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Awful out of 4.
29 January 2015
Warning: Spoilers
Three young boys, Rocky, Colt and Tum Tum together with their neighbour girl, computer whiz Amanda are visiting Mega Mountain amusement park when it is invaded by an army of ninjas led by evil Medusa, who wants to take over the park and hold the owners for ransom. Kids and retired TV star Dave Dragon, who made his farewell appearance at the park at the time the ninjas appeared, have to break Medusa's vicious plans.

Thank goodness that the 3 Ninjas saga is over and done with. For years after seeing the three other films in the saga, I really hated them and with Hulk Hogan as a guest in this movie, my thoughts... I thought this would be much better and would redeem it after all. But it just turned out like a game of Roulette and everyone loses, the movie turned out to be absolutely worse than the first three. Now that the saga is done, I can rest in peace knowing that I'll never watch any of these films ever again in my life!
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1/10
This movie is just like the first sequel...
16 June 2012
Warning: Spoilers
I have a question, why do movie companies keep releasing more crappy sequels every 1 to 3 years? Well, allow me to answer my own question. Because all they care about is money, so they release loads and loads of sequels just to keep getting their hard-earning cash so they can spend it to make more sequels that turn into complete garbage like this movie.

Madagascar 3, I thought that the movie was terrible. I mean... this is a personal opinion of mine, so don't get me wrong. But why these movies are popular is beyond me. That's right, I'm done with the Madagascar franchise. Every year, it just gets worse and worse. But I mean every single commercial always seems to have the Circus Afro part when it is totally un-necessary to have it in every single commercial.

Overall, I didn't like this movie, but remember, it is a personal opinion of mine. Although people are obviously going to object to this.
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1/10
Oh no, not another sequel!
5 September 2011
Warning: Spoilers
Back when the first Spy Kids came out, I went to see it and I thought it was good and was perfect for a family movie, then Spy Kids 2: Island of Lost Dreams comes out, I see it and I think it's okay, Spy Kids 3, I had never seen in theatres, but I saw it when it came out on DVD, and thought it was a bit lame.

But now, the present... I head to the cinema to see Spy Kids 4, hoping it will be a little better than the third film and half an hour into the movie, I wanted to leave.

Come on, the trilogy ended in 2003, and now eight years later, they release a horrific sequel which could have been better. Even I saw kids begging their parents to leave and a few people were sleeping.

The jokes are very terrible, even I could think up some better ideas, it's like they mixed Home Alone 4 into this movie.

Avoid this movie at all times, go see Transformers 3 if it's still in a theatre near you, or go see Happy Feet 2 which comes out this November. At least those movies are better than this one...
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1/10
It's time to banish these Cats & Dogs to a retirement kennel...
12 August 2010
Warning: Spoilers
Oh boy, when my little sister asked my family to go see Revenge Of kitty Galore, I thought it was a joke, make a sequel to a not-so-good movie. So, I didn't want to provoke my family, so I went in with my family, hoping this to be worth my time as I didn't like the first one and I was disappointed.

The voice acting is just horrible, why did they include Roger Moore in this movie? What were they thinking?!? Did everyone get so busy that they decided to ignore the sequel? My chocolate lab shows better acting than anyone in this film except for Roger Moore, but right now, he's probably on his couch thinking "Why?!? Why did I deserve to star in that madness?!?!?!?!?". Don't watch the last half of the movie, it's a mess from there and you'll be wanting to go into the screen and smack the living crap out of the talking dogs and cats. Hollywood's minds need to be tied up and watch the horrible films over and over until they swear they will never make another horrible film again.

Personally, I prefer Roger Moore to die within the first 5 minutes of this film. A waste of time. Skip this and see Inception or Toy Story 3, which had good skill at Pixar style.
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1/10
The disgraceful film in history!
15 June 2010
Warning: Spoilers
Back in the early 2000's, Spongebob was great. I was a small kid who loved the sponge and every kid I knew couldn't get enough of him. He was a popular character of our years. Then, we knew during early 2003, that there was going to be a movie. Finally, I saw the first poster of the movie in late 2003. Me and my friends got excited, we knew it was going to have a comedic plot with our favourite characters. Or... Maybe not.

I had to wait a year for this film to come out, and we thought "Since they are taking so long to make it, it's going to be great!". I remember actually having dreams about going to see the movie and waking up and being mad that it wasn't real. The wait was killing me. When it finally got released, we got in the theatre and there was all kids, like me. When it started, instead, it was just a big disappointment, like a rock landing in Charlie Brown's Halloween bag.

