Reviews written by registered user
mike-ryan455

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108 reviews in total 
Index | Alphabetical | Chronological | Useful

2010: Moby Dick (2010) (V)
13 out of 18 people found the following review useful:
Unbelievably awful!, 26 November 2010
1/10

I have no idea HOW they got the cast to do this hokum. It was frakking unbelievably awful.

I have no idea how they got the cast to sign on, I have no idea. Blackmail? Threats of torture? Kidnapping? But they were just wasted. They looked like they couldn't believe they had been forced to do such awful drivel.

What killed it was the story. The original was a wonderful novel. It has been done quite well at least three times before, with Gregory Peck, Patrick Stewart or Jack Aranson as Ahab. Orson Welles made a short of it. A new version is coming out with William Hurt as Ahab, and I look forward to it. Even if the script had been decent, I think Barry Bostwick would have been out of his league playing Ahab.

The special effects aren't that bad, but it takes so little to do that these days. What was AWFUL was how they used them. The whale looks to be the size of an island, simply bigger than any animal has ever been found to be.

I could go on and on and on. The only pleasure from it was like that of watching an airplane about to crash. You know it's a disaster in progress and it will be famously horrible.

2012: Ice Age (2011) (V)
5 out of 9 people found the following review useful:
Only if you're drunk and desperate, 29 June 2011
3/10

For all you who can't get enough C- grade movies on SyFy channel, here is a movie made just for you.

First the good points. There aren't many, so this won't take long. The father was the guy who played Commander Bud Roberts on JAG. Not great, but not the worst. The mom, she was an unknown but at least she looked old enough to be the mother of the kids. The kids, well they at least didn't look that much out of the teen-age years.

Bad points - Oh Lord. The Day After, which this movie is clearly ripped off from, made no scientific sense either. But this one was clearly written by California Hollyweirds who have never known snow and cold. Well, nothing they showed works that way in real life.

We all had our favorite scene of unbelievability. Mine was the people flash freezing in New York. Even if it is 50 degrees below zero, living people don't freeze in place instantly like that. And if it were 50 below zero, the whole city would stop. Lubricating oil would freeze.

I must lay these sins firmly at the feet of the writer, Paul Sinor and Victoria Dadi. This dudly duo cooked up another utter pile of trash, the aptly named "Airline Disaster." He also wrote a porn movie named "Testing the Limits" and another named "The Martini Shot" that is so bad and so obscure there is no info on it in IMDb or Blockbuster.

400 Days (2015)
3 out of 13 people found the following review useful:
Not that bad, not that good., 2 November 2015
5/10

The scenario is simple. Four would be astronauts go on a simulated mission for 400 days. Things start out normal but get weirder and weirder as they go on. They have ship failures and "lose communications with Earth." From there, it takes a turn into the creepy. Was it all a hallucination? Was it reality? Were they being tricked? Was one of them cracking? We aren't quite sure what is going on.

The Russians did a similar simulated Mars mission recently, only it was on Earth and everyone walked out. The initial premise wasn't bad. The sets were adequate but not great. I could find lots of problems with them scientifically but I guess that's not the point. Net rating: Plus one point for it being SciFi so five points. Better than typical SyFy channel fare but not good.

18 out of 105 people found the following review useful:
Mindless hate film, 16 June 2010
2/10

If you see this film, your mind won't be changed. You either hate Mormons or you are a Mormon and have a sadomasochistic desire to be hated. No matter what camp you belong to, don't waste your time and money on this one.

The bad part isn't that it is wildly inflammatory hate film. The problem is that it is a terribly done hate film. If you want to see how one group manages to effectively stir up violence against another, go to the source. Go see Jud Süß, http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0032653/. That film will far more clearly show how distortions, critical omissions, half truths, unrelated and random facts along with a few well placed pieces of shock footage REALLY can be used to incite the public to mass violence.

Absolute Zero (2006) (TV)
0 out of 1 people found the following review useful:
Painfully bad!, 26 January 2013
2/10

This is truly one of the worst movies I have ever seen. It might even make the worst.

Picture the movie plot that even SciFi channel rejects made on a shoe string. That sums up "Absolute Zero all too well. I'd like to come up with another way to describe the movie but so far I can't. Revoltingly badly written and trite script with no drama or characterization, utterly scientifically implausible, badly acting, horrid special effects.

Please stay away from this one. It will rot your brain and you will never, ever be able to get back the two hours you will waste on this swill.

36 out of 54 people found the following review useful:
Painfully bad, 25 March 2011
2/10

Summary: The movie was bad. Don't watch it unless you really are desperate.

