Reviews written by registered user
|111 reviews in total|
Fifty years after the zombie apocalypse, humans exist either in zombie run slave camps or in small bands of militarized, nomadic tribes. Two brothers, Brian & David, rescue a group of attractive women slaves from the zombies but the zombies retaliate and David is captured. As David plans his escape he learns some disturbing secrets behind the zombie camps. Yes, the acting and directing are bad; and yes, the makeup is inconsistent. But I've seen a lot of bad zombie movies and this is far from the worst. Many of the actors are charismatic and are obviously having fun in their roles. The plot has some holes and there are a few silly parts but it does make sense if you pay attention. If you have any tolerance or love for B movies, especially B - Z movies then you could do a lot worse.
I'm not a fan of ghost movies but 100 Feet had some nail biting moments of suspense and is the best ghost movie I've seen in a long time, much better than the Japanese ghost films which tend to rely on creepy children and boo scares. The ghost is scary looking and if that appeared on my ceiling I would claw through the floor to get away. The ghost isn't just an ugly face but viciously attacks anyone that rubs him the wrong way, which is usually his ex-wife being that she was the one who killed him in the first place. Famke Janssen emotes poorly but carries the movie well and generally sells the story. The writing is good with some head scratchers and one really big whopper of a plot hole that plays into the ending and will leave you shaking your head. If ghosts are your thing, worth a look.
Bikini Girls on Ice tries to be a throwback to 80's slashers but lacks atmosphere, nudity, gore or a credible killer. I can live with the girls being terrible actors, clearly they were hired for their ability to wear a bikini but their characters were unlikable and dumb. Likewise, all the male characters except one are unlikable and dumb. The story, thin as it is, doesn't make any sense. The killer, played by William Jarand, kept making weird grunting sounds and was just not menacing. Maybe if this were edited down to 60 minutes it would be watchable, maybe slightly enjoyable, but there is just too much fluff. Slashers were a genre of their time, difficult to replicate these days.
How difficult can it really be to make a horror movie? "Ah, but that is why so many bad horror movies are made", you say, "because everyone thinks it will be easy." Well plot-wise, it has to be easy. Where most horror fails is not in the plot, the make-up, or even the casting because you can get away with inexperienced actors if you give them something to do. You cannot scare or horrify people with mountains of dialog. Don't tell me the history of the evil, show me. Don't explain the nature of the evil in tedious detail, show me. Or better yet, don't explain anything and just keep horrible things happening. Don't give inexperienced actors pages and pages of dialog, just keep them moving, running, screaming, chopping, crying, dying; anything except talking. JBMS spends far too much of the movie developing a complicated back story about rage and shame that has squat to do with the ending. Oh but the ending was good, if only it had started earlier in the movie.
It's pretty bad. At first I just didn't like it but after more episodes I realized it is objectively bad. Almost all the characters are unlikable. The scenes are mostly static, framing almost non-existent, storyline jumbled and out of sequence. Instead of Attack on Titan it should be called "Talking on Titan", as it's scene after scene of dialog the sum of which is as original as an 80's sitcom. And the dialog is extremely repetitive. So many characters have similar spoken voices, identical delivery and presentation, similar faces, similar character traits, it's a big bowl of bland mush. Oh and the whining and crying is almost nonstop. Basically this is a show about emotional teenagers expressing their self doubts, self loathing, jealousies, fears, and grief; over and over and over and over and over in nearly static images. There is very little action, maybe 1-2 minutes in each episode.
Dead in Tombstone (yes that Tombstone, as in OK Corral) has Mickey Rourke, Danny Trejo, Dina Meyer, and Anthony Michael Hall; so someone might be tempted to watch it because of them but just swallow that temptation and don't. I'm guessing they agreed to this in lieu of paying gambling debts. They put about as much effort into "Tombstone" as they might asking for a donut. Except Danny Trejo who is all in, probably because this movie gives him more dialog than all his other movies combined and you'll soon figure out why those other movies were right and this one is wrong. If you are really curious what it is about, Danny Trejo leads a group of outlaws that double cross him for gold. (the real Tombstone had a silver mine, not gold, but whatever) Mickey Rourke plays Satan and gets a lot of bad lines which he delivers with mild boredom. A.M. Hall is the "bad" bad guy. Dina Meyer is the sheriff's wife. About the only notable thing about D.i.T. is that bodies just disappear from the shot moments after people are killed, it's so obvious it's bizarre. There is no reason as far as I could tell other than sloppy movie making.
