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Biblically Awful
21 January 2010
Warning: Spoilers
And lo! Shall it come to pass that amongst thine horror elite shall arise another Sleepaway Camp sequel. For his sins, Vincent Pastore shall be amongst thine above-the-line talent. Much cried shall be the squealing of "Your ass stinks!" by yon chubby mentally challenged but endowed with the gift of annoyance camper whom instant death shall be wished upon by all.

Looketh no further, guy-who-guest-starred-those-two-times-on-Flight-of-the-Conchords, ye fate shall meeteth thee in the fry-a-later with that one overdone french fry. Even though all you have to do is kick your legs to get away, you shan't do it and shall succumb to your transfatty fate! A miracle shall be imparted to this film! Whereas the kid playing Weed shall look and act like the kid who played Stewie on Malcolm in the Middle, but all shall find dread whence looking upon IMDb and realizing that though he did guest star on an episode of yon horrid series, he playest Stewie NOT! O Weed! Smokest not the manure-laced joint, lay down your joking ways and be saved! lest you meet your fiery damnation tied to a lawn chair with a bumper sticker across your face.

BEHOLD! T.C. shall be stabbed in the eye by the pointed rod of the Almighty! and from betwixt pairs of panties covering his head, another shall shriek a pubescent boy's shrill call of terror.

And the Angel spoketh to me and I unto you that fishing line shall be affixed to a counselor's man-junk as well as a bumper of a jeep! And the jeep shall pull away inflicting much castrations in a sequence that takes too much time, defying the conventions of editing to produce dramatic tension and story arc.

Sweet, virtuous Karen … ye knowest not the cock-teasery you inflict, and so shall be spared.

And there shall come to pass an inexplicable ending whenst the killer shall come to be revealed as a man pretending to be a woman pretending to be a man wearing a fake nose and beard that foolist no one! And then there shall be blackness. End.
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Cheerleader Autopsy (2003 Video)
27 January 2009
Warning: Spoilers
Hey, you know your stupid friend that's always running around with the video camera? You know, the guy who thinks he's hilarious but in reality is just an unfunny jackass that nobody has the heart to tell how much his movies suck? Well guess what? Because you couldn't man up and tell him to abandon his moronic dream of being a filmmaker, I had to sit through 'Cheerleader Autopsy.' I know, you thought the trashy cheerleaders would make for a fun sex-romp comedy, but remember that part where they died in the beginning and you didn't see a single breast for the next hour? That was your fault.

You could've stopped this. It didn't have to be this way. But you had to be the nice guy, didn't you? People like you are responsible for all the world's tragedies. I bet Hitler had a friend just like you--somebody who could've said, "Hey Adolf, give this painter thing another chance, don't go into politics" but didn't. Yeah, you belong in the same circle of Hell as THAT guy.

No, I don't know if God will forgive you.

Please stop crying. There really isn't any way you'd know what would be loosed upon the world by your inaction. But there is a way you can make up for it. 'Cheerleader Autopsy 2' is in preproduction. There's still time to grab whoever is responsible for this horror (the intellectual kind, not the genre), rip the camera from his hands and plead with him PLEAD! for him to go back to shooting wedding videos instead.

You have your mission. Now you must go. Me? Oh, don't worry, I won't leave you ... I'll be around ... lest we forget.
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The Strangest Gay Porno I've Ever Seen
24 January 2005
Warning: Spoilers
I have this friend. Everything with him is "gay this" and "gay that," you know the type, a very latent kind of guy. So when he bought me the DVD of Starship Troopers, I knew it had to be some kind of practical joke. I vaguely remember hearing something about it years ago, but I couldn't remember what. But coming from my friend, I knew it had to be some sort of homosexual porn gag gift . . . and boy, was I ever right.

I put in the movie, ready for a quick laugh or two before shutting it off, but I noticed something very strange; there were FAMOUS people in it . . .alright, well almost famous, anyway. You always hear about stars who did soft core or other kinds of movies to be ashamed of, but I was really surprised to see Doogie Hauser and Denise Richards and Casper What's-His-Face and even that guy from Carnivale.

