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House on Haunted Hill (1999)
Look out for the scary ink blot!
**SPOILERS**Well, I had heard from certain persons that this film was worth seeing, and after much contemplation, I have decided never to listen to said persons again. I like horror movies as much as the next person, but nothing frustrates me more than a horror movie that is aimed at the MTV generation, with flashy lights, clever techno-classical music fusion, and unnecessary casual swearing.
Simply put, the acting was overdone. The special effects, though beautiful, created only meaningless atmosphere, not making up for the lack of good performances. It didn't seem that much thought or effort went into actually making this movie good.
This is a slight spoiler, but not really. I must say, I was sorely disappointed that the villain turned out to be a Rorschach ink blot test. I could have sworn he was shaped like a bunny.
How I Wasted My Saturday Night
I didn't expect this to be a good movie, I really didn't. At the very least, I thought that I could rip it to shreds in a Tom Servo-esque parade of witty commentary. Alas, I was wrong.
I spent an entire evening watching a futuristic world where we pump out Stephen "The Lesser Baldwin" Baldwin clones fifty times a day, and make them do our manual labor. Which is coincidental, because his acting career tells us that manual labor is the only thing he's really fit to do. While these Baldwin-clones work on our highways and clean our hospital rooms, we enjoy the fruits of the future by switching bodies with willing hookers and homeless people to enjoy "living through someone else". The plot, though easily followed, seemed like a contrived shot at the popularity of the Matrix. And no, I'm not a Matrix fanboy claiming that every movie is a cheap shot at the Wachowski brothers' "masterpiece".
The film hooked me by giving Kyle MacLachlan top billing, and failing to mention that he's only in the film for a short time. What can I expect from something not fit for theatrical release? In closing, if our future involves cloning the Lesser Baldwin to do our manual labor, leaving us to switch bodies with hobos... let me die young.