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Gangland Undercover: Nowhere Man (2016)
Old Series Repackaged
When you consider that a better written vehicle for life in an MC existed in Sons of Anarchy, which has met its demise, I have to ask History Channel one thing. Why? Charles Falco had a set of balls. That has been established. But a good story and good story telling aren't connecting here. I think the History Channel's "Gangland" biker episodic "re-enactments" from 2007-2010 have gotten so long in the tooth, the idea to take another run at it this genre with some fresh faces and better opening music and graphics aren't enough to keep me tuned in. Same stories repackaged and resold. Not buying.
One Eyed Girl (2014)
Vague, disjointed, contrived.
I swear I didn't dose off at in the first 45 minutes of this film, but it really seemed as though there were big gaping holes in the story. Really got tired of these tedious cult people forcing him to drink some gunk which he invariably upchucks. The story inched along, didn't pick up pace and left me feeling as though I was standing on a dark corner waiting for a ride at 3am. Would not recommend to anyone. Another of many Superchillin offerings that tout better than a 7.2 stars on IMDb, but when I actually come here, find it's a good 2 stars lower rated. 3 reviews are not a wide enough base to feasibly rate a film. The producer, director and main character could have logged on and given it rave reviews, but this was nothing close to the quality or content I would expect from a 7.2 star movie.
Another in a long line of hyped INDIE burns
As soon as I saw subtitles and and a plain-faced woman in her 20's, I thought....ah a "Run Lola Run" wanna-be. For someone portraying herself as a good girl from Madrid, she sure made the reckless decisions of a girl anxious to be raped, used or killed. From the onset, a "good girl" would have seen trouble written all over four loudmouthed drunken Berlin boys and steered clear of them, but of course, that wouldn't have made a very interesting movie.
Personally, I am sick to death of the one shot film genre because, frankly, they are always mediocre. They are generally over-acted, over-the-top caricatures that become tedious in the first 20 minutes of the film. Why I bothered to watch over 2 hours of this Teutonic skid- mark was partially because I was bored and not feeling up to finding the remote to shut it down. I've decided that when a movie has fewer than 50 reviews on IMDb, nobody should take the rating seriously. Even if the actors, director, writer, crew, and their families were directed as part of their contract to establish pen-name accounts to "talk up" the film, there would be more than the 40 or so reviews peppered with high praise and superlatives. This was amateur writing, mediocre acting, and a waste of time. No ride at all, unless you consider running to the toilet to projectile vomit is your sort of ride
Won't Have A Chance to Spoil. It's Already Dead
Interesting idea, but it feels too forced and the chemistry is non-existent. I guess the people who have rated it high enough to reach a 7.1 average rating are convinced this must be good considering the star power (mainly SNL alumni) who populate the episodes I've seen so far. IMHO, it didn't hold up. If the "Indie" crowd says it's genius, it must be genius. But I didn't find it entertaining. Will Farrell's tired imitation of Orson Wells is annoying and played out. Have no idea who wrote the stories, jokes and dialogdon't really care who did. The two episodes I watched were tedious and forgettable. I did, however enjoy the song Maya Rudolph sang at the beginning of Murder in B Flat. It was an accurate cover/ parody of Astrud Gilberto accompanied by Stan Getz circa 1965. Other than that.....YAWN/SIGH!!
One can hope a remake will be better
In all honesty, the original "Poltergeist" was a bit of a let-down when considering that it was promoted as a "Spielberg" movie. That was a deceptive marketing ploy. I wouldn't have given the original a higher rating than this remake. Spielberg didn't direct the original. Tobe Hooper did. Spielberg only lent his name and production resources. So before everyone gets all sentimental over the original being so awesome, let the facts show that E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial released the weekend after Poltergeist, and while Poltergeist beat out E.T. in box office draw its first week out, E.T. took in 7 times the gross of Poltergeist over the course of its run.
This remake wasn't bad. Decent enough CG. A-List quality acting talent (even if Rockwell has dropped a bit in popularity). I thought the drone was a nice touch. The otherworldly landscape of slimy writhing bodies was far more nightmare-worthy than the puppet-like creature in Tope Hooper's rendition. I also thought the little girl's closet portal was much better in this version. I remember making the comment while viewing the original, that Carol-Ann's closet needed some Vagisil®. Judging by the laughs I got from nearby viewers, I'd say my observation was accurate.
People always defend the original when remakes emerge. But in my opinion, a movie has to be far more timeless and legendary to be worth leaving alone and not attempting to improve upon its perfection. Very few films qualify for that sort of honor.