The plot? Well, Plankton steals Neptune's crown and frames Mr. Krabbs, and Spongebob and Patrick have to go get the crown. The imagination is just unsatisfying. And look at King Neptune, he looks nothing like the one from the original cartoon.

There is lots of corny jokes in the show, but the jokes in the movie is beyond corny. They are dumb, so dumb that your IQ points will drop by 45 points.

And what's the best way to end a terrible movie? With a terrible ending. An ending that sucks so hard, it scarred me for life. Plankton is trying to escape and he gets run over by a crowd of people. Did I see that before? Of course I did, in Turtles 2 where Super Shredder get squished by the dock, same thing. Except Plankton lives. What were they thinking?!? Now to finish the movie, what do they do? The worst joke ever to close the worst movie ever. What a way to end the movie. Will there be a sequel? Forget it, not after that.

Watching this makes me feel embarrassed, watching it actually makes me cringe, I feel like I have to turn the volume down and face the TV toward the wall in hopes that nobody will ever find it again. It just leaves you with a bad, bad feeling. This movie should not exist.
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1/10
I was a huge Turtles, so I had to accept it...
4 May 2010
Warning: Spoilers
I remember being a huge TMNT fan when I was a kid, our favourite pizza-eating, bad guy defeating turtles were my favourite of all time. When I saw the first movie, I was amazed, every kid talked about it all the time. When the 2nd movie came out, kids screamed in the theatre like a miracle, I even participated with them.

Well, most of it was good, but when I heard a third movie was coming out in two years, I got so excited. I even had dreams about when I went to go see the third movie and got mad when I woke up and found out it wasn't real. Finally, that day came and I was excited. I entered the theatre expecting Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3, but instead, it was just a big disappointment.

Let me talk to you about this movie's plot, it has the Turtles go back in time to Ancient Japan where there is two villains who are nothing like the ones in the comics and the cartoon. And the acting is garbage and the Turtles look like ugly. Shredder looks like road-kill. What happened? Is this Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles or Back To The Future?

Now I know you've seen a lot of bad movies. But no, let me tell you. This movie is bad. Like how bad? Like is it the worst of the Turtles trilogy? Oh undeniably. But that's not the point. My point is that this is the worst movie I've ever seen in my life! Now I can tell you the perspective from a 12 year old and a 26 year old that it needs to rot in hell. Now what I mean by that is that I was 12 the first time I saw the movie. In the theatres in 1993 And I was such a big Turtles fan, I just accepted it. I just held the truth inside and you know it's just been tearing away at me all these years. And now, looking back at it, I just gotta come clean and honest man. I just gotta let it all out. This movie is terrible! You know what, I can't take it anymore! Alright, movie sucks, end of story!
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Home Alone 4 (2002 TV Movie)
The worst movie in the HISTORY of all Epic Movies!
17 December 2009
Warning: Spoilers
Home Alone. What can I say? It was the best movie a kid like me could watch and there was two sequels in the 90's, 2 and 3 were sequels. Just awesome. Well, HA3 was okay, but not the best. Then, in the clutches of 2002, Home Alone 4 was made. I was so excited the first time it was coming on TV. It was my favourite thing to finish off the series. Should have been like Bread and Butter, but more like Dead Skunk and Dog poo.

So, I go to the channel and waited at the last commercial before the movie started. It doesn't get bad as soon as the logo is over, it gets bad as soon as the HA4 logo appears. Now let the music set the tone for the entire movie. Now about the movie.

1. The actors have no experience. Kevin's a little brat now who is spoiled and does lame traps.

2. Harry is gone and replaced with Marv's wife who has an awful voice and is demanding. Come on, Harry! Where are you? Harry and Marv are a team like a group of men.

3. The storyline is just plain awful. The parents and everyone are just nuts. It's like they drank caffeine before doing the shoot. The director also looks like he was on drugs when he made the script. What a joke.

4. The traps are non-existent. What happened to the hair on fire joke? Why did they have to kill it!

5. The plot of kidnapping is just plain awful. Why kidnap a young prince for money? It's supposed to be robbing houses or toy stores, not kidnapping!