The movie revolves around a young gay twink fresh out of high school who wants to do manly things. His father is a butch breeder who doesn't understand and wants him to go on some fabulous vacation then go off to college. Twink doesn't want to do that, which leads up to the utterance of the single gay-ist line in contemporary American cinema, "I am NOT going to Harvard!" Twink then goes off to boot camp where he's surrounded by all these cute boys who seem to fill their days with co-ed showering, playing grab-ass in their bunks, wearing tight black uniforms, and a little more grab-ass before lights out.

All this time, however, Twink is in denial and is still trying to hold on to his high school beard (Denise Richards). But she's off sauntering through the galaxy with a straight boy with horrible future hair.

There's also some bugs that eat people along the way, but they are merely part of the back drop for which Twink discovers his love for his men (whom he then gets to order around . . . delicious!) as they fight the slimy bastard bugs.

Then Michael Ironside comes in and says, "They sucked his brains out." Brains? Sure, Michael Ironside . . . brains . . . right.

At the end, Doogie comes in sporting an S&M outfit with an adorable little hat. That was too much for me, I had to shut it off. I'm no gay, mind you . . . but Doogie in a uniform? Ummmmm . . . Doog, I'll take you places Wanda never knew about.
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Preview of PD3
12 August 2004
Warning: Spoilers

As Princess Diaries 2 winds to a close, we find Princess Mia firmly in place on the throne and anxious to gain full control of Genovia. This paves the way for "Princess Diaries 3: World At War." As the story begins, Mia has wrested control over the kingdom from her grandmother, whom she has banished from the land. After framing Prince Nicolas for treason, there is no one to stand in her way--she alone wields the full might of Genovia. While dressing in a bland khaki uniform, adorned with medals, she gleefully beams, "I have my own military industrial complex, that is sooo cooool!"

Hours later, Genovian troops cross the border and invade France. Heather Matarazzo pleads with Mia to stop the invasion, but nothing can satisfy Mia's hunger for power. Though her Generals want to keep the conflict localized--Mia orders Genovian tanks to push through Belgium (to attain the most direct route to Paris).

Hector Elizondo pleads with U.N. not to impose sanctions (claiming that only the poor of Genovia will suffer). The United States declares its neutrality, but Great Britain, bound to Belgium by treaty, commences air strikes against Genovian supply lines.

Princess Mia, determined to outlast any opposition, sends a Genovian contingent blitzing through the Balkans and charging toward the oil-rich Middle East. Meanwhile, on the western front, Princess Mia's propensity for the use of chemical munitions (mustard gas in particular) earns her the title 'Mia I, The Blood Queen.'

The Belgian stalemate and the British threat to commit ground troops cause Mia to exclaim, "Limey troops fighting Genovian Elite Units? SHUT UP!" Seeing the need to end the conflict before the British can respond, Queen Mia sees only one option: a cataclysmic escalation of the war. Genovia simultaneously invades Poland, Germany, Italy, Spain, Finland, Norway, and Southern Russia.

Mia throws a grand ball to celebrate the war, inviting all the heads of state from the nations she's invading. Mia, Heather Matarazzo, Raven, and Mandy Moore from the first film, whisper and gossip about all the cute young princes that Mia is subjugating. High jinx then ensue when her crown is knocked off by an inept server and it lands in the soup! Meanwhile, on the front, 50,000 Genovians and 75,000 Allied troops are killed in a catastrophic assault on well-fortified positions. The lines stabilize, the war begins to wear on.

During a morale-boosting trip to the front, Mia operates a surface-to-air missile battery for the cameras and accidentally shoots down a U.S. Red Cross Relief plane. This incident enrages the American public and the U.S. joins the war, promising to commit "any resources necessary to rip Mia's bloody claws from European soil."

Faced with the overwhelming might of the U.S., and as Larry Miller prepares her new 'Conquest-chic Look,' Queen Mia gives the order to construct a complex trench network surrounding Genovia. She stern- heartedly exclaims, "I may be defeated, but if I am, I shall drag a world down with me! A world in flames!"

