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Blue Summer (1973)
A Minor Masterpiece About Nobodies
The flower began to mature in the fifties, rot away in the sixties, and became vile in the seventies. By the eighties, it was all dead. Lick on a nipple, suck on a pipe, and eat some pie babe, rebellion running away from mother puritan and all that was once innocent, sweet, and pure before it got dirty doing it like wild animals in the jungle over and over again pointlessly. Nothing ever changes. Nothing is ever new. More beer. More wine. The smell of death begins to linger defying defecation, she cries out once again "Oh!" and "Ah!" Then after she becomes another she among other shes all with the same anatomy just different hair color, size and shape of breasts, but these will always be those distinctive seventies breasts with silver dollar sized nipples stuck onto the ends of oblonged bazookas. She will then cry out again "Oh!" and then "Ah!" with the same ole' licking on a nipple, sucking on a pipe, and eating pie. There is one interesting scene involving the nibbling on a toe of a soft white leg. Towards the middle, the young men in this movie come to realize they have become the joke of Hollywood. Indeed, never again would another movie of consequence involve them beyond porn. Horror creeps along following after the young women in this movie for, as they are now old women, they must feel quite ashamed of what they had once had to do to make a cheap buck.
One Fall (2011)
This is a cheap copy of a horrible original movie by Midnight Shallow Light
Remember that dumb movie by Midnight Shallow Light called "Unbreakable" starring Bruce Willis and how he couldn't be destroyed. This movie is even dumber. How dumb is this movie? Even the kid that plays the dumb kid is dumb. And does the pretty actress in this movie have any naked pictures of herself on the internet? No! Was the music score in this movie any good? Well, it was too good actually. Will this movie be a hidden gem in a hundred years? Not in a million. The movie starts off as a mystery in that not quite enough information connects the dots to make the story understandable. It is almost as if one is starting off from a sequel, or worse, from a cheap TV series. Look, don't end your life. Instead, just don't watch this movie. It isn't even dumb enough to be watched as a comedy.
Whoever Wrote the Script for This Movie Blows Big Time
I'm not even going to waste my time with this movie. I've just got a few things to ask the writer of the script. Hey, is this what you truly think of your audience? Are we crap in your world? Why not just spit on us? I work hard to pay good money ($1.25) to purchase this movie and this is what I get? You know, this goes to prove that if reality was half as bad as Hollywood depicts it, the evil in this world would be four times as bad. And, by the way, thinking twenty moves ahead in a chess game is absurd. Why not have a chihuahua jump off from the Empire State Building onto the Statue of Liberty? Now that would be believable for sure. Is the word stupid written onto my forehead or what? Please, get therapy soon. In the meantime, go find yourself a day job.
American Psycho (2000)
As I was afraid to laugh, this movie is a dark comedy
I give this movie an 8 because it flows along from beginning to end in absurd Hunter S. Thompson like fashion much like the movies "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" and "Crank." So, it isn't an original. About the segment of society that is cool-as-a-cucumber and sophisticated, "American Psycho" is "The Matrix" with color added. The antagonist bad guy in this movie is not an an individual but more of an abstract expressing how a lone psychopathic killer can go unnoticed in a sociopathic business world. Christian Bale plays the part of vice president Patrick Bateman. Patrick Bateman plays the part of me, myself and I which Freud commonly referred to as the "It" (id) character to the ego and the superego. It loves himself. It only thinks about himself. It wants the best business card. It humps and pumps faceless women while cherishing and filming himself. It wants to be able to call a restaurant and get an immediate reservation. When It doesn't get what he wants, he kills out in the open any time and any where. There is certainly a lot to explore in the depths of this disturbing dark comedy. Perhaps the reason this movie is so puzzling to many is because it accurately portrays society for what it is. While those on top of the world like to think of themselves as above nature, they are in fact the top predators in it.
Search and Destroy (1995)
This masterpiece was written for just one person. Me.
