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Jim Gaffigan: Beyond the Pale (2006 TV Special)
9/10
Right on, Casper!!!
13 July 2007
Man, this guy is hilarious!!! I laughed nearly all the way through this stand up DVD.

I had seen Jim Gaffian on that commercial where he has the beard comb-over and th wayyy to short cut-offs, so I thought, "Hey, this guy might be sick enough to make me laugh". Well, he is.

He also gets as many laughs without the nonstop vulgarities that seem to fill up most comedians acts these days. Don't get me wrong, vulgar = funny, but it's also refreshing when somebody does stuff that doesn't require and f-word translator to get the joke out of the dialogue.

His routine is great and I really recommend checking it out if you're a stand up comedy fan. plus, there's as much material in the special features as in the act itself, so you get double the money's worth.
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Neverwhere (1996– )
1/10
lowest Budget EVER!!!!
13 July 2007
I was excited to see this mini series, because I had seen a couple Gaiman films. I was pretty impressed by the visual mastery in Mirrormask, so I was looking forward to it, as the synopsis was reminiscent of "alternate reality" stories, like "Weaveworld' and many others by Clive Barker. Well, the first few seconds were so excruciatingly bad, I was seriously hoping it was preview for something else.

Alas, no. This was the movie, and I was looking at, what...a million hours in dog years to suffer through it? No thanx. I forced myself to sit through half of the first disk, since I pad good money for it, but that was it. I HAD TO stop. I don't know what happened, other than he was given a Mac'n'Cheese budget and two weeks in which to finish the film.

I couldn't believe how many great reviews there were on this film online. I mean, did I get a different DVD set by mistake? I don't think so, the box sure looks the same.

I hate being so tough on a film for having a low budget, and I do like many low budget, indie films, but this one flat out stank! I couldn't get into the plot, because the sets, costumes, and acting was so awful.

So, if you are a HUGE Giaman fan...or just like low budget indie films, bu it....of course if you want to throw money away so bad, mail it to me.
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6/10
Aw come on!!!!!
13 July 2007
Warning: Spoilers
This movie would have been a '10' - home run, right out of the ballpark... if it weren't for the "grim reality" twist. Personnaly, I have always HATED movies that have anything that ruins the "fun for everyone" aspect that was so hyped up in the commercials ("fun for the whole family" and "Truly magical").

Everything is going great, the whole family is rapt. halfway through, disaster! ****Caution - Spoiler**** I won't tell exactly what happens, but a tragedy happens and the rest of the movie is pretty much ruined. The kids are all crying, the wife is mad at me, and I'm just glad I didn't buy it, but rented it.

When we rent a movie for family movie night, it's to escape the day to day terrible events that populate the news. There's enough tragedy and sadness in real life, we don't want to watch it in a movie, too.

So, even though I hated where the movie went, I still had to give it a 6, because hey, the visual effects were great.

They shouldn't have plugged it as a "great fun for the whole family" movie, when in fact, it's a drama.
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Dracula (1992)
6/10
A second watch
23 April 2007
Now, first time I saw this film, I was on a date with a huge vampire fan, gothy-girl. Holy cow, the lines were long! We waited for like two hour, got to the window and were told, "sorry, all showing tonight are sold out".

She really wanted to see, so we trekked across town to the other googleplex theater, waited another couple hours and got tickets to the midnight showing. By this time, I was thinking, "this better be a great 'censored' movie", but it was witching hour, and we were getting to see the much hyped movie.

Well, it was fairly cheesy with the fade ins and fade outs and artsy fartsy, love story, roses superimposed in the background, lovey dovey ilk. I could have puked! There was some cool special effects, the atmosphere was ruined by the 'trying to hard' cinematography, stealing classic film trickery from old movies like Citizen Kane, and not to mention being like 3 hours long.

I have an attention span of like 1/2 hour, so I have to watch movies like that in shifts.

So, needless to say I was very disappointed, my date fell asleep, so I took her home and went home mad.

