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1313: Giant Killer Bees! (2011)
What did I just watch?
This is possibly the worst thing I have ever seen. Soft core porn with a bunch of actors who all look alike and really bad CGI. The director films ENDLESS scenes of the actors showering and lying on their beds fondling themselves. I mean the scenes go one forever!! Way past the point of being erotic or remotely interesting. Who takes a shower for 10 minutes?? In Southern California with a water shortage? And then a giant killer bee attacks them and turns them into zombies? Seriously, my head hurts.
The actors ARE very pretty, if you like pretty men. And one of them even dreams he is straight and EWWW kisses a girl. But there IS a really hot black guy. And everyone wears tight white boxer briefs if you're into that.
Year One (2009)
The only thing funny or clever about this movie was the casting of Eden Riegel as the lesbian Lilith, sister of Cain - which may or not have been an "inside joke", since Eden plays Bianca, the lesbian daughter of Erica Kane on "All My Children".
With the talents of Harold Ramis, Jack Black, and Michael Cera; and with a seemingly foolproof concept; the whole thing just sort of lies there. And a great supporting cast of strong comic actors is totally wasted. What could have been a "The Life of Brian" becomes a "Wholly Moses".
And is Oliver Platt really that hairy????????????
Ma mère (2004)
A really bad and pretentious movie
This movie stole 2 hours of my life and I want them back! I kept watching, hoping against hope, that something would happen in the film to redeem itself, but alas, it was not to be. Watching this movie is the cinematic equivalent of a root canal. And for a movie so full of sex, this is about the least erotic thing I can imagine.
While Isabelle Huppert is an undeniably talented and beautiful actress, I can not comprehend what would possess her to star in a film like this. This movie is full of unpleasant people doing unpleasant things, for no discernible reason other than to annoy the viewer. None of the characters are remotely realistic, and their actions and motivations make no sense. In a real world, Isabelle Huppert's character would have been imprisoned and/or institutionalized.
The basic story is this: boy goes to live with his parents, dad dies, son pees all over his dad's stuff and masturbates, mom sniffs her son's butt, mom decides to introduce son to a world of sexual deviance and perversion (including participating in group sex with him), mom decides she should leave before the two of them actually have sex (but she conveniently leaves a whore behind for son to fall in love with), mom continues her career as a prostitute, son and whore whip the local restaurateur and cry, mom comes home to cause more trouble, and then mom dies and son masturbates at her coffin.
There, I just saved you two hours and quite a few brain cells.
Otets i syn (2003)
Could it be any more annoying?
This film is beautiful to look at, but is like watching really bad experimental theater. The plot (if there was one) doesn't make any sense. But it is very "artistic". Lots of shots of half-dressed actors wrestling and looking deep into each other's eyes. Lots of arty shots through windows and with people out of frame. Mumbling and people wandering wistfully. Lingering close-ups of faces and bodies. By the time you get to the threesome on the roof with the cat, you'll be ready to throw a bottle of KY at the screen.
It is supposed to be about a father and son's relationship, but you will just be wishing the two of them would just f*$& each other and get it over with. If you have always wanted to see bad Russian gay porn without any money shots, your wish has been granted.
A well-acted movie about repulsive characters
The problem with movies like this, is that no matter how well acted they are, or how well written they are, or how well directed, is that the characters themselves are so repulsive and unappealing that is almost impossible for any sort of emotion to kick in. Most films expect you to empathize or at least sympathize with at least one of the characters- but there was no way to do that in this movie. The crimes depicted are brutal and horrendous, but happened to such disgusting people that any sense of horror at what happened was not there. I really did not care what happened to Josh Lucas' character, or any of his cohorts. And the main characters, John Holmes and his teen girlfriend Kate Bosworth, were equally repugnant. The only character it was possible to sympathize or empathize with was Lisa Kudrow (who gave another great performance, but she had too little screen time. And a cameo by Paris Hilton was totally idiotic.
Big Eden (2000)
What a beautiful movie!
I have had this movie in my DVD collection for over a year, and I finally got around to watching it the other night. Well, I ended up staying up all night, because after I watched the movie, I had to watch it again with the director's commentary, and then watch the deleted scenes, and then watch the deleted scenes again with the director's commentary, and then watch all of the other special features.
It was so wonderful and refreshing to see a movie where all the characters wanted was for the people they loved and cared about to be happy. Imagine a world where all the hatred, bigotry, and prejudice didn't exist, and you have Big Eden.
Thir13en Ghosts (2001)
Wait - weren't there actually F15teen ghosts?????
This movie was pretty bad. It starts off with a really noise and busy scene in a scrap yard where a bunch of people get killed by a mean-spirited ghost. Then we meet an annoying family who inherit a house that is actually a "machine built by the devil, and powered by ghosts". Of course the kids don't listen and wander off, and more people get killed (rather gruesomely, although I have the admit the lawyer getting sliced in half was rather ingenious), until the spunky African-American housekeeper/nanny/comic relief saves the day by scratching some records.
But there was some rambling legend about needing 12 ghosts, and then a 13th ghost to open up some Devil Eye or something...now, there were 12 ghosts in the house...then the lawyer gets killed...then Shaggy...and then Benedict Arnold-ish soul saver chick...so shouldn't there have been 15 ghosts wandering around?? I must admit the set (the moving glass house) was pretty cool. But the best part of the movie is the opening credits, where the camera pans 360 degrees around a room, while time passes and the room changes, without any visible edits. The director deserves better.
Clinton and Nadine (1988)
Nice to look at
I watched this movie last night, and I discovered the best way to enjoy it- turn the volume down.
Both Ellen Barkin and Andy Garcia are SO YOUNG and SO GORGEOUS! Seriously, this movie is a MUST if you are an Andy Garcia fan. He is drop-dead gorgeous. You even get to see him shirtless (briefly)and if you like hairy chests, you will be in your glory. Ellen Barkin is pretty hot, too, and there is a really cute dog.
The plot? There was lots of running and sweating and shooting and people getting wet- I don't think you'll miss much if you don't listen to it the sound.
So-turn the volume down and put on your favorite record. Enjoy the eye-candy.
The Matrix Reloaded (2003)
Great action but a snore
I saw this movie on a Friday night and granted, I had worked all day and I was tired, but I came THIS close to falling asleep during the interminable talking talking talking scenes. But I think the main downfall of this (and the original Matrix)is the lack of concern for the main characters. I really had no emotional investment in Neo or Morpheus or any of them, so it was hard to really care what happened. I told my friend after seeing the first Matrix the it was all style and no substance, and this movie continues the pattern. If you want to see an action movie, go see X-Men or better yet go see "Spellbound" and see the best movie of the year.
What a great movie!
As someone who in their teen years was also a spelling bee contestant, I thought this movie did a brilliant job showing what the experience was actually like.
What was especially wonderful was to see a film that celebrated academic achievements; as we all know, it is usually only the athletes who get any recognition, and as this film showed, the work involved in preparation is just as hard.
The film also captured, in several of the families, that bittersweetness that comes when parents realize that their child is now smarter than they are; while they will continue to provide life lessons to their child, the parents know that their child will no longer be coming to them with any homework questions!
"Congradulations!" to all involved!