J_M_Kiff Reviews

The Devil Inside (2012)

Why are you people watching this garbage???

[1/10 · 9 January 2012]

Okay, I admit, I have not seen this movie- BUT- I work in a movie theater. So I've seen the lines and the crowds and the mobs of people rushing into my theater just dying to see this movie. WHY??? What is the attraction here? It's a crappy, low budget, cliché exorcism movie. Nothing new to see here. No one even remotely famous is in it. Why the hell are so many people rushing to see this steaming pile of cellu-poop??? My theater is in a small town, not usually too busy, but we've been selling out this show and I don't understand why. I'm at the theater door every time the movie ends. I hear every person's reaction to the movie and EVERY SINGLE PERSON who has seen this movie at my theater has HATED it. They boo at the end, they bitch and moan, and I'm like "Well what made you think it'd be any good anyhow???" Also- In my theater, we only refund your money in the first 30 minutes of a movie. We give you half an hour to decide if it's crap. After that, sorry tough luck, we don't make the movies we just show 'em. Can't please everyone. Do your research before you decide what to see. If you want your money back, write a letter to the director or the producer. Keep your $10, stay home, and rent "The Exorcist" (1973).

Real Steel (2011)

Predictable but fun

[7/10 · 6 October 2011]

I went into this film with my expectations low. I couldn't believe that anyone would bother to make a Rocky movie about the old Rock'em Sock'em Robots toy. But if you have never seen any of the Rocky movies, or Over the Top, and are prepared to suspend your intellect for two hours, this film can actually be a fairly enjoyable experience. The plot is predictable and most of the characters are little more than archetypes. Two semi-notable exceptions are Dakota Goyo who did a great job for such a young age, and Kevin Durand who is so damn big and goofy that, despite being a "bad guy" in the film he actually lends a lot of levity to an otherwise burdensome plot. There was one aspect of the film that I feel should have been explored in much greater depth that could've lent more originality to the film. Both Charlie (Jackman) and Max (his son) each have a scene where they are face to face with their junkyard fighting-bot "Atom", and they question whether there might be some spark of sentience in there somewhere. I felt that this issue was simply glossed over in the film. If they had explored this in a little greater depth then they could've lent this film some of the futuristic moral-dilemma angst of "I,Robot". But, in the end, what we're left with is a re-hashed movie with a likable-enough cast designed to entertain young boys, men who still remember their younger days, and people recovering from head injuries. I admit that I fall into at least one of those categories, so I left my disbelief at the door and just enjoyed the robot fighting scenes and a handful of laughs. Not bad. Not great, but not bad. An action movie you can bring your kids to.

Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star (2011)

Worst Movie Ever

[1/10 · 14 September 2011]

Awful. Dreadful. Total waste of time and film. Do not see this movie. I work in a movie theater so I get to (have to) watch EVERY movie that comes out, and this is without a doubt the absolute worst movie I have seen in a long long long time. I could not find even one redeeming quality in this movie. This film should be the death-knell of not only Nick Swardson's entire career, but Adam Sandler's "Happy Madison" production company should be banned from making any more movies until Sandler publicly apologizes for this horrible horrible waste of film. The dialogue sounds like it was written by three horny middle-school boys, the acting was strained and half-hearted, the plot was spoon-fed predictable. Some movies are "so bad they're good." This isn't one of those movies. This movie is just bad. Worse. Worst.

Drive (I) (2011)

Pathetic

[1/10 · 14 September 2011]

Don't waste your money. This is the second-, maybe third-worst movie I've seen in a year; and I work in a movie theater so I see EVERY movie that comes out. The soundtrack is some no-name pop crap from the 80's mixed in with occasional lame attempts at horror music. The dialogue is darn-near non-existent, but the few lines Ryan speaks are monotone and cliché. The "action" scenes are two very short very boring car chases and two murders that are so graphic they seem grossly out of place in an otherwise-PG movie. You'd think with a title like "Drive" that there'd be a lot of cool... you know... Driving. Nope. Every scene is a dragged-out uncomfortable cliché. If I hadn't known better, I'd swear I was watching a very long, and very bad, SNL skit. I saw it for free and it still wasn't worth the money.

The Help (2011)

Best Picture of the Year

[10/10 · 14 September 2011]

I LOVED this movie. This is cinema. Real cinema. The casting was spot on perfect. The chemistry between the cast was amazing. The dialogue was quick and funny and witty. Everything just seemed to gel for this movie. And not only is it a great story filled with heart, and heartbreak, and history... but it'll actually make you laugh at parts too. This movie deserves to Best Picture of the Year, easily. And Viola Davis deserves Best Actress. Hands down. No contest. See it! I've seen it twice and intend to see it again before it leaves my theater. Stop typing, right now. Log off, grab your car keys and go to the movie theater to see this movie. Now. Why are you still sitting there reading this? Scoot! Git! Go!

Insidious (I) (2010)

Haven't we seen this movie before...?