But wait.......many years later, I'm at the video store,and the shelves are picked clean like a carcass after the jackals. So, I go to the old movie section. Yes, of course the horror section. Dracula was in the "employee recommendation" section, so I figure, what the heck. Worst case I get to sleep easier.

This time, I liked it. It was still dripping with pretentious cinematography, and wayyy to heavy on the love story, but it wasn't too bad.

So, if you hated it, try it again. You may be surprised. Maybe they have two versions (like the lawnmower man).
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10/10
Awesome!!!
23 April 2007
Okay, now they fixed the very little that was wrong in the first one. First off, more closeups of Kate Beckinsale's most excellent hiney. Cudos, guys! Hell, they even through in a bit of nudity. Extra nice!!!! Then. the villain is as tough as he is marketed to be. No sissy-fighting. RIGHT ON!!! Not to mention the incredibly cool-scary vampire effects. Oh man, this movie was right up there in the running for Best Vampire Movie EVER! Good job, guys. You somehow managed to make a love story bearable for us guys....which is in itself a great idea, that was our women won't nag us to death for wanting to see a movie filled with monsters, gunplay and closeups of Beckinsale butt. Thanks guys! So, now if you haven't seen it, and maybe want to have an at home movie night with some hot, little goth girl (which most of them are - YOU GO GOTH-GIRLS!), here's a great double feature for you.
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Vampire Journals (1997 Video)
7/10
It was pretty good
23 April 2007
Well, I am a big fan of Full Moon Videos..after all, that's where some of the Lovecraft films came from, and I'm a big fan of them. Alright then. This is a somewhat artsy-fartsy vampire movie, kind of continuing the line of the subspecies films. Unlike the Subspecies films, there were no cheesy clay-mation gargoyles, and the budget seemed to be relatively decent. Thank God for Romania, eh? At any rate, the plot was pretty good, the cast not bad. The atmosphere great, and the whole movie flowed pretty well.

This would make a nice addition to any vampire fan's movie collection.

Also, if you like it and want to get more depth into the story, get the rest of the Subspecies movies. They're more cult-classic, like the rest of the Full Moon horror movies, but worth a watch.

Believe me. I've seen thousands of horror movies, and would make the best horror critic in the world, if it paid........and I got to use my usual potty-mouth to get my point across.
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Underworld (2003)
9/10
Spoiler alert!!
23 April 2007
Warning: Spoilers
I love horror movies and grew up on the old classics. And when there are more than one kind of monster in them, all the better! needless to say, this film was right up my alley. And Kate Beckinsale? Oh my God. Mean, tough, slinging guns around AND wearing skin tight black clothes? Doesn't get any better, I say. The special effects were very well done, the characters all superb actors and actresses. The story great, the atmosphere excellent! So, why didn't I give it a 10? Soiler Because of the "super-godlike-ultra-megga-hybrid" they build up and build up through the movie. Then, when he's supposed to come up and slaughter the enemy/win the day, he fights like a sissy, and pretty much gets his butt kicked. He ends up only winning pretty much by accident. That's pretty lame. I know the film makers want to build excitement, but when you keep making this thing out to be the next biggest thing to God himself, MAKE HIM THAT WAY. Much like in Blade (the sissy blood God), and Lord of the Rings (the troll guy who you think is going to lay everything to waste and his first fight with the beardy guy is over in two seconds. Okay a human kills the most evil, tough thing to roam hell?) Sigh...maybe its just me, but that's a plot hole that could have easily been filled by the hero-godlike-monster at least fighting his way through a few foes, totally kicking-butt so at least he's a little tired for an excuse for fighting like a sissy.

But that's just me.

It still was a killer movie and more than worth the watch.
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Disturbia (2007)
5/10
Hellohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, ripoff!
23 April 2007
Have not seen the movie yet, so I'm sorry if I'm not using the forum correctly, but come on!! Can anyone say "ripoff"? get some originality, folks. A few similarities? I don't think so. More like plagiarism.

