Reviews written by
big_fat_smelly_bastard

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195 reviews in total 
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The Old Crowd (1979) (TV)
5 out of 13 people found the following review useful:
weird., 10 May 2004
2/10

i remember seeing this when it went out on itv one saturday night to a much bemused and sceptical reception from the critics and public alike. there didn't seem to be a story to it at all from what i could recollect; a load of toffs gather for a party and that was about the size of it. the late jill bennett played this classy middle aged bit of crumpet who has her toe sucked underneath a dinner table by the butler whose also an out of work actor played by frank grimes. later on, she meets him again in another room in the house where an elderly woman is watching a telly whilst they both embrace, fall on to floor and make passionate love. i don't know what alan bennett was on at the time.

6 out of 17 people found the following review useful:
orlando hasn't got the bottle., 6 May 2004

yet another cheesy, badly scripted and over obviously unfunny hyped UK turkey; this tedious 'comedy' about the very unlikely pairing of a world class US boxer against an unknown london milkman is not even worth watching for the duration of the first round. mr. bloom obviously had his heart in the right place by contributing towards it but it's a shame that the whole enterprise comes over as woefully inadequate. about the best attribute is a very funny performance by iranian stand up comic omid djalili as herbie rush, a moronic boxing manager who practically steals the movie which also boasts one of the most contrived climaxes ever which no doubt was put in for budget constraints (they never even meet in the stadium packed ring). as for billie piper; what she ever saw in that red haired warrington geek i'll never know but at least he's got more money than i'll ever have which pretty much explains it!

0 out of 1 people found the following review useful:
quentin tarantino back in stride!, 23 April 2004

after a 6 year hiatus, whiz kid quentin beams back with a highly entertaining homage to martial arts movies with this funny, graphicly violent, well shot and clever pastiche about the trials and tribulations of sweet revenge. having not been personally impressed with tarantino's previous 'jackie brown' (1997) as i didn't rate it as good as the book, i must say that this is true to form and probably his personnal best thus far. billed as 'the bride' and 'black mamba', uma thurman plays this hard done by bird who starts off the movie by kicking the shyte out of this really tasty black chic around her house only to be interrupted by the aforementioned black chic's daughter returning home from school. various scenes then follow captioned on screen as 'chapter...' and so on which in no way confuses the

viewer but adds a great touch of style and is wonderfully alternative. the motif for the lead heroine's retribution is fairly apparrent though is more fully covered in 'kill bill vol. 2' which is also great and also works marvellously on it's own (it was originally intended to be one movie but was released in two parts at the behest of it's producer bob weinstein). great to see david carradine utilised with an admirable lead performance though it's also fascinating to think of warren beatty in the role who was the original choice for the part. lucy liu, darryl hannah and the masterful sonny chiba are all also great!

4 out of 10 people found the following review useful:
worth seeing alone to watch marlon brando putting on weight (via stephanie beachum)., 17 April 2004

micheal "calm down dear, it's just a commercial!" winner's interesting variation on henry james' classic 'turn of the screw' novel is always watchable and sexy. mr. winner always declared that marlon was never difficult or prima donna at all throughout directing him in the role of quint, the mysteriously scheming irish gardener of an aristocrat in victorian england. with expert acting support from stephanie beachum as his accomplice and the supremely sensual thora hird; the whole movie is well filmed and always attains attention as well as erection. the late, much missed film composer jerry fielding also contributes a marvellously haunting score which does exist on a limited edition cd soundtrack entitled 'jerry fielding film music 2'. a welcome dvd release of this much overlooked film is well overdue.

Young Adam (2003)
0 out of 5 people found the following review useful:
well sean connery certainly enjoyed it!, 17 April 2004

i remember when this moodily shot, atmospheric scottish thriller premiered at the edinborough film festival and was well received by patron sir sean whose comments i overheard on an interview the legendary scot thespian gave for bbc radio 4's 'back row' film programme. having then seen an uncut print of it upon general release at me local multiplex, i must say that i was mightily impressed. well directed by david mackenzie from a little known novel by alexandra tocchi; the basic story revolves around a sexually obsessed drifter (ewan macgregor in a deliberately 'about turn' performance towards lucas' obi wan kenobi) and his relationship with a couple he works for on a river barge. en route, our ewan embarks on a number of amorous adventures including a highbrow 'dairy end' encounter with a bird in an alleyway.