[3/10 · 2 April 2011]

Oh wait, we have seen this movie before, about 50 times. Same predictable "scary" elements and two-dimensional plot, that I nearly fell asleep. OOoooo... there's a scary bumping sound in the house- go investigate it alone, in the dark. OOOoooo.... the creepy old psychic lady says your son is haunted, gosh that old lady sure has lost weight since Poltergeist. Oh wait, that's a different old lady, she's just playing the exact same role, I get it. Why does every family in every movie that involves a "haunting" insist on keeping as many lights turned off as possible? Is the midst of a Haunting problem really the best time to go green? Did the ghost trip a circuit breaker? Hey, your house may be haunted, your kid may be in danger, but don't bother turning on a light somewhere, naww.... just blunder around in the dark. Hey, maybe the ghost is afraid of the dark, right? Weak. Overdone. Predictable. Go rent 'Poltergeist' and enjoy yourself.

Sucker Punch (2011)

Very disappointing

[2/10 · 24 March 2011]

I've seen a lot of movies. I've seen good movies, I've seen mediocre movies, and I've seen bad movies. I've even seen some movies that were so bad they were good. This isn't one of them. This is just a bad movie. Threadbare plot. Cardboard acting. Rehashed generic dialogue. And the most overused plot "twist" at the end. But how to describe it....? Imagine a live-action anime rape fantasy with cheap matrix-y special effects played out by a handful of women who couldn't act sick if they had the flu. I work in a movie theater, so I screened this movie for free, and still I wanted my money back. Save your $10. Go buy an ice-cream cone. You'll save yourself two hours of misery and, hey... you'll have ice-cream.

The Other Guys (2010)

It's "spit soda out of your nose" funny

[8/10 · 27 August 2010]

First, in full disclosure, I really can't stand Will Ferrel. Sorry, but I find him insufferable and annoying. So I wasn't expecting much from this film. Boy was I wrong. I could not stop laughing the entire show! Ferrel and Marky-Mark balance each other perfectly. Wahlberg is the perfect straight-man, but also offers his own humor, in a tough-guy kind of way. ("They took my shoes again! What is it with taking peoples' shoes?") Michael Keaton as the police chief is a perfect choice. He is funny enough that this isn't really a 'Will Ferrel' comedy, it really is a total group effort. Big names like Sam Jackson and Dwayne Johnson add big-name punch and set up the farcical nature of the entire film. My advice- sip your soda quickly, or else it'll be coming out your nose.

The Expendables (2010)

It is what it is.

[7/10 · 27 August 2010]

Don't try to over-think or over-analyze this movie. It's an excuse to get all the great action stars together and blow stuff up - A lot. It contains just enough of a thin plot to tell a cohesive story. The love story sub-plot with Stallone is just enough to provide a sense of motivation for the main character, other than being strictly mercenary. And there is just enough humor to lighten the mood between gun fights, car/plane chases, and big explosions. Eric Roberts as the bad guy was a brilliant choice, as he never takes himself too seriously, so you feel okay rooting against him but you never quite come to hate him. I do feel, despite the R rating, that the movie pulled it's punches (sorry) with the language and other adult content. If you're going to make a big budget R rated action movie explosion-fest, then go all out with it! It's worth seeing, but not on a date. Get the guys together, go out for steaks and beers, then sit back and enjoy.

The Last Exorcism (2010)

boring and overdone

[2/10 · 27 August 2010]

This movie offers nothing new to the genre and will leave you feeling as though you've already seen it several times before. The perpetual motion of the hand-held camera felt authentic ten years ago, but ever since prior disasters like Blair Witch and Cloverfield this technique has lost its effectiveness to instill any sense of dramatic realism or suspense. The characters are generic, with the one exception of the minister, Cotton, who at least admits that he is a charlatan going through a crisis of faith. That was the one refreshing angle of the entire movie. The only character I accepted as genuine was the brother played by Caleb Jones. He was creepy. Save yourself ten bucks and go rent the original exorcism movie 'The Exorcist'.

The Dark Knight (2008)

Even better than the hype. (very minor spoilers...)

[10/10 · 16 July 2008]

Amazing. Usually when a movie is hyped this much it's a bad omen. We all knew, following the tragic and untimely passing of Heath Ledger, that the buzz around this film would spiral beyond control... but I was pleasantly surprised (well, maybe not too surprised) to find that the movie actually surpassed the hype. I went into the preview expecting a great movie, but got even more than that. The opening sequence grabs you, the pace of the action keeps you moving along (even for such a long movie), there's just enough (dark) humor mixed in to make the issues the characters face palatable and to make the characters more believable as human. I have just one very minor beef with this film- totally unrelated to plot or characters. Gotham, though fictional, has long been associated with a particular American city. I was kinda bummed to see the movie filmed in that Second city. Oh well. Still a great movie. I just watched in twice in a row, but just couldn't stay through a third screening. Not that it's not worth it- I will definitely see it again, but it's kinda long and I'm reeaallly tired, so, off the bed. I'm sure you will love this film.