I hope I'm not the only one seeing this. It's one thing to give props to a master, and another to steal from him.

Funny thing was the marketing I saw for the trailer, "best new, original scary movie". Man, that's rich. Why don't they just remake Gone With the Wind, call it Civil-War-Otopia, and market it as the best new original epic?

Or, remake any biblical movie, like The Ten Commandments and rename it "Religium".

okay, so I'm grouchy today, so what?
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Masters of Horror (2005–2007)
7/10
Dreams in the Witch House
3 April 2007
Okay, so I'm a Lovecraft freak, so what? There's lots of us out there....lurking. Okay, I'll add the Clive Barker episode, too (Haekler's Tale). Well, I personally thought that one was really Lovecraftian, too. Okay, first, Dreams in the Witch House. Not too bad. Pretty typical Stuart Gordon (particularly with changing most of the story). The main character, Ezra Godden seems to be able to hold his own in the acting arena, so I imagine die-hard Combs fans won't die outright. It worked. Since that was such a short story, it all fit into the alloted episode time, without leaving out too much. Overall, it was a pretty good adaption, so all you Lovecraft fans won't be disappointed.

Now, Onto Haekler's Tale. The HPL influence is really strong in some modern writer's material. This is no exception to the rule. The setting was done really well, and the mood, nice and evil.

It's to bad this series was canceled. It was very good for a horror series and there was plenty of good episodes.

It's too bad so many people prefer "Loser TV" (aka reality shows). Get a life, losers! TV is to entertain people, not point and laugh at the misfortune of others. I don't know about the rest of you out there, but I for one and very sick of seeing the EXACT SAME THING with different names clogging up channel after channel.

And, yes, this is relevant. Good shows get canceled, because everyone seems to want 5 different versions of American Idol.
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Silent Hill (2006)
10/10
eEeEviL
3 April 2007
The Silent Hill VG series is the undisputed dark, creepy kings of horror/survival games. I went to see the movie with an open mind (haveing been severely disappointed with the screen play versions of good games....yes, I'm talking about YOU House of the Dead, and Alone in the Dark). So, being a big fan, I was hopeful, but skeptical. Well, it didn't take long before all skepticism was banished. It was so dark and creepy, I didn't leave, because I didn't want to miss any.

Although it was more of the story from Silent Hill II, and shovelhead wasn't in it enough, I still think the movie rocked!

I think Milla Jolvovich would have been way better in the lead role, but what's her name did pretty good, too.

I personnaly can't wait for a sequel
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Mirrormask (2005)
10/10
In the words of Keanu Reeves, "Whoa"
27 March 2007
Okay, I saw a VERY brief preview of this movie on the "alright, enough freaking previews already, let's get to the f$%king movie!!!!" section of a DVD I rented. It looked very bizarre and full of cool special effects.

About a month later, it was in the discount bin of the "previously viewed movies for sale" at the local video store, so I though, What the hell' and bought it.

The first five minutes almost got it put in the used books and movie trade in bag, but I was feeling too lazy to get up and eject it...besides, I remembered the cool visual effects on the preview. After slogging through a bit of artsy-fartsy, Circue Du Soleil garbage, and almost making me got off the couch to once again, eject it, it took off.

I'm glad I was so lazy that night.

Totally not my kind of movie, but wow! It was nonstop eye-candy that had me put down my bag of cheetos to watch. This movie might have made me change what is "my kind of movie". Pretty cool. The kind of stuff you visualize when reading, actually done fairly well with CGI. not like the ultra low quality made for Sci Fi movie special effects. This was almost mind warping.

I just found out, there's a three hour Neil Gaiman series on DVD, which I want to check out next.

This movie, once you get past the artsy-fartsy first 15 minutes and realize it's not an R-Rated movie, but more of a family one, turns out to be quite good. If this guy made some cool sci fi/horror films, he'd be a top-dog!
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The Maze (1953)
6/10
Think of the time it was out
12 January 2007
I grew up in the days when "good special effects" included rocket ships, obviously made out of paper towel tubes with a road flare jammed in them, and paper mache planets. This film was out around then, so forgive the less than incredible props, and watch it for atmosphere.