Only in "Princess Diaries 4: Fall of the Blood Queen" will the conflict draw to a close.
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More Like Montezuma's Revenge
27 July 2004
Warning: Spoilers

Do you want to know how they kill the shark in this one? Do you want to know how stupid the producers of this Bahaman hunk of crap think you are? SHE SAILS THE BOAT INTO THE SHARK AND IMPALES IT WITH THE BOW. No, you read it correctly. The last Starfighter is standing on the deck, flashing some strobe at the shark. The strobe reacts to the electronic gizmo that Mario Van Peebles dropped in its mouth (naturally), the shark stands straight up in the water and roars--I said ROARS!!!--just at the moment Ellen Brody sails the boat into it. Smile you son-of-a-career-ruining-sequel!

This is the worst movie I have ever seen in my entire life. The shark eats the Last Starfighter's younger brother in New England, then IT FOLLOWS ELLEN BRODY TO THE BAHAMAS. Apparently, even sharks need a Caribbean getaway now and again. The story is impossible for anyone with even a single connected synapse to believe. I half expected the shark to somehow regurgitate Robert Shaw up onto the deck to help with the navigating of the boat directly into the heart of the beast.

About half way through the movie, my right hand jerked up involuntarily and smacked my face. Minutes later, my left hand did the same thing. That's right; this movie was so bad, that my body tried to stop me from watching it. Loss of bowel/bladder control followed quickly thereafter.

They should play this in hospitals to snap catatonics back to reality and wake coma patients who will jump out of bed and run screaming down the hall to get away from its sheer nightmarish stupidity. This isn't just bad-it's an atrocity.

I know in the director's cut, Mario Van Peebles--even though he was chewed up by the shark--doesn't die. He limply paddles back in after the great impaling, smiling and joking--it's alright, everybody, Mario Van Peebles made it! Had I seen that, my head would've exploded, ruining my couch and un-scotch guarded carpet.

Oh, Michael Kane. Why? You're an Oscar-caliber actor. What did you think it was going to do for your career, standing on the deck of 'Neptune's Folly' in-between the Last Starfighter and Mario Van Peebles? Hoagie, indeed my friend.
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Expelled! F-!
12 July 2004
This was the worst movie I have ever seen in my life. It was so bad, in fact, that it almost was the end of me. I was just barely able to get out of bed the next day. My credit card bills are climbing, my car payment is too high, I have a mortgage that's slowly strangling me, and I now must live with the knowledge that I can never un-see 'Splatter University.' It was almost too much to take. Ultimately, I got out of bed to feed my fish--and I couldn't let anything happen to myself while they were dependent on me to live. God only knows where I'd be right now if I didn't have a fish tank.

This movie takes place over a span of a couple weeks. Yet in every scene, all the characters are wearing the same clothes. If I had to listen to that idiot with the sleeveless blue t-shirt on howl like a wolf one more time, I was going to put my head through the tv.

When I rented it, I was hoping for a college slasher romp, fraught with scantily clad college-aged honeys. None of that here. How about great make-up fx and gallons of blood? Try again. A creepy killer that was good for at least ONE scare? Nope.

I never in a million years would think that a movie with a running time of 79 MINUTES could feel so long. But now that I know, there's no going back. You see, I've graduated from Splatter University, and it weighs on my conscience like a student loan with payments made directly to hell.
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The REAL Horror of Campfire Stories
3 May 2004
Warning: Spoilers
Do you want to know what the scariest thing about this movie was? The most disturbing repercussion of this film? The sheer terror behind this stupid video is that through a series of mind-numbing events beyond my control, I returned this hunk of crap five days late and was attacked and devoured by a HIDEOUS MONSTER . . . of a late fee.

This is second only to the hideous irony of the time I got an $80 late fee billed directly to my credit card after my friend rented Basketball on my account and never returned it. How's THAT for a campfire story--MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

I knew I was in trouble when in the first minute of the movie, a giant, digital skull floating over computer-generated fire appeared and then went on a five minute rant, reminding me why it was supposed to be scary. Shut up, flaming skull!