Hancock (2008)

Good, but not great. *** Spoilers ***

[6/10 · 30 June 2008]

If you're going in expecting a life-changing, perspective-altering film, this is not it. However, it is a great way to kill time, get a few really good laughs, and down some popcorn. That's all the film is intended to be, and it holds up OK. The a-hole anti-superhero is a nice twist on the recent rash of "take-me-seriously-darnit" superhero movies. I never got the impression that this movie was intended to be anything more than it is. It's goofy-funny at times, a little vulgar at times, and I knew there was something going on between Hancock and Therron's character, but I was honestly surprised when I found out what that connection was. Granted, it could've used a few more scenes to add more depth, like when she's reminding Hancock of their long-past adventures they should've had her narration run over some foggy-memory type of scenes playing out their troubles in Sumer, and Greece, and Brooklyn, and Miami, etc. But overall I enjoyed it. And let's face it, who among us wouldn't like to have that kind of power? Honestly?

The Incredible Hulk (2008)

Excellent. (very minor spoiler)

[7/10 · 12 June 2008]

Very well done. Much better than I expected. Much better than the previous Hulk movie (not that that would be tough). I especially loved the cameos by Stan Lee and Big Lou. Without them it just wouldn't be the Hulk. I grew up watching the TV show, and to me Lou Ferrigno IS the Hulk and always will be. And from the brief look at Lou in the movie, he's still in incredible shape. You only get to see him in one scene, but his arms are just HUGE! How old is he anyhow? He must've been in his twenties when he did the TV show, and that was darn near 30 years ago! I wish I could be jacked up like Big Lou when I'm in my 50's. Very well done.

Kung Fu Panda (2008)

Awesome

[9/10 · 4 June 2008]

Honestly, I wasn't really expecting to like this so much. I really hate Jack Black, he's just disgusting. But since I didn't actually have to see him, it was OK. The subtle expressions and under-the-breath comments between the characters was rendered beautifully in CGI. My only criticism is that, considering the stunning array of huge stars doing voices, so many of them got so few lines. I mean, it's a Kung Fu movie, and Jackie Chan gets only a handful of lines. WHAT?!? But this movie really drew me in. It'll be a great movie for kids and families, but if you're an adult go to a late show and you will love it. I was pleasantly surprised. I think you will be too.

The Strangers (2008)

What a waste of time

[1/10 · 29 May 2008]

*** Warning *** Spoilers *** For such a short film, this managed to cram in every senseless cliché of the so-called horror genre. '...Girl runs from bad guys, girl trips, girls falls and hurts herself, girl whimpers, duh...' No character development, no depth, no sympathy for the characters. '... bad guys are harassing your house and threatening you, so OF COURSE you get hysterical, cry, and seek out every spooky noise...' So bad guys are hacking at your front door with an ax, you've got a loaded shotgun in your hand, but you don't shoot, you throw a chair at the door, Oh Wait, I've got a gun! But by the time you think to shoot the bad guys are gone. So your under attack from bad guys and it's just you, your girlfriend, and a loaded shotgun, so instead of hunkering down and letting them come to you to get shot, you leave your girlfriend alone in the un-secured house while you wander off to the tool shed to find and old ham radio. Sure, makes sense. So you go visit your friends and someone shoots out your windshield, do you: A- drive off fast and call 911, B- call 911 then run in the house to check on your friends, or C- dust yourself off, sneak into the house quietly, without ever bothering to wonder why your friend's car is wrecked, who's pickup truck that is, why the house is trashed, don't bother turning off the loud stereo, or calling out your friends' names, in fact don't even bother to look behind you to see if maybe the people who shot out your windshield are still around. That's right - C !?!Everyone who died in this movie deserved to die for being such mindless, spineless, insipid, whimpering idiots. Maybe if you've never seen a movie before, ever, or if you've had recent head trauma, or maybe if you're Amish this movie might scare you. Maybe. Don't waste your time or money.

REVISION::: it's now Sunday 6/1. I originally posted the above comment after an advance screening of this movie late-night on thursday 5/29 (because I work at a movie theater I get to see all the movies before they're released.) So I've noticed something peculiar... there are, as of now, about 8 pages of comments on this film. About 3 pages of comments before mine (meaning before the movie came out) all gave The Strangers 9 or 10 stars, glowing reviews, and taglines like "best horror movie ever," "scariest film ever," and "awesome." But then, if you look at the dates of submission, 95% of all the comments posted after the movie was released say it's lackluster at best, anticlimactic, boring, lame, and not worth watching. So, I wonder, is that a coincidence, or maybe, just maybe, were all those people who posted great comments prior to the movie's release doing it for some other reason? Were they being paid to hype the film? Do they work for the production company? Or is it all just a big coincidence? Hmmm....