You know, if we all accepted ourselves playfully as the planet of hypocrits we truly are by never taking ourselves too seriously, then the only bad actors in our dramas about life would be those intolerant audience members in the movie who get up to storm off in a huffy right before the true meaning of it is revealed! Back in 1995, I guess that included just about everyone. This movie is really misunderstood and who can blame the audience as the flick was meant to ridicule about everyone, but mainly the sophisticated talksie dialog movies that were being shown at the art movie houses and on the big commercial screens as well. This movie doesn't suck while it isn't about movies that suck, but it's actually more about why movies will one day suck, which, as we can plainly see nowadays, most of them do. Back during this absurd age of making lots of movies with dialog, we are talking the likes of Pulp Fiction (1994) here, in comparison, the nonsense written in this movie flows along gorgeously! And, speaking of gorgeous, check out the inward beauty that pretty Illeana Douglas so wonderfully expresses in this movie. Indeed, there are three beautiful women altogether in this movie, but she really takes the cake! I think her performance is masterful. Especially when one juxtaposes her against the unexpected appearance of the nude blond model. When she blazed on the screen, I had a difficult time focusing in on her. At first, I didn't even know what I was looking at. As her breasts began to come into focus, my first thoughts were, "Well, her nipples seem rather small and her breasts look kind of saggy." But then, being a typical male, as I started connected the whole of her nudeful body parts together into a uniform flow of form, function, tecture, tone, and all those other artsy sophistications the crowd at Starbucks likes tossing about, well, the blond simply looked smashing. Griffin Dunne plays a Woody Allen part so brilliantly that he out Woody Allens the great Woody Allen himself. In my opinion, this movie is better than any produced and directed by Woody Allen. In fact, if the comedian actor had written, directed, and starred in it, the movie would have gone down as an all time classic. And did I mention how gorgeous Rosanna Arquette was in her performance? Her blend of bite and bustiness is surely the kind of woman I desire, you know, the kind who is always nibbling on the ear lobe complaining about having been born cheated into this world. Once again, the quality of the acting in this movie is quite useful in keeping ones attention fixed on the potential that there just might be something meaningful hidden deep in the script. I really liked this movie. For the $2.99 I paid, it was a bargain. I would have even considered paying $10.00 for this movie which is a lot in my world. Well, maybe $9.99. All toes point upward on this movie.
The Other (1972)
If this movie is a Masterpiece, then why isn't it?
What is the problem with the story of this movie? Why, it fails at the conclusion. Yet, this movie is still a great masterpiece for 99% of the way before it falters awfully, horribly, and terribly wrong by sticking something very precious into a wine barrel. Because it teaches us all something about what kinds of immense effort should go into writing a conclusion and how important such endings are (the conclusion is half the effort in writing a story), I still give this movie a ten. That's right! Everything else in this movie is absolutely perfect from the music score, the directing,and the acting. Pay attention, beloved movie goers, as I rarely ever give a rating above five much less a ten. When writing a great conclusion, surprisingly, one actually begins winding down towards the beginning of the story giving us hints subconsciously as to what is about to happen. One might notice in the scene at the freak show the abortion exhibited in a bottle? Later on, Hollands talks to his mother on a swing about horrible creatures called "changlings." His mother complains that she doesn't like that story and what mother would? Look, this story is headed in the wrong direction! Certainly it can't continue on towards this horrible end! See, there is a rule in writing that if the audience ever thinks of the writer and about what he or she must have been thinking making them write such a thing, no matter if they should become distracted by such thoughts during the very last moments of the movie, the conclusion fails and the story itself fails. That's right! The narrator should always be invisible. While this movie fails at the end, I still think it is a masterpiece. So, I think you should watch this movie. I do hope after reading this review you find peace in enjoying it even more. Still, you might end up sucking your thumb for the rest of your life!
And just why didn't I give this a 1 out of 10 rating?
Fact! People don't know trash unless they buy all their movies for $2.99. In British currency, that would be $1.25. Another fact! Who wants to watch the reality of life's dirt when they have already suffered working all day long in it? Don't we go to the movies to dream about being what only a few of us ever achieve? I mean, why watch pathetic actors acting like pathetic people! But I've got to give this movie a two, beloved movie goers, as I just might have a hot woman over sometime and, depending on her personality, it might pass as a babe flick. But then, who knows? Instead, we might just go straight to the coffee. Ahem. Fact! The gray rabbits teeth and the thick eyebrows on the women just doesn't do it for me! And why always have the act of sex happening when a mixed couple get together? I mean, that is so eighties while the endeavor really isn't as entertaining as it once was nor does it really anger anyone. Why not have them go shopping for cripes sake! You know, normal people having to suffer tremendously together as the poor African American bloke is having to go shopping with the ole' ball and chain rather than staying at home watching the cricket finals. Did I say African American? Hee hee. Fact! This movie starts off as something of a documentary and then mixes in with a lot of artistic goo. You know, that abract kind of stuff they do by smearing in a lot of pastel paint into the scenery. But then the tone develops a plot all of the sudden which kind of confused me. Look, either keep it all porn or make something socially valuable out of it! Fact! This movie sucks.
