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Wrath of the Titans (2012)
So bad it will make your eyes bleed.
Thinking of going to see Wrath of the Titans? In 3d? Save yourself some pocket money and do the following instead: lie on the ground and pour a mixture of soil and skittles slowly into your eyes whilst mumbling the names of Greek Gods. This will have the same entertainment value as the film, and a considerably better plot.
Having seen the remake of the original, I went into Wrath of the Titans with my expectation level pretty low. Five minutes in, I quickly lowered it further. Ten minutes in... I buried my expectation level under my seat and stomped it into the ground - hard. But however low I set the bar, the film went lower. It's unimaginably dire.
There's simply nothing redeemable about the film at all. Even the impressive effects are ruined by awful direction that renders them no more engaging than watching a ten year old playing video games through a kaleidoscope.
Everyone involved in making Wrath of the Titans should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves; and to be fair Liam Neeson and Ralph Fiennes clearly are as they show it on screen. They both look embarrassed to be a part of it. I'm embarrassed that I bore witness to it. Please don't be a statistic and join us. There's nothing to see here - move along, move along.
District 9 (2009)
Avoid if you're not a moron!
The world has gone mad. How on earth this film has gained such a high score is beyond me. It is laugh-out-loud DREADFUL. The premise is reasonably interesting, but it is executed in a ridiculous fashion. There is nothing remotely realistic in this film, despite the pseudo-documentary feel to the early parts.
Here's what you do get: A man who looks remarkably like Spike Jonze running around the slums of South Africa, swearing in what sounds like a cross between Liverpudlian and Glaswegian, whilst waving a rubber hand at various extras from the cantina scene in Star Wars. (I'm sure I saw Jar Jar Binks riding a bantha in the background). Don't be fooled by anybody telling you there is a deep, brilliant allegory here to race relations. This draws as meaningful a connection to apartheid as The Hottie and the Nottie does to the atrocities at Auschwitz.
District 9 is up there with the most bemusing experiences I've had in the cinema. People came out of this film raving about it. I came out wanting to punch myself in the face. Now I've calmed down I want to punch them in the face instead. AVOID THIS MOVIE.