Then two morons almost run down Jamie-Lynn-Siegler-DiScalia-Soprano in the middle of the woods. To make a long story short, the three of them run into Buster Poindexter sitting by a fire. He's apparently some kind of park ranger that looks like a grown-up boy scout who's maybe got a childhood issue or two that he never got over. Buster Poindexter? Get that out of my face!

I truly believe that Jamie-Lynn-Siegler-DiScalia-Soprano would've have done more for her career had she done Showgirls 2 instead of this mess. This is probably the worst movie I have ever seen in my entire life.

The tales made no sense at all. The psycho escapes from the hospital, flash-forward twenty years later. Kids torment the creepy janitor. Could this be a red herring, leading us to believe the wrong guy is the escaped lunatic? Of course not. The janitor IS the killer and even the students at the school know it. Phfft.

Here is my single biggest problem with this movie; in the final story where the girl returns to her crazy grandmother's house and kills all her friends and the perv deputy, how is it that her friend and the cop are attacked at the same time by the killer, then the girl runs out to them later, but the friend doesn't realize that SHE was the one who attacked her? Are you kidding me? Did they just stop trying?

I'm tired. I'm just so tired. I try, I really do, but how long can you fight the flood of horrible movies? It's like trying to stop the tide from coming in. It'll never stop. There will also be B-Horror hacks out there churning out badly written dialogue attached to transparent plots and Jamie-Lynn-Siegler-DiScalia-Sopranos dying to star in them.

At least she's hot.
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Midnight Mass (2003)
31 March 2004
If my one-word summary drew you in to read this, making you think this would be a rave review of this horrendous piece of trash, then you know how I felt when I picked up the box for this movie, thought it might be cool and watched it. This is easily the worst movie I have ever seen in my entire life.

I can't really talk about the plot because whenever I think about the storyline of this ridiculous excuse for cinema, I suffer alternating waves of nausea and fatigue.

I racked my brain, trying to figure out how this movie could've been made--because, quite simply, it defies logic. Then one day, I awoke from a dream, and before my mind was a vision. And then, o! how clear it was! The answer was given to me, and now, I must tell it to you.

One day, a magic ape escaped from the zoo. During its adventure in the outside world, the ape found a winning lottery ticket blowing around in the street. Since primates can't collect lottery winnings, the magic ape befriended a local neighborhood boy whom nobody played with and was in need of a heart transplant. The ape and the boy adored each other and became the dearest of friends. The magic ape then gave the ticket to the boy's father to collect the winnings for him. But before they could make it to the local convenience store, the zoo keepers caught up with the ape!

During the capture, it was discovered that the ape and the boy were the same blood type and that the boy could receive the transplant of the magic ape's heart. While they were lying in the pre-op room, both beast and boy on the table, the boy's father leaned in close and whispered to the ape, "What should I do? Tell me!" The ape then let out a series of grunts and murmurs that the boy's father loosely interpreted as the premise for a horror film about vampires taking over the world, as well as instructions for using the lottery winnings to finance said film.

I don't know if the kid lived or not, but his stupid father sure did get this atrocity filmed and distributed.

This was yet another in a series of ridiculous movies I have intentionally rented to make good on my vow of revenge against my friend Marc for making me watch equally bad films. This one definitely would've done the job--had the frumpy heroine and bad dialogue not put him to sleep instantly.
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Teen Wolf Too (1987)
Sweet Merciful God Why?
24 February 2004
After a lifetime of watching movies and searching for the greatest moment in cinematic history, I've finally found it. Is it Orson Welles' breathless death-rattle of `. . . rosebud.' In Citizen Kane? No. How about Al Pacino giving Fredo the kiss of death in Godfather II? Try again. What about Peter Finch screaming into the Network camera `I'm mad as hell, and I'm not gonna take it ANYMORE!' . . . not even close.

Are you ready? Here it is: the greatest moment in contemporary motion picture history is . . . in Teen Wolf Too when Jason Bateman (as the Wolf) runs across the park, leaps through the air in slow motion, and comes down with a Frisbee in his mouth-all without losing that stupid hat he had on!