Janghwa, Hongryeon (2003)
This movie was a good buy for $2.99.
I have shaken violently about the floor, thrown up, and taken countless numbers of showers lately after watching all the budget movies I have purchased for $2.99. This movie is a good one. Well, who knows really? I mean, I don't even know what the civilization (Eastern) is about much less their traditions. See, it isn't a matter of suspending my disbelief as much as I don't know what the hell their culture is about. But all the ladies in this movie are dolls while, helping out the plot immensely for my typically simple male mind, there is only two men in it with the old one playing the role of, well, an old man. This movie is "The Grudge" meets "The Other." Its music score doesn't follow along playing "doing ping doing doing ding ding" like you would expect in an Asian movie score, but actually sounds quite westernly good. You know, I really haven't given any of this movie away, but I had still better give it a spoiler designation. My recommendation? Hey, watch the movie "The Other" first. It is simply the most horrible movie and I don't mean quality wise, but horror wise. Certainly all the actors in that movie are still suffering from the effects of the ending to it. Anyway, I would have bought this movie for $3.50. It is that good!
The Ring Two (2005)
Why does this movie fail?
Hello, beloved movie goers. Of course, I assume you have watched The Ring itself and found the first movie somewhat of a classic. If not, quit reading this review. If you are still reading, then you probably agree that the first movie had a good plot, a good monster, and a lot of interesting subplots going for it. Unfortunately, the second movie is bad for the usual reason they all tend to be bad. Why doesn't Hollywood get it? How many great monsters have been transformed into cream puffs by slowly degenerating them into momma monsters and then into little baby monsters? Of course, what comes to mind here are the "alien" and "Godzilla" monsters. These were great terrifying monsters before they were transformed into anticlimactic globs of cheap plastic and foam. Of course, then every minor character of the first movie has to come back playing a major role in every following movie in the series. Indeed, the bit of irony at the end of the original movie, The Ring, was how the satanic child Samara was not a good monster after all - as the strange little boy had to point out to his stupid blonde mother. So, that set the second movie up nicely, right? Wrong. It would take a real dingbat to mess it up, and that is exactly what happened. I mean, you don't even have to spend thirty minutes of the second movie doing any character development. Still, these guys should have wrote a whole other original music score for the second movie. It isn't that the music is dull, but it is the same music from the first movie for cripes sake. Plus, it is so easy to be successful, folks. How do you write a successful horror series? Well, you can keep the monster original by advancing the sub plots instead. The movie needed more of that thing they did with the deer banging their antlers into the car and less of the cheap "boo!" tactics they used that weren't even used in the first movie. Another thing, when will directors quit spending all their money on special effects at tje beginning of a movie thus leaving the final scenes high and dry to be done on the cheap? Don't watch this movie, beloved movie goers. Instead, walk your dog or dogs!
Alien Trespass (2009)
Hello, beloved movie goers. Unfortunately, this movie really sucks. Totally inappropriate for a retro movie, I had to hide the eyes of my dog when the part showed the doctor and his wife blatantly sharing the same bed together. Being a typical man, I kept imagined retroactively making love to all the pretty breasted women in this movie, but then I realized they would all be old women by now. But then I remembered this is a retro movie! Needless to say, all that thinking got me out of the mood. And if this had actually been a movie of the 50s, would it have been ahead of its time? The answer is no. Was this a comedy? No. It did have some lightheartedness in it to be sure, but it couldn't make up its mind one way or the other. Did the special effects in the movie accurately depict the horrible special effects used in movies back then? To this, my answer is "Huh?" As one of these flicks would have cost about $34,000 to produce back then and as this new one probably cost a total of $2,000,000, when taking inflation into account, this movie will probably become long forgotten in no time at all and then filed away as just another one of those cheap movies from the fifties. Don't buy this movie. Don't even rent it. Indeed, wait until the movie is one day included in with eleven other dumb movies from the fifties. Then buy it!