There's no terrible movie like this! I'm serious, this movie should have never been made. This is almost half as bad as Manos: The Hands Of Fate. Yet, I'm not sure if I uploaded a review on the movie and it's been 12 months and still ranting about how horrible Manos is. But this movie, Home Alone 4, just went too far. Because, I'm never watching this movie ever again, IN MY LIFE!
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I Drink Your Fairly Blood
11 January 2009
Warning: Spoilers
I'm going to have to go ahead and declare a state of emergency this evening. You see, I've been shocked. Not creeped out...or even scared. Just shocked. And it took a twenty-four year old film to do it.

There's only one way to do this. I Drink Your Blood is a frantic film. Total insanity. From the instant producer Jerry Gross's name lights up the screen to the abrupt and baffling ending, the unknowing viewer is bombarded with dirt, gore, and sleaze. It's an over-the-top trash melting-pot; a nightmarish tryst that could easily be defined as a patchy conglomerate of several familiar bad film icons. But that would be too easy. See, I Drink Your Blood is the first film in America to receive an "X" rating based on violence and content (as opposed to explicit sex). Obviously, this film stands alone in a historical context. But does it take the cake and deserve to throb side by side with your most favorite exploitation films? Sorta.

Caffeine editing, bizarre moog blips, and small town claustrophobia. Sounds good, right? For the most part it, is. As I mentioned, I Drink Your Blood is frantic -- the film flies by before you know it, barely letting up on the semi-realistic gore and weirdness (frequent dismemberment, rabies spread like an STD, close-ups of meat and eating) for some 50s sitcom-styled character interaction. The acting is never convincing and always outrageous, particularly the character of "Pete," a little guy that surely covers every bad film acting base you could ever imagine. Unfortunately, the film also features several unsettling depictions of animal violence, switching gears from sleazy fun to downright gross-out. It's not even a matter of whether or not the animals were already deceased: I know I never want to see another half-decapitated goat or mass rat burning ever again. The scenes severely impact the tone of the film, making the whole that much more jolting. So is that a good thing? I guess it depends on who you are.

I'm left shocked and astounded. I Drink Your Blood is a sickie, but it's also a pretty enjoyable night of drive-in grind, the kind you often read about, but don't believe exists. It's too outlandish for me to fall in love with, but I can't deny that the film delivers on its promises. Twenty-four years later, even.

AUDIO AND VIDEO: A direct port of last year's limited edition Grindhouse DVD, this wide release version looks fantastic. The picture quality of the full frame print is achingly nice, directly opposite the grime on display. Colors are bright, detail is perfect, and while slight blemishes do exist (white speckling and lines), they just add to the feel. Probably one of the crispiest pictures I've ever seen on such a low-budget exploitation film. The mono sound was an exact match for the picture: clear-cut and audible.

EXTRAS: Now this is how you do it. Film aside, the extras presented here constitute a trash film smorgasbord! In addition to a choice between the X-rated theatrical cut or the R-rated director's cut of the film (which, strangely, are both identical), there's a boatload of ads, deleted scenes, easter eggs...it just doesn't stop.

Let's start out small. We've got three still galleries: production stills, random cast shots, and an amazing ad art section (focusing strongly on the double feature drive-in pair up with Del Tenney's I Eat Your Skin), which features posters, lobby cards, ads, video boxes, etc. All very nice. Next up, there's a brilliant trailer for the previously mentioned double feature, a two minute scorcher that features the very best in exploitation tag lines. Following that, a minute long radio spot does a similar bang-up job. Moving along, we get bios and filmographies for director David Durston, actress Lynn Lowry, actor Bhaskar, and producer Jerry Gross. Gross's bio is particularly in-depth. Tucked away within each bio are a few film clips -- a 10 minute video of Durston at a Cult Movies convention, a trailer for George Romero's fantastic The Crazies (featuring Lynn Lowry), and an extremely bizarre six minute interpretive dance routine from actor Bhaskar.

And onto the more extensive supplements. Four deleted scenes, all of which are pretty entertaining, focus on a few of the comedic elements that were excised from the film before release. Grandpa's extended acid trip is a highlight. From there, we have a 3 minute outtake roll, directly from the cutting room floor. Botched lines, frequent clapboard appearances, and alternate versions of scenes are featured. Next up is a 30 minute feature titled "The I Drink Your Blood Show." This is a fun segment featuring Durston interviewing four vets in his backyard (actors Lynn Lowry, Jack Damon, and Tyde Kierney, and the guy who designed the film's ads). The interviews are brief, fun, and pointed. Finally, we get an excellent feature length commentary with Durston, Bhaskar, and an unnamed moderator that pops up a few times. The track is jovial and packed, with slight overlap from the other features. Juicy bits include Durston's doctor-supervised LSD session to prepare for the film, the story behind the film's ghost town sets, and setting things straight on the animal scenes.