Oh, but this film is peppered with other fantastic gems. Like the part where the Wolf and Chubby where cruising around in the University Corvette (what, your school didn't have one?) and they almost ran that guy on the bike over and the Wolf just kept laughing and laughing--good times; or what about when Chubby was in the ring and he bounced the smaller guy into the ropes, put his hand on his hip, twirled his fist and knocked the kid out; ew! ew! ew! I know! What about when the Wolf was singing `Do You Love Me!' Remember? When he had that little suit on and he was strutting his choreographed stuff with the team of wannabe Solid Gold Dancers? Box office dynamite!

I don't remember a huge portion of this film, because the part of my brain that controls my higher cognitive functions shut down somewhere between the part where Chubby farts and Stiles sits in the smell and the part where the science teacher walks away from Gomez Addams with a tail wagging from under her skirt. Just thinking about it makes my lobes tingle and go numb.

If there was one thing worse than the moron who played Stiles in Teen Wolf, it has got to be the guy that played Stiles in Teen Wolf Too. Oh my God that guy was horrible. The only highlight of this movie was when Stiles gets punched-out in between rounds of the big climactic fight scene-I like it because I've convinced myself that it was an outtake and he REALLY got hit. Take THAT Stuart Fratkin! What was he thinking? `Yeah, I landed a SWEET gig on Teen Wolf Too-I'm STILES! Just the springboard my career needs!' Yeah, look out DeNiro, here comes Stuart Fratkin.

My buddy Marc brought this movie over to my house and I'm not sure what to think. This is the same friend that exposed me to Pumpkinhead 2. The only thing I can figure is that he is one of many alien infiltrators sent to Earth to use bad movies to brainwash people into a zombie-like trance, making way for an alien take over. To those in a similar circumstance, I say RESIST! You're not taking my soul with Teen Wolf Too, Marc! I'm on to you fella!
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Who'd of thought Corey Feldman could ruin a movie with only a cameo?
12 February 2004
Warning: Spoilers
My head hurts. Why? Because ten years ago I watched Friday the 13th Part V and the part of my brain where that memory is stored has been rotten ever since.

This is just possibly the worst movie of all time--and this is coming from a series of lovably bad movies. I'm about to give away the ending here (I refuse to call this a 'spoiler' because this flick didn't need any help from me to spoil itself); the Jason in this one isn't even Jason--it's just some guy.

What guy? The ambulence driver--DUH! Why did he do it?

Because his (overly) mildly challenged son was hacked up by a nut job and he was sent to clean up the mess. "Oh," you're saying, "so the killer got away and now the ambulence driver is killing to get revenge until he reaches the murderer?" No, they caught the murderer, this guy's going around in the hockey mask killing . . . well, just because.

Highlights from this particular chapter include the guy from Jawana Mann getting killed in a sheet-metal porta-potty and an inexplicable dirty inbred on a dirt bike that wears a leather aviator's helmet and goggles. Did I mention how ridiculous and dirty he was?

Why didn't Tommy notice that this Jason's hockey mask had blue triangles on it instead of red ones? I mean come on! BLUE triangles! Who'd be afraid of that?

I don't know what the story line was supposed to be about and since Part VI picked up as if this piece of garbage had happily never happened, I'm not really going to worry about it.

All I know is that I wanted to use this movie to inflict revenge on my buddy Marc for exposing me to both Pumpkinhead 2 & Teen Wolf Too. Good plan? Yes. Did it work? Of course not. Why? Because this movie is so horrendous, that it wasn't even "funny" bad and he fell alseep. I'm hoping this video is like "The Ring," where if I can show it to some one else, the evil will leave me alone; so if I show up on your doorstep with a beat up VHS copy of good ol' Part V, run like hell.
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God forgive the producers of this, because I won't.
7 August 2003
I'm going to preface this by saying, I enjoyed Pumpkinhead I. It was a good story about backwoods lore. Though the camera found the monster a little too often (Stan Winston can be forgiven for falling in love with his creation, though) it was a good 80's popcorn horror flick.

