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Holiday in Handcuffs (2007)
My New Favorite Horrible Holiday Movie
I marked "contains spoilers" because there's no way not to spoil this movie in a review. In fact, you will have it all figured out in the first 5 minutes anyway, so it's really just about watching it all play out.
Watch Slater from Saved by the Bell get kidnapped at gunpoint by an insane Sabrina the teenage witch and be held hostage in a secluded cabin with her clueless family that ignore his constant, desperate pleas for help. Watch as Sabrina's family fall in love with Slater within the first 3 minutes of meeting him - even though the explanation for his hysterical cries of kidnapping are due to a serious anxiety problem that, if true, would put any reasonable person on alert immediately - as they rationalize away the huge amount of evidence that their daughter's new romance isn't all that it seems.
Bask in the spirit of the holidays while watching insane Sabrina's family - frisky drunken Grandma obviously included - and Slater's terrible girlfriend act out every cliché b-story from the past decade in the background of this extremely predictable "love story".
If you are a fan of horrible acting, embarrassing dialogue, predictably bad writing and inappropriate sexy bondage jokes delivered by the creepiest gas station attendant this side of the Hills Have Eyes then you and your family are in for a holiday treat. I am a fan of the above and loved this movie. It was so bad that after watching, I immediately started calling my friends and family to spread the love so we could all laugh together. It was truly awful. Slater's acting is indescribably bad. I am making this movie a holiday tradition in my home.
The Conjuring (2013)
This is a great movie, but not for the reasons you think
This review is chuck full of spoilers. Everything I wrote is a spoiler. You will be spoiled on all parts of this movie if you continue to read this review.
8 things I took away from the Conjuring in no particular order
1. The ghost hunter guy looked exactly like Will Arnett. I could not take him seriously at all. Everything he said, the way he carried himself, the outfits, the haircut - it was all Gob Bluth. In fairness, this was my perception that others wouldn't necessarily have, still, it made this movie hilarious.
2. If I ever decide to move, I am taking my dog to every open house with me and the minute Ser Barkley doesn't want to go through the front door, I'm not going through the front door. Listen to your pets, friends. They've been trying to tell you about houses filled with demons for years now.
3. When you are alone in the house with 5 children, the outside doors are banging open and you hear footsteps and destruction in various rooms - run past the phone to investigate the basement. DO NOT CALL THE POLICE. As an unarmed person, you are the perfect one to protect your family and defeat whomever might've broken into your home in the middle of the night.
4. If a monster showed up in the scary armour, clapping and whispering "I'm going to kill you and your family", most young children would get out of bed to check it out in the dark. This is the normal response of a scared child, not screaming their faces off until a parent comes into the room like 7-year-old you and I would've done.
5. How unlucky did these people get? They couldn't just buy a haunted house, they had to buy the most haunted house ever in existence. The big backstory reveal was so hilariously over the top, everyone I watched this with was in tears from laughing so hard.
6. It invades the mother to kill the child. It invades the mother to kill the child. It invades the mother to kill the child. "Here kids, jump into the car with your bruised up mom, who's been acting funny since having a weird episode in the bathroom a couple hours ago. Oh and don't worry about that part 10 minutes ago where we mentioned she was being fed on by a demon. Go ahead and drive to a motel while the rest of us that are trained to deal with type of thing stay here. Nothing could possibly go wrong with this plan." It invades the mother to kill the child.
7. "As a trained ghost hunter, I think it's safest to keep my collection of possessed demon trinkets locked up in my converted guest bedroom. I'm sure my 6-year-old daughter will be fine sleeping a few rooms down. It's just not worth an investment in a backyard shed or external storage site. The church is fine with this plan. It's also a good idea to show it off to reporters in hope that they write positive things, just as long as they don't touch anything of course."
8. This is the most powerful demon in the history of demons. It has caused centuries of death and madness to a huge radius of land. Having a demon hunter exercise it out of existence takes 5, 6 minutes at most. Gob Bluth is well-trained in this, he's seen it done before a few times.
I'm giving this movie high marks because it was the funniest movie I've seen all year. Bonus points to Brad Hamilton, the best cop in town and my favorite person in this movie. I want a sequel where it's him and the audio kid running around solving paranormal crimes.
Paranormal Activity (2007)
Maybe if I wasn't rooting for the demonghostmonster to kill them..
Let me start my review by giving you a little background on myself. When I was 20, I had to have my neighbor walk me down to our shared laundry room for 6 straight months because the ending of The Blair Witch Project turned me into a quivering, scary pants wussy. I cannot hear the music from the movie Halloween - we're talking a commercial in broad daylight - without getting immediately creeped out and double - checking my locked doors. I'm still waiting on evidence that the closet monster doesn't really exist. I'm that person.
Knowing this about myself and seeing the trailers, I was prepared to be really, REALLY scared by this movie. I even went to the bathroom while my boyfriend was putting the DVD in so I wouldn't have to make that scary, dark hallway trip during the movie if nature called.
Initially (as in, the first 5-10 minutes), the movie seemed on track. Creepy sounds and doors creaking aplenty. Then the characters started having these long, boring, stfu conversations and, at that point, I realized that I hated them both. I then zoned out for awhile to decide which one I hated more...
Sometime around night #8 (#18? #49?), I zoned back in and decided that I hated the guy more because he was an idiot and an all around dbag. Then after a few more minute decades of watching them sleep and have even more stfu conversations, I switched my vote to hating her more. Mostly, this was due to the hilarious way dbag guy kept running around that 700 square foot townhouse in the dark and yelling like a professional wrestler at the ghost demon. Yes, because I'm sure ghost demons are terrified of dorks with cameras shouting the f word at them. That earned Dbag the only comedy points in this movie. I ended up playing the "who do I hate most" game the next 30 or so minutes. Dbag just went against whatshernames wishes and brought in the Ouija board anyway? Wow, that's a jerk move, I hate him most. Whatshername has been haunted by a demon ghost (that specializes in slamming doors) all her life and, at age 30, it's just now becoming a major problem? And her solution is to whine about it with no real plan and not to have the bazoombies to call the demonologist herself because Dbag laughed at her? Now I hate her the most. Why doesn't Dbag get worried that whatshername is standing at the side of the bed, making crazy murder eyes at him, at 3:00 in the morning? Oh, because he's a moron and I hate him most.
It was right about this time that I started actively rooting for the demon ghost to kill them both so I could catch the end of South Park. Unfortunately, this didn't even happen until 25 boring minutes later.