"The Tube" (1982)
3 out of 12 people found the following review useful:
apart from the terrible presenters; a superb and much missed alternative channel 4 rock show., 16 April 2004

friday evenings were alot more enlightening on the goggle box way back in the early to mid 80s when this excellant series would go out live and then repeated the following sunday. indeed, jools 'nerd' holland, leslie ash (prior to her cosmetic lips suction surgery), jock cow muriel gray and paula yates were a complete pain to sit through though at least one would always then be enthralled by class live acts of the calibre a'la tina turner, simple minds, dire straits, duran duran and many, many more including an early appearrance from a certain yank named madonna. also featured were some fabulous pop videos along with some magnificent commercial breaks. foget 'TOTTP' this was the real mccoy!

0 out of 2 people found the following review useful:
well i didn't get off on it., 15 April 2004

i thought this was going to be like a 'playboy' type sexploitation thing about all this old birds up north getting their kits off for a good cause (i.e. interested fellas like moi). ah well, guy barker's assistant direction is truly terrible and he'd be better off playing with directing traffic. helen mirren still has a great potential of acting talent whilst julie walters does her usual, whining bit as a sexually repressed twit. nice scenery and mature boobs are the essence of the day. a timeless load of piffle indeed so pass plenty of 'sick bag' accolades. another thing, this was going to be another 'full monty' but didn't get the attention!

1 out of 1 people found the following review useful:
about as entertaining as running up a flight of stairs and then being greeted with a 9 inch nail through the head (pardon the pun)., 25 March 2004

poor old paul kersey! everywhere the poor old sod goes he always seems to attract urban psychopaths, mindless thugs, sadistic spraycan freaks and other charming lowlifes with a bad wardrobe problem though at least it makes good box office. this time round, 'graniteface' (bless him) and fellow accomplice micheal winner reunite for a third and final colloborattion in the series (and forever) in what was a considerably toned down rehash of 'death wish' as oppossed to the graphicly grattuitously violent 'death wish 2'. after losing his daughter and housekeeper, murdering the five assailants responsible (along with a few of their unfortuneate mates who happenned to be around at the time) and moving back to london (suppossed to be new york); our man dutifully and loyally decides to defend a group of pensioners led by martin balsam who are constantly terroised by the aforementioned. as in 'death wish 2', the best thing about this masterpiece is the ace soundtrack by led zeppellin maestro jimmy page!

Open Range (2003)
nice locations, passes muster and a relief to see a western in a cinema but CORNEY., 17 March 2004

dead pan hunk costner directs and plays second fiddle to robert duvall who also plays fiddle atrociously in one scene to a bunch of heavies the pair ridiculously manage to lock up in the sherrif's jail mid way through the film. only in the movies would a pair of smelly, filthy cow hands get to take on the local irish bad guy (micheal gambon) and his well equipped addittional firepower whilst also taking time out to pull the local doc's conveniantly single sister (annette benning). this passably entertaining effort reminded me alot of clint eastwood's similarly creeky, vastly overrated 'unforgiven' which also featured an ageing gunslinger attempting to make 'one last stand' and finish his adversaries.

28 out of 34 people found the following review useful:
off beat, grim, funny, outrageous, watchable, well acted and sexy!, 17 March 2004

made back in 2001 by the now sadly defunct channel 4 films, this gritty low budget brit black comedy about everyday sheffield life is (for all it's flaws) marginally better than UK films of it's ilk. featuring an outstanding performance by marc warren before he went 'hustle' along with probably the most graphic orgy scene i've ever seen in a cinema; i must admit that the movie never bored me! basic story is about this scottish bloke who gets hooked up with a single mum whilst he also gets chummy with a photographer/psychopath he meets via a head on car collision who has a taste for organising bare knuckle fights for 11 year old boys. what ensues throughout is a well observed portrayal of pub strippers, one night shags, jobcentre interviews, and other aspects of admirable northern bohemia ('been there, done that').


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