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38 reviews in total 
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1 out of 2 people found the following review useful:
Worthless, 23 May 2005

A completely worthless remake of the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre. TCM '03 is basically a retelling of the '74 version of TCM. The story is slightly modified, but not in any appreciable way. The cast is utterly forgettable, with the exception of R. Lee Ermey (who turns in a typical adaptation of his "Gunnery Sergeant Hartman" character from "Full Metal Jacket") and Jessica Biel (who looked too hot in a wet T-shirt to forget). Everything that made the original shocking is reproduced here, but it's not so very shocking in light of the original, or in the context of 30 years of slasher films that have been produced in the interim. It fails to be as shocking as other TCM derivative films (like House of 1000 Corpses... another movie to avoid). Unfortunately it made many times over it's original budget in gross profit, meaning the public will be subjected to at least 1 sequel.

If you want to watch a TCM movie, go for the '74 original... or one of the hilariously bad sequels like TCM 4 - "The Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre", featuring Renee Zellweger and Matthew McConaughey.

Bwa-ha-ha!, 11 September 2004

Someone finally made a movie worse than The Final Sacrifice! This movie gives me hope that someday I can find a group of investors to defraud out of several thousand dollars so I can make a Z flick and skim whatever cash I can off the top.

Poorly acted, no continuity, poorly shot, horrible music, incomprehensible script, 3rd rate special effects, weak character development, and far too little soft core lesbian action. I think there may have been a plot twist in the movie... I can't really be sure because there was only a nominal plot to begin with. This movie should have just gone full porn and salvaged something out of this mess. Where is Mystery Science Theater when you need it? 1/10.

Hulk (2003)
0 out of 1 people found the following review useful:
Eh, 29 August 2004

The Hulk suffers from an over-wrought script that takes way to many liberties with the original comic-book backstory of the Hulk. That said, the Hulk is a visual stunner... I love the "comic book" feel of the cinematography and editing. Kudos to Ang Lee on the visual element of the story. Visually this film is right up there with Amelie.

I'm probably biased because I grew up reading Hulk comics, but the script was just too much of a departure for me to really get into this movie.

Overall rating: 4/10 Visual rating: 8/10 Script rating: 2/10

1 out of 3 people found the following review useful:
There is a circle in Hell for the Producers of this film, 26 November 2003

I've seen a lot of terrible movies in my day, this drivel gives them all a run for their money. Thank god I saw this for free.

Cat in the Hat is boorish and insipid. It's based on a children's book, but much of the thinly veiled adult humor is not suitable for children and not funny to adults (those suffering major brain damage due to head trauma not withstanding). Cat in the Hat has NO redeeming qualities and is really what I consider the final nail in the coffin that is Mike Myer's career. Sure he'll make other movies, but anyone who believes he is a decent comedic actor at this point is sadly mistaken. Even sadder, with all the cross promotion and the first week box office takes, it is virtually assured the studio will make money, thus assuring that the world will be subjected to more cinematic versions of Seuss books. Et tu "Green Eggs and Ham"?

Avoid at all costs. 1/10.

1 out of 1 people found the following review useful:
Blah, 14 October 2003

House of 1000 Corpses was pretty sub-standard. Not scary, not really very gory, and the cinematic style was too reminiscent of Natural Born Killers. All in all this movie is a snoozer with an overly convoluted plot that was never really explained. Watching it I got the sense they ran out of time filming and just tried to slap something together for release...

Not recommended. 2/10.

Punishment!, 3 October 2003

*** This review may contain spoilers ***


Everytime the lead actor in this movie yelled "punishment", I couldn't help but feel I was the one being punished. This movie is terrible. Still, no study of the mid 80's horror genre would be complete without a mention of "Silent Night, Deadly Night". SNDN scared the bejeezus out of me when I was 10, now it just scares me to think there was a point in time when somebody though greenlighting this film was a good idea. Maybe they should be the one's punished... 2/10.

C.H.U.D. (1984)
0 out of 1 people found the following review useful:
B-Movie Horror Classic, 3 October 2003

C.H.U.D. is not a good movie by any stretch of the imagination. Still, it is a classic of the campy horror genre. This is a movie to rent around Halloween for a 80's Horror-fest. Elsewise, leave it on the shelf. C.H.U.D. is also a great name drop of inconsequential mid 80's pop trivia... 4/10

0 out of 1 people found the following review useful:
Amusing, 21 March 2003

So Burr "Flock of Seagulls" Steers made a movie...

I found Igby Goes Down to be an entertaining movie. The film is dialogue driven, but Steers doesn't suffer from the linguistic diarrhea that plagues writers like David Mamet. True, in real life nobody talks the way Igby does, but the dialogue is often rather funny in a very cynical way. The acting was much better than I expected (one of the Culkins can act?) The story meanders a bit, but all things considered I enjoyed Igby Goes Down. It's not Citizen Kane, but if you appreciate cynical, sarcastic, black humor you'll likely enjoy this movie. 6/10.

0 out of 3 people found the following review useful:
Funny, but uneven, 21 March 2003

I just saw The Meaning of Life again recently. I originally saw it about 10 years ago. My memory of this movie was really fixated on the "Birth" and "Death" segments of the film, which are by far the funniest parts, and are in my opinion funnier than anything from Holy Grail or Life of Brian. The middle segments however are nowhere near as good. Still, Meaning of Life is worth seeing just for the beginning and end; it's still better than most of the schlock being produced today as "Comedy". Just keep the remote handy to skip through the dull and unfunny middle segments. 5/10

1 out of 4 people found the following review useful:
Quite possibly the worst movie ever made, 10 March 2003

I saw this on video years ago. It appears it was all shot in one day because you can actually see the makeup running on the Martians as the movie progresses. This movie started a tradition with my friends and I of renting terrible movies and trashing them while we viewed them. If only we had thought of airing this on TV we could have been the creators of Mystery Science Theater. Of all the terrible movies we rented though, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians stands out in my mind as the worst of them. Funny if you are looking for a bad movie, otherwise avoid. 1/10.

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