97 ReviewsOrdered By: Date
Hide (2008)
Unfrozen Indy Filmmaker : A Bedtime Story
19 April 2010
In 1994, while working as a waiter in a trendy Hollywood restaurant, aspiring filmmaker K.C. Bascombe was retrieving a frozen dish from the walk-in freezer, when the place was raided and shut down by the city of Los Angeles, after apparently making the mistake of serving Barbara Streisand her main entrée before she was finished with the teaser. (Babs hates that.)

Accidentally locked in the freezer, he's trapped in a state of suspended animation for fourteen long years. Miraculously, when K.C. is thawed out, he's still alive and full of movie ideas.

After a quickie lawsuit against the city, he obtains the funds to finance the quintessential early-nineties independent film, the story of a murderous, philosophical dirt-bag who take off in his 1960's convertible, on a nicotine fueled crime-spree across the truck-stops and greasy-spoon diners of the southwest, with his loud, over-sexed hick girlfriend, who likes to shout, "You sweet on me!" to greasy, fat rednecks before flipping out and offing them.

The problem with KC's script was that time had passed him bye. His ideas, that were once so hip and fresh, had been squeezed of all their potential in the years that he'd been away.

At his wits end, he summoned the help of others, writers more experienced in the modern ways of screen-writing. Those men helped KC a lot, introducing new concepts to the hopelessly behind-the-times filmmaker, modern concepts like having no real action or suspense in the film and adding mindless torture in order to give pimply-faced geeks a chubby.

With the screenplay finished, KC was quite excited. He immediately suggested to the casting director that the two leads should be filled by Woody Harrelson (that funny guy from "Cheers") and Juliette Lewis (whom he loved in Kalifornia), only to be nervously told that those two already made a film together and besides, they're both a bit too old these days. After all, it's been fourteen years!

KC then suggested Christian Slater and Patricia Arquette, prompting the casting director to quit.

With no famous actors in the leading roles, KC soldiered forward with an actor and actress who mimicked Woody and Juliette quite nicely, filming his movie, which he called Hide, and eventually releasing it on DVD.

"What's a DVB?", asked KC, who's last memories of home video were of 1994, videocassettes, and Blockbuster Video.

"It's called a DV-D.", replied the distributor. "It's like a tiny laser-disc!"

And so it was released, prompting sarcastic a--holes like myself much merriment, as it was just too derivative of about a million other movies (Wild At Heart, Kalifornia, True Romance, Pulp Fiction, Natural Born Killers, The Road Killers, Love And A .45, Freeway) from the early to mid-nineties.

However, it's mindless scenes of torture, as well as it's excessive heavy-petting, did give pimply-faced geeks across America plenty of Chubbies!

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Knowing (2009)
Thanks For Nothing, Alien Scum!
1 April 2010
Warning: Spoilers
Let me get this straight - these aliens have mastered interstellar space travel, can predict the future at least fifty years in advance, possibly time travel, and can manipulate the minds of human beings. They can just about do anything, except help us the (expletive) out!

Perhaps maybe they could have done us a small favor like maybe shielding the Earth from the sun-bursts, or if they wanted to remain undetected, beam the solution into Nick Cage's brain-pan. The least they could have done was send a scientist a letter, fifty-years back and let him work on it himself. That would have been nice!

Instead, these extraterrestrial jerks ruin a woman's life and scare the hell out of a couple of kids, before flying them off to a wilderness planet, clueless as to how to survive and left to their own devices.

Meanwhile, the rest of us get to howl in excruciating pain as the flesh melts from our bodies!

With friends like these, who needs Reptillians?!
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There's only one reason to watch this. You know what it is!
14 January 2010
Warning: Spoilers
This is the type of late-night cable flick usually associated with Andrew Stevens or Shannon Tweed. Though unlike most of Tweed and Stevens' T&A fueled vehicles, this is lethally dull!

Let's cut to the chase. The real reason for watching this non-thriller is to see Shannon Doherty's breasts. Anyone who states otherwise is a LIAR! However, most of her steamy sex scenes appear to be all smoke and mirrors.

