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Date Movie (2006)
Although my summary may seem insensitive and politically incorrect, it is 100% accurate. I am not sure how the script was OK'd, but there definitely needs to be a tighter screening process in Hollywood. What's even further beyond my comprehension is how anyone was able to give this movie more than one star (which is one more star than it deserves). Below are a list of craptastic moments (despite the spoiler warning, there is no possible way that this movie could be spoiled) -a fat girl dances around as if she were sexy -a cat craps on a toilet... forever -every movie made in the last 10 years is parodied. This movie is obviously targeted towards brainless idiots who laugh uncontrollably at the word POOP (to be honest, I would have been more entertained by a screen that said "POOP" on it for 80 minutes). If you have $6.00 to waste and don not value your time on Earth, this is the movie for you. If not, spend your time doing more enjoyable activities such as hammering nails with your head or walking your pet badger. *For those of you that plan on buying the DVD, wait for the double disc special edition. One of the bonus features is the widescreen version of Kazaam starring SHAQ!!!
Do you question your manhood?
If you are a male and you are in doubt of your sexual preference, I have a sure-fire way to determine your life style. It's really simple. Look through your DVD collection, and if you find a copy of "Friends: Season One"............I think you know where this is going. This show is obviously directed toward an audience of 17-19 year old girls who spent most of their time in school passing notes about Johny's dimples. Don't believe me?, just listen to the dialogue, look at the cast, and view the plots and scenery. I am proud to say that none of my friends' personalities resemble any of the characters in this show. To any guys that had the misfortune of watching this show (forcibly by your girlfriends I hope), I sympathize for you. And if she went as far as buying you the box set, return the favor with a Hooters calender on her birthday.
Son of the Mask (2005)
This is a good movie...
for me to poop on! If I had it my way, my review would stop there, but IMDb requires a minimum of ten lines of text for all user comments. Since I have nothing else to really say about the movie, I made a list of things that I'd rather do than watch this crap again. 1. Take a bath with my Christmas lights. 2. Drink lemonade... after chewing on a razor. 3. Attempt to domesticate a badger. 4. Do "YMCA" on the karaoke machine at the local biker bar. 5. Hug a tree.............. a flesh eating grizzly tree. That being said, I can only hope and pray that the makers of this film have resigned and devoted their lives to rehabilitating all the unfortunate souls that were tainted by this filth.
Home Movies (1999)
the names McGuirk
When I had first watched the show, I thought it was retarded. However, I decided to give it another try since I had nothing better to do before The Aqua Teen Hunger Force (another great cartoon) came on. Upon this viewing, I was introduced to coach John McGuirk. His character is a foul-mouthed alcoholic that is some how allowed to coach third grade soccer. During most episodes, he either insults the kids or completely ignores them. The main character, Brendon Small, often looks to McGuirk for advice, and if he is sober enough, McGuirk shares his wisdom. Exhibit A Brendon: "Coach, do you think I'm Stupid?" Coach McGuirk: "Of course your stupid Brendon, all kids are stupid." This is only one of the many great McGuirk quotes, most of which are hilarious. The show easily gets 9 out of 10 stars for McGuirk alone.........Truly one of the greatest cartoon characters ever.
Pearl Harbor (2001)
WE GET BOMBED. I hope I didn't ruin the movie for anyone, but if you don't know this part of history, you are as dumb as this movie. I wonder who came up with the great idea to exploit one of the greatest Americans tragedies with a love movie (cough cough Titanic). ***another spoiler*** Ben Affleck can't act. Unless you're Ben Affleck, I'm sure you already knew this. If your girlfriend did not force you to see this movie, there is no excuse for sitting through it. And ladies, no matter how much your boyfriend told you he enjoyed the movie, he thought it sucked.
The Sandlot (1993)
Initiate retrieval suction NUMBER ONE
I had originally saw this movie in theaters when it it first came out. It was part of a double feature with Aladdin, and I had never even heard of it (I was there to see Aladdin). But when I left the theater, the only thing I could think about was how good the Sandlot was. It's a movie that every family should watch together. The story is a about a boy, Smalls, that moves to a new neighborhood and tries to fit in. It just so happens, that the best way to fit in is to play baseball. Despite knowing nothing about baseball, Smalls manages to be accepted. Although the plot is very good, it's the characters that make the movie. Squints, my favorite, is probably the best character in the movie. From his over-sized glasses, to his charming ability to put the moves on the local lifeguard, he keeps you laughing through the entire movie. Other characters include the witty and red-headed Ham, the clueless huge-hat-wearing Smalls and an enormous dog referred to as "The Beast". As far as sports movies go, I rank this at the top of my list, and as far as family movies go, it's in my top 10. So, if there is still some child inside you or you want a movie to watch with your family, you can't lose with The Sandlot.
Fight Club (1999)
I am Jack's kick-ass review
To be honest with you, when I saw the title of the movie, I thought it was going to be another mindless action film. But then something happened.....I actually watched it. I thought the movie was genius. It wasn't so much about fighting. It was more about schizofrenic office worker that suffered from insomnia. Brad Pitt, the star of the movie, played his character (Tyler Durden) flawlessly. Throughout the movie, Ed Norton's character (the narrator) was trying to fight his inner demons which were preventing him from getting any sleep. With the help of several small terrorist groups, a disturbed female that pretended to suffer from testicular cancer, and Tyler Durden (a self righteous psycho), the narrator can finally resolve his problems. I feel I would have enjoyed the movie much more had not my brother spoiled the damn ending before I watched it, but even without the surprise ending, Fight Club still makes my top 10.
Donnie Darko (2001)
A thinker's movie
Donnie Darko is one of the most original movies I have ever seen. You won't see too many sci-fi fantasy movies with this much drama. My favorite aspect of the movie is that it makes you think. Throughout the whole movie I was trying to figure what was going on (to be honest, I'm still not completely sure what was going on). I would like to think that the end of the movie is up to the viewer's interpretation, and thats the fun of the movie. There is no right interpretation, and there isn't a wrong one either (although there are some stupid ones). I know the director had his own meaning, but that shouldn't get in the way of the viewer's imagination. However, for those of you who like your plots "spoon fed" to you, and don't like to use your thought process, this movie isn't for you. Just wait for another sequel of "The Fast and the Furious" to come out. For the rest of you, GO SEE IT.
Idle Hands (1999)
So stupid.......it's funny
Anyone that watches this movie because they want to be scared or they are expecting some slapstick comedy, will be disappointed. The movie is funny because no one in it takes anything seriously. The people in the movie don't seem to mind the fact that the people in their neighborhood are being murdered, or that they might be murdered themselves. The humor in Idle Hands resembles the humor in the 1993 film "My Boyfriend's Back". These kind of movies aren't for everyone. However, if you want to watch a movie that is fun, and don't expect it to be serious, you should see Idle Hands.
Space Ghost Coast to Coast (1994)
greatest talk show
Screw Jerry Springer. You don't need disfunctional families to have a great talk show, you need cheesy animation and a host with a short attention span. The show is funny. It's not slapstick humor and it's not subtle humor, it's.........ummmmm...it's a type of humor that can't be described. I would call it stupid funny, but it's a lot more than that. A word of caution...If you like boring humor (Friends), you probably won't appreciate the humor of Space Ghost. As for the rest of you, watch the damn show.