FINAL THOUGHTS: Regardless of the film, this is a stunning DVD. Fan of I Drink Your Blood? This extras-packed edition is a definite must-own. Casual viewer that would like to finally experience this notorious picture? A solid rental should be your choice.
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Monster A-Go-To-Sleep
8 January 2009
Warning: Spoilers
Note: This review is for the double feature DVD by Something Weird.

A mark of inner balance is knowing when to say "I'm sorry." This admittance may sting. Of course, really gross sex can always help to ease the pain.

For the last few years, I've bared the weight of guilt on my shoulders. When first viewing Monster A-Go-Go, a deadened cosmic fever from parts very unknown, and Psyched By The 4-D Witch, a skillful lesson in how sex isn't always the best policy, my body was racked with fury. How dare you, Monster A-Go-Go, for forcing me into a dead sleep nearly seven times in 68 minutes? And how dare you, Psyched By The 4-D Witch, for causing me to recoil in horror at the sight of a bulbous, curiously-shaped nipple. I was worked up. Spewing insults. My time could've been better spent watching The Weird World Of LSD again. Or so I thought.

It's time to fess up. Three years on and I've watched Monster A-Go-Go, in its entirety, four times. The 4-D Witch has stood in the wings, offering her unappetizing sex as a convenient chaser. After years of nagging and tugging, the three of us have reached an intimate pinnacle, as well as an interesting conclusion. Trash films don't devolve. People do. Since both films were probably sourced at random from an anonymous, perverted Mad Libs collection, this point rings true. De-evolution is waiting.

"You've never seen a picture like this -- thank goodness!" When H.G. Lewis fortified Bill Rebane's (Blood Harvest) unfinished Terror At Halfday with that tagline (and a few extra scenes), his intelligence was proved once again. Monster A-Go-Go was born. Frank went to space. His tiny spaceship crashed. Now, oatmeal-face Frank stomps around the barren landscapes of Wisconsin and downtown Chicago, interrupting sunbathers, turning blood to powder, and causing scientists to ponder our universe. Monster A-Go-Go turns boredom into an artform. Men with big foreheads talk to women with cigarettes. A couple makes it to second base. A car breaks down. These are the things which will put you to sleep. Yet, there's a distinct gratification in this experience. The stretches of silence, grainy midnight investigations, spooky bursts of electric organ, determined narrator, Boggy Creek-lite ending; inebriated charm is always present. You just have to sniff it out.

Zits. A killer wig. Home movie footage of a junior college campus, the beach, and "Chinatown." The phrase "fantasy." Lots of colored lightbulbs. Yes, this is Psyched By The 4-D Witch. Yes, it is very insect. Cindy, who can't seem to reach a proper climax, is repeatedly visited by her "sexual witchcraft" ancestor, Abigail. Abigail helps Cindy seek sexual harmony through sexual fantasies; masturbation, a "homo," a rubber snake, her Aunt Fannie, and a dead body. Towards the end, Cindy rakes leaves as her brother runs around with plastic fangs. The screen appears nearly pitch black during most of this sequence. I don't know who director Victor Luminera is, but one thing's for sure: this guy was ON FIRE. Told entirely through hilariously poor narration, Psyched leans more towards a weekend goof-off than an intentionally bizarre classic. It's basically a crude jumble of overlapped Super 8 footage, spiked endlessly with basement psychedelic effects and a goofy censoring of dirty words. There's quite a bit of nudity and suggestive sex, but you won't want to see any of it. 20 minutes of fascinating clumsiness, 60 minutes of hippy-doubting humanity; a winning combination!

The narrator in Monster A-Go-Go states, "Fate and history never deal in 'IFs'!" How true. From the lower depths of Chicago's Wabash Avenue to the campus of an anonymous California junior college, I owe Misters Rebane, Lewis, and Luminera (whoever he is) a stout apology. They've created two films that are clearly horrible, yet oddly special. I have a feeling they'll accept.