Notice that all the shots where her head and chest show at the same time are quick peek-a-boo flashes. The frames where the camera lingers on her nude body, there's little or no face attached or she's behind a dripping, wet shower door.

All you boob-watchers out there know what that means - Body double!

I must admit though, that the finale where Doherty is bound, blindfolded and menaced with a knife, provided a certain fetishistic thrill.

If you find a VHS copy anywhere, buy it! As all involved are probably too embarrassed to ever let this come out on DVD!
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Exit Speed (2008)
P.C. Junk
7 January 2010
Whatever entertainment this rehash of John Carpenter's Assault On Precinct 13 may have provided is undone by lame attempts on the part of the filmmakers to score cheap political points.

The whole thing's basically an exercise in politically correct stereotyping. The heroine is an AWOL Iraq War vet/victim, apparently forced into the military by her mean, draft-dodging politician dad, giving a few characters a chance to (yawn) take pot-shots at Bush/Cheney.

As the other smart and righteous characters, there's a single mom (Lea Thompson sure has sunk!), a hippie vegan girl, a black girl, and a Mexican guy. Unfortunately for the superior folks, they're saddled with a few stupid white men who act like blow-hard jerks.

However, there is one token smart white guy. Though he's been on hard times and learned the error of his white-devil ways. More importantly, he's sooo cute!

The two stars I give it are for the bloody gunshots and projectiles. They deserve a better script!
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Boot Camp (2008)
Are We Supposed To Sympathize With These Awful Kids?
28 December 2009
Sorry, but from what I've seen of these little turd-muffins, they're getting exactly what they deserve!

Yeah, I know - I'm a fascist. But these people (especially the main character) are obnoxious creeps!

The film's target audience of fourteen-year-olds might not realize it, but making sexual abuse allegations against someone simply because they "cramp your style" is a nasty, vicious thing to do. She then has the nerve to say she's stuck in that hellhole because "she lied"!

If the girl's stepfather were smart, he would have sued the girl for defamation of character and took her trust-fund!

It's sad to see that even after their ordeal at the hands of the hippie-dippie, new age doctor and his jack-booted thugs, that each of these spoiled-rotten brats retained every single bit of the unfounded self-righteousness and selfishness they came in with!

I hate youth culture. Someone, please bomb the Island.

Exterminate the brutes ...the horror... the horror...
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27 October 2009
Do not listen to the glowing reviews of this movie! It's a despicable piece of crap! They are using the name Iron Maiden in an attempt to steal your money! Bruce Dickenson's pathetic attempt to ape the success of Rob Zombie by becoming a rock star filmmaker is an absolutely silly failure that deserves to be shunned by moviegoers the world over. This was so bad it makes Dee Snider's Strangeland look entertaining.

The actor who plays the reborn Aleister Crowley seems to be the only person having any fun. I don't know much about Crowley but this guy seems more like the reincarnation of the Marquis De Sade.

Quickly, his actions become tiresome and repetitive. The character's motivation for what he's doing becomes lost in the endless sea of Mumbo Jumbo and fake science.

In the end there is a smug attempt to try to get the words "social commentary" into people's descriptions of this movie and gain a little favor with left-leaning critics and probably radical British clerics as well. It's nothing more than a gratuitous Bush bash.
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Blast (2000)
I Hated These Kids !
11 October 2009
Warning: Spoilers
If this is an example of what to expect out of today's youth then please give me a gun and let me end it all right now! These kids were absolute smug worthless losers who at every turn chose to do the stupidest thing possible.

Even the adults in this one are pretty disgusting. The town's chief of police witnesses a crime and covers it up. He then commits a crime himself and covers it up. He confides in a fellow officer who proceeds to keep her mouth shut, helping him cover it up. With role models like this, no wonder the kids are so vile!

Hell, the only person in the whole film who does the right thing is the character that these extremely wrongheaded filmmakers attempt to manipulate the viewer into disliking!