The Brady Bunch Movie (1995)
The Randy Raunch Movie
If your tastes run toward the perverse and twisted, this lewd retread of a squeaky clean wholesome American sit-com will have many gut laughing. I'm no prude and enjoy blue humor as much as anyone, but the writers of this film just made the blue humor creepy instead of cleaver. It was like they made scenes off color just for the sake of besmirching the memory of the albeit corny-cleanness of the original TV series. If Sherwood Schwartz hadn't protested, there probably would have been a scene suggesting Greg and his mom were entangled in an incestuous tryst. Or that Mike (dad) was cruising public restrooms for gay glory holes. A retrospective "Thank You" to Sherwood. Even when Hollywood said you were dead (getting their wires crossed when Bob "Gilligan" Denver passed), you were faithful to the things you created, and I admire that. Some things just shouldn't be sold out.
The Ideal (2011)
Do not operate heavy machinery while watching this film
It can cause drowsiness and lapses in consciousness. If you struggle with insomnia, watch The Ideal and be prepared for some serious snoozing. Rarely does a film create such a deep and unbroken monotonous boredom leading downward to an unavoidable state of comatose catatonia. It seemed as though even the actors themselves were drifting into intractable stupors from having to act in this hypnotic bit of sedative celluloid. I gave it one star as a film. I would give it 10 stars as one of the most effective sleeping aids I've ever encountered. Not to mention that Alex looked more like a 30 year-old CPA than he did a believable high school student. And how in the world was the actor who portrayed his father billed as? Loser farting father? Man alive!
Nowhere Safe (2014)
After-School Special on Cyber-Bullying
I have no idea how this film even received 5 stars out of ten. The website I watched this film from showed that IMDb rated it at 8 stars. I was shocked. Anything with Jamie Kennedy carrying anything above a 4 or 5 star review was certainly worth my time. So I watched it. I waited and waited for something about the movie to cause me to agree that it deserved the 8 star IMDb rating it had claimed to achieve. In fact, at the film's mid-point, I might have given it a 5 star review, but the ending was ridiculous. The film floated the notion that absolutely ANYTHING posted on YouTube will go viral in matter of minutes. As well the film perpetuated the myth that everyone is gullible and believes everything they read online refusing to understand, let alone believe that fictitious Facebook pages can be created to defame a person. And how easily the tide turned against the lies and bullying once everyone discovered "the error of their ways". If that wasn't bad enough, the only two distinguishable actors, Natasha Henstridge and Jamie Kennedy close this unbelievable After-School Special on Cyber-Bullying, with the most forced and unnatural looking lip-lock it has ever been my discomfort to see. My lord, what a bad film. If there is a hell, it would be forced viewing (eye-lids peeled back and held with clips) of this sort of stuff for an eternity.
Hide Your Smiling Faces (2013)
The cinematography was really good. The "boy" antics believable. But any sort of story was kind of non-existent. No character development. No history or back story revealed regarding Ian's family...Eric and Tommy's family for that matter. i guess the viewer is supposed to guess how Ian wound up dead next to the train trestle. Was it a suicide? Was Ian's father's rebuke so devastating he couldn't go on living? And why was Eric's pal suicidal? No explanation there either. Also...where were the daughters? Maybe that's why Eric's buddy wanted to die. He was born into a mid-west sausage-fest farming community where it appeared the only modes of sexual release were farm animals or same-sex friends. The whole Roman-Greco wrestling matches were a bit homo-erotic. Yeah, I wrestled occasionally with my guy friends where spontaneous erections from unintentional or maybe even intentional friction happened...but that all ended by 7th or 8th grade. The only wrestling I did after 14 was in high school gym class because I had to. Once the credits began to roll, I felt as though the writers must have knocked off early or were never there to start with) and nobody could figure out how to end it. Though the moment between Tommy and Ian's dad was touching, I was sort of hoping Ian's dad would give Tommy a reason to use the pistol he took from his shed. Not that I love violence, but the film up to then had been such mealy pap anything would have made it more interesting. I guess it was interesting enough to keep me from turning it off. But just barely.
Days and Nights (2014)
Trying hard to be artsy and "smart", but just comes off as clumsy and "dumb".
I would say the finale of this film could be a spot-on summation of the average viewer's overall demeanor for being suckered into watching the film and possible self-destructive bent to paint the walls with their gray matter. After wading through the many unsympathetic, and downright tedious characters depicted in this long-winded overblown film, I can't believe I hadn't shut it down to watch something more entertaining...like a moth circling around my living room lamp. Allison Janney, William Hurt, Jean Reno...Katie Holmes (oh well can't blame her for trying anything to put more distance between herself and Psycho-entologist ex-hubby Cruise) one might think the acting talent could make this movie worth my while. Wrong. I suppose even the best of actors can't make a turd dance a foxtrot.