Reviews written by registered user

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186 reviews in total 
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18 out of 35 people found the following review useful:
Violence Without Consequences = Childish Nonsense, 19 February 2017

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

"I keel you, I keel all of you. Kill, kill, and more kill." And throw in a few completely pointless and stupid car chases and lots of explosions for the mouth-breathers and you have a formula for a successful action movie.

This is the wet dream fantasy of booger eaters and video game dorks with an emotional age of nine. So John Wick is like the Harlem Globetrotters and the bad guys are the hapless Generals. I think that I was nine years old when the last time I enjoyed that bit of entertainment which was about the same time I gave up on kung fu movies.

If someone kills a dog in a movie a huge segment of our population would blow a bowel in protest yet there is enough human death in this bomb to fill a mass grave the size of Delaware. Doesn't this seem strange to anyone? I bet this movie is the favorite of potential school shooters, serial killers, and other psychopaths all across America...but he's good to his dog...a pitbull, of course.

For all of the hundreds of people he killed in the course of this farce there wasn't a single moment of tension. Ditto this for the hand-to-hand combat scenes. We know the result before a punch is thrown or a bullet is fired. What a completely ridiculous mess.

0 out of 1 people found the following review useful:
Free Advice to the Director: Don't Show People Thinking, 18 February 2017

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

There were many, many shots of people standing around contemplating something or other. What a waste of time.

First on the positive side. Why, why, why the hell can't Hollywood directors make movies that look…not look, that are this real? I often feel that the more money available to the production the less interesting the final product. This movie obviously shot everything on location and my question is this: why wouldn't you choose to shot almost everything on location? Why build a set for a bar when you can just use a real bar? Or a real apartment? Even the people look real and not a bunch of air-brushed super-models.

We begin in the middle of some sort of crime but we aren't let in on any details. One of the crew gets caught by the police. Not much in the way of action or exposition in this firs scene and we are left wanting a lot more, at least I was. From here it goes immediately uphill and the pacing is so bad in this that I want to go out and make a sandwich without hitting the pause button. 25 minutes into the film and something approaching a plot and story is revealed.

Things get messy really quickly after this slow opening. And then the director slams on the brakes again.

This film had a lot of good points but in the end the highly improbably premise and a wildly oscillating pace just killed it off. There was scene after scene of people just doing nothing: watching TV, driving, taking a bath, taking a shower, etc. Why show these when they don't advance the story? Much of the film was just two guys asking around for some other guy.

José is after the guys in Curro's crew who killed his gal in a botched robbery. Curro discovers what José is up to and beats the living crap out of him which José takes without raising a finger. Now we are expected to believe that José can manipulate Curro because he kidnapped his wife. I just didn't buy that part at all. Then they traveled around like some sort of buddy road trip movie. And Curro leads José to his old friends so that he can kill them? Most of the time José just stares stupidly at his intended victims without talking which was also really boring.

9 out of 15 people found the following review useful:
What Saul Goodman did before Law School, 15 February 2017

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

This could have been the prequel to Better Call Saul which, of course, is the prequel to Breaking Bad. For better or for worse I like the fact that there is a market for these little pieces because we definitely need a bridge between a full feature film and a series. I had said many times that what is wrong with most movies and series is that they have no idea about how much time they need to tell their story. A film needs to go 90 minutes and most can't entertain for that long (if they entertain at all). Most series have the idea of going on and on until the viewers start throwing rotten fruit at the screen. Are you really trying to tell me that you need seven seasons to tell a story about zombies? This went an hour and five minutes which was about perfect to tell this odd little tale.

"Agent X" (2015)
This Breaks the World Speed Record for Unsulting Your Intelligence, 11 February 2017

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

¡¡¡Spoiler Alert!!! Seriously, the first 10 seconds of this thing are enough to realize that it isn't worth watching. Super tough Aryan guy is being tortured by brown guy. Tough guy has a smirk on his face like he's having fun. That's all it took for me to turn it off. This was obviously written by dorks who do nothing but watch crappy movies so everything they write is a lousy pastiche of the last ten crappy movies they sat through. Sorry, dorks, but I'm not sitting through this. Violence without consequences is just stupid and not entertaining in the least, at least not for anyone over about nine years old.

I can't believe that some have called this "action-packed." More like packed with dung and filler and the most clichéd action sequences that have ever been put on film. It's like watching a really bad SNL skit about a secret agent except this isn't funny and takes itself seriously.

34 out of 67 people found the following review useful:
Consistently Insipid from Start to Finish (so it has that going for it), 7 February 2017

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

I should preface many of my reviews by saying that I swear that I'm not out to be snarky; I just want to remember how bad these movies are so that I don't somehow forget and try to watch them again.

With a few small changes this could be a hilarious horror movie parody called "Escaped Project from a Sophomore Film Class." Or maybe it's from gender studies…is that even a thing? But alas, they don't have enough of a sense of humor to se this potential so what this really turned out to be was "Girls, The Movie" which was "Sex and the City for Younger Idiots." I couldn't imagine people that I could care even less about, even less than the self-centered nitwits from Girls.

Can film makers please stop making us read text messages in movies? Just send me the entire film in the form of a Tweet to save me the effort and time of fast-forwarding through this snorer. There wasn't a single scene that didn't make me uncomfortable because it was stupid.

Bad music, bad acting, and scenes of young dorks doing stuff that only morons do. Seriously, who has ever played beer pong except dorks? Seriously, parents should explain to their children that drinking alcohol is a big part of adult life so don't turn it into a children's game.

And then there is their lame-ass "newfound" sexuality. You just know that gay,lesbian, trans-gender, or straight they are really lousy at it and they would rather jerk-off on their cell phones than get naked with anyone. And having a gay guy as your personal pet is just the coolest thing in the world, just like on SATC.