Ed Lauter's character should have come back from the "grave", tracked down each of these little turds, crammed a piece of his coveted dynamite up their wazoos and lit the fuse! Then he should have tied the two cops to chairs and used a chainsaw to give each of them the death of a thousand cuts!

However, the young actors gave pretty good performances playing despicable scum of the earth. They should have all died.
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Dead Clowns (2004)
Bozo Is Spinning In His Grave.
26 July 2009
Warning: Spoilers
Apparently made by and for clowns, Dead Clowns is an inept rip-off of The Fog.

First of all, I don't buy the story that a train full of clowns would plunge into a body of water without at least an attempt made to recover the corpses, even in the 1950's. Secondly, I don't believe for one minute that someone wouldn't have erected some kind of a monument, not even in a local cemetery.

However, I'll give director Steve Sessions some credit for being one of the few low-budget filmmakers to understand that a film is primarily a story told in pictures and not endless streams of worthless dialogue, but he loses all points gained by loading the film down with endless scenes of characters doing lots of mundane things like Brinke Stevens removing her contact lenses, the guy in the wheelchair taking out candles from a drawer, and the night watchman preparing a line of cocaine. These things just bloated the running time and made the movie more boring. Also, what's with the camera always being on the floor constantly photographing the clown's feet? Is this movie called Dead Clowns or Night Of The Living Clown Shoes?

Most of the dialogue is drowned out by the blaring music and rain sound-effects, causing most of the zombie clown's back-story to be nearly inaudible. This is unacceptable.

The serial-killer couple are obnoxious and pretty pointless. What was the reason of making them murderers? Was it to solely to show a priest getting his brains blown out? I found it pretty laughable that this bonehead tries so hard to stop the zombie clown attack. Does he feel like he's the only one entitled to murder people? Last but not least, the method used to (temporarily) repel the dead clown attack is horribly silly. Mr. serial killer makes a memorial sign with a piece of poster-board and a Sharpie and places it on the bank. That's all they wanted?!
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Run Like Hell (1995)
Horrible, just horrible! Run like hell indeed!
17 July 2009
I would only recommend this post-apocalyptic home video to big fans of heavy T&A and thong enthusiasts that like the kind that ride high on the hips and make the wearer's buttocks look long and droopy (I think you know what kind I'm referring to. I hate those.)

The silly plot has Robert Z'Dar (whose scenes look as if they're shot in a day) as the despotic warden of a futuristic women's prison. Luckily for him, all single women have been rounded up and incarcerated. Needless to say, all the inmates wear the afore mentioned high-riding thong and nothing else.

Thrown in are an escape, a cyborg bounty hunter, chainsaws, some ninjas, and other crap that came springing from the minds of the three (It took three people to write this!) obviously twelve-year-old writers.

In case my words inadvertently inspire someone to watch this, let me end by pleading with you to please skip it. It sounds very cool but it's a boring, shot on video mess. It's so bad I had to turn the lights on and stand up to keep from falling asleep.
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Boogievision (1977)
Not Funny!
17 July 2009
Apparently people in the seventies laughed at anything, even crap. Boogievision is proof of that. Then again I don't smoke tons of wacky tobaccy like everyone else who thinks this kind of film is funny.

It tries hard to be like the early (overrated) years of Saturday Night Live, The Groove Tube, and Kentucky Fried Movie but the jokes are more embarrassing than hilarious.

The structure of Boogievision is also pretty bad. There's the main story of the hippie film director who looks a bit like Dennis Hopper in Easy Rider. In the first scene he exposes a badly run sanitarium in a scene stolen directly from a young Geraldo Rivera! After that he becomes decidedly more immature and stays pretty much unlikable throughout the film.

His trials and tribulations while trying to direct a crap movie aren't very interesting or sexy, despite loads of full frontal nudity.

Then there's the badly written TV parodies that litter the place, cutting in at random intervals. Though marginally more entertaining than the story of the film director, they're still pretty bad unless you think dildos are funny.

Do yourself a favor and get high before you watch this!
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