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"The least qualified person to judge a movie is a movie critic."
"Political Correctness offends me"
"Nerd, teacher's pet, aren't these just fake insults that stupid people use to make themselves feel better?"
Favorite Kaiju (Monster) Anguirus.
Credit Card Number: Ha Ha! Got you excited!
Favorite movie: The Lord of the Rings (Trilogy, counts as one movie).
Note: Ebert is a Hack!
Home town: Louydelawomba in far north Allegasala.
The Snake King (2005)
Boring, pretentious rip-off of Anacondas.
Okay, I liked Anacondas. I thought it was a fun, old-fashioned jungle movie. But why on earth would you pick that movie to rip-off? It strikes me as a one-time deal, and it's really amazing it turned out as good as it did. Snake King is a pretty much carbon copy, with almost all the enjoyability taken out and a ton of pretentiousness put in. It starts out looking like an enjoyably predictable jungle adventure with giant snakes and human-sacrificing tribes. However, half-way through it takes a hard right and portrays the tribe as a peaceful, wise group who will all die if the snake is killed (because the script says so, okay!). The villain, heroine, and hero are all immediately identifiable as such (incidently, the hero never does anything heroic except for arguing with the villain. otherwise he's generally being saved all the time.) The snake in the movie makes no sense. It apparently has multiple heads, but why is never even touched on, nor is it touched on how the water gives you immortal life, or anything (the snake, like the tribe, is allowed a certain "heroic" stance, despite the fact that it was just scene killing many people in gruesome ways, like the tribe. But, you know, PC). Ultimately, not a movie to waste your time on, except perhaps from a bad DTV standpoint, but even then the lack of anything interesting for the monster to do (and the attempts to make it seem less of a monster for no reason) does take away considerably from the fun.
A good entry in the series
This is one of the first Godzilla movies I saw, and when I see it now after seeing almost all of the other movies, it still holds up pretty well. The main problem is, of course, Ebirah. Definetly Godzilla's worst foe. I mean, really, A GIANT LOBSTER!? But, other than that, the film is quite good, following the usual trend that the Godzilla movies tend to have much better plots than their american counterparts of the time. Here we have a young man trying to find his brother taking his friends with him to look at boats. When they board one to look around, they find a man with a gun to greet them. He claims to be the owner and allows them to spend the night on the boat. When they wake up the next morning, however, the young man has taken the boat to find his brother. It's wrecked in a storm and they are stranded on an island where they discover a secret organisation called the Red Bamboo is using slave labor to make nuclear weapons. Ebirah, a giant lobster, prevents boats from entering or leaving the island, and Okondoru, a giant condor, prevents planes from arriving. The man who claimed to own the boat, Yoshimura, turns out to be both a thief and the most resourceful member of their little group (which now also includes an escaped slave played by the wonderful Kumi Mizuno). They discover that Godzilla is sleeping on the island, so they wake him up in order to stop the Red Bamboo. He trashes the base, defeats the two other, ahem, monsters, and the slaves and group are all saved by Mothra (who really isn't looking to good by now). The thief, Yoshimura, is definetly my favorite character in this, and the special effects are pretty good at times (he may be a pathetic monster, but Ebirah looks great). As a bonus, it also makes for a great MST3K episode.
Jason and the Argonauts (1963)
A great Harryhausen piece.
Ah, Harryhausen. The greatest special effects artist of all time. Jason and the Argonauts is another one of his grand films that inspired the next generation of film makers. The plot is straightforward and pure fantasy (always the best) Jason's family is killed and his father's throne usurped by an evil conqueror, who also angers Hera by killing innocents in her temple. Tweny years after all this, Jason returns for revenge, and through a complicated series of events, sets out to find the legendary Golden fleece, which will restore his kingdom to its former glory.
ALong the way, of course, he encounters that most dangerous of obstacles, Harryhausen's imagination. A towering bronze giant (picture an ancient Greek version of aa cross between Godzilla and the Terminator), named Talos; Winged Harpies, who torment a blind prophet; a seven headed hydra, who gaurds the fleece; and, best of all, seven armed skelitons. The hydra is probably the only one I was disapointed by. It looks great, but it doesn't really do much. However, considering the work poor Harryhuasen did for what it is, I should be glad it's in there at all.
The Skeliton swordfight is the best sequence in the film. It is, in fact, one of the best sequences ever. I've never seen anything like it! Jason and his men make actual contact with the things, they actually grab their weapons and punch them down! It's incredible! A definite must see for anyone who even knows the name Harryhausen (and for everyone else. If for nothing else, then for the skelitons)
Night Train to Mundo Fine (1966)
HEY! COLMEN! MOST MOVIES USE A WONDERFUL NEW THING THESE DAYS. IT'S CALLED A "PLOT"!
My god I hate this movie! the maine charaters are a couple of criminals who we are supposed to be sympithising with, but I wanted them in prisin. They decide to run off to cuba, for some reason. they get captured, a few random people are shot, they escape (I think) they throw a guy down a well (?), they steal a car, hop a train, shoot a wife, two get captured, Colmen Francis gets shot.
The Good; The "Night Train to Mundo Fine" Song is ok, there are some shots where you can't see Colmen Francis, he dies!
The Bad; NO PLOT, I HATED THE CHARACTERS, IS MEAN, ANTI-LAW, ANTI-AMERICAN, ANARCHISTIC. THERE ARE CLOSE UPS OF COLMEN FRANCIS, HE IS ON SCREEN MOST OF THE TIME, IS IMPOSIBLY STUPIDE! I could go on for days, but this is a summery of one pathedic movie.