AUDIO AND VIDEO: As long as we're talking' dirty, the carpet matches the drapes. Monster A-Go-Go mixes thick blacks and whites with the slight damage and a muffled mono soundtrack that loves slapback delay. Psyched By The 4-D Witch is a holy mess that only helps its cause. Appearing to be projected onto a wall, then photographed by another camera, it puts the unkempt The Mummy And The Curse Of The Jackal to shame. Both films are surprisingly clear and expectedly, filled with skewed visual charm.

EXTRAS: The disconnection continues. As usual, Something Weird's jovial extras enhance the features and stick to the program. "Bedtime Booga Booga" (5 minutes) is a terrific, anonymous Super 8 short, which you can read all about in Instamatic Monster Attic! The Enchanted World Of Weirdo Super 8 Films on DVD. "Driving Miss Daisy Crazy" (36 minutes) plays out like a junky, software E.C. comic book, in which a Woody Allen clone torments his rich wife with sex games and rubber monster masks. "Psyched By The 2-D Dot" (2 minutes) follows a film-scratched blob as it wreaks havoc on the body of naked woman. Also included are eleven trailers, including spots for Eyes Of Hell aka The Mask and the humorously marketed Monster A-Go-Go, a recycled (I still watched it again) poster gallery with radio spot rarities, and an easter egg TV spot for Bill Rebane's The Giant Spider Invasion.

FINAL THOUGHTS: I've been psyched. Finally. Monster A-Go-Go and Psyched By The 4-D Witch cannot be recommended to anyone under any circumstances. Yet somehow, like many films in Andy Milligan's arsenal, this odd combination leads to curious bliss over time. Lots of time. Do as you must.
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The Exciting Gruesome-Twosome
7 January 2009
Warning: Spoilers
Padding: a dependable tool in the drawer of the b-movie handyman. Did your vampire epic fall a few minutes short of the distributor's required running time? Fill it with drag racing footage that intercuts with your actors making out -- the audience will never know!

With The Gruesome Twosome, Herschell Gordon Lewis combines his trademark gore (appearing quite grisly here, but obviously fake) with intentional comedy and lots and lots of padding. Now, I've seen a lot of padding in my day, all of it pretty awful and boring (Jerry Warren comes to mind). H.G. Lewis takes a different approach -- you won't get any boring dialogue here. No, Herschell pads out his comedy/gore film with talking mannequin heads, grossly gratuitous potato chip eating, and go-go dancing while holding Kentucky Fried Chicken. This guy is a trash genius. I've only seen 11 of Lewis's 40+ films, but the more I see, the quicker he climbs to the top of the heap.

Old Mrs. Pringle owns a wig shop. She lives in a house adjacent to the shop with her mentally retarded son, Rodney. There's a sign in the window of the shop that reads "Room For Rent," and since it's located near a college campus, many cute co-eds stop by to check it out. There's a problem though. When they arrive, the girls find out that no such room exists! Gotcha! The wigs have gotta come from somewhere, right? Scalp 'em up.

Of Lewis' lesser known features, I found Gruesome to be one of the most entertaining. Let me count the ways...a somber surf guitar/cartoon music score, obvious KFC, Coke, and Michelob product placements, over the top high school non-acting, mannequin gore, actresses that blink and move their eyes after they've been covered with the red stuff, and all that glorious padding.

AUDIO AND VIDEO The video quality is very nice. Full frame, crisp, and a colorful print. There's the occasional scratch and jump, but it's no biggie. The audio seems to have been recorded "in the red." The dialogue is all distorted most of the time, but the music sounds clean.

EXTRAS Here we have an excellent commentary from the man himself, Herschell Gordon Lewis, along with Something Weird's Mike Vraney and Jim Maslon. If you're familiar with H. G. Lewis commentary tracks, you know that they can be just as enjoyable as the films themselves. This one is no different, as the three discuss an entire year of film making during '67/'68 (when Herschell produced nine complete films!), the "Blood Shed" theater Lewis opened in Chicago, and everything you ever wanted to know about The Gruesome Twosome. Also included is a brilliant original theatrical trailer, a gallery of H.G. Lewis poster art, and a weird little short on how wigs are made in Europe and sold in the U.S.

FINAL THOUGHTS This film reminded me of The Undertaker And His Pals: intentional comedy/gore from the late 60s that works. If you're into the films of H.G. Lewis, chances are you'll like this one. I did.
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