Having said that, the people who made Pumpkinhead 2: Bloodwings, should be skinned alive, strapped to a chair with their eyelids peeled open and forced to watch this ridiculous piece of garbage again and again. Did Andrew Robinson even read the script before he showed up to shoot this train-wreck?

You were in Hellraiser for God's sake, have some pride!

Did these idiots even watch the first film? Was that old woman supposed to be the same witch that stole Lance Henricksen's soul? I hope not--because otherwise, it's quite an accomplishment that she was suddenly good, and that her name was changed.

The fifties flashback? The mullet-ed mayor with the guitar? The annoying medical examiner who--for some strange reason is ALWAYS at the sheriff's house? And the idea that this new Pumpkinhead was the hell-spawn of the old Pumpkinhead and some "not so special woman" is idiotic. What? Are you trying to tell me they slept together? Did you see the first movie? If you look closely, you'll notice that ol' Pumpkinhead isn't exactly anatomically correct.

The absolute most horrendous part of this movie came in the character of Paul--otherwise known as the friend who didn't get any throughout the whole film. I want to say something to Paul right now, are you listening? You had no point at all in this film. You deserved to get killed for those stupid clothes you had on. Your one job was to go and get the car from around front--you couldn't even do that right. May God have mercy on your soul.

I don't know why God let this movie get made. My buddy Marc told me I had to watch it because it was so stupid. I believed him beforehand, but--in a Twilight Zone-ian sense, I had no idea HOW RIGHT he was. I want to conjure Pumpkinhead to come get him for having brought it home from the video store.

I feel like having watched this movie, I've somehow been exposed to some great and terrible contagion that will make me incapable of appreciating a good movie ever again.
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Mr. Nice Guy (1997)
Honest Review of Horrible Flick
6 December 2002
This is the worst movie I have ever seen in my entire life. Directed by Samo Hung (who would later leap to the ENORMOUS manstream success starring opposite Aresnio Hall in the ground-breaking TV show "Martial Law"), this film weaves an incoherent storyline with an equally incoherent Jackie Chan.

The result is a series of amazing, death-defying stunts, that leaves the audience wishing that Jackie Chan WOULD get caught by the spinning saw blade or even a stray bullet. By the time an un-explained monster truck barrels through the drug-lord's glass house at the end, however, I was hoping a stray bullet would hit ME to end my misery.
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Who Let This Happen?
11 November 2002
The reason we love these "Friday" flicks is because--for whatever reason--we love to see a huge, hockey-masked, fella hack his way through untalented cast- after-cast of scantily-clad teens. THERE WAS NONE OF THAT HERE!

The Jason that is wreaking the havoc isn't even the REAL Jason, it's his ghost in other people's bodies. Though it did star Erin Gray and Cpt. Fuller from 21 Jump Street, the lead was the weird guy from the Friday the 13th TV show (which, ironically enough, had nothing to do with the movies).

All of a sudden, Jason's got an extended family, and there's all kinds of confusing back-story. The only part I enjoyed was the hot FBI agent in the towel running through the woods. The scene harkened back to a simpler time when we could enjoy Jason the same way you enjoy a burger--good taste that's bad for you and no thinking involved.
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Feardotcom (2002)
Why this does not work.
4 September 2002
"Feardotcom" has a novel hook, but little else makes it worth seeing. The production design seemed to be centered around the motifs of "rainy" and "dark." It tried its best to mimic the look and feel of David Fincher's "Se7en," but fell short. Here is why.

The point of the flick (yes, I am going to ruin the ending) is that a murdered woman's ghost haunts the website that broadcast her death. Now, she manipulates people to log onto the site--at which time they have 48hrs to "play" before they die. She wants them to find her murderer (played by Stephen Rea--the one pleasent surprise of this movie).

Don't watch this thinking you're going to understand why it's happening; no explantion is offered as to HOW the internet is killing people, or WHY the leading lady would swim through innercity drain water to pull out a body lodged in sewer pipes.

It was a waste of time. I knew it going in, but if I hadn't been to the theater with a first date that wanted to see it, I would've seen "Signs" again.
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