Good God NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
What IDIOT decided it would be a good idea to make an American Godzilla movie? That's like haveing James Bond work for the CIA. It just isn't done! But, I tend to be generous whenever I watch this movie (always it's so me and my friend can make fun of it) I prefer to view it as a some-what passible remake of "The Beast From 20000 Fathoms". I mantain that the stupidest idea in recent filmaking history is the decision to try to pass this off as a Godzilla movie. It's not. Just because it has a monster named "Godzilla" Tramping around a major city doesn't make it a Godzilla movie. The impossibly stupide (with the exception of the French guys and the two military officers) human actors are given the front stage, GINO (Godzilla In Name Only) is in barly half the scenes and doen't hold it's own (I'm not going to honor it with a gender) at all. But I think it does look like a Rhedosaur quit a bit, plus the similar plot lines (Returning to it's nesting/breeding grounds and tramping NYC). If they had done this as a remake of TBFTTF, it might have been watchable. But, seeing them try to pass of a plump, light-blue, camera-shy, personality-less, over-grown-bipedal-iguana-komodo-dragon-hybread as the beloved Kaiju, is just WRONG! It's enough to make any G-fan sick!
I'll end this saying that if they do go through with their plan to release a sequal to this abomination in 2004, Godzilla's 50th birthday, then I think we should add that as the 8th deadly sin.
The Screaming Skull (1958)
I am SURE there is some sort of IMDB cult that likes movies that MST3K made fun of. After seeing both this and "Werewolf" and reading dozens of comments about how underated they are, I became convinced that there is some conpiricy going on here. Alot of people are saying that people who hate it "are only scared by gore", "Don't know good horror" or stuff like that. Well, I don't really care for gore, but I do want SOMETHING to happen in a movie! Most of it is just the wife sitting and looking around! Or walking around the house/garden! A movie requires something to give it atmosphoere, you don't get it by just have pointless scenes were someone walks around and stares. Oh, and "Makes you think"? Yeah, I was thinking "MOVE! YOU @#$0&%!!" One of the worst horror movie I have ever scene!
P.s. For the record, I am a big fan of the old style of horror, Dracula, Frankenstein, That kind of stuff.
Independence Day (1996)
"We will not vanish without a fight..."
This is an excerpt from probably my favorite movie speech of all time. it comes when the president is about to lead a masive air force in a make-it-or-break it effort to show which is the stronger species. Independence Day is one of my favorite movies, and I have a TON of trouble finding what people hate so much about it. It shows something almost no movies show nowadays, the better side of human nature, the coming together to take out the larger threat that threatens to destroy them all. It also features some spectacular special effects, funny sequences, good acting, and a "Rah! Rah!" ending that had me cheering for hours. a feel good movie that is exciting as hell and gets you cheered up like nothing else!
A Popcorn movie in the best sense of the word *Possible Spoilers*
Anaconda never tries to be, or even to pretend to be more than what it is, a popcorn-adventure movie with average special effects and cheesy acting. The characters include John Voight as a deliciously evil character who always seems to be trying to out-villain the Anaconda (more on that later) Jennifer Lopez plays the standered action heroine, a gorgeous and tough character who can, in certain cases, take care of herself. Ice Cube plays the standard "tough dude from the city" who doesn't trust Voight a bit. Johnathan Hyde plays a humorus british character who is a bit of a loser, but also is the only one to really taunt the snake (to his sorrow). the rest of the cast don't do much, except get eaten/killed/taken out of the movie somehow. The Main villains, however, are the two Anacondas, a male one and a female one. The Male is, basicaly, a grade A loser who is always trying to do more than he can, and pays for it. The Female, on the other hand, is a tough-as-nails, threatening-as-hell, 40ft. monster bitch of a snake, who is intellegent, powerful, and ready to do anything to kill anyone. she will kill, eat, and then regurgutate a human so that she can do the same to another. She is one of the best Villionouses in the movies, right up there with the Alien Queen from "Aliens" and the Matriarch Velociraptor from "Jurassic Park" Anaconda is a fun movie, nothing else, it's an old fasioned good time without a thought in it's reptillian head. how wonderful!
Clear and Present Danger (1994)
Willem Dafoe steals this movie *SPOILERS*
As the only Clancy book I've read SO FAR is "Rainbow Six" I can't say how well Ryan or anyone else is portrayed in this movie compared to the books, but I will say that both Willem Dafoe as John Clark and Raymond Cruz as Domingoe "Ding" Chavez are just as I pictured them. Willem Dafoe bacically steals any movie for me, and his performance as Clark was cold, blunt and ultra cool, just as it should be ("Ryans dead, now get me back in contact with my team"). and Raymond Cruz, in probably his largest role, is great as Chavez, a tough little souldier, who is Clarks future son-in-law. Other than that, I should probably sy that I like Harrison Ford best as Jake Ryan, although I haven't read a book with him in it yet.
Tomorrow Never Dies (1997)
Brosnan's best so far
Tomorrow never dies is Pierce Brosnon's best Bond movie so far. It has a faster pace then Goldeneye and is smarter and better acted than The World is not Enough. All of Bronan's are good and this is a supirieor example. The opening sequence is as sensational as any I have seen and TND has two of the best Bond villians. Elliot Carver is an insane media baron who wants to start WWIII and then have media rights in China and more to report on. And Mr. Stamper is the best hard man since Jaws. He is so cool, he just grins as bond sticks a knife into his shoulder and he dosen't seem to feel anything. As for Bond girls, Wai Lin is one of the best. She is extremely tough being a martial arts expert and extremely beutifull. Then there are the one liners, with my favorite being "Filthy habit" after punching out a man with a cigaret and "they'll print anything these days" after knocking a man into a printing press.