I saw the title of this film on the "Lovecraftian movie list", so, of course, I had to check it out. It was a bit like a Lovecarft tale (I forget which), but all in all it was worth a watch.

I know I'm harsh on some movie in my other reviews, but I'll cut this one slack due to its age. Hey, all of you older than 20 remember the older horror movies, where there was NO gore, no CGI, no animatronics. Horror was a mood the movie set and the only violence was either only hinted or you saw the shadow of it happening on the wall.

I didn't get to see the 3D version of this film, and had to settle for a "soft" VHS copy (grainy, over-white and somewhat hard to watch).

Still, it gets 1.5 tentacles up on the elder god-o-meter
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Witch Hunt (1994 TV Movie)
8/10
Lovecraft has spoken!
12 January 2007
This one didn't rate as high as the first one (Cast a Deadly Spell), but it was still a great film. Dennis Hopper is always a great actor and does the lead role, very well in this movie.

A comedy version of the Lovecraftian mythos, this film really delivers what fans of this genre and fans of HPL are looking for.

The guys who have made (cough cough)screen plays of HPL's works should take lessons from this film and the first one (HIRE REAL ACTORS DUMMIES!) If you like horror/comedy, are a HPL fan. or just want to rent something, but all the new releases you wanted to see are already out, get this film and the first one.

It gets 5 tentacles and two pincers up WITH a bit of insane piping on the elder god-o-meter
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Cast a Deadly Spell (1991 TV Movie)
Cthulhu rises again!!
12 January 2007
This movie was excellent! The combination of old gangster, comedy, and horror was a great idea. The acting was excellent (Fred Ward rocks, as usual), and for an 80s film, it was really good (I'm not a big fan of the mall hair, brat pack, and Modonna crap that was hashed out in the big 80s).

This film, quite the opposite was very entertaining and an absolute MUST HAVE for HPL fans.

The entire movie was Lovecraft inspired and not a murder of his writings, like most of them are.

Most definitely, check it out. You won't regret it. it's a great tongue-in-cheeck, campy horror schlock that is actually well done.

If you like it, there's a sequel called "With Hunt" with Dennis Hopper as the lead. Not as good, but still entertaining.

This film rates 7 tentacles and a star shaped protrusion all the way up, on the elder god-o-meter
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4/10
Different strokes for different folks
2 January 2007
Well, I guess I'll be the devil's advocate on this one. Although I'm a "when I'm in the mood for it" fan of 70s horror films, most of the time the Flower Child-style hippy-horror makes me want to change the channel or drink beer until it's even more funny.

I tried to watch this film several times, because I'm a fan of HPL's writings, so I have collected everything there is on film (and most of it sucks). This one definitely doesn't suck, but the 70's flower-power influences and dry "low action" over-dialogued scenes(as seen in the liked of the Omen). Okay, I'm shallow and I want to see monsters, special effects, and yes, even boobs. Movies that are all "hinted at" scary stuff, lack the intensity to keep my ultra short attention span focused. So, I fell asleep every time I tried to watch it.

If you want to see a better Gig young movie, find a copy of "Spectre", which is another 70s made for TV quasi-Lovecraftian show, that was good. Almost like a forerunner of the Xfiles.
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Spectre (1977 TV Movie)
8/10
Sweeeeet!!!
2 January 2007
I saw this on TV when I was a kid and thought it was very cool. Recently, I tracked down a copy online (very hard to find), and watched it. Guess what? I still liked it. Although it's a 70s show, it still maintained a good story line, and great acting to keep it alive. It had everything....monsters, demons, boobs, booze, twisting plots, and women in S&M outfits. I ask you, does it get better? Well...I guess it could, but this film was wayyyy ahead of it's time, and reminded me of a Lovecraftian forerunner to the Xfiles.