The Rich Have Better Lives; We Get Already!, 5 February 2017

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

Imagine the horror of having to share a hospital room! That's like the worse thing that has happened to the rich creep in this movie and then he finds out he has inoperable cancer. No problem, he goes off on an orgy of spending to fulfill his bucket list. Here's a bit of free advice: if you can charge everything on your bucket list to your credit card you are one shallow human being. Far be it from me to tell anyone else what they should or shouldn't do but I've seen enough of life to understand that money doesn't go very far in the "life enrichment" department. This movie is like that ridiculous Make a Wish Foundation that sends dying kids to Disneyland or wherever when what these kids probably really need is just for someone to hold their hand and read them a story. This lifestyle porn film is just one more bit of doggerel telling us that consumption is the same thing as creativity or fulfillment.

To turn the old phrase "if you're so smart how come you aren't rich?" in my view it should read, "If you're so rich why aren't you smart?"

2 out of 4 people found the following review useful:
Toxic Family Feud with Zero Heart or Warmth, 5 February 2017

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

Some old guy wants to die and for some stupid reason he has to drive across country instead of flying and so his chauffeur is his son-in-law who doesn't like him. Is that about right? Add teenage daughter's jug pics, an absent son, a mother-in-law who is a professional wise-ass, and a shared room at motel and you have all of the ingredients for a lousy excuse for a drama-comedy—except there is nothing approaching humor. The problem is that humor needs to be mildly original or you are just listening to bad, old jokes. We've heard this one before.

Every conversation was just people screaming at each other over completely petty matters. It gets so bad so quickly that I wanted to beat him to the assisted suicide except it's not legal here. My next option is to beat them all to death starting with grandpa. Because why would I want to spend a movie with such disagreeable people?

Since the old sourpuss—and slightly abusive—curmudgeon and his punk son-in-law can't have an intelligent conversation we stop off to pick up his estranged gay son except their relationship is even more toxic than the others. There's more, folks, and it's all people screaming hateful things at each.

No amount of the great American landscape could ever be enough to salvage this car wreck. If there was even one brief moment of intelligence and lucidity in this I missed it.

There is a Swedish novel that is a bestseller these days called A Man Called Ove. It's about a miserable old jerfkoff, sort of like grandpa in this bomb. What saved the novel for me was the thick vein of sweetness which ran through the book, especially in the second part. This sweetness made me realize that this was what I hated so much about the TV series All in the Family when I was a kid. It was all people being horrible to each other with no soft spot. This movie could have used a heavy dose, either that or a real comedy writer to make all of the yelling and screaming funny.

Wheeler (2017)
8 out of 10 people found the following review useful:
The story of the legend that never was, 4 February 2017

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

I love the heart and spirit of this film. Maybe music isn't your dream—it isn't mine but I play a little—but you can still appreciate this film on a lot of levels. The film plays like a documentary and supposedly all of the music is live performances but I really don't know what that means, in the end it's a movie and not a documentary. Stephen Dorff looks like a fairly competent musician but you never know with in movies because they can make people fly. It really doesn't matter one way or the other if he can sing and play guitar and piano because it's the story that matters.

The down side is we are expected to sit through a lot of songs that just aren't what you would call "show stoppers" and in the end it's like going to a local bar and watching open mic night—granted, it's a decent group of amateurs but nothing really top notch. I would have preferred more story and less music.

28 out of 49 people found the following review useful:
I can't even imagine how this could be any worse, 3 February 2017

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

This was horrible and unwatchable right out of the starting gate. They open with what is supposed to be a high octane action sequence. A guy is blowing holes in the front door and the two cops are hiding safely behind one quarter inch of dry wall. Then it gets really stupid.

It's full of a lot of tired actors that should be let out of Hollywood to find new careers so that some new actors can have a chance except perhaps the producers of this bomb are too stupid to discover their own talent. Gratuitous gun play and violence isn't the same thing as action. My only hope was that this was written by some thirds graders for a school project on cop movie clichés.

If you can make it to the end of this first, miserable episode you are a better man or woman than I.

4 out of 7 people found the following review useful:
Teens with Swimming Pools with Problems, 29 January 2017

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

If only the whole movie were just scenes with Woody Harrelson cracking jokes with the girl. These were the only moments that I really enjoyed and thankfully there were a few of them. Most of the rest of the film was entirely forgettable.

The revenge of Long Duck Dong as Asian Americans get a representative who is a little cooler than the John Hughes slur from 16 Candles. In this version he is stinking rich so that we can accept him a little more because a middle class or—god forbid—a lower middle class Asian boy would just be unacceptable.

The less acting…wait, the less "acting" we see from teenagers in a movie the better. This means no crying scenes and really not much in the way of what you might call real emotion because it's just tedious to watch and completely unconvincing so please, please stop! If you want to make a teen comedy then make a damn comedy and try to limit the DRAMA (James Earl Jones voice over for that last word).

Way too much drama from this over-privileged little spoiled brat. Screw her and all of her teen problems none of which approaches anything even remotely essential to what anyone would consider a decent life. Does she think that everyone is guaranteed a boyfriend and love while in high school? Jesus, grow the F up already. Few kids this age can handle relationships involving sex and everything that goes along with that. I don't think that many university students are ready for that kind of commitment which usually drains the individuality right out of them.

High school is something that almost everyone simply survives so that hopefully you can go on to have something approaching a satisfying life. Most of the people who had these supposedly satisfying relationships at that age went on to marry the slobs they were with or someone exactly like them a few years later. News flash: most of them went on to be the butt of jokes for all of the kids who were dorks in school.

But for any problems I had with rich kids with problems the end was sweet, so there's that.

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