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Remember Me (2010)
Not so bad... oh, oh my god! What... why?
The entire film, I was deeply annoyed. For one, I thought Pattinson would be able to pull a Zac Efron and play something he didn't straight out of his infamously bad (within the movie community, not within little girls, so please don't bother arguing for Twilight). Maybe, with a good movie, he could prevent typecasting. The only change here was that he didn't glitter. The entire film was him pulling off an awful accent (as did everyone) and brooding. If I wanted to see him sad and sulky in a poorly written and obvious film, then I'd watch Twilight (no, but I'd never do that again). And the worst part is they knew it would be obvious, so they threw in THAT ending. I won't say it, because it's technically a spoiler, but it's in the parental advisory thing if you want to find out. The point is it was offensive, not that it's not allowed in films, but in a film this bad in a way that really wasn't needed, I just felt like it was disrespectful. And the Tate Ellington character that was supposed to be the comedic relief from all of Robert Pattison bitching, well, they tried to make the character funny, but you just ended up hating him just as much because he wasn't funny and he was just obnoxious. Pierce Brosnan (in an equally awkward accent) had one of two decent scenes. His was the much needed yelling at Pattinson, letting Pattinson know that he's annoying. And the other scene was one involving Pattinson bitching out a little girl (his equal match). All of the pleasure you may get out of this film (if you aren't some stupidly desperate teenager who believes that Robert Pattinson makes good movies simply because he was a vampire once) will be destroyed by the end. If you really liked the ending, you missed the point or your mind has been hypnotized by Pattinson's "dreaminess." Which he doesn't have. His eyebrows scare me.
Don't see it, is the point.
Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus (2009)
The Best Worst Thing To Ever Happen
When a film is so bad it's good, it isn't met with high expectations. You know what you're getting into. The worst film you can think of that has zero potential and reaches said nothing by being just terrible will delight any movie buff who loves to complain. While films like Transformers 2 are just awful, a bad movie that's so bad it's good needs to have the following: 1) Low budget 2) Terrible acting 3) Almost no redeeming qualities 4) Low expectations While transformers 2 or other big budget bull might be considered bad, that's because of how high the potential was. But when a movie has nothing and instead of taking the ball and running with it, it just drops and does absolutely nothing good, this is hilarity. I happen to own Plan 9 From Outer Space and wish to order a copy of Mega Shark versus Giant Octopus when I can (btw: Mega Sharks the cool one) out of my love of a film that can just not even try. This was hilarious. Any one who appreciates Ed Wood films for what they are (or aren't) will understand why this film is simply amazing. The reason I say 10/10 is not because I think this film is good, it's because it dropped so low that it is in a league of awfulness. And it's the best in that league.
Like Terminator but with God instead of Skynet
Wow. Just wow. It's almost the perfect example of Hollywood losing: A)Originality B) Talent C) Taste D) Self-Respect E) Dignity I mean, whatkind of farce is this? I was hoping the film wouldn't take itself too seriously and it'd be a joke of films. I left and couldn't tell whether it was an unfunny parody, or a terrible done... anything else. If you want to keep your dignity and hope for the film industry, stay home. Please. I really hope you take this advice so my faith in people doesn't entirely run dry, as it nearly did after viewing this, not because of it's overbearingly moronic message but because somebody actually wrote this. It brings a shudder to my spine.
Back at the Barnyard (2007)
People often diss this show, and I just can't understand what's wrong with it. I'm not going to spend time arguing every point made, I'll just praise it: My little brother watches Nickelodeon, and as far as I can tell it just went down the toilet since the nineties. I used to love Spongebob and the newer episodes I've watched are godawful. So it does my heart good to actually laugh out loud at a new show. Though it's not as thoughtful as older shows, as I've grown my sense of humor has become more immature, and I can understand why people enjoy stupid stuff. My favorite comedy show now is probably Robot Chicken, which goes under fire for the fact that it's dumb. But what did people expect? But I'm not reviewing that. I'm reviewing Barnyard. Barnyard is ridiculous in plot, has mastered the art of "random humor," but still manages to have a decent storyline. It's like if Robot Chicken kept a plot as opposed to brief clips, but for children and not fart jokes (thank god, by the way. I actually hate fart jokes even though I like Robot Chicken, and am sick of all the fart jokes in kid shows). All in all, it hasn't disappointed me yet and I look forward to watching it in the future.
Fantastic Mr. Fox (2009)
Legitimitely Good For All Ages
I don't like it when films boast as being "fun for the whole family," but it applies to this movie; this is a movie that good parents would show their kids. In a time when so many film companies, excluding Pixar and occasionally Dreamworks, decide that an obvious plot with moronic humor can be shoveled into children's' little heads because they're young, it does my heart good to see a film made that treats children like smart, mature people. It's about time somebody realized that children don't all laugh at farts. I was in stitches, myself, as was everyone else I went with. Don't think "is it too mature for my baby?" because then you're deciding to lessen your child's capacity for smartness. Let them see good films and get a better understanding of the world, as opposed to just showing them every movie that has a fart in the trailer. That's good parenting.
Hotel for Dogs (2009)
Don't insult your children.
