Reviews written by registered user

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127 reviews in total 
Index | Alphabetical | Chronological | Useful

7 out of 8 people found the following review useful:
I survived two episodes, 8 March 2015

I thought this would be quite entertaining but somehow they have produced a real turd of a show with absolutely nothing going for it whatsoever other than the concept.

The show is filled with very stilted radio conversations between two people putting on their best serious voices. This is the British army who, in the midst of the apocalypse, have nothing better to do than shepherd some morons through their simplistic tasks. One was literally to find a photograph of themselves pinned onto a wall. Another was to climb over two ankle height pallets.

To add to the dragging pace you've got Greg James, a presenter blessed with all the personality of a dial tone. His lame half-jokes are just shameful pap and filler. On the subject of filler there's also lots of shots of the zombies turning around, all four of them. And yet more filler! The PANTZ system is a "comical" government service message about zombies that is just tedious.

I'm amazed they could take such a potentially entertaining concept and create such a leaden uninteresting load of rubbish. This really isn't worth watching.

Chrysalis (2014/I)
7 out of 17 people found the following review useful:
Dyslexia of the dead, 3 September 2014

Here's the simple acid test to determine whether you have created a viable work of fiction or not. At the end have you told a story or have you mainly filmed people running around a warehouse? In the case of Chrysalis it's very much the latter.

The monsters don't look great and don't really do a lot either. There are some OK scenes if all you want is to see people running away from zombies through a warehouse. Myself, I would like a bit of story with that. Or even just some action. Also why the long scenes about a characters inability to read? It's not character development if it doesn't develop into anything. Or get referenced again throughout the whole movie. I was waiting for the scene where she was stood with a jar of penicillin and a jar of rat poison trying to read the labels or something.

All the actors involved are bad but the girl is so stilted and wooden that it gets annoying to listen to her. At the end of the movie no story has been told. This is basically what I would expect from a movie cobbled together by amateurs with kickstarter money. Don't waste your time and don't be fooled by the ridiculous fake reviews either.

"Dragons' Den" (2005/II)
3 out of 4 people found the following review useful:
Good show, 26 August 2014

Evan Davis flitters around the set of Dragons Den like a daddy longlegs that has run into a light. Aside from being visually annoying he only seems to be there to tell you things you just saw, are going to see or they didn't have time to show you because of him talking. If that wasn't enough filler for you he has a nice line in generalisations too like "it takes nerves of steel to face the dragons" or "all of todays entrepreneurs are hoping for an investment".

If you ever thought millions of pounds would make you instantly happy take a look at the panel. You've got nervy Deborah Meaden scowling at proceedings while a waxy Duncan Ballentine appears at times to be worked by Peter Jones by way of a lever or something. Kelly Hoppen would be a good investor to work with if you need advice on what shade of brown to paint something but beyond that her presence on the show is mystifying. She's certainly not going to spend any cash and the cameraman seems obsessed with getting shots of her nose. I also feel my lifeforce draining away every time she starts droning on about design.

I do love the show though. Seeing the nonsense people come up with is interesting but you can't help but feel sorry for the ones that have invested their life's savings in an invention that's doomed.

Camp Dread (2014)
5 out of 6 people found the following review useful:
Camp dreadful, 3 July 2014

A washed up director, played by washed up actor Eric Roberts, sets up a reality TV show where the contestants get murdered. A familiar and simple plot that's been used many times in the 10 years or so since reality TV was topical. But this movie is so ineptly put together that it makes less sense at it goes on.

Eric Roberts may as well have been filmed actually reading from the script since he conveys no emotions whatsoever. The movie does have one intriguing idea regarding the reason the contestants were picked but fails to go anywhere with it making the already threadbare plot even less believable.

The contestants are so uninteresting that you can sum them up in their entirely with a three word description. Fake leg guy. Girl in lingerie. That's not a sign of a good movie. I didn't expect much out of this but honestly my low expectations were a long way from met. Well, that's just a viewers opinion read the other reviews to see what the makers thought of their own movie. Turns out they liked it.

19 out of 26 people found the following review useful:
Brown noise mountain lights, 20 April 2014

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

This is another found footage movie, this time the footage comes from a camera which has been dropped out of a UFO where aliens are torturing someone with a dentists drill. Luckily the camera has survived several days of use without recharge and being punted out of a flying saucer from near-orbit. The aliens are mad to throw away a camera that reliable in my opinion.

So the movie has shown you the ending within the first few minutes. The family themselves are bland and uninteresting but there are some funny moments and I mean funny as in badly done. Witness the argument that explodes out of nowhere in the car when they suddenly decide they are lost.

