam.
When I mention that I'm not exactly in love with Fear the Walking Dead, blind fans jump right on me with, "You've only had six episodes", well guess what friends? Six episodes is exactly what the brilliant Walking Dead started with. And in six episodes of that first season, I leaned that I liked Rick, mistrusted Shane, thought Glen was a great guy, and couldn't stand Laurie. Seven episodes into Fear and I think the apocalypse start is dull, I don't like any of the characters except Strand, and the stories are dull. The finale of season 1 was the only decent episode, and even that was slow. Did the writers plan to make the teens on this show a bunch of Emo whiny punks? What's with the druggie? Where's his withdrawal? Can't drop off heroin even with a little morphine, that easily. So far, none of these people seem to have what it takes to survive and if half the cast got killed off and replaced, it would probably be all right with many fans. ADDITION: So the second season while still slow in pacing, has started better than the first. My question again is: How can I expect these people to survive? The only pragmatic one is Strand, though Nick is growing on me. The rest are still damned stupid and unlikable. Just really annoying in their indecisiveness. Oh we have to save everyone! Really? It's a brutal world now you can't save everyone. If I were Strand, as soon as I could, they'd all be dumped. All they do is put his life in danger. They don't understand - His boat, his rules. Unless they waste him which would be horrible. At least Chris is growing a pair, but I don't see Ofelia lasting. I'm going to keep watching because I think the show has potential. Hopefully the writers will wake up.
Better than Fear the Walking Dead
This follows in line with the two previous web episodes linked to the universe of the Walking Dead, which are The Bicycle girl (quite moving) and Self Storage (which is also excellent). This takes place on a plane as it approaches LAX and one patient is infected. Really well done, with a tension that the parent show (Fear) so far has been able to produce, and a quickly evolving story. This is well worth watching. One character is supposed to survive and join the cast of Fear. Maybe that will bring some spark to the parent show which so far, has been glacially slow with an unlikable cast. I'm hoping that AMC will continue with the creation of these mini shows, and do what they did here - show it on TV as well as making it available on TV.
Horrible version of the great Character
Man, and I thought the Disney version was crap. This is even worse. Why can't anyone do a decent Tarzan movie? This one, updated to today's world, makes a mockery of the story by ERB. First the kid is too old to become Tarzan, who learns and lives with the GREAT APES, not Monkeys as they constantly say in the beginning. The infant Greystoke becomes Tarzan because he is too young to unlearn anything. Nursed by the great ape Kala, nurtured by her, is the reason he becomes Tarzan. Then they update him to being an American? Horrible. The story is lame, a bare ghost of the original. The only thing worse than this is ANYTHING by the Asylum. Just a tepid watered down version of the great story. And not one voice actor worth noting!
As a Junior Enlisted officer in the military, this has always been one of my favorite episodes. It was excellent to see how the lower ranks (decks) reacted to what those above them are doing, and how the upper ranks react to what the lower decks do. Ensign Sito Jaxa was a favorite character and I really wish she would have returned or her fate determined over on DS9. She would have been a welcome addition (and perhaps a foil/protégé for Kira). I would have rather seen TNG go onto another season rather than go onto the big screen. All in all, this is one of the best episodes TNG ever did. It's too bad they didn't do more episodes showing what was going on with the lower ranks. (or that it took until O'Brien was on DS9 to give him his own pips).
What's worse than a Bad Zombie Movie?
A bad zombie movie that is also a 'shaky cam' zombie movie. This movie is just terrible. Getting a root canal without anesthesia would be less painful than watching this mess. It seems whoever wrote this dreck was on drugs and watching the poorly done Starship Troopers. Remember the silly commercials in that? Well this is one long silly commercial. Boring, and shot so that the lack of sfx wouldn't be apparent (it is), this film just blunders along from sound bite to sound bite, with everything being from the camera's point of view. I really wish movies like this would simply die out already. Shaky cam, found footage, bad sfx and acting, people today simply do not know how to make a B movie that's worth seeing. If you're an insomniac, this is the movie to watch. Otherwise, simply stay away. Far away.
The Collapsed (2011)
Worthless would be too kind.
I read some of these reviews and I wonder if A)These people saw the same movie I just wasted my time with or B) The family and friends of the people who made and starred in this wrote them. This is one of the worst films I've seen in the Apocalyptic genre. Just a terrible, boring, badly shot, badly acted, poorly plotted mess of a movie. The way these people are (and no, I'm not expecting every survivor to be Rick Grimes and company), they shouldn't have survived the first ten minutes of this disaster. They are careless, and constantly do silly and dangerous things. The world is collapsing, they find a dead kid in a car and take the time to care for the body? Who gives a damn. In the apocalyptic world, dead is dead. Move on. The acting was so wooden that it seemed Gepetto carved these people out of a tree. Want to see a good movie? Don't start here.