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As seen on UniMas, this film was exploitive, sophomoric, & overall offensive.
I watched this, meaning I yielded to the many promos on the Spanish-language network UniMás. But I think the commercials had shown all of the good parts, because what I was watching was an unpleasant experience. Now, as a "Mystery Science Theater 3000" fan, I rate "Dukes of Hazzard: The Beginning" a star higher than most films that were on that show (or on "RiffTrax") because there was some professionalism in the making of the film (despite the fact it's a straight-to-DVD movie). As a kid, I grew up w/ the original TV series on my television although chances are my parents were watching, so I wasn't really a fan. & I had no interest in watching the cinematic remake starring Johnny Knoxville, Sean William Scott, & Jessica Simpson. But this prequel just was too juvenile for my taste. None of the lead actors were recognizable, not even April Scott as Daisy Duke. How ruined was her film career after that? Not even appearances in commercials? I did notice the guy from "Rocketman," the villain from "Happy Gilmore," & Willie Nelson. I assume getting high (or drunk) was no offense during filming; I had to wonder who WASN'T under the influence among the cast & crew. I would guess the actresses; beer or pot might contain a few calories or gluten that would damage their nubile figures & get cut from the movie, even the elderly-by-this-film's-standards Sherilyn Finn. Also, this movie does fit the standards of watching it on TV in Spanish; whatever resembled a plot was a mere excuse for car chases. So in conclusion, "Dukes of Hazzard: The Beginning" is trashy for an un-devoted fan like me. For the true Duke fans, this is a real abomination & must be avoided entirely.
Alligator X (2011)
As seen on UniMás, this film follows typically bad sci-fi/action factors
Currently I'm watching "Mystery Science Theater 3000" on DVD to inform u that I can tolerate my fare Cher of crappy cinema. "Xtinction: Predator X" apparently is so bad there wasn't even any actor from a moderately rated TV show for me to recognize. The dialogue was so horrendous that I actually recognized words in Spanish after studying it for almost 5 years. Oh yes, I saw it on UniMás. "Xtinction" displayed typical tropes in bad movies I've seen on that channel such as the mad scientist w/ a sociopathic M.O., two damsels in distress getting pushed around by the arch-villain & his goons & many cleavage & brassiere shots to complement the misogyny. The sheriff is the hero perhaps based on the fact he's better looking then the hideous hick enemies. & oh yeah, the monster. If a monster movie is cheaply made, expect scarce shots of the ferocious alligator (which could be a mosasaurus, that I remember as a boy fascinated w/ dinosaurs), shots of the beast separate from the people; acting scared at off-screen monsters has gone on since bad black-and-white films, & minimal make-up, hence minimal gore & the crocodile w/ flippers swallowing it's victims whole. Of course one notable scene is when the (yep, I checked the box) beast explodes & a crewman hurls the red stuff from a bucket at an actress, followed by a deus ex machina. Is that 10 lines? Well, I'm glad to get it off my chest. 2 any fans of MST3K & RiffTrax, please view "Xtinction: Predator X" & record some good riffs in audio!
The Starfighters (1964)
(As seen on MST3K), 4 words: refueling, detasseling, poopie suit
I've reviewed a lot of bad movies I've watched w/ Spanish dubbing & occasionally mentioned I'm a MSTie. Well, this is my 1st review of a film that was on "Mystery Science Theater 3000," entitled "The Starfighters," currently #23 on the Bottom 100. & I'm listening to the audio on YouTube for inspiration. I've checked the spoiler box because even though nothing happens in the movie which I'll discuss in the next lines, know that when a pilot experiences a malfunction, it's just his landin' gear. & when there's a threatening storm, well, the unseen storm stops threatening & one pilot ejects (also unseen) & aw8s a rescue helicopter in the dessert. Thus my point about what's so damn boring about "The Starfighters": @$#&% does not happen. At 1st glance, a movie about jet fighters looks enticing. But don't expect anything like "Top Gun," although in lieu of fit, shirtless men playing volleyball, u have hideous pilots in the pool testing out the impermeable poopie suits (sic). When watching the Starfighters in air, don't expect extra-terrestrial attacks, rouge foreign nations in conflict, insider threats or double agents, unprejudiced tempestuous weather (as mentioned), or life-threatening plane malfunctions. It's just the damn planes refueling in two long scenes, testing bombs & missiles, & dropping a shiny piece of junk from kilometers high. Even the explosion scenes were remarkably uninteresting! Thank you Will Zens, for even failing at that! Incidentally I was lucky enough to see another movie that showed refueling & in that one, something went INTERESTINGLY wrong. & what passes 4 story lines are a pilot's dad who wants him to switch from fighters to bombers (I had to watch this movie many times once I've gone past its ennui to finally learn it.) Also one adequately looking pilot falls in love w/ an adequately-looking woman. & 1 pilot is a phone prankster. It's sorta interesting personally that Bob Dornan is in here & I had a tiny involvement in ousting him from political office. I just turned 18 as I would move in to the dorms of Chapman University in Orange Co., CA, the 1st of 4 colleges I'd attend (I graduated from one of 'em.) Thanks to my hi school history teacher listening to Rush Limbaugh, I took interest in talk radio & politics although I understood squat about conservatives & liberals. Nevertheless I was geeked up about voting in my 1st election. I registered as a Democrat, & I voted against Dornan in a hotly contested campaign for his seat 'cause I heard slightly bad things about him. Anyway, that's my anecdote about voting against Bob Dornan. As I was saying, "The Starfighters" deserves it's place in the Bottom 100 because it demonstrates you can show some really cool jet fighters & do absolutely nothing w/ 'em. It is pretty much a feature-length infomercial for the US Air Force which is way less effective than actual ads about the USAF w/ slogans from "Aim high" to "Into the blue" (or something). Oh yeah, regarding MST3K, "The Starfighters" episode is one of my favourites, but I noticed that even they found this film hard to riff due to its monotony, even resetting refueling riffs while watching the next one (although I enjoyed Crow's junkie joke so the humor wasn't fully exhausted). By the way, what's awful about "Iron Eagle" that makes this film better? To sum up each dull parts of this film, "that was a gr8 seen."
Magma: Volcanic Disaster (2006)
As seen on UniMás, "Magma" is a typical disaster flick w/ excessive CGI.
I'm beginning to curse UniMás (formerly TeleFutura) as well as SyFy for such awful films like "Magma: Volcanic Disaster." But UniMás could be doing me a favor in dissuading me from cable, since Syfy also shows reality programming alongside bad TV movies. This movie uses CGI perhaps to emphasize it's a 90s/00s film as opposed to black-and- white or 70s/80s disaster films better enjoyed on "Mystery Science Theater 3000." (As a MSTie I couldn't help but think of "Lost Continent" of which shaking the camera was essential to the cinematography.) But I must also point out the computer graphics were rather excessive. How humorous when the magna's victims died just by covering 'em! Not only that, but the submarines & even some infernos were computer- generated. Talk about lazy or low-budget filmmaking when you can't show real pyrotechnics or marine footage or perhaps a bigger make-up department to portray burn victims. Of course, "Magma" follows the template of disaster cinema: natural disasters get outta control. Experts exclaim the sky is falling. The government scoffs. But once we see more CGI carnage, they suggest nuclear warfare. It works. The end. The only recognizable name was Amy Jo Johnson (Mighty Morphin Power Rangers). She looks like Jennifer Garner or Hilary Swank, so she'll come in handy after the last two laugh & hang up upon being approached to do "Magma." (Incidentally did Garner do the same when she did "Arthur"?) & of course there was the subplot of the lead scientist hoping to reconcile w/ his park ranger wife. In the times I had to watch those parts when I wasn't playing the Wii U or tweeting, I was hoping Xander would schtup the Pink Power Ranger. Yeah, I learned Johnson's character was into some other dude but she sure shared a lotta screen time w/ the lead scientist. In conclusion, "Magma: Volcanic Disaster" was good background entertainment, something to have on the TV while doing other stuff.
Acapulco H.E.A.T. (1993)
It was a nice syndicated drama w/ gorgeous setting & cast.
I remember watching this in syndication; I think it was on my ABC affiliate in Bakersfield on late night weekends. I remember lead actress Catherine Oxenberg played the title role in a Princess Di TV movie biography. & Alison Armitage was incredibly hot & I'd anticipate a scene she'd wear a bikini. Shockingly her photo doesn't turn up here at IMDb.com. Don't y'all remember her appearance on "Seinfeld" as Dr. Watley's dental hygienist? Anyway, "Acapulco H.E.A.T." was a nice action drama w/ a setting & cast as exotic as that of "CSI: Miami." But as long as it was hidden away in "Saturday Night Live"'s time slot, I should take pride in being one of the show's few & (slightly) faithful viewers.
As seen on UniMas, this film's loud & charmless, if not quiet & sedative.
I should note that "Dragon Wars: D-Wars" showed some very pricey CGI, which were somewhat better than other sci-fi films on UniMás (previously TeleFutura). But the good graphics will be my only positive remark about this South Korean import (that I saw in Spanish - quite the international experience). I assumed this movie was based on a comic book, but either way, this film might've been overlooked in the multiplexes chock-full of movies adapted from every comic book except "Archie." (I'm sure there'll be one; the TV movie from over a decade ago where Archie & friends grow up ain't worth braggin' about.) But back to the dragon movie. Again the graphics were good & those monsters would've made some pretty cool toys. But the story of a journalist accompanying a poor, tortured young lady on a wild adventure 'cause she's the reason for those dragons terrorizing Los Angeles seems silly & necessary only to display those kickass dragons. Surprisingly, there are some familiar faces who aren't lead actors: Craig Robinson, Retta, & Billy Gardell. They now appear respectively in "The Office," "Parks & Recreation," & "Mike & Molly." In conclusion, "Dragon Wars: D-Wars" is best watched on TV w/ the volume turned up when the cool scenes are on. But anytime you see scenes with dialogue such as the suits trying to deal w/ this dragon disaster, adjourn to the kitchen or bathroom, but leave the television on when the monsters return.
Komodo vs. Cobra (2005)
As seen on UniMas, "KvC" is a typically disposable monster movie.
UniMas, which was previously TeleFutura, often shows silly movies which are high on action/adventure but low on...um...Oscar-winning cinematography. If it ain't a Steven Seagal or Jean-Claude Van Damme film, it's a TV movie from Syfy. As a fan of "Mystery Science Theater 3000," I was riffing on "Komodo vs. Cobra" like Mike, Crow & Servo. But since that show was on Syfy, maybe that's why this movie tried to take itself seriously, coming off like it was a Vietnam War film, not something exploitive like "Sharktopus." 1st of all, lemme describe the plot. 2 bigass monsters blah blah blah government/military experiment & conspiracy blah blah blah determined band of good-looking, 2-D survivors blah blah systematic yet not-too-gross deaths by monster blah blah blah final monster letdown - ahem - showdown...the end. Funny that I mention "survivors" as Jerri from "Survivor" is in the cast; that's the only recognizable thespian in this movie (except for that guy from "Eddie & the Cruisers"). Oh yes, there's another actress named Renee Talbert, who I thought was Summer Glau but only looks like her. (Good thing Glau avoided this crud.) Also, I'd describe "Komodo vs. Cobra" as a movie that would've been cooler as an exploitation monster movie but is instead a wimpy family-friendly film. Yes, you see beautiful actresses in paradise. But they don't do a gratuitous scene bathing or frolicking in a lagoon. The only girly thing they do is scream near the monsters & act frightened while the men shoot infinite bullets @ 'em, including tough "survivor" Jerri & Michelle Borth, who actually was packing heat a little earlier in the movie. It was like watching "MST3K: King Dinosaur," which also had bad special effects, uninteresting characters, & some sexist undertones. There was lazy violence & nonexistent gore. The victims were eaten in one swift gulp & swallowed w/o chewing like in cartoons. & I think KvC relied almost entirely on CGI; not a prosthetic dismembered limb in sight. & only one guy had full make- up. But of course, major props to the two men in uniform who did not go to Kauai (I assume it was shot there) but stayed in Hollywood moving about in the same building talking their mouths off about military nonsense & how the conspiracy's playing out. Oh. Have I mentioned the stock footage of non-American planes? At least the number of stock footage was minimal compared to earlier movies I saw on MST3K (e.g. "Invasion USA"). To summarize, "Komodo vs. Cobra" is a cookie-cutter B-movie - TV-movie, pardon me - that's better watched in Spanish so I don't need to learn the abhorrent storyline. And a favor for all you MSTies out there: please watch this crappy film a few times & compose a few pages of riffs and broadcast it on YouTube or RiffTrax. Don't let the Mads win!
Nuclear Hurricane (2007)
As seen on Telefutura's "Cine De Las Estrellas" (which ain't a good thing)
I discovered this movie on Telefutura, which is one of the few channels I can watch movies when I'm too broke for cable. Needles to say, I masochistically choose to watch their cinema like the Mads sadistically choose their cinema for Joel or Mike on "Mystery Science Theater 3000." It's a good thing there are commercials and it's in Spanish so I don't have to learn & understand the (lack of a) plot. "Nuclear Hurricane" stars Jamie Luner, the beautiful red-haired C-list actress you may remember from "Just the Ten of Us," "Melrose Place," & "Profiler." I only saw the last hour of the film, but I think it was just enough for me to give this the negative rating it deserves. I presumably missed the "good parts," which may involve the hurricane & tumbling CGI boulders. What I did see was Luner & that guy from "All My Children" trying to prevent a nuclear meltdown or something. & like in many movies or TV shows, they had to traverse air ducts large enough to accommodate one person. This gimmick always exploits the physique of the thespians as Luner displays some cleavage but unfortunately no butt shots. It's as if this awful film still has to be taken seriously somehow. & also there is some creepy villainous robot like Hal 9000 (here it's called "Staci.") From what I saw, Luner fell unconscious either from the heat in the vents or lack of air & that soap opera guy had to save her & a welder's involved. Add to that two people in another scene assisting in delivering a woman's baby in said hurricane to complete that long, boring hour. I'd be really masochistic if I weren't playing the Wii on another TV. Incidentally I saw this on the Third of July; on the 4th of July & on many other holidays, Telefutura airs a marathon of movies. I assume "Nuclear Hurricane" was really too crappy to be put in that lineup for those who live in states where you can't buy fireworks & literally can't stand the heat. "Nuclear Hurricane" is like "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter": when it comes to unusual film names, WYSIWYG. &WYG is a horrible movie. Thank you, Telefutura for motivating me to write a review which I haven't done in awhile. I'm being sarcastic, of course, but it's good to get it outta my system. Happy 4th of July, yall!
Jie tou sha shou (1996)
As discovered on the THIS channel!
Just how does the THIS channel find such cinematic crap? I'm wondering if the films in Universal Studios that got destroyed in the fire were any better, & if not, it could be a blessing. But back to "Iron Monkey II." Normally I see substandard kung fu or marital arts films on Spanish-language stations like Telefutura or Telemundo. Somehow I discovered "Iron Monkey 2" on THIS, & unfortunately had to hear the ridiculous English dubbing. The action scenes were decent in comparison to better or worse martial arts movies. Certainly the foley artist has quick ears & quick hands on the buttons. & not a single actor could be recognized, not even the white actors. But this lackluster film was meant to be stumbled upon while channel-surfing, not to be rented or downloaded and seen on a big screen or computer.
Green Flash (2008)
As discovered on the THIS channel!
I'm obliged to write this because there are few reviews for "Beach Kings," as displayed on THIS, a channel my TV picked up on the rabbi-ears. It stars David Charvet (I think that's his name), one of the unknown male actors from "Baywatch" not named Mr. Hasselhoff. Also starring Steve Urkel & Kristen Callavari, who unlike the last two, is a future celebrity when this movie was made (unless "The Hills" was on during that time & she agreed to appear on "Beach Kings" to expand her filmography.) The film features your run-of-the-mill story of a washed-up athlete, done with basketball but becomes a rising beach volleyball star. He meets cute w/ some girl (although it ain't Callavari) & she along w/ some BFFs (including Urkel) guide Charvet through the trials & tribulations of comeback athletes. If my spoiler is the Baywatch lifeguard's volleyball team wins the big match as written in any sports movies, my apologies. (& I checked the box just to be safe.) "Green Flash" is such a depressing example of watching watched-up actors do their thing while the movie's sponsors are Life-Alert, vocational schools, Colonial Penn, & something about vaginal mesh. Not exactly cars, junk food, & better movies, huh?