Details: This is a steampunk version of Moby Dick where they follow the dragons in a huge wagon across snow covered mountains to chase and lance dragons.

People love to complain about the special effects in SyFy channel movies. I found it adequate, better than older Science Fiction classics like Forbidden Planet. The acting was not great but that wasn't what killed the movie. It was the script. It was horrible, rank even by SyFy channel's low standards.

You don't need a huge budget to make a wonderful Science Fiction movie if you have a good script. The Man From Earth is an outstanding example. A cast of eleven and no special effects, yet it was marvelous. This had a comparatively huge budget with costumes, sets, scenes, special effects explosions, everything except a decent script.

We all know that SyFy loves to inflict bad movies on its audience. Why it only chooses such rank scripts, I have no idea. But this one should have been rejected even by them. You can't take a classic story that has been done so well by so many and just do a plot less, trash version without being laughed at.

Alien Agent (2007) (V)
3 out of 5 people found the following review useful:
Lousy - Now I know where "The Event" stole its plot from, 4 June 2011
3/10

First, the plot of "The Event" - the dying planet trying to assemble the teleportation device to beam their inhabitants to safety and the the evil faction going to kill us humans off so they have room on Earth - seemed a wee bit familiar. They stole it from here. This one came years first.

It wasn't a great plot to steal, but The Event could have pulled it off with better acting and a more logical, well written script. They should have known by watching "Alien Agent" that when you don't have a script worth jack you don't have a decent show. Unfortunately, they didn't learn that critical lesson.

Well, on to "Alien Agent." Yes, it is as bad as everyone says it is. Horrid writing, terrible episode, just abysmal. I have seen better from Sci Fi channel movies. It lacks even cheesy CGI special effects. The production values looked more like a bad Star Trek: TOS episode than anything else.

Don't ruin an hour and a half of your life by watching this Grade D turkey.

Alien Dawn (2012)
18 out of 27 people found the following review useful:
OK El-Cheapo Sci Fi movie, 14 October 2012
5/10

I've seen a LOT worse in the "War of the Worlds" genre than this, but just because there's worse out there doesn't make it good.

The aliens come. Of course their technology is far advanced of ours. We don't know why but we can guess. They hit the whole planet with weapons we can't begin to fight back against. Yet somehow a rag-tag bunch do fight, and even achieve a victory.

Is that this movie? Well actually that's "Independence Day" - but they are much the same overall plot. Just don't expect so much from here. The acting is stiff but tolerable. There are glaring plot holes but then there always are. The special effects were adequate but then these days you can make amazingly good special effects on your home computer if you know how.

If it's a cheap enough rental and you're bored, try it.

2 out of 2 people found the following review useful:
That's not a Eudimorphodon!, 23 June 2017
4/10

I was watching the part on the Triassic when they showed an Aetosaur being chased by a pack of Coelophysis and they started talking about Eudimorphodon and how it took to the air as they showed a huge pterosaur overhead and I looked at the show and turned and said "That's not a Eudimorphodon! It's a Quetzalcoatlus." This isn't a subtle distinction and really told what was wrong with the whole show. Even an armchair paleontologist like me knows that Quetzalcoatlus dates to the very end of the Cretaceous while Eudimorphodon dates to the Triassic, 220 million years ago. That's about 150 million years in between. Quetalcoatlus was long necked, toothless, nearly tailless and had a really long, pointed beak. Eudimorphodon means "true dimorphic tooth" because they had a huge mouth of very distinctive teeth. They also have short necks and long tails.

It's not just a matter of making one mistake. The whole show was obviously made by someone who didn't know dinosaurs. They just downloaded some 3d models, loaded them in Blender and called it good without getting any scientists to check it. Of course the results are really lame. I could go on and on but what's the point? They made it too cheaply and didn't fix their mistakes.

21 out of 33 people found the following review useful:
Rather Disappointing, 29 November 2013
4/10

I don't want to flame South African cinema. I've enjoyed several releases from there. I also love a good World War II flying movie. This one lost credibility with me.

I can forgive the CGI flight scenes that look like they came out of a game. Original planes from that period are far too rare and valuable to use to make a movie and special effects don't make a movie. The story makes the movie. Unfortunately the story is what let me down.

There is a phenomena called "suspension of disbelief" in a movie. Unfortunately they literally shot suspension of disbelief quite early. The cliché evil SS officer just blew it away. His actions were utterly illogical. His men didn't point out how his actions directly worked against the Third Reich winning the war.

The evil SS officer was the worst but it wasn't the only logical failure. Over and over I kept thinking "Why would they do that" and "What a wasted opportunity." I sincerely wish them better luck next time.


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