Guys, I'm sincerely tired of movie industries deciding all children are stupid. I respect children. Children have now been stereotyped as morons who laugh at anything that makes a stupid noise and poop jokes. Now, people may say that this is of their maturity level. Well, of course it is! Only because they've been made to enjoy it by drivel like this. Start your kids out with good films, ageless films that are good for adults and kids. Like Fantastic Mr. Fox, or Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs, or anything related to Pixar. Give them a film they won't look back at later on and have to shame themselves for. Deciding your child is going to enjoy any film with animals and farts is what I'd call neglect. So don't come and complain that we're rating this as an adult's film when it isn't, because you rate films on what they're meant to be. This is meant to be a kid's movie. At that, it is insulting to children, assuming they're all complete morons. Please, pick a good film.
Glenn Martin DDS (2009)
Even the canned laughter stopped laughing
This was embarrassing. This show makes you feel embarrassed for everybody who made it. And, yet, at the same time you feel angry at them. Every joke is forced and unfunny, every line is a failed punchline, every sight-gag is explained and analyzed until it's even less funny that when it started. The on-going joke is that the dog has a large rectal opening, and for some reason everybody who sees the dog has to stare and tell people about it. Dogs have ass-holes is the point they're trying to make. And this is funny...? When first aired, every line was followed by canned laughter. Not an exaggeration. Every line, every sight-gag, every brisk movement was followed by laughter. The insight that's trying to be given is always ridiculous and every joke is so forced and predictable it's hard to watch. It's made in a style that is nauseating to watch: choppy and chock-full of unnecessary movements to remind you they can make the dollies move. The worst is the hands; every sentence is accompanied with jazz hands because they made movable fingers and they're clearly proud of it. I have watched one episode experimentally and felt sick and angry. I watched another because my friend didn't believe how bad it was. Both were unbearable, and even the commercials are enough to make you want to punch the writers and creators in the face and remind them they aren't clever, they aren't giving a satirical look at society, they are playing with child's toys and writing with childish immaturity. I will be very happy when I stop seeing any previews so I can assume the network came to their senses and canceled it. It's sad, Catherine O'Hara used to be funny.
Land of the Lost (2009)
What do you expect?
If you go into this movie expecting a well thought out, mature, plot-based film, you are both bound to be disappointed and stupid. This is what Ferrell movies are all about: Will acts stupid, a bunch of immature jokes ensue, plot-holes or plot-stretches are overlooked for the gags, pretty straight forward. On these grounds, the film delivers. Now, as soon as you meet the bad guy, of course you can tell he's evil, and of course there are impossibilities, but put it in perspective: it's a childish sci-fi comedy, and it's a Will Ferrell film. Of course that's the route it went. This expected, I went in, laughed, and enjoyed what I saw. Danny McBride, as always, is hilarious in delivery, and my only real criticism is some of the jokes with Ferrell just dragged on. Not many, but some. Brevity is wit. Hence, 7/10, on the grounds that it is what it meant to be, is good at being that, and is funny on those terms, but at times desperate. If you like stupid Will Ferrell jokes or stupid jokes in general (Adult Swim comes to mind) you will enjoy this for what it is.
I could go on, but I'll make this brief enough.
I could write a legitimate novel on how horrendous this film was. I get tired of everyone who complains "well, I just saw it for Megan Fox," or "I just saw it for the action." There is no justification for saying this film was anything better than what it is: an insult. Michael Bay is given enough money to feed an entire African nation and gives us THIS. The acting was awful, and I'll admit that in these sorts of films, usually, that would be no problem. But Mr. Bay went as far as to say that the acting wasn't only supposed to be good, but it was. His only redemption and HE squashes it. Kudos, idiot. And as for the writing, it's no secret as to the immature, offensive, plot-hole-filled wretchedness that shows no bounds; the transitions to new plot points are ridiculous ("We're on three of the most beautiful pyramids in the world, Sam"..."OH MY! That just gave me the epiphany that there are three stars! I KNOW WHERE THE MAGIC THING IS!"). The action is killed with awful, embarrassing one-liners said in monotonous old-man voices via the transformers, ("Ah-pull.. ovah!"). The main problem was that Mr. Bay's target audience wasn't really a single group. The idiotically immature humor could only be funny to a five-year old, but the sexuality wouldn't be allowed by most adults (John Turturro in a thong shouldn't be viewed by anybody, let alone children). And nobody could truly enjoy the plot, which is like a story trying to be told by somebody with an awful case of Tourettes. My point is, avoid this movie at all costs. The first was funny and entertaining, don't let this schlock ruin it.
To Vampires what Barney is to Dinosaurs
Now, clearly it's not supposed to be "cool" like Dracula, but as a film it has no merit, either. Acting is terrible, plot is entirely predictable, anybody who can sympathize with the characters despite the writing and awful performances are just pathetic. The only reason this film has any support is the sad army of lonely teenage girls in the world. I thought it would be funny to watch and make fun of how terrible it was, but it's so bad it goes beyond "so bad it's good," and is just enough to infuriate you, considering anybody reading this, bar none, could have made a better movie. Unless, of course, they enjoyed this film.