I can't wait until this gets put onto DVD, so I can add it to my collection.

Great job Gene Roddenberry! You should remake it, bringing it up to date. I believe it was intended to be a series, but never made it past the pilot episode. Too bad.
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6/10
Creepy? Yes.
28 December 2006
Another submission into the Lovecraftian film genre. So, being an HPL fan, I rushed to ebay and found a copy.

This film, though low budget maintained a dark, sinister, atmosphere and does, indeed belong on the Lovecraftian list. Not only Lovecraft fans will like it, but so will possession movie fan, and it hold up with the likes of Rosemary's Baby, Beyond the Door, and the Manitou as a classic diabolic thriller. It reminded me of Fulchi films, but without the nonstop gore (and was still good anyway, ha ha ha). Hey, what more can you ask for? get two fixes with one flick!

If you're a fan, check it out.
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The Curse (1987)
2/10
Who the Hell is Will Wheaton?
28 December 2006
And more importantly, who the hell cares?!?!? When a film boasts in HUGE letters on the cover that it stars somebody you've never heard of, be skeptical.

So, why do all these ultra low budget film makers have to torture poor H.P. Lovecraft stories? I mean, is there any excuse for it? I put forward that , no, there is not.

This little diamond of poop managed to rope Sheriff Lobo and Luke Duke in to it's crap-trap. And wow! They got Will Wheaton (so?!?).

Okay, it was based on the Colour out of Space (sort of), so, being an HPL fan, I had to get it. Well, I got it....I even went in skeptical, and knowing it was a lame 'un, but still was disappointed.
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1/10
I'd rather scratch 'n' sniff a turd
28 December 2006
Well, to be honest, it ended cool and very Lovecraftian, but dear god, what was the deal with that camera work?!?!?! If you ever eat some bad meat and need to "get rid of it" just watch this movie and use it for video ipecac. Some guy thought he was being really neat-o with the jiggly-wiggly tricks, but just managed making the movie so hard to follow that, if I wouldn't have been to hung over to get and and put in a good movie...well...I would have done just that.

That was some of the worst acting I've ever seen, and the only thing (to quote the cover) "truly disturbing" was the wig the main actor wore.
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1/10
Gork?!?
28 December 2006
Excuse me, but I had to puke just remembering this film (if you can call it that).

Okay, who lets these people buy cameras and sneak their crap into the movie system? I started checking who makes the movies before I rent them, but this one slipped through,and believe me, the company is added to my "don't rent" list...right up there with Fangoria.

Don't get me wrong, I allow a lot of gray area for lower budget movies, because I am a die hard Horror fan, but I still believe if you spend money, you should at least be entertained, even if it is poorly.

This, on the other hand was one of those movies that don't do anything. I think at one point, I forgot to take it off of pause when I came back from wandering around outside out of boredom and it was in screen saver mode. It took me a few minutes of thinking the action was getting better to realize that it was the name of the DVD player floating around the screen, and I put it into "play" mode, missing the screen saver already.

Hands down, this is a movie that shouldn't have ended up in the rental place. If folks want these, get them from Rhino, don't torture us normal people by sneaking them into the actual movies by making a cool cover, distracting us with boobs and neat monster art, fooling us int renting them.
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Equinox (1970)
7/10
Freaking Hilarious!!!
28 December 2006
Well, I wanted to hate this movie. Truly I did, but it was so god-awful bad that I ended up loving it.

Wow! I know ALL H.P. Lovecraft and Lovecraftian movies have two main requirements; 1. Must be made on a five dollar budget 2. Must have the worst actors available in the world

But, this dandy took the cake and ran away with it. Oh boy, what a stinkfest. but, like I said, it was so bad, it was good.

You gotta see this one, but heed this warning. It was so bad, it made my face look like the ones everybody got after watching the "evil video" in The Ring. but, my face was so scary, that the evil that came to off me, ran away screaming.

THAT'S how bad this movie is.
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