"I didn't make the mountains! They go up and they go down!" That's just the kind of thing people say to each other during car arguments isn't it? Not as funny as the way the aliens flat-pack their victims during abduction though. What a ridiculous effect.

When the aliens do show up it causes the camera to malfunction in a convenient way that shows you very little and instead gives you a blast of annoyingly loud noise to make you jump and some annoying jittery images of rubber alien masks to go with it.

Return in Red (2007) (V)
0 out of 1 people found the following review useful:
Return for refund, 22 October 2013

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

A creepy van hangs around an isolated community pointing a radar dish out at them to send them mad. I liked the premise but for the first 60 minutes nothing more exciting happens than an elderly gentleman having his television aerial adjusted. In the meantime people trudge back and forth from a factory lit like something from a Dickens novel.

I was disappointed because at first this movie looks like it's going to be pretty good but you're waiting and waiting for something to happen but it doesn't until the last ten minutes. The end does however feature a hilariously bad effect involving a forklift and what looks like a blow-up doll that may raise a chuckle. I was also amused by the newspaper headline which read "some people found dead in local factory". That's another scoop for the daily unspecific.

This could have been a great movie but the preoccupation with dimly lit factories, bankrupt coffee shops and shift patterns didn't do it for me.

"Atlantis" (2013)
58 out of 112 people found the following review useful:
Began taking on water in the first scene, 1 October 2013

Welcome to Atlantis where, in early antiquity, all the inhabitants speak English and look like extras waiting for a better show to start. You'll probably spot a few of them in the background of the coming season of Doctor Who. Where they belong to be honest.

The music is over the top, the script is full of jarring anachronisms such as exasperated characters saying "Really?" and the CGI is crap too. The rushed cuts just go to prove what an amateurish, or rather careless, production this is. In the same vein as shows like Zena this all takes place in a vague "long ago" period of history that doesn't even make proper use of the mythology and everything feels forced and rushed.

This is for BBC America (who were involved in the production), I'm surprised they even bothered showing it here. I doubt it will be a big hit abroad though because this is so poorly put together.

The only positive review of it you'll find in the media is from the Sunday Times who declared it "an action packed buddy movie" having presumably copy pasted their review from the wrong press release.

In short, very disappointed.

16 out of 18 people found the following review useful:
Gripping, 28 August 2013

The last thing I ever expected to appear in the TV listings was a new series based on the excellent Prisoner Cell Block H! Being a big fan of the original series I had to see what it was like.

The acting is good and it has the same mix of tragedy and tension as the original. I think it's a good move that they didn't try to exactly copy the characters and stories of the original, instead opting for some familiar names and a whole new story with some reminders of Prisoner for the fans.

You have to hand it to Australia, there are some genres of TV they do better than the rest of the world, namely soap opera and prison drama. Great stuff, I will definitely be tuning in next week. Well done to Channel 5 for buying in something worth seeing for a change.

1 out of 1 people found the following review useful:
Nice idea, 19 August 2013

Despite being billed as a comedy this is more like an attempt to make a movie that looks and feels like a drive in film of the 50's. That's great because I love those old movies, unfortunately the end result is a bit unsatisfying.

The monster isn't great and although I appreciate 50's monsters were a bit on the rubbery side it doesn't look like they really put a whole lot of effort into it. I didn't like its ability to become invisible either, it seemed cheap and lazy. The acting is also distractingly over-the-top or poor depending on how generous you are feeling.

If you like 50's scifi then you will almost certainly enjoy this movie to some degree, they get enough right that it works but with a better cast it could have been a lot more entertaining. It definitely doesn't have the same charm as the genuine article.

28 out of 36 people found the following review useful:
The (ratings) stars are falling..., 6 August 2013

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

I've watched half of this miniseries and so far everything that has happened could easily have been shown in an hour long episode. The dome, which is the reason people are watching this in the first place, barely features. Instead we get a lot of inconsequential stories from characters that are totally unconvincing. There's no sense that this is a story that is going to go anywhere at all. For example the last episode I watched featured 20 minutes of a woman I'd never seen before giving birth.

We are supposed to believe that nobody has thought of writing a sign and holding it up to the people on the other side of the dome. We're supposed to believe that the government would immediately try to blow the dome up despite it not actually being a threat and everyone inside being OK. We're supposed to believe that Frank Bruno lesbian kiss was integral to the plot. Come on.

I'm only clinging on to see just how badly it all ends. I see they have listed a second series, are they smoking propane? No way will this run to a full second series. More likely it will get cancelled and the show won't even get a proper ending.

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