Evil Dead has plentiful practical effects, a setting faithful to the original, and a halfway decent lead actress but completely fails on story and sound. I liken it to a TV dinner; corn, mash potatoes, and Salisbury steak with gravy... lots of gravy. Because even though the mash potatoes taste like Elmer's paste, splash some gravy on there and suddenly they go down fine. Maybe spoon that corn into your potatoes and mix it up, take a bite of Salisbury steak with potatoes and it's dandy; if you have plenty of gravy. Evil Dead has no gravy and by gravy I mean sound. The gravy ties the dinner together so even if the corn or potatoes are lacking, you don't mind as much. Sound (or silence) sets the mood and creates ambiance and is arguably the most important ingredient. Here they play generic music mixed with random noises and the dry instant potatoes just sit in your mouth waiting to be washed down. To summarize the movie: Character acts unreasonably stupid to set up gross out scene. Excellent disgusting effects ensue. Character waits until effects are finished then impotently reacts. Repeat ad nauseam. I hate this type of bad horror film more than any other because the filmmakers had resources, had talent available, and they chose to make a mediocre movie. If you programmed a robot to make a horror film, Evil Dead 2013 is what you would get.
Most bad zombie movies suffer from excess plot but this movie is stripped to its bare essence and benefits considerably. The lead is a fellow named Circus-Szalewski (that's his real name, his character's name is "Spider") who puts on an excellent performance as the down and out owner of a sleazy strip club in the bad part of town. After years of struggle to keep the doors open he decides to sell, but have one last party to say goodbye. Inside the employees peel back their inhibitions and denude their feelings for each other while outside it's the apocalypse. The blaring music attracts patrons dying to get in, some in fact already dead. ZvS is a good bad movie. The acting is all over the place but then some were hired for their assets not their thespian experience. The characters are colorful and varied, especially those remaining robed while the strippers are attractive and contribute more than simple eye candy. The biggest letdown are the zombies. Clearly the extras had no previous experience as walking dead, received no briefing and no directing during. Someone clapped them on the back and said get in there and it shows. The gore is light but B-movie effective with plenty of finger biting and some dismemberment. Most of the budget went into hiring the girls and for this kind of movie that isn't so terrible.
Mother Nature lays the Smackdown on Chili. Something I like about Roth is that karma has no hold over his characters. It doesn't matter if you are a rich snob, a successful young mother, a rapist, or just a regular Joe; Roth and Nature are unfairly cruel. Act one is like a National Lampoon without nudity, basically a bunch of American tourists partying their asses off hoping to get laid. It's moderately entertaining but after 30 minutes you'll be double checking the description to make sure you didn't accidentally watch a romantic comedy and then the room shakes and zombie unicorns spew from the depths of hell and begin eating people. (okay, that didn't really happen) The last hour is a mad dash to safety. As tsunami sirens wail the only hope is a hospital on the hill and the only way up is a rickety old cable car that can only hold 6 people. (How did they build a hospital with only cable car access?) By this point you won't need reminding this is an Eli Roth horror movie, for better or worse, and you know it's going to be brutal. Is it good? It's okay. I was entertained but the first 30 minutes didn't add enough character development for me to care who lives and dies so it could have been tightened up a bit. A number of things were predictable but that isn't always a bad thing because it can add tension. Aftershock is brutal, it's mean spirited, it's unfair and no character is off limits. I was entertained.
Were this made in the 80's during the height of the slasher craze it might have been considered mediocre; 30 years later we've had Scream, Scary Movie, Jason and Pinhead have both gone in space and if you're going to make a slasher you better bring something fresh or else wallow in the genre but Girls Gone Dead never rises beyond wannabe. The best parts are the opening scene which is somewhat tense, intriguing and full of nudity; and the credits which show outtakes. Everything between is simply someone's lazy excuse to get a lot of women in bikinis (or less) with a pitiful protagonist who randomly kills people for Sin! The blood and gore make up is passable, at times even gross, and the girls are fairly attractive though no show stoppers. The story attempts some pathetic humor, one girl's dad lets her have a beach house for Spring Break but the ditsy girls (eventually) realize it is part of a retirement community and there isn't much partying that doesn't involve Karaoke or shuffleboard. A group of dorky hunks on their way to Daytona Beach stop at the local watering hole and decide to set aside their Spring Break plans to party with the girls. Even though they are apparently only miles away from Daytona beach it never occurs to any of them to simply drive there and join the fun. The rest is too pointless to describe but suffice to say a masked monk shows up to slaughter sinners for The Lord. Girls Gone Dead is a very, very, long hour and half that is better spent stabbing yourself with a fork. Oh, and there are quite a few Saved By The